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Last edited by Cadet; 06/15/19 10:13 AM.
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It looks like you had 98 postings/replies. I can unlock it for you...but you can only have two more postings/replies before you will reached the official 100 posting/reply lock. Do you want me to unlock it or do you want to change the title of this particular thread and start it as a new one and I can link this one to the one that is locked, etc.?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by job
It looks like you had 98 postings/replies. I can unlock it for you...but you can only have two more postings/replies before you will reached the official 100 posting/reply lock. Do you want me to unlock it or do you want to change the title of this particular thread and start it as a new one and I can link this one to the one that is locked, etc.?

I unlocked it but I agree with job, let us know how you want to proceed and we can make this the next thread with a new title and links.


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Oh sure, if you could just make this the new one and link to the old one that would be great.
All I need to do is change the title of this one?

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Originally Posted by HopeCA
Oh sure, if you could just make this the new one and link to the old one that would be great.
All I need to do is change the title of this one?

Sure what would you like to name it?

You can use Full editor and change the next post, then I will change the others

Last edited by Cadet; 06/15/19 10:14 AM.

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I have been separated for a little over a year now. I can not believe I am saying that, but there it is. I need to focus on detachment; gently reminding myself that I am dropping the rope, and that internally that means trying to stop all the mind reading and dissecting my interactions with my H for meaning. I am accepting that none of that actually means much, and that if he wants to come back I will know it (thank you Bluwave for this wisdom!!!) I have FINALLY accepted the oft mentioned DB fact that my detaching and dropping the rope is the only small hope for reconciliation at this point, and the healthiest thing for me regardless. I am really sad. But I also feel myself getting stronger. I’m finally taking active steps to get my life as a single mother in order; I’m actively seeking job opportunities that will allow me some flexibility to be around for my daughter as much as possible. I’m grateful for the fact that we are living in a world where it is quite possible to work from home and build a schedule somewhat around parenting. I’m working on reality checks for myself, and now trying to find the magical balance of being lovingly detached from my husband. I’ve always been the type to come across as cold when I am being protective of myself, so I’m trying to figure out the line between that and allowing for cake eating by my H. Not sure how I will figure that out, but I will.

We got into a bit of a silly argument last night and afterward I sent him a text to explain my feelings in a business like manner and to apologize for my half. He responded in kind and said some things that shows a level of self awareness that I be never seen from him. I felt very relieved and very sad at once. I wish so badly he could have applied that in our relationship. I’m trying to focus on being grateful that my daughters father may be starting to evolve as a human, because it will greatly benefit her. Here I am! I’m doing my best and trying to be kind to myself along the way. It hurts. But I’ll be ok.

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You will be okay Hope. It’s just going to take time, patience and focus on you and your beautiful daughter. It will get easier. Remind yourself that the MR you had before is no more. It is important you really understand that. He has walked away from it. If you chase him, he will only walk faster. You have to turn around and look the other direction and then take some steps. Work on you. Build a life without him. IF he returns in the future, the ball will be in your court and you will get to decide if you want him in your life or not. If you do the work, detach and drop the rope, you may be really surprised how you feel. Once I truly dropped the rope in my sitch, I was able to see my MR very clearly and I realized I had been putting up with to so much CRAP that I did not deserve. My XH was a complete neglectful, emotionally abandoning jerk...as AnotherStander said... King Douche of Douchebag Land. My only regret is that I didn’t see it sooner. TBH...it still hurts sometimes...no one gets married to get divorced...but it is a hurt I can deal with and it is way less painful than my marriage was for the last four years. Anyway...every sitch is different but I absolutely believe in GAL and detaching...it is the only way to save yourself...if you save your marriage in the process, that is just a bonus. Hang in there Hope. You can do this!!! (((HUGS)))

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Thanks DV. Every time I start to feel like I will be ok something knocks me down. Today is my husbands day with our daughter, and I just ran into them at the grocery store. She is only 3. She was so excited to see me and of course thought it meant we would all hang out together. She was clinging to me and asking to come home and crying. It was one of the lowest moments yet. My heart was breaking for her, and I just wanted to say yes of course, whatever you want. But I knew the best thing was to comfort her and let her know she will have fun with daddy and I’ll see her so soon. My h was quiet and impossible to read during the whole thing. He was trying to urge her on and I softly but firmly told him that this was hard for her, for us, even if not for him, and to give it a minute. I suspect he was uncomfortable and just wanted the moment to be over. I probably could have handled it better in regards to him, but I knew my daughter needed a moment. I could have left the dig out of it, but it was painful and I resent him trying to pretend it isn’t. I can’t imagine this part of all this ever not being awful.
I’m feeling angry at my H and just baffled that anyone would choose this path, inflict this unnecessary pain on our child and ruin our family. Im now trying to guide myself back to loving detachment, I wish I knew how.

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HopeCA, that sounds really hard.

Is it any comfort to think that it was almost certainly harder on you than it was on your daughter? Both of my kids clung and cried like that when I left them with family or the childminder, and they were always fine 5 minutes afterwards. She loves spending time with you, she loves spending time with her daddy, and yes, in that moment she didn't want to let go of you - but she's only three. She'll have been okay. She probably doesn't remember you all living together. I know that's hard, but it's probably better to separate your own feelings from hers in that situation. Anger and grief and sadness is okay. And loving detachment will come and go.

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Yes, I’d like to believe it was harder on me than it was on her. And I do struggle with separations from her in general, I’ve been at home with her for 4 years and I’m just used to being with her. And I know it’s normal for young children to cry at being separated, that’s not really what got me in this case. It’s more the very sad fact of running into my own 3 year old child on a Saturday afternoon, during a day when I would almost definitely be with her given the chance. To me it’s devastating to bump into my own child around town and say hi and be forced to leave without her. It’s just not right and it feels like the part of this that isn’t tolerable and that will always, always be horrible. That terrifies me. I know it’s usless to think of the “shoulds”, but we should be together. This is just not the way of things.

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