Dilly 2.1 part 5

[97Hope]

Hi Dilly!

I love your tornado analogy. Keep that!!! He is a whirlwind right not and you can observe, but don't engage. (I liken my H as being in a pig-pen and I don't want to join him, whatever works).

Blu left a 2x4 on Alison's post several days ago, and since then I have been reading it and re-reading it! Also Sandi's rules every day. That has helped me with detachment. Hope you got a chance to read it!!

Happy that your GAL activities are bringing you joy!

[dillydaf]

Quick brain dump.
So for some stupid reason I weakened on Friday and texted H to say I was in town before my GAL stuff and would he like to meet for a drink. He left work early and met me at the pub and he was actually quite friendly, he told me all about a big work event next week and I listened and validated and praised him for a few things which I thought deserved praise. I can see that he thinks he's at war with his boss, so as well as a tornado I'm now seeing him as off at war and unable to engage in a M. When he left I stood up to kiss his cheek and he leaned in for a tight hug. I kind of wish he hadn't because obviously as Steve said, that positive sign led me on too much. Sigh. Anyway I went off and did my GAL thing and sent H a few too many texts (stupid), and chatted to a few blokes during the activity and afterwards at the pub. One was interested in my but not my type, one was friendly but I found him a bit dull. One I didn't talk to but actually quite fancied! But he showed me no interest so he must have been gay, lol. I went home feeling ok, it was kind of nice to find another man attractive even if he wasn't interested in me.

Yesterday H was not in contact AT ALL which is weird but I stayed strong and didn't contact him. Got lots of work done, made dinner to watch in front of the TV with the kids. Felt super, super lonely but just sucked it up and went to bed early. Got up early this morning to work. H came home in the morning and I went to give him a hug and he was really resistant. Fine, I didn't push it. We went for a walk and he was just so cranky and miserable and generally horrible. He has a couple of employees who have some marital/affair stuff going on which he thinks he might need to deal with, I was a bit confused about the details so I was asking him questions and he kept getting really irritated with me and raised his voice, not cool. I don't know if there's some kind of thing going on there for him, either the thought of people at work knowing about his marital issues (unlikely because he has kept me away from his work since forever) or whether there is something he's hiding. Who knows. His behaviour was out of order though. Then he went back to talking about his boss and politics and I validated and he was just so cranky and miserable, it was quite depressing spending time with him. Then we went home and I went and did a bit of gardening. He seemed uncomfortable at home and like he didn't know what to do so I took myself away from the situation. When I got back I went and asked him if he was going to be grumpy at dinner later (we have a restaurant booked with the kids for fathers day) and he said I 'wasn't asking him the right questions'. What the F does that even mean? I think he meant when he was talking about his affair colleagues because that's when he was grumpiest. I considered telling him I wouldn't come to the restaurant, but I don't want to miss out on a nice meal with my teens (they'll disappear to their rooms when we get home) so I decided I would. Then I went and sat next to him on the sofa and told him about a book I've been reading and we sort of chatted about that, that was my way of smoothing things before dinner over I suppose though not sure he deserved it or was making any sort of effort himself). And then we took one kid each off to their activities and will meet for an early dinner later. Can't say I'm particularly looking forward to him being there. I know he's stressed about this event and about the colleague thing but really, not pleasant behaviour. At one stage in the car I asked him something and he started shouting and I said calmly 'did you realise your voice is raised?' and he sort of calmed down, but I don't wish to spend time with someone willing to shout at me. And then he said next week he hasn't got time to meet me in the evening. He means he's prioritising other people over me. I said that was fine, I have a lot of evening things on next week which is true.

Two weird things he said: one was about his pension (I have a tiny one so will be reliant on his come R or D) and how little it is to live on and stuff like this. I bit my lip to say that it'll be a lot LESS to live on if we D. And another thing he said was about how he wants to take his boss down but it would take him down too and it would cost him too much money because it would end his career. Again, a D would cost him a FORTUNE (and he's super cautious with money despite having plenty). Just so strange, he must really be in a bad place to even risk D!

Feeling much more ready to drop the rope now, it makes it easier when he's just plain horrible. I know he's unhappy and that I shouldn't take it personally, and that I'm not responsible for his happiness and can't fix him, but ugh. Especially after seeing a nicer, softer version of him on Friday.

[97Hope]

That's the problem when we get fluffy when they are soft and sweet.

I really suggest you go dark. Just wrote this to Alison, as well. We three are on parallel courses and when I read your sitch it sounds like mine, and it's easier to see...Hey! She should NOT be putting up with that! So then I want to take my own advice.

In my mind when I go dark it 'feels' like I am abandoning him, but reading the book, it's supposed to feel counterintuitive and if I ever have any hope of a good R with H, then I must back away, save myself, and let him go on his journey.

All of our H's are miserable. We have to accept that they will continue to grumble at us as long as we are close enough to listen.

Take a step back and ask yourself, what would you tell your dear friend to do in this situation? Read your post again from a different perspective and pretend someone you love, or one of your kids wrote that. You might find that the best advice you already know, it's just a little scary.

Dim those lights, girl and drop the rope. It's not as bad as you imagine. The scary part is imagining what will happen, not what actually happens.

[dillydaf]

Yes, I think I will. I agree that reading other people's sitches and seeing the parallels makes it much easier to see the negative patterns and the crap you put up with from your own H.
I took ds1 to his activity and then he started getting a migraine. So I left him in the car and went to the restaurant with ds2 and H. Ds1 joined us for a bit but wasn't really up to it. We played cards and had quite a good time, nice food and I was bright and breezy and good company. If H doesn't like that then there are plenty of men who find it attractive, there was a man nearby who kept eyeing me up and smiling in my direction. The kids gave H a card which ds1 had very sweetly ordered online, but then they couldn't really be bothered writing anything in it. I could tell that H was disappointed after opening it. What did he want to see?
'Thanks so much dad for running away and abandoning us'?
Seriously. The fact that they even deign to spend time with him should humble him beyond words at how nice they are.
Then we left and I drove the kids home and giggled with ds2 about stuff and then was reading something to him earlier and laughing my head off. I felt sad that H is so lost but it's him stuck in his tornado and me keeping my distance.
I have GAL planned for Monday-Thursday and then I'm thinking about going away next weekend with a camping group if the weather is ok. If H is expecting me to be sitting here waiting for him next weekend then he will be in for a surprise.

[97Hope]

Yes, it's high time Hallmark started a new line of cards for the WAS/MLS. How rude they haven't already cornered the market. Maybe we can have side jobs for cards??

I hear determination in your writing today. Stick with it. I'm a little envious of your plans. So far I have secured a dinner date for wednesday, but other than that it's me and the cows. Not too much outdoor activity for me during the day as it's hotter than hades here for the next couple of months. I'll do early morning and late afternoon, so it's down to job hunting and indoor activities.

What does ds mean? I understand it's kids...

[AlisonUK]

I see what you mean about our H's having things in common, Dilly. The unpleasantness is just so adolescent. I feel very very detached from it all today - I'm sure I will have clingy and needy days ahead of me - but at the moment, I can't see anything to want in him, I feel sorry for him, and I just want to be away from him.

I think the pension and finances stuff is a red herring and it's good you don't speak to him about that. You don't want him sticking with you just because he doesn't like the sound of what a fair settlement would add up to. You're worth more than any amount of money.

I think the key here for you is not to initiate contact with him. The kids are old enough to be in touch with them on their own if they want to be, and I am sure you'd still facilitate him visiting them and driving them places, and you helping them get to him if it was needed. Otherwise, he's a self-obsessed and ill-mannered bully and why on earth would you want to waste an evening on him?

Make a list of things to do when you feel lonely and weak, and do all of them before you contact him.

[dillydaf]

I think the pension and finances stuff was him just complaining, nothing to do with me even. I'm sure he must have connected the dots between D and his finances being decimated but if we D he will have such a pathetic sad life he'll have to work extra hard to fill his time anyway.
I am crap at going dark, I rang him this morning to tell him something about the kids. He was friendly, nothing like yesterday. Talk about up and down. It seems like being at home makes him super uncomfortable (though please note: he let himself in with his keys (when for the last few years he would knock at the door rather than use his keys and I used to say he was like the queen who didn't need to carry keys) and then he drove us for our walk in my car with the key he took from me, hmm). So I think I will avoid seeing him at home for a good long time.
This evening he texted to ask if I could pay his rent please (please was not a word he used very much in the last few years of our M, I used to say that he was more polite to a checkout person than to his W). I paid it (I have the card reader thing and he doesn't) and didn't bother texting back. Didn't point out that I have never seen this flat for which I have transferred the money for 9 months now.
Off to make that list. I think it mainly consists of giving myself a really good talking to and hiding my phone perhaps. I have a crazy amount of work to do the next few days so I'd better make sure I don't contact him just to distract myself from that (my brain works in a ridiculous way)
I'm slowly planning the summer holidays, ds1 has 2 months off and ds2 6 weeks. I wanted to be away for my birthday but that looks like it won't happen now. But I have 3 weeks in the middle when I could drag the kids off somewhere, I'm thinking an activity holiday or something. And I might take ds1 off for a city break for a long weekend perhaps because he has such a long time off. Trying to pin down teens is impossible, I will select some options and they can choose which one.

[97Hope]

I don't care if you have to duct tape your hands together, do NOT call him again!!! Give him time. It will be good for YOU. When he fishes around for you, respond with short answers IF they need answered re: kids and finances etc. Good job on not responding.

I have no desire to call my H, but it's hard to stay out of chit-chat via text. I'm done with that. I remind myself to talk to him like I would our accountant (and picture him ugly so I'm not tempted to flirt!). I've noticed the less I reach out to H, the more he reaches out to me. And for some reason today I'm bothered by his mundane talk, so I'm looking forward to being so good at going dark that no matter what he does, I don't have an emotion around it.

Put your mind to it and you can do it. We have a club now, that we are crap at going dark, but since we are all in the same boat, we can encourage each other.

[dillydaf]

The BCAGD club! Duct tape applied. He texted me something about the kids, one thing has nothing to do with him and the other he knows already. I might reply in a few hours with 2 words. Being quiet this week should be easy because a) I'm overwhelmed with work and b) he has this big work event on. I'm practicing saying internally 'it's none of your business' to his questions, because actually it isn't. I'm sick of this pursuit so I'm not going to do it any more.

[AlisonUK]

Dilly, I say this with as much kindness as I can. But I am astonished you are paying his rent for him. You're acting as secretary to a man who treats you with contempt and throws you a couple of hugs or some civil conversation now and again, but just as often tells you he wants to get divorced. Ordering a card reader takes 2 minutes and it's been nine months. It's breathtaking. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED INTO THE FLAT. HE HAS A SECOND PHONE.

Can you make a list of the FACTS of your situation and read them through before you decide whether you call him or not?

He shouts at you in the car for no reason.
He doesn't let you into the place where he lives.
He is emotionally neglectful of his children.
He tells you he wants a divorce.
He blames you for everything.
He has a secret second phone.
He treats your house like %^&( then gets angry with you when you object to it, then blames you when his self-pity and anger stops him focussing on his work.
He acts without basic respect - taking the key for your car, etc.

I am sure you have PLENTY you could add to this list - not from your marriage, but from the way he's behaved even in the last three months.