Moving on

[JujuB]

Hi guys! Thanks for the responses.

I do like this guy and want to date him. We have been texting and talking and that feels good that he wants that time. He is making and willing to make time to meet (hard cause we both have kids and I really like that. We both agree kids come first but he expressed relationships and time spent are important to him.

There is another guy I was talking to that I don’t want to ghost and I didn’t even go on the site to respond to messages from him, so I want to tell him I’m don’t want to pursue. It’s too many people for me and I can’t multindate. I prefer getting to know someone one at a time even though i know it’s not advised. I haven’t dated anyone and I worry I wil kick myself in the future if things go badly and say, why didn’t I give other guys a chance? This is the 2nd time I go for the first person I meet on lines. But i do selectively respond back to men.

pinn - I think maybe people have many sides to be opposite of? Lol

J. - he did go in for the kiss. A couple of times during the date. Basically told me in an enthusiastic, playful way “I just want to kiss you so badly” I never do that. But we had established connection with the texts and he genuninely seemed so into me that I felt like i wanted to.

Maika - He Made me feel good because he was really open about how excited he was to meet me. No games (unless he’s a really really really good player) he took control by telling me what he wanted (me to respond to his message us to meet up, us to talk) but asking me if I was ok with that. It was very sexy cause it showed that he was confident and in control but respectful. He frequently commented on how much he liked my looks but not in a sexual way. And he mixed it in with asking me a lot about myself so I didn’t feel like he just wanted to sleep with me. I feel like I know where I stand with him. He’s looking for a partner and I know he likes me. So that made me feel beautiful. , Im not going to just junp in and sleep with him. I want to take things slow and see how things go. Get to know him better. We don’t know each other enough to like each other only to like how we feel with each other. That’s what someone told me and it makes sense. It’s a good feeling though.

[pinn]

Nice! When’s the next date? Very interesting!

In my one foray into online dating... about a year ago, I was talking to someone and we had made plans to get together. She bailed but we kept chatting a bit so I tried again. Then she let me know she had met someone and it was going really well. She didn’t feel comfortable dating multiple guys at the same time. I actually greatly appreciated that she let me know and they are still together a year later.

[DonH]

I had a post all typed out earlier this past week but I just clicked X and deleted it figuring, what do I know? LOL. I'm still thinking that (what do I know) but also now wishing I would have posted as in it I pretty much called it - I said that I believed history would repeat itself and like in the past you'd grab onto the first guy you dated. Again, I'm just way different. What you are doing is not necessarily wrong. I just find it extremely interesting as I've got a few friends who have done the same. I just don't get it. I need someone who is beyond a match, outstanding, really catches my eye, is special, is "the one" not just the latest one or the one for this month or this year. I just don't see how you can find that the first time out - every time. Many of us try OLD for years and never find anyone but you do on the first time out - not once but twice. And you are not alone, as I said I have friends who have done the same. Yet I see OLD how some women are there for years. Then there are women like you who are on and off within a week. Others here have done the same. I don't get it - but just because i don't get it doesn't mean it's wrong or unhealthy or the like. I just don't want you to repeat what happened last time - yet it sure seems like you have a mode and a method and it's just what you do - you can't even stop yourself.

I guess the red flag I do see is it seems to be a lot about how he makes you feel. That for sure is different from me as I feel great about myself going in - I don't need someone else to make me feel that way. You seem to really, really like this guy - yet how can you even know him much if at all? And then all the other guys - poof / gone. I guess I'm even a touch frustrated as how can good guys even stand a chance if any guy who puts up a good first impression seals the deal just by being lucky enough to be the first guy the woman dates. That just happened to me with a friend of a mutual friend. She didn't want to date anyone, she claimed - then the first guy she dates she falls in love with. WTF? Some people can find a connection or a fit with just about anyone and then there are people like me who can only find a fit with a select few.

This post may be as much about me as it is about you JUJU and I really don't mean any disrespect or to make you feel bad. You are who you are. If you're good with that, I'm happy for you. You just seemed to clearly want to take a different path this time, to the West after always traveling to the East with guys in the past - yet within a mile down the road, you've turned the car around and are heading back East to your comfort zone and familiar territory. It's that which I'm trying to comment on as I would have bet serious cash that's what would happen - I should have just put my money where my mouth was and called it before it happened. We are who we are I guess and change is hard - I'm clearly at the head of that list. Regardless, I hope for the best for you.

[JujuB]

Hey don

I don’t feel bad at all. I notice what you said as well and my mom has been telling me not to get exclusive with any one. And that was my plan going in.

The only difference is that last time, I initiated and this time he initiated. I initiated because I created something in my mind based on his profile. Last time my first reaction when I met ex bf was “nope” but then I gave him a few dates and I liked him for having been through a crazy situation like me. I was still healing and ex bf had so many red flags that showed early and I kept saying - he’s a great dad. Not realizing how many great dads there are out there. My friends did not like him when they met him. My friends are very loud and brazen and tell it like it is themselves and they did he was way too negative and rude.

This time around, I liked the guy when I saw him and whenever we talk I am literally smiling during the whole conversation. We do seem to have a lot more similarities and i suspect we follow the same love language. I like the sound of his voice and I love the way he communicates with me. I love the way he talks about his kids and what their dynamic seems to be (he’s more laid back like me). He seems to be so positive. I do know that there is so much more to know and discover. I know that you have to date a while before you discover flaws. I know that we put masks on in the beginning. That we are revealing our true selves. That it takes a while. That you only get a limited time of infatuation. But if I date others, I can’t mentally connect with him. It’s too much. It’s like reading 5 books at once and I can’t get into it or read it with depth and appreciation.

I think I am pretty selective about who I message though. I read through every profile good, bad, and crazy.

First impressions do mean a lot in life. . There might be great guys out there but if they message me a generic “hi” or “hey there” or just a mass produced profile of themselves they are not going to get noticed in OLD. I don’t know why they pay for something and then put no effort in. Would you choose to interview someone that sent a personalized cover letter about your band And had an outstanding resume or just a guy that had a regular old resume? You would pick the guy that had the cover.

I might be making a bad mistake again. I know that too though.

[DejaVu6]

I think you just need to be true to yourself Juju and make sure you keep your eyes wide open. It is completely possible to find someone you like on the first date. I liked all eight guys that I went out with but was only REALLY attracted to one which happened to be the seventh guy I met face to face. Am I banking on him to be a forever love? Not exactly. I honestly am not thinking that far ahead because I think that is what gets me into trouble. I’m just taking one day at a time and enjoying his company. The last time I did the OLD thing, I dated three different guys for six weeks at a time but only one at a time... like you, I can’t read five books at once and I don’t want to. It’s too much work. And...just as you don’t necessarily want to grab onto the first guy you meet, you also don’t want to eliminate him because he is the first guy you meet. My XH was the fourth guy I met and we lasted 14 years. There are no guarantees in life. We could all die tomorrow. Do what makes you happy today and worry about tomorrow....tomorrow. Pay attention to that inner voice...and have fun!!! We deserve it after all the SH*T we’ve been through. (((HUGS)))

[Ginger1]

I think you have been one of the luckier ones to quickly find someone that you want to go on a second date with. You are quite a catch, so im not surprised.

I think what you should do differently this time is to be careful of building someone up in your head. I think when you do, you might really have hope they will be that person, even when they show you that they aren’t. Just be aware of when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And if the reality isn’t someone you want to be with, move on.

For now enjoy the moment, don’t look to the future yet. Learn him and get to know him. And I sure do hope he turns out great, but if he doesn’t, just recognize it and move on.

[JujuB]

Thank you. I am always cautious and careful and I tend to hold back emotionally. I know this sounds absolutely crazy, but this time it just feels completely different. We have been talking for hours on the phone already and we do have a lot of similar compatabilities and values and beliefs. And we both want the same thing.
I just feel like I can be open with him because he is so open with me. It really doesn’t feel like someone love bombing or being a player (i dated one of those already so I know ) it’s just exciting. It doesn’t feel like I’m settling - I just really like him. With ex bf it felt like I was settling. I would always think, “yes he’s hypocritical and rude and arrogant but he’s also a good dad and will be loyal and a lot of guys out there are pretty bad so I could tolerate the rest ). With this guy, I just feel like I want to know more about him and I want to spend time with him and make him happy. I instinctively feel like he is the one - and that’s not like me ever. It feels good because he is equally as excited about me if not more.
Logically, I do know that time tells all. But this is definitely good chemistry. I don’t even feel mad at ex husband. I just feel glad that I have This opportunity right now.

[DonH]

I'm feeling like I'm just about the only person who questions or challenges things here lately. I mean the reason this board was started was to help people with Rs - not just support anything and everything they want to do. But when I read things like:

There are no guarantees in life. We could all die tomorrow. Do what makes you happy today and worry about tomorrow....tomorrow. Pay attention to that inner voice...and have fun!!! We deserve it after all the SH*T we’ve been through. (((HUGS)))

Does that not sound like something a wayward or walk-away wife would say - or husband? It's my time, screw tomorrow, I want to do what makes me happy today regardless. I've suffered enough and now it's my time.

What happened to love is not a feeling it's a choice and a decision? It seems like even after learning all of this some of us are right back to love being all about feelings and how it makes us feel - back to thinking from the heart not at all from the head.

Most certainly we need to be happy in life but again is that not what someone says when they want to get away from their spouse and don't want to face any truths? Yes we could die tomorrow but most of us won't and then we are going to be saddled with the decisions we made to be happy in the moment for the day without thinking about the future. I think we need to have a balance of this. It's not all black and white but when i start seeing actions like those of WW and WAW it really gives me concern as to did we not learn anything through DB? DB certainly doesn't teach us these things - or does it? Did I miss that chapter?

[JujuB]

I for one like challenge and questioning. Different perspectives are always helpful - especially from the opposite sex - when dating. And they also help you analyze yourself in your response.

I get what your saying. In fact, the idea that love is a choice and a decision is something I touted since BD. I didn’t go on a date with a guy because he told me “I want to be in love. Parents need to be happy in order for children to be happy. The love wasn’t there and neither was the commitment” (now he obviously cheated so that was the real reason)

With ex bf, I went with love being a choice and feeling. Had the check box for him. Thought completely from my head. And things were bad. I didn’t love him. Believe it or not, I was often like that with my ex husband. I sensed something was wrong. I was so angry at him and resentful of him. I knew something was up but I just didn’t know what cause I didn’t have the language or experience of recognizing addiction behaviors. Instead, I looked at the looked at the logic. I twisted logic. “He’s always been a deep sleeper. Wish he could get help for sleep apnea. His job is so demanding. Corporate America is unreasonable. His mother is stealing him away from us. He’s so smart he’s in high demand at work. He comes from great family role models (didn’t find out about what happened till later Cause his mom kept it a secret)”

I never went with instinct. I chose ex husband because he was all American, good looking guy that went to great schools, has a profession that’s in demand and requires specific skill set difficult to acquire and came from an intact family”. I thought he would be loyal, and a good father, and good provider. That made logical sense.

But, I’m starting to maybe learn that you need to feel. And I don’t mean feel for that hot but crazy chick that’s weqring a tight skirt and you know is wrong for you. I think maybe feel something from the soul? I don’t know.

I agree that you don’t do what you want to do for the sake of being happy when it comes to shirking your responsibilities or betraying someone. But none of us are doing that. My son will always come first. And when I’m with someone I don’t open myself up to this with someone else, so very different from wwywards.

I’m starting to think that with relationships - logic stuff isn’t that helpful because you don’t really know if the quantitative stuff they are laying out is even real. I think maybe relationships require relying more on instinct and feelings - which is scarier for some of us.

I don’t know. Just a thought and interesting discussion for me. I will say, I never felt like I am right now. And to me, people that have said things in the past like that were always perceived as flighty.

[Dawn70]

I agree with you, juju, that different perspectives can be a very good thing. They help us learn and grow because others have different experiences and can lend us valuable information that they have gained through what they have gone through.

I guess I'm struggling a bit with love being a choice. Love is absolutely an emotion. Now, maybe I agree more than I realize and I'm just letting semantics get in the way, but I think the emotion of love should be tempered with choices and decisions. For the most part who you love and how much you love is a choice, but the basis of love is an emotion, at least in my mind. I'm not trying to start a debate or anything and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that is how I see it. Love can be fleeting, but I think fleeting love is usually more about lust. I may be misunderstanding what you and Don mean when you say love is a choice, but finding love is not like going to the supermarket to buy T-bone steak and coming out with ground beef. Sure, you have to use your brain and actually THINK about things when it comes to love, but you also have to feel them. You talked about choosing your XH based on things that made logical sense, but you don't talk about how you felt about him. Did you love him and those logical things were a bonus or did he logically seem like he'd be a good husband so love developed later? Does that even make sense? LOL This is why I'm struggling with love being a choice. I'm not saying you and Don or wrong or even that I necessarily disagree with you. I'm just trying to understand your point.

As far as OLD, I think you have to do what works for you. You have mentioned several times that you don't want to date several at once and I totally get that. I have never been one to date or talk to a lot of guys at once and the one time in my life I was getting attention from more than one person at a time, it was actually kind of overwhelming for me. Just proceed with caution and you'll be fine. Enjoy it, but keep your guard up.