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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I think now you know why she's been nicer lately, she knew she was going to need something from you.


Perhaps, I am always on guard and alert to try and sniff that stuff out. She may get nasty when I say no, if so I will simply tell her that the conversation is over due to disrespectful behavior and we can resume a different day.

She may accept it at face value or actually offer something better in the long run for me. I haven't shown my cards or burned my bridges with this yet, so I will let her fold or go all in first.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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Originally Posted by LB55
I need you to take 10 days of leave from work to watch the kids while I take a business trip in July. I will let you know the days after this weekend. Thanks



I like Steves reply.

Another option: Don't take leave but take the parenting responsibility. Make arrangements for the kids while you work and then spend events nights with them. Not sure if you have family close. My dad spent lots of time with my kids during my parenting time while I worked. My Mom also helped out. (my parents are divorced). Other sitters?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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W initiated a text conversation about things in the past a couple days ago. Lots of feelings and hurt and blah blah blah. I validated mostly and didn’t tell her much of how I felt or am feeling.

She said she feels guilty and never wanted to hurt me. That sounds like a bunch of hogwash to me but it’s her feelings. I didn’t do anything with that comment.

It’s good to be chatting a little, there was even some flirty comments for a bit there before it delved has into her feelings. I had some oral surgery and she was joking about my diet and dessert and I poked back about stuff and it was just a little fun. I know that there isn’t anything to take from it, it was still fun interacting with my friend for a bit.

She is still talking about finishing the D. She hasn't done anything to move that direction in months. Says there is no other way out, blah, blah, blah. She noticed my changes and that will be good for my next relationship, I am a good catch, won’t be single long. Same old crap. So nothing has really changed for her, other than a willingness to talk at least. She is starting to reveal some of the stress of being a single parent, homeowner, startup entrepreneur, and divorcing mom all at the same time. How much work it is doing all the stuff around the house; validated but offered no help.

Hasn’t asked me about taking leave again nor did she give me the dates of her business trip. Beginning to think it’s just a ploy to see if I would jump when she asked me to. More to follow.

I did actually touch her tonight when I picked up the kids. She put her hand up for a high five and I returned it. That’s the first time we’ve touched in nearly 9 months. Again nothing taken away from it, just noting it for now.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
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Great, all handled quite well LB! When she talks about how you'll be a great find for someone else, don't argue or say you are waiting for her or anything like that. Just nod knowingly, with maybe a little mischief in your eyes cool


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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So today is 6 months from when I was served D papers when I got off the airport shuttle at 10pm. It was 28 degrees outside. I had flown in from San Diego, she had said she and the kids would meet me at the shuttle drop off. Obviously that was a lie as a courier met me there and gave me a stack of paperwork. I was devastated; it was four days before Christmas, had been gone for a year with the military and all I wanted was to come home. Instead I got a restraining order that said I could never go home.

I had no place to live, a backpack of old shirts and socks(she claimed this was her being compassionate and providing what I needed to get by with), and a key to my vehicle. I had a court date in 7 days. No L answered the phone for 5 of those days because it was Christmas. I was allowed by the paperwork to see the kids under the supervision of her parents at her parents house for 2 hours on one day(not Christmas or Christmas eve). They treated me like a dog; I was required to sit on the floor in a corner of the living room in order to see the kids. After that the only contact I had with the kids was a weekly phone call for 30 minutes for over 5 weeks. I seriously felt like a prisoner.

It was the lowest I have ever been in my life.

Fast forward 6 months, things are better but not great, I have a place to live, we have temporary orders in place that aren't my favorite but are ok in the short term. I've decided to stop fighting with her, continue working on my communication skills, and do what I can for the kids. It is my belief that fighting happens when one party isn't listening to the other. So I work on that. My communication skills, awareness of other peoples feelings and emotions, and validation ability has improved dramatically. I focus on listening to people, not getting distracted, and actually hearing what they say. I am still quite hurt by the situation, but I don't focus as much energy on thinking about it anymore, it just isn't worth it. I have some regular nights out with guys from work, I do things on weekends when I don't have the kids, i do things with the kids when we are together.

It occurred to me the other day; I can't recall the last time W apologized to me. For anything. Not just since BD or D filing; I can't recall her EVER doing it. I'm sure it has happened in 15 years. Its not a regular occurrence though. Most disagreements we had somehow resulted in me apologizing for things I didn't even do in order to get her to stop attacking me. It resulted in me never having my own opinion without first figuring out what her opinion was(this is total NGS), and I lost myself in the process.

In summary, things are ok with me right now. I still haven't been inside my own home. I still have a desire to R at some point; she isn't even close on that front as far as I can tell. She has a long ways to go before that could happen. Still no action from her to stop blaming others for her problems, no action to take responsibility for her decisions(everyone else makes her do things), and no visible progress on her emotional issues from her childhood. She hasn't done anything to proceed with D. I waffle on whether I want to push it or not. One day I want it done, another I want to keep the path open without finishing the D. At this point she is still my W. God will make happen what needs to happen.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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You know people don’t always come here to post when they’ve had a good day. So I’m going to.

Nothing special about today. Was just a good day. Went to work at 5, got off at 5. We got some things done, I had to force people to stay late to get done what I asked, that is the way the military works. Made me feel good; not because they were frustrated, but because I was able to set that boundary and enforce it. I’ve been struggling at work with all that is going on so that is a good sign for me.

Got off work, came home and changed out of my uniform. Went to the first rules meeting for our football referee group in prep for the HS season upcoming. It was good to see some of the guys again that I haven’t seen in 2 years and get our noses into some new rules and complicated old ones.

Was a sunny day, cool but pleasant outside.

I ruminated on my situation. But not in a “why is this happening to me way”. I role played in the truck with myself on how to respond firmly when W tries to sweep this under the rug and wants me back(my gut feel is right more often than not and this is how she will likely do it; try and get me to apologize and she will take me back...no no no missy, not how that works anymore for LB). Not until she does some work, apologizes, and shows me actions that show remorse. I have a bright future with or without her. It felt good to set a boundary and say no for my own sanity. Even if it was just role playing the situation.

A good day.

Last edited by LB55; 06/28/19 04:07 AM.

Me40; W38; S12; D9
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I'm glad you had a good day, LB, and I hope you have many more of them. I just read your back story and all I can say is wow, you must be a pretty amazing person to be able to have forgiveness for the way your W treated you. And to recover from that shows a great deal of strength.

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That's awesome LB! Keep up the PMA! smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by dillydaf
I'm glad you had a good day, LB, and I hope you have many more of them. I just read your back story and all I can say is wow, you must be a pretty amazing person to be able to have forgiveness for the way your W treated you. And to recover from that shows a great deal of strength.


Thanks!

I didn't have forgiveness for a long time. You know why? Because I felt like this was all my fault and I couldn't forgive myself. She blamed me for everything. I tried to fix everything. I was never good enough. I was a failure in all respects. If one is a failure all of the time, its not even possible to strive to success, because you will just fail anyway so why try.

Forgiveness isn't for her, its for me. I have forgiven her, and me, because its healthy for me.

I am choosing at this time to not tell her I forgive her. Its not relevant. She wants to hear that to relieve her guilt.

From a recent conversation:
H: I think the false thinking here is that I am happier because of D. I am happier because I am asking for what I want, getting what I want, and being a man in charge of my own needs.
W: I am glad to hear that D is making you happier. It is making me happier too. I was feeling guilty for hurting you but am glad to know that I have spurred you on to better things.

This type of interaction shows me she is not ready to discuss much; she is still reading and hearing her own narrative. This was a text conversation, so its not like she didn't hear me correctly when I said D is not making me happier. She read and interpreted it as she wants to in order to fit her narrative. I can't change that; she must decide to. She isn't ready to listen so I am not comfortable talking to her about R stuff at this time.

Every time I pick up the kids or drop them off, after the business and kids stuff, she asks me if there is anything else I want to talk about. There is the pregnant pause and a somewhat expectant look that I should start a R talk. She wants me to start apologizing, groveling, pleading, and begging so she can squash me, re-live my failures and lay the blame on my shoulders, and humiliate me again to feel justified. I just reply 'nope' and get in the truck and leave. If she asks me a specific question and I can tell she is willing to listen and actually wants to hear what I have to say then I will proceed cautiously with that specific topic. No R talks until then; and even then it will be a cautious wade into the water for me.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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Had the kids this weekend, was overall a good weekend. We watched movies, I made dinner each night, we rode bikes, played catch, played video games, went swimming at the lake, baked some cookies, etc.

I sprained my ankle pretty bad on Saturday, jumping for a high throw from S11 and landed on the edge of a concrete curb. Hurt pretty bad, I'm still sore today, but its ok.

Figured out that I don't have any swimming shorts anymore, need to go buy some. Gonna go to the waterpark with them next time we are together.

The kids are always a bit sullen on Sunday night partly because they are tired, and partly because I suspect they don't want to go back. I did ask them what was on their mind, D8 told me she wishes we could just do a week at my place and a week at moms and stop with all the weekends stuff. I told her I hope we can get there but that isn't possible at the moment. I am debating whether I should tell W that, as when I last broached the subject of 50/50 she told me the kids don't want that arrangement. I suspect she won't want to hear it so I am leaning towards not telling her.

They both at different times throughout the weekend told me various things, while it was nice that they are getting to where they can open up just a bit, it is also heartbreaking. D8 told me while making cookies that mom does all the baking and doesn't want her to help and doesn't teach her anything like I do. S11 told me that he got his haircut with grandpa(her dad) because mom doesn't have time for things like that. They spent 3 days and nights at her parents house last week; S11 told me he gets to play video games for 12 hours a day there because grandpa is busy watching TV. They both told me there are no plans for the upcoming holiday weekend. The 4th was a big holiday for me, the whole neighborhood came over, we did fireworks in the yard, had a big BBQ, etc. Now there is nothing. I really want to tell her that the kids think she is dumping them and not paying enough attention to them, but I am unsure if that is appropriate or will just start another fight. She is still very defensive on anything the could be construed as a weakness within her.

I sent the kids home with the cookies we made.

Then I get a text at 0520 this morning(W is never up at that time): Thanks for the cookies! I hope your ankle is feeling better! We didn't make the cookies for her, im not upset that she enjoys them, I had no expectations for her to appreciate them or miss me or anything, they were just for the kids to take home and enjoy(and for me to not gain weight eating them!!) There is nothing in there that requires a response so I'm not going to reply. Its just an odd occurrence. I don't think she believes me that I go to work at 5am and get home at 6pm and is checking to see if I reply when I say I'm at work(I don't have my phone at work due to security and she knows it).


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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