Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

[CanBird]

Thanks LB55. Even though I go through moments of wanting to talk to someone about H, there really isn't anyone I want to talk to, other than a total stranger, like IC. Even that probably won't happen. Not so easy to find help with d. But I guess if I really needed it, I'd find a way. For now, I will stick with venting here & in my journal. (Which I will hide when H get's home).

[CanBird]

Busy mommy morning. Product & pleasant afternoon for the most part. I was really feeling emotional today. Probably hormones..lol.. being around so many mommies today! I almost cried happy tears at library storytime, when I saw a friend who just recently had a baby. Twice I saw men that reminded me of H, and it just hurt. When I got home, I'd seen a post on fb, about a kid bday that we weren't invited too, but thought we would be. The mom was just at my house for my kids party! I was feeling left out. But soon got over it.

Spent a few hours hitting the dirt again. Its one of my favorite thing to do. Be in the garden..

I'm doing something that scares me (in a good way) this Saturday.

Stay turned

[CanBird]

Reading DR. I'm so tired at the end of the day, I don't really have the energy to read as much as I'd like to, but I am reading a little every night.

One thing in particular, that struck a cord, was saying I love you. What about it? Before BD, leading up to it.. I said it a lot! Is that a bad thing? I never thought it was. Growing up, we said I love you a lot. In my marriage, I always said it before we go to bed, when we went our separate ways for the day, when ending phone calls or text, or just at random because I was feeling lovey. I expected him to reciprocate asap, was disappointed when he didn't, and would repeat "gesture of love", until he returned the gesture. Looking back, wow! I can now see that that was kind of needy and annoying in a way.

When our rough patch started (2 yrs ago) I realized, I was the one that always said I love you. H would say it back, but I honestly can't remember him saying it first. Then I started just making a "kiss noise" to him, in place of me saying "I love you". Eventually, I just stopped saying it as often because I thought why should I?

Where am I going with this? We think differently, we act differently, we show our emotions differently.

H is away at sea until November. My focus is saving our marriage because that's what I want. When he did the BD, I listened, but I also said all the typical things one says when faced with a BD. You name it, I probable said it. After that first conversation, and H confirming his BD, I did read articles that said, LISTEN more & say less, so that helped. Our last recent conversation, I WISH I would of listened more and said less. (I wasn't active on this site yet, didn't have DR) The connection was horrible. He's at sea & I'm on an island. Not the most ideal connection; very frustrating. I did a bad thing and added to the BD by asking questions that have already been asked. I don't want to relive this conversation so I'm going to stop talking about it.

Moving forward. One day at a time.

[CanBird]

Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up.

Don't cry over the past, it's gone. Don't stress about the future, it hasn't arrived. Live in the present and make it beautiful.

~The Law of Universe~

[Ready2Change]

As far as "I love you", I would let him say it first. You can then reciprocate, but not every time. maybe H3 W2.

[Ready2Change]

Read this post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

[Ready2Change]

I would encourage you to send him stuff about your daughter, pictures, stories, etc. While he may not want to deal with you right now, he will still notice sending him stuff about your daughter. It will mean something to him. Just don't try and sneak in a relationship talk, short wordy jabs, or other stuff. Make it a safe way to communicate instead of an off limits ineffective one.

Very sound advise.


You have been given a gift of time and space. Use it wisely. Focus on your personal growth.


Everything that works is so counter-intuitive.

[CanBird]

As far as "I love you", I would let him say it first. You can then reciprocate, but not every time. maybe H3 W2.

Thanks for your reply Ready2Change.

The last time we said "I love you" was April 18th, when I dropped him off at the airport. I tried to be strong and not cry (I'm an ugly crier, and my eyes are puffy for days). I tried to be strong, and was until he asked me, "Are you going to be okay?" I replied, "I have to be... for her." The the tears & snot started to flow. (aka ugly cry) We hugged. I said, "I love you". And he said, "I love you too." And that was that, until his June 3rd call to BD again, just to be clear.

Definitely will not be saying I love you first. Basically I'm thinking of him as more of a roommate at this point. It helps

[CanBird]

I would encourage you to send him stuff about your daughter, pictures, stories, etc. While he may not want to deal with you right now, he will still notice sending him stuff about your daughter. It will mean something to him. Just don't try and sneak in a relationship talk, short wordy jabs, or other stuff. Make it a safe way to communicate instead of an off limits ineffective one.

Very sound advise.


You have been given a gift of time and space. Use it wisely. Focus on your personal growth.


Everything that works is so counter-intuitive.

I did send him a Father's Day card from daughter, with a photo & a picture she drew. He doesn't get mail right away, but it's always the thought that counts.

Next month I will do the same and send a birthday card, which isn't until mid August. As mentioned, it takes awhile for the mail to get to it's destination. This is our normal, we're use to it.

We share an Instagram account, it's for our daughter. He can see videos & pictures of her there. I'm don't bother sending him anything on his personal email or text. (unless my daughter asks me to) As for his work mail, that's for business or serious matters. I can't send photos via that email, due to the possibility of viruses.

YES we definitely have the gift of time and space. I truly believe that as well.

I also read the link you included above, thank you

[CanBird]

"I don't want to come home. I don't want to be married." These are statements my husband (of 6 years ,together 10) said over the phone, while away at sea. He's at work, until November. He left mid April. I wrote these statements down, and I'm trying to forget he even said those words.

A few months earlier, after our 3 yr old daughter was asleep, we had THE TALK. He opened up and communicated with me, that for the last 2 years, he hasn't been happy. As horrible as it was to hear, I was happy that he finally was able to be honest with me. He said, it wasn't me, it was him. He loves me, but he's not sure about our future, not sure if it's what he wants. It's not what he pictured. I suggested we talk to someone, he said no. Us talking was good enough. So we cried, we talked, we cried, and we had passionate sex. In the morning he said, I don't want to lose you guys. We had a great family day. And then the next day, it all went back to being unhappy.

I noticed a change in him 2 years ago. His family & friends noticed a change. We live on an island, and don't see family a lot, but I've been asked, "What's up with him?" Drinking more, distant, and a bit of a jerk. Not his normal behavior. I tried to get him to talk, but he's not one to communicate, would often answer my questions with "why"? I just brushed it off as stress & walked on egg shells around him for a bit, but always tried to get him to open up, even called him out when he was being a jerk. He'd say sorry, and I'd say, "Whatever THIS is, whatever is going on between us, the not being nice, IT's got to stop". His behavior drove me to be silent, and distant. When I tried to address things,he wouldn't talk. And with him being a jerk, I brushed him off. We never addressed anything, and he goes away for 6 months and comes back. And we do the whole thing over again, but finally address it with THE TALK.

Before going back to work, he slept on the couch, and kept himself busy completing renovations on our in-law-suite, which had been on going for months and stressful. I did my mom thing during the day, and tried not to cry at night. The only person that knows our business is us. So we did talk about THIS with each other a few more times, and a few more details came to light, mainly about his past & not trusting anyone, but in the end, he was still unhappy. I still want to work on things, and we do love each other. My love is the same as it ever was. He says that he loves me, but it's not like it use to be. He said, it's like more of his love has shifted to our daughter. When I dropped him off at the airport in April, we hugged & cried. He said, "Will you be okay?" I said, "I have to, for her.... I love you." "I love you too".

I gave him his space, and did not contact him unless it was urgent. We went a couple of weeks with zero contact. For my daughters birthday, he sent her a video message. He looked so sad. And the next contact we had was his call to reconfirm his feelings of unhappiness. It was difficult to listen too and the connection was horrible. He was getting frustrated at repeating himself. I tried to remain calm, and let him talk & not let my emotions get in the way. The D word did come up. With the bad connection, and given the topic at hand, my focus was only on the first 2 statements he said, "I don't want to come home. I don't want to be married." I sent him a text after our call, basically saying , I'll be okay. This is a serious moment in our lives... it's our business.... let's keep it to our selves ... I'm here to listen anytime.." He responded with, "Hi, okay...I'm more than sorry. Thank you".

What can I do to save my married? I love this man. I believe this is a rough patch. I came across an article that I shared with him about Male Menopause (andropause). He has a lot of the signs of going through this (aka mid-life crisis), and he agreed with me. We are both on "pause" right now until November because of his work.

I haven't said it, but I refuse to look into how to file for a D. I'm not replaying his words in my head, but instead say, "Never Give Up". I read a great post on here, OH... Your not going to Die! I think that's it! And it said, Never Give Up. I can't give up. I have no problem with him traveling on his own, going off to find himself or whatever, but I can't give up on our marriage. I'm use to him being gone a lot for work, and he'll always be in my life,(we have a kid) but to not try and save something we both just ignored? We literally never gave ourselves a chance to work things out, and I think we owe it to ourselves, and our daughter to actually try.

He comes from a divorced family. Parents never married, had him & his sister young. They split. Mom gets together with her exs brother & they have 2 kids. My husband & his sister, in their early years, are brought up to believe that their uncle, their moms current guy, is actually their dad. He was lied to for years, even by all his family, and believed this, until he was 8-9yrs old, when his relationship with his real father came to life. He's only really shared this with me recently, the hurt of being lied to and how this cause him to not trust anyone & it's hard for him to communicate.

My parent where high school sweethearts, had their share of rough patches, but stayed married, mostly happy times. My mother passed away from cancer after I met my husband. They got to met in person once at least.

We met in 2008, married & started our island life in 2012. Bought our first house in 2013, tried starting a family right away. Had to go through IVF treatments (and many miscarriages) before giving birth in 2016 (I was 45.. he was 39). And here we are now. Where does the time go?

Never Give Up is my daily mantra. More than a daily mantra, I mumble it throughout the day. I might get it tattooed on my finger ( or a Hana). My daughter is my number one priority, always. And I have to take care of myself too. I know this. I've had my moments. the nights are very hard. Very thankful to find this forum to open up to.

I don't have anyone that I want to talk to. other than my husband. He feels the same way. I'm leaving him alone while he's at work. What can read that might be helpful? He's physically unavailable to interact with. We literally will not see each other until November. (That's our normal). I wrote him a pretty length letter, that he read before he left for work. I hope he has it with him & I hope he reads it. I don't want to give up on our marriage.

Help is needed.