FS great name btw!! I haven't consulted any solicitors, but will look at it, to see what my rights are. I know why he is asking for the marriage cert, he has asked for a copy and he needs the original. I think he thinks I know misreading that I will crackdown because I don't want to d. Not today I won't be. Fathers day is now a sticky situation, I will email him to offer a couple of hours. Think he knows my boundary now and no more sleeping together. You are right I can't stop him introducing ow, but he wants a full day and night on my weekend, to introduce ow and her kids. My mind is just blown at this, he has already told the children and asked did they want to stay of course they said yes without asking me to give up my day. Of course ow and her children will be staying at his house, I wouldn't want to put any child in that situation. I asked him to introduce in a neutral space for an hr or two. Wh and ow have spent irl a total of 19 days together. If I did that wh would go berserk and rightly so in my opinion. This is a ldr and it feels as if everything is right here, right now. Wh has said he had sent pictures to her of our children that I have never seen, she is part of his life, so therefore part of theirs. All I get is ow has spent thousands to come and see me and I have a family outing planned and I will have my children. I have not mentioned anything to my children of had mouthed there dad. Are you saying I should agree to this meeting. I told him I can't stop him doing whatever on his days.
I would let him have the kids but let him know that next time, he needs to ask for and not just assume he can have them on your weekends. Something like "H, You can have them this time but please ask me next time you want to make changes to the schedule. It is not appropriate for you to make plans on my weekend without first speaking to me. Next time you do so I will not be so amiable".
I know it's tough. God, I would be in pieces if it were me and can only think rationally because it isn't. You cannot stop him from introducing her to the children. If he doesn't do it this time, he will do it the next opportunity he has. It is only a matter of time. At least this way he cannot blame you (though he probably will find a way to blame you).
Walk the high road. Keep your head up. Handle yourself with as much grace and dignity as you can muster.
Oh, and make plans for the weekend he introduces the kids to the OW. Lots of plans. Preferably with girlfriends, alcohol and lots of dancing.
(((Solo))) My heart goes out to you. Your WH sounds a lot like mine. He introduced our kids to the OW last July (lied to them...told him he wanted to introduce them to her son (a student at his school) and passed her off as "the mother"). He "moved in" with her last May and started leading a double life until I found out about it in mid-September. Even then, he INSISTED she was a "roommate" that he "barely knew" until March when he could not deny it any longer. He recently bought a house with her so he is all in.
I know how tough this is. TRUST ME... it will get better in time. I will be divorced soon and am looking forward to it being over. I didn't think I would EVER feel that way. I thought he was the love of my life. But he changed... A LOT... and he lied and cheated for so long that he destroyed any chance we ever had to save our family. He is but a shell of the person I once loved. That person is long gone and I see that now. I am happier than I was. I've made some new friends. I've met someone who happily gives me the affection I was so starved of in my marriage. Don't know if it is going to be a long term thing, but it is great right now. I see things clearly now and you will too. You just have to get through this time until the fog clears. It is liberating when it finally does. It REALLY is!!!
Stick to your guns. Accept nothing less than what you deserve. Sending you lots of love and (((HUGS))) from across the miles.
Wh emailed last night regarding the marriage cert, I sent wh the link, emailed back I guess you wont resist divorce. I said I am committed to this marriage but cant stop you doing what you want to do. Wh then realised he is blocked from my phone. Q another rant email, I validated with I understand that it must be frustrating, I can see it's important to you. I would like to talk about it when it's a little less emotional. Another email stating that I am dictating what his relationship with the children entails, I think this is in regards to my boundary of wh not having the children for my weekend to introduce ow, and he resents my implications that I am more qualified then wh to see what's best. Wh is good at turning it around on me, he thinks i am selfish and looking after number 1 (me) because i dont want to get into conflict late at night. Wh is still ranting he got thrown out of the house the other night, no i asked him to leave, he left . He makes me feel like crap, and that I am floundering with every conversation. Makes me feel like i am the one having the affair.
ugh, just awful. Maybe if you try to think of him as a badly behaved toddler having a tantrum that might help? You know how when little kids have a meltdown and shout that they hate you and kick and scream and everything is your fault? That's how he's behaving. And with a toddler you're firm and have boundaries and ignore the screaming and kicking and wailing. Do that. Stay strong. He's calling you selfish because deep down he knows full well he's the selfish one, it's classic projection.
SoloUK this sounds so difficult. I can't imagine. My H is hard work sometimes, and he speaks to me atrociously sometimes, but he doesn't come near this type of behaviour. I think, as hard as it is to follow, Dilly has some very good advice. Treat him as a stranger who isn't very well - you can have some distant sympathy for his madness while keeping you and your children as insulated from it has possible. He's clearly not in his right mind.
As far as I can see we’re done you’re taking every step to preserve yourself even at to the detriment of the kids and ensuring that any remnants of a relationship we may have burns at the same time so yes I’m frustrated,angry, sad and scared but hey get a good nights rest
This is the type of thing I get, makes me feel like s**t, for protecting myself from conflict. All wh wants is for me to roll over say yes and then he will be happy. He throws this line our relationship about, and to say we are done. Hang on you are in the wrong and make me feel as if I am the one who is burning it down where is the sense.
I know FS has said I should allow this, but should I? It's just another thing that I back down from, he has practically taken it away by already asking the children, so I look bad to the children to take this away from them. I honestly feel like saying f it you have the children, I am out done with all this crap, the feeling I am wrong even when I validate him it wrong. There is no relationship and will blame me for d, as I wouldnt back down and I am emotional and irrational
There will be exceptions to the "normal" parent plan.
Use this opportunity to get Fathersday/Mothersday agreement in place.
Solo, do you want the kids with you all day on mothers day? Just for a few hours? All weekend?
Email:
"H, I believe it is important for the kids to spend mothers-day with me and fathers- day with you. Would you prefer that they spend only the day or the whole weekend?"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Mothers day wh was still at home, so I got the day with the children. I asked wh last week if he wanted to swop weekends.. Hasn't got back to me on that so I have plans with the children can't put my life on hold . I will still offer dinner with us so he gets time with children and then it's up to him.
Regarding meeting the ow and spending the night, I will do as flying solo suggested. Had a good IC session and it was mentioned IC stated the same as dillydaf yep wh is a toddler throwing his toys out of the pram and in this instance I was the adult and expected wh to be an adult to guess not. IC said I was taking my power back and wh doesn't like it as where has his meek and mild wife gone. Well you fired me so meek and mild is no longer home. IC stated that if I allow wh to have my weekend he will see it as a win, but really I have won as I am staring up and being an adult.
Overall feeling pretty positive, I know it can all come tumbling down but today is a good day
Well I invited wh for dinner with the children, went well, polite smiley etc. Gifts given from children. Will not expect to hear off an again unless he wants something normal pattern. So I am dark and off his grid to. Solo put that phone down you are not going to reach out to wh.
