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#2840562 03/06/19 02:31 PM
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Hi. I'm new here. I was wondering if anyone has had experience with what behaviors will be seen as a wife moves from Replay to Depression? My wife is in replay rn just wondering what to look for. About 2 years ago she lost about 40 lbs and was eating really well. As of this past summer she has been gaining most of that weight back and she is eating lots of junk. Is this a possible sign that Replay is winding down and Depression is begining. I know there are no set rules and everyone is on a different path. Just want to see if anyone has any real life experience with this.

Yes. I am practicing detachment. I don't speak with her unless absolutely necessary. I'm just trying to determine what's best for me and my kids. If this thing is coming to an end then I will hold on but if there's no end in sight I have to start planning for an alternate future.

Do I continue to wait it out or do I move on?

Thanks

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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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F4

Welcome

As you said no set timeline

Hard to give more advice without more info

You cannot control her process

So tell us more about you and your situation

You can control you

Extreme weight loss and exercise is common

Particularly for women of MLC

Extreme weight gain is common

Particularly for women in depression

But what else is going on


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Welcome to the MLC Forum! People who post on all of the forums have experienced the monsters of MLC and WAS. It's not an easy journey, but over time, things will become a bit more clearer for you. Read the homework that Cadet has provided and start visiting the other threads on the forum. You will begin to see many of the same traits in each thread. Each MLCer will experience some of the same traits of others, but because of childhood issues and personalities, each will be unique. How long does it take? It has been said 5-7 years, but it will take as long as it takes for her to work through her crisis. Some do not come out of it and they will behave as teenagers for the rest of their lives because they don't want to face their issues and accept what they could not change and grow up. Time will tell where she is.

When going through the stages of MLC, they are not moving in a linear fashion. They can bounce back and forth from anger all the way to withdrawal and back again. MLC's main ingredient is depression. MLC is all about going back the time in their childhood lives whereby they were emotionally stunted by someone.

While they are in replay, they will begin to experience the very deep, dark depression and withdrawal. Replay is where they act out as teenagers and do the things that they once did. This is the stage where they have to do the "one more time" things in life.

MLC is not a sprint, it is a marathon. It is a journey for both of you. She needs to go back and face those demons and accept that she was not at fault for whatever happened and begin to move forward and grow up, emotionally and mentally. As for your journey, it is a time to rediscover YOU! It is a time to do those things that you've not been able to do for a long time. Make a list of things that you put aside and begin to work on them. It's a time to make changes for you, if you think you need to make changes. Changes should be only for you and not to win her back.

As to whether you wait on move on, that is a decision only you can make. However because you are asking the question, I would venture to say that you aren't ready to move on. For now, continue to move forward and keep the focus on you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Mine isn't out of replay yet (still an OW lurking) but I think he is getting near the end and has had a first awakening and is reconnecting.

I saw depression throughout. I'm seeing a return to calm now. A slowing down. More responsiveness. More ability to handle responsibility. Visible sadness. Efforts to restore relationships.

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Hello Faith4fu

If you have any waiver about standing or moving on - Stand!

As to an eventual end to her behavour. There is no answer to timelines. I tend to believe that most people grow up and figure out their past. Whether they reach out to the LBS is a question, again not knowable. And unfortunately some people never find their way back from the darkness.

When talking about my beliefs regarding most common trends. Most LBS stop standing before the MLC runs its course. And that is perfectly alright. Standing is for you, not her.

You mentioned doing the best for you and your kids.

Originally Posted by Faith4fu
Do I continue to wait it out or do I move on?

This was not fully answered in my first line.

You do neither.

Do not move on until absolutely sure it is what your deep core beliefs tell you to do.

Do not wait. This is a long process. Waiting will make it feel even longer.

You stand and move forward. Live you life! Love your life! GAL. You work on yourself, you become the best Faith4fu you can be. You become the best Dad you can be.

Do you have any long term headings? Grand noble goals to reach, like forgiveness.

I would love to hear more of your situation. How long married? How many and how old are kids? You mentioned detachment, how is that coming along. Any feelings of indifference?

I do hope you will post, it does help one sort out their feelings and thoughts.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Some excellent advice that I received here was to make the choice each and every day on whether you are shutting the door or leaving it open.

For me - one day I was sure down to my bones that I was done waiting and I was done that day. This did follow months of soul searching though.

I don't regret my choice.


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D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Ok. I haven't been on in a long time. Life has been busy. I am so glad this forum exists though. Hopefully I will be able to get on.

It's been almost 3 months since I started to notice changes in w. She has not been hateful towards me in almost 3 mos. She just looks depressed and "beaten".

She is still sleeping on the couch and is still participating in an online ea. That also seems to be losing steam.

Yesterday she gave me $70 to help with the bills and said she will try to do more.

She just seems like she is being nicer to me.

As for me, I am almost 90 days sober. Not drinking has helped me gain clarity.

Just trying to figure out if replay may be coming to an end.

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I'm just wondering if somone can answer a question for me.

I read somewhere on one of the threads that there comes a point at which your mlc w won't leave if she hasn't yet.

Can somoeone confirm or correct that assumption?

W seems to be in the last stages of replay. She has been very calm for at least four months now. No cycling... Just calm.

She is still involved in online ea (he lives in another country). There has never been evidence of a pa. I read an article about the 2nd half of replay and how it begins the 1st awakening. I just feel like we're there.

I just want to hear other peoples thoughts.

I have been working on myself and now accept any outcome that occurs.

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As long as there is an affair, she is still in replay, PERIOD. Anything can send her right back to early replay (or other phases). I am not an expert but I would assume your only bet on a chance of her staying is after acceptance, AND you have both decided to dedicate everything to saving the M. Early reconciliation will lead only to disaster.

From personal experience, do not try and guess which stage they are in. It will only hurt you. For me, I thought for certain my W was headed out of replay. Her EA had been continuing (in secrecy) despite our reconciliation. I had been convinced she was in the clear and of sound mind. When I found out I asked her about it and it threw her right back into the tunnel at full force. Separation soon followed. EA turned PA and we are divorced 6 months later. She has lost her close family, the respect of friends/community, her home, her loving husband and continues to be with OM.

Start GAL and planning a new and wonderful future for you and the kids. Regardless of what occurs, you will be mentally prepared for the outcome. MLC folks have untapped stamina and will wear you down for a very long time. As seen in many instances here, they will stop at nothing. They will destroy anything and everything while on their journey. Protect yourself and the kids emotionally.

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