Question about them resolving issues from childhood / adolescence. My wife is like her father, both introverts with a bit of narcissism. They find it very difficult to view other people perspectives / opinions. They can not apologize for anything even if they know they have wronged.
I personally feel my wife's issue revolve around her parents. Both European immigrants that worked their butts off to make a better life for their family. The issue is they never found a life beyond this, they never did anything for themselves, took risks etc. They were very loving and not overly strict except for excessive rules ( eat your entire meal, keep things organised clean etc.)
My wife became a rebellious teen ( nothing crazy) She dated somebody the parents did not approve of. Her father did not talk to her for an entire year because of his stubbornness and his own issues. I am certain this scarred my wife.
Her parents never supported her taking risks and finding herself. I know my wife is resentful for this. She has a terrible time making decisions and finding a life beyond raising kids and her job.
Question: I can recognize these issues from her upbringing, but does she? This also may have nothing to do with her issue. She is still if a fog, seems depressed and lost at times. We get along great, do everything normal as parents but zero indication of moving towards fixing us.
She currently is seeing a therapist every 3 weeks but I have no idea what they are discussing.
If my wife has issues from her past and is in MLC, does she recognize these issues?
Right now, no, she doesn't recognize the issues she needs to work on. However, if she is seeing a therapist, this person may help her navigate her crisis a bit more and delve into her past. If she is one of the lucky ones, she will eventually see the light and face those issues and come to realize that she was a child and not at fault for whatever happened. Until then, she needs to go through the entire crisis to get to the other side.
You didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her. Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Curious if things are getting closer to an end. Lately my wife has been engaging in conversation. Has been engaged with kids, household things. Has been acting way more like herself. She texts me a lot more about kid stuff, but seems like she is reaching out. She messaged me about children and things we need to do to better raise them, used language like "us" in the text. She just messaged me asking what I wanted for father's day. I feel like she is still avoiding her issues but hopefully the therapist is helping her work through this. She is still distant at home but so I am. Again it is frustrating going about life wanting so badly to say "Hey, what about us? Remember 20 years together?" I realize the stuff she has done and has said is all related to MLC, but at some point we need to acknowledge this and move forward. It is so hard to heal, when someone tells you they never loved you and would rather be apart to find themselves and experience other relationships, but still carry on day to day activities as if nothing is wrong. I know I know, detach, work on myself, don't focus on her. Way easier said then done.
Another positive is that the twice divorced women she has been talking to has revealed herself as more crazy, she told my wife she wants to learn spanish and become a flight attendant. This women has major issues, she runs away from everything. She is the one that has told my wife that seeking your own happiness is key and divorcing is just a step forward, kids will be fine etc. My wife is recognizing that this women is crazy. Interesting thing is that this women is the same person that got my wife in trouble as a teenager where the real issues started.
Fingers crossed things are moving in the right direction. I am remaining patient. Do Not Engage, Refrain, Patience, Let Go,
You don't always have to detach. Try to reward her "good" behaviors and ignore the bad ones. You don't want to come off as over-eager but if she is starting to make some positive moves, it's ok to respond a little bit. Do you know her Love Languages? Try to unobtrusively speak them (such as, if hers is Words of Affirmation, try just a casual :that blouse looks nice" or "that's a good color on you".). Nothing too obvious - subtle.
Love languages. Yep, I think we all start out rather clueless in this regard. Have you read the book - The Five Love Languages. It is quite good. Even has a quiz at the end you can take.
It is pretty interesting, and of course knowledge and growth is a good thing.
This is definitely on my recommended list of books.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Last night was amazing and heartbreaking. My wife and I have been the biggest Toronto Raptor fans, we have watched every game for the past 5 years. It is one of the biggest things we share and enjoy. Even going through the past 4 months of MLC hell, we still watch and enjoy the games together. I really felt like things were improving with her, but I got my expectations too high. Our team won the entire championship, we watched it with our kids. We always get super excited over big wins. I wish I didn't, but I went in for a celebratory hug. She accepted it with half a hug, no embrace. It was crushing because 5 months ago we would have celebrated, hugged, intimacy etc. I was so crushed. Anybody in the right frame of mind would have seen how crushed I was, think the kids did. My wife didn't, but I tried really hard to hide it. It certainly showed me that very little has changed in her closeness, relationship with me. This is all so unfair.
This rollercoaster [censored], this morning she was clueless about me being crushed which is probably a good thing. She is acting like everything is fine. She is wanting to buy championship Tshirts and keeps texting me for what I want for her to buy.
I am crushed because I should be so ecstatic over our team winning, we should have celebrated together as a couple. I want this to be over so badly but last night showed me it's far from over. It's amazing how she only see's us as roommates raising kids.
I am also getting nervous for the near future. We will both be off for the summer, home together - all day every day. Our 17 anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks and we are going to my parents 50th wedding anniversary in August. These are going to be the most emotionally difficult things to endure.
Sorry about the crushing blow you experienced. You are completely correct - expectations. Keep them at zero. It is hard to do, I know.
Roommates raising kids, that’s how she sees things - for now. Give her space and time to see things differently.
You need to get to a similar place, detachment - more roommate for now as well. You won’t be as nervous regarding the near future or far future either - so you’ll know once you find indifference and detachment.
Hoping you have a Happy Father’s Day.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Do not be the sad and clingy guy with nothing to do
You will watch her every move and that is creepy
Rediscover who you are without w
Your interests and your friends
And remember that is the guy that attracted 17+ years ago
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I absolutely need to detach, this is not getting better. Her mother talked to her yesterday and she told her nothing has changed. She once again encouraged therapy and my wife feels like she is just talking in circles. My wife told her mother that she needs to get away for a couple of days. Her mother offered to go with her. I know this won't help anything it's just so sad.
Yesterday she wished me a happy fathers day. I mistakenly laughed, (I'm just so worn out). She walked away upset. Says that she thinks I make passive aggressive remarks under my breath. I don't always but I am sure I have a few times. I apologized for this and told her that I am hear to listen if she ever wants to talk. I told her that I just want her to be ok. She told me she is fine. My wife unfortunately does not want to face her issues. She still can't have silence, still listens to podcasts whenever she is alone doing something like getting dressed, makeup, making lunches, cleaning etc. It is frustrating that she tells me she thinks she's going crazy but doesn't feel like she has anything to talk to therapist about.
The worst part of everything is I felt she was making progress, communicating more with me, starting actually conversations, looking me in the eye, joking a bit, buying me things, doing things for me etc. She even talked about the family trip this summer. To hear that absolutely nothing has changed in her mind is sad. It's sad she has no idea or care for what this is doing to me.
How does MLC end? How can you possibly recognize signs of it ending?
