I (not on purpose) ignored advice and undid all my hard work that I had done to GAL. I was drawn back into the rollercoaster that is his life. I don’t want to go into too much detail, as he found me on another forum I am and stalked my posts, showed them to the OW and had a good laugh at me and humiliated me. I have at least had the sense to not allow him to be in my life to the degree he said he wanted. Unfortunately he was continually telling me he loved me while doing all this with the OW and she found out and has harassed me since. The only plus side to this is that he has now seen how crazy she has been and so have his family, who I spoke to recently for the first time since he left. I now have their total support as of course they were not aware of how he has treated me. I am not sure there is any way back for us from this, but if this is some kind of MLC, at least now they are aware and can hopefully drum some sense into him to get his life back in order in terms of his mental health and his job that he is on the verge of losing.
I have continued divorce proceedings and he now has my wedding ring- I told him to take it otherwise it was going down the drain. I am now on my own mission to GAL and re reading the ‘rules’ every time I feel weak. Previously when I was trying to implement them it was with the aim of getting him back, this time it is for me to get over him.
Ah Monkey - I have sometimes wondered how you were getting along. I am so sorry your H and his OW humiliated you in that way. Whatever else has happened on both sides, that's petty and cruel and unnecessary. I'm glad you're moving forward. It is horrible to be stuck and it is horrible to have to move forward alone, but I think you've chosen the best of the options available to you.
I sometimes wonder if the spouses who behave so utterly outrageously are easier to move on from? Maybe not, because that humiliation sounds hard to take, but I can imagine that it really helps detachment! Whereas a spouse who is just common or garden confused and confusing and occasionally horrible might give you more false hope and hanging out for possible change. In any case, I wish you luck with your GAL and your H's MLC is no longer your problem (the OW sounds pretty messed up too, what a pair!)
It’s easier in a way, but not in others. I think about how he has treated me and it makes me so utterly sad that a man who was once kind and caring and loving, would do that kind of thing. Then I channel my anger into detaching, focusing on me etc so I’m that sense it helps.
He (again!) is not liking the no contact, he really can’t handle not knowing what is going on in my life. He has phoned to speak to the children twice in two days now (usually only a couple of times a week at most) and he is trying desperately to talk to me about normal stuff and ask what’s going on but I have just shut him down and gave the phone to the kids. I am annoyed that a part of me does want to talk to him, but I am NOT letting him do this to me again.
I will see him later today for Father’s Day, I’m a bit unsure of how that will be but I am going to re read the rules over and over and out all my energy into not showing emotion and detaching.
Hi Monkey. I hope Father's day went well for you. I saw H very briefly - he picked Youngsest up. I had him all ready and wished them a very good time together, and he brought her back a few hours later and I made a big fuss of Youngest and let H slink away. I had a sad moment - thinking about how much we used to love each other and how I used to drive home fast from work so I could see him - and now he's just some guy who drops off my daughter and who, generally, I am relieved to see the back of. But it passed very quickly.
Thanks Alison, as it turns out it was a bit of a turning point for us. I’m sorry you are feeling like that. I am still amazed at how much people can change.
So 3 weeks ago it was Father’s Day, he initiated relationship talk. Since then he has ended all contact with OW, and has been putting all his energy and effort into repairing our marriage. He is doing all the right things, and I am trying too. He has not yet moved back in (I am nervous of this) and I have not yet stopped divorce proceedings. Things are going well, but (and it’s a huge but) I don’t trust him. I don’t trust that he won’t contact her again, and I am also struggling to move past the affair. I find myself thinking of things they did together etc. It’s eating me up inside. I am hoping with time this will improve. It is difficult as many people say not to take him back, once a cheat always a cheat but I do believe had our marriage not been in trouble in the first place, he wouldn’t have cheated, plus we have children to think about. I do think I’m doing the right thing with trying again, but I don’t think I realised how difficult it would be.
is he willing to do IC and / or MC with you? Can he talk about his own thought processes around his poor decision to have an A without blaming you for them? Is he committed to total transparency with you for as long as it takes?
I think you're right not to have him move in just yet - there's been a lot of up and down and to-ing and fro-ing with him, and (though I don't have personal experience in piecing or R yet) all the vets say it takes a really really long time for the WH to have a deep down change of heart and put in the work needed. It's only been three weeks. What you say about the marriage having problems prior to his A is really positive - and you taking responsibility for your part in those problems is positive too - but it is going to take a really long time to rebuild trust and he's going to have to accept that.
I hope some more experienced people can come along and give you advice. For the time being, I think taking it extremely slowly and not raising the expectations of the children is the wisest thing to do.
My husband has been living back in our home for over 6 months now. As far as I know he ended all contact with OW, and I have not heard from her since. I am trying to forgive what he has done, but I am struggling. I do not trust him. I trusted him once and he betrayed me beyond comprehension, I don’t know if this will ever come back. If you asked me 6 months or a year ago whether I loved him, the answer would have been yes, no hesitation. Now, I am not so sure.
I fought for our family to be back together again, but I don’t think I am happier. I feel like he has ruined what we had. He refuses to talk about the affair, he says he doesn’t want to rake up the past and we should try and move on. Sometimes he is lovely, the sweetest man, but other times he is just... indifferent. I don’t know whether it is just the time of year- it is just over a year since he walked away, so I keep thinking back to where I was a year ago, that he was with her etc. I don’t know how long to give it. How do I move forward?
