You are getting some very good advice here already so I won't repeat all the same things, but I agree 100% with AS. At one point my EW proposed an 8 week separation, but it was BS that the MC had suggested, and she had no intention of staying in the MR. I think it can also be seen as a way of letting you down gently rather than all at once.
I was very lucky in that I moved out of the house right after BD, but was able to get back into the house 4 months later. My EW, for all of her defects, was a woman of her word, plus she felt/feels extremely guilty about destroying the MR. However, that is a rare case, and I think it would be even more unlikely to happen with children involved. No matter what, you should stay put - not because it will or won't help you salvage the MR, but because it is the best thing for you and the children. She might file right away, she might linger in the house for a long time in IHS, or she might move out. But that's all on her, not you.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
The no dating thing is my rule if we separate. We didn’t even discuss it yet. I doubt it will be an issue.
I recognize that separation is also firing me as her H. If I accept it under whatever terms, I also need to NOT act as if this 6 month period is to “save” my marriage.
I need time to process everything honestly. Some separations end in reconciliation. It’s impossible to know if mine would. Most don’t. I know this. But predicting the fate of mine is basically impossible. If I felt “oh this is just a soft divorce” then I would say let’s just file and get on with it.
It is a crappy position. It’s all on me right now. She did not take any ownership other than agreeing (reluctantly) that our communication is awful. The MC kept pointing this out to her. I told my W last night regardless of our outcome this has to be addressed for our kids sake. I was assertive in a way I haven’t been before.
Anyways... the advice to let her walk and keep the house is the same to me as filing for D. She self identifies as having PTSD for past abuse. Me insisting I stay in the house is going to be unhealthy for me, my kids, and her. The past few months have been enough.
Some separations end in reconciliation. It’s impossible to know if mine would. Most don’t. I know this. But predicting the fate of mine is basically impossible.
I sense that you are trying to justify to yourself that accepting her terms and leaving is the right thing because you think there might be a ray of hope that it will save your M. YOU ARE WRONG. Sorry to be so blunt, but you are very hard-headed. You get advice from multiple people who have walked your road and are the wiser for it, and you continue to say "oh but my situation is different and requires different action." This is what you did regarding MC, and it's what you're doing now regarding S. Your situation is absolutely, positively NOT different. If you leave your wife is going to laugh at how wimpy of a pushover you are, mark my words.
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Anyways... the advice to let her walk and keep the house is the same to me as filing for D.
NO IT'S NOT. It's you saying "whatever you do is your choice, but I am not helping." I'm a little perplexed that you don't seem to understand this. You are just staying, nothing more. You tell her you wish she would stay and work on the M but if she chooses to leave you won't stop her. SHE IS THE ONE THAT LEAVES. If she says "fine then I'm filing for D" then rest assured, that was her plan all along anyway. But she knows if she moves out and files for D it puts her in a difficult position in court, whereas if YOU leave then she's in a much better position to keep the home and gain primary custody of the kids.
IF YOU LEAVE YOU WILL REGRET IT IN WAYS YOU CAN'T IMAGINE RIGHT NOW.
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Me insisting I stay in the house is going to be unhealthy for me, my kids, and her. The past few months have been enough.
You did the MC. You got it done. You got your answers and folks here have helped you decode it. Now is the time for getting your ball$ back together. Time for decisive action and not worrying about consequences. I co-sign everything AS has just said in the post above. The worst scenario is that she'll D you. But you knew that all along. You can't nice her back. You can't make her change her mind. She is trying to let you down slowly. You go this path, you will have another year or more of agony. Make decisive moves now and move ahead with your life. Go re-read what I wrote about Txhubby. I wish he was still around to give his take, but he suffered for 2 years before he woke up. You have the chance right now to not go through that. Just make a decision to stay in the house, communicate it to her, and let her figure it out.
People don't separate with the intentions of saving or working on their marriage. They separate with the intentions of getting a Divorce and if during that period it doesn't work out for them then they might return. They also don't move out with 3 small kids either. What woman in their right mind, that wants to save their marriage does this????? None that I can think of.
The only thing she is trying to do is to extricate herself from the situation with least amount of guilt and drama as possible.
It’s a soft divorce. Remember she already thinks your fragile. Show her she’s wrong and that you are strong and you won’t leave your children and surrender your castle.
If you leave that house the only time you will see the inside of the house again will be as a visitor. Again, if she was working on the marriage she wouldn’t ask you to leave.
We continue to go to MC - something I made clear as a requirement in this case.
I am curious why you made going to MC as a requirement? The first session made sense because it provided clarity and took you out of limbo. You said she did not take any responsibility in this session, so wondering what's the point?
Uni. I know you're not going to see it this way but right now you are at the starting line and you are in a prime position to set some new precedences, from our mistakes. I lacked consistency and follow through with my behaviors words and actions in the last 8 months. You are going in a prime position to demonstrate that by your actions and not your words rigut now. I got to the point where there was so much communication issues, manipulation, and emotional instability, that I just said F@$! It! I'm not going to talk to wife at all unless it's about our son, and is only going to be done through email only, avoiding any emotional topics. Yeah I still talk to her but I don't go out on my way for it anymore at all. Not the best approach, but it gives her space and it gives me sanity.
I confirm today that W is depressed with herself and sich, and is looking on working on that with IC to find activities and purpose while single mom, seperated, and work on self esteem, and is conflicted with herself about the whole thing, according to a IC document I saw left out on table. She doesn't know if I broke her or she doesn't know she's broken, or what could be a combination of both? PTSD, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, BLAME AND GUILT SHIFTING. While it may have some validity, I didn't break her, and its not my job to fix her or her perceptions. But empathize with it. But it is my job to either change my behaviors or not demonstrate the bad ones at all.
I'm trying to say here she's probably second-guessing herself on whether it's her, or whether it's you? They will most likely say that they are only reacting to you which is partly true. You could even say the same thing that you are only reacting to her and the situation. So what do you do? Remove all reactivity and situations that may prompt such for now.
Like LH19 said. She thinks you are fragile, unreliable, independable, and emotionally insecure. PROVE HER WRONG! Like Nails also said. Make a decision to stay in the house.Communicate it calmly and even temoered, and let her figure out the rest for herself. Like AS also said. She knows that if she moves out it's going to put her in a difficult decision in court, as well as her own well being financially. She knows she needs time to stage all of this which is the whole purpose of the 6-month trial separation. She is staging to buy herself more time to get away from you. you are not stopping her and you are not controlling her and you are not manipulating her. She's free to do as she pleases but you are sticking to your guns and staying in the house and the MBR. You are protecting yourself your home your castle and your kids.
You have to get used to not engaging in any dramatic behavior. You have to get used to being comfortable with the silence between you and her. You have to get comfortable with any move she makes on incremental basis away from you and the marriage.
When you stand your ground on these things she's going to try to Gaslight you, make you feel guilty, and manipulate you into giving in to achieve her end goal. They won't realize that that they are doing this, and are being manipulative what they are. They feel like they are owed some kind of suffrage for putting up with you. What they want is to not only get away from you but either keep the house and the children, or push you out if it, or even like in my case, sell it to not only get away from you, but make a gain from it to start a new life. and they try to get you to agree to it on their terms. By all means pay for your kids and take care of them. Ill input more later W just pulled up in driveway.
