Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2852476 06/11/19 12:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
L
Lomac Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
Hi All,

I'm looking for some advice about how to handle my current sitch.

My sitch is M for 10 years, Together for 14, Two children aged 7 and 5. Currently physically separated for the last 3 months. I believe I'm dealing with a WAW. I can't confirm or deny that there is an EA/PA with an OM, though If I were to take a guess based on information I have I would have to assume there currently is no OM.

There was no begging/pleading/crying etc from me when she announced the end of the relationship. I have not been iniating any R talk with her, only about the kids. I have tried twice over the 3 months just asking about her day and she pretty much shut that down and will only talk to me about the kids. She has made no attempts in the 3 months to talk about the R. Even the discussions started by her about the kids is pretty minimal.

At the moment i'm focusing on dropping the rope/detaching/180s/GAL/Working on myself. 

My current problem is that my W is still living in the family home with the two children, she is also receiving the same financial support from me as when we were together. I get to see the kids once or twice in the evenings if the W decides to go out during the week then I have them every second weekend. The W has agreed to 50/50 custody and that is my main focus at the moment, securing the 50/50 custody.

I am living with a friend at the moment but want to move either back into the family home or find my own place. The W said she wants to get her own place and did even suggest I move back into the family home. Due to the difference between my W income and mine I can afford to pay/live in the family home, whereas she cannot, she would need to downscale to a smaller rental. Since her initial suggestion of finding her own place she has also floated the idea of selling the family home.

In the spirit of dropping the rope I emailed her a plan to allow me to move back into the family home which in turn allowed her to go find her own place. She has not responded to the email for 2 weeks now. I would have thought she would have jumped at the chance given it was her idea to begin with. She is not making any active signs that she is looking or preparing to move. She has simply told me she will tell me when she's ready to talk. All of our family photos are still up, She's not wearing her ring. 

What I would like to know is in the spirit of DB'ing, How agressively should I pursue the 50/50 custody and me moving back into the family house? Given she is not responding to my offer at the moment, If I continue to push this, is this considered pressuring her and is that a bad move?

Thank you in advance

lomac

Lomac #2852477 06/11/19 12:35 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2852478 06/11/19 12:49 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
L
Lomac Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
Thanks cadet

Lomac #2852492 06/11/19 04:37 AM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
Your W doesn't want to be with you anymore, ok, it happens. But she gets to dictate where you live? And you don't get an even split with your kids? If you aren't unfit then why shouldn't you get 50/50 custody? There's nothing wrong about taking care of yourself or your family.

I'm guessing you moved out to "give her space" in hopes of her coming around. But I bet you're going to regret that decision. Luckily you can make a better one now, just double check with a lawyer first and remember that custody is on the line with every interaction with your spouse.

Read about the GAL and do it. Good luck.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Lomac #2852496 06/11/19 05:58 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
Lomac - same response as ovrrnbw.

When you say your W agreed to 50/50, was this a legal written agreement? Otherwise contact a L. Many will even do a free initial consult.

I am in a similar sitch except I have 3 young kids and have not moved out. Zero communication for months about the marriage. If she BDs me soon (which I am expecting) I will not move out of the home. It can matter for custody purposes. So definitely talk to a L.

I’m sorry you are here. Can you share why you might be in this situation? It may help tailor some advice here from the vets.

Also I don’t want to jump to conclusions and I am a complete stranger. Your W sounds checked out. A lot like mine - read my sitch if you want. Months of her shutting down talking about anything other than the kids. It will help if you work on dropping that rope.

Your last question about pressure.... IMO you should be making decisions for yourself and your kids (custody). Forget about whether this adds pressure to reconcile.

I’m still working on my DB skills but I think you’ll know you’ve “got it” when you make decisions for yourself, and the impact to recon is secondary. Post here often and you’ll start to realize from the feedback how many decisions you think are innocent but are actually made to cater to your WAS. I still do it ALL the time.

ovrrnbw #2852497 06/11/19 05:59 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
L
Lomac Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Your W doesn't want to be with you anymore, ok, it happens. But she gets to dictate where you live? And you don't get an even split with your kids? If you aren't unfit then why shouldn't you get 50/50 custody? There's nothing wrong about taking care of yourself or your family.

I'm guessing you moved out to "give her space" in hopes of her coming around. But I bet you're going to regret that decision. Luckily you can make a better one now, just double check with a lawyer first and remember that custody is on the line with every interaction with your spouse.

Read about the GAL and do it. Good luck.


Thanks ovrrnbw,

I agree it's over and yes I did move out to "give her space" and regret the decision for not seeing what it was that she actually wanted. Where I live you have to be physically separated for 2 years before you are able to divorce, also abandoning the property or moving out does not forfeit my ownership in the house like in other countries.

I have "lawyered up", who funnily enough is pushing me to set some proper boundaries re the separation which I agree with. I am perfectly fit for 50/50 custody. I want to withdraw my financial support (obviously I will still pay child support which is required in my country), is there anything from a DBing perspective that is should consider when withdrawing financial support?

unchien #2852500 06/11/19 06:21 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
L
Lomac Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by unchien
Lomac - same response as ovrrnbw.

When you say your W agreed to 50/50, was this a legal written agreement? Otherwise contact a L. Many will even do a free initial consult.

I am in a similar sitch except I have 3 young kids and have not moved out. Zero communication for months about the marriage. If she BDs me soon (which I am expecting) I will not move out of the home. It can matter for custody purposes. So definitely talk to a L.

I’m sorry you are here. Can you share why you might be in this situation? It may help tailor some advice here from the vets.

Also I don’t want to jump to conclusions and I am a complete stranger. Your W sounds checked out. A lot like mine - read my sitch if you want. Months of her shutting down talking about anything other than the kids. It will help if you work on dropping that rope.

Your last question about pressure.... IMO you should be making decisions for yourself and your kids (custody). Forget about whether this adds pressure to reconcile.

I’m still working on my DB skills but I think you’ll know you’ve “got it” when you make decisions for yourself, and the impact to recon is secondary. Post here often and you’ll start to realize from the feedback how many decisions you think are innocent but are actually made to cater to your WAS. I still do it ALL the time.


Thanks unchien,

Only written in an email, legal advice has already said I will get it based on my sitch and country of origin. If she chooses to fight it, it will be very hard for her get anymore than 50/50. I don't think she would fight it knowing her but then again nothing is guaranteed.

Sure, so our R has been up and down over the last two years, we have both been unhappy about certain things. There has been no physical, verbal, emotional abuse nor has there been any affairs. Just a general lack of ability to resolve stuff properly, there are issues on both sides that have lead to this. I have however noticed that over the last two years the wife had been putting more effort into her physical appearance than the earlier days of our marriage this includes things like minor cosmetic surgery etc, W has also just turned 40 and one of the reasons why she is leaving is because shes lost herself, so not sure if there is some minor MLC thrown in there. Wife was always about the family prior and these recent events have surprised even me that she would be willing to walk away for her own happiness when I feel a lot of the issues are solvable but that's entirely her decision and I wont stop her.

Ok that's great to know that I should be able to move forward with 50/50 and removing financial support and hopefully getting the family home back, currently looking at options to buy her out of the house so the kids have some stability when they are with me.

Lomac #2852513 06/11/19 09:50 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L,

Sorry you are here man but it's best place to be. Yeah she's been planning this for a couple years, the surgerys, excercising working on her physical appearance is to attract another mate. Most likely she has her eye on someone right now. Great job not begging and pleading. That's rare.

Sounds like your W is really done right now but that can and most likely change. The hardest thing for the LBS to do is accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this other then time and space. Everything you do and I mean everything should be based on what's best for you and your children.

You know now moving out was the wrong thing to do so you really need to think about moving back in. Not surprised she didn't respond to your email. Right now she has it made, you're paying for everything and she has a babysitter when she wants to go out. Accept nothing less then 50/50.

Time to take your castle back and start mapping out the kind of life you want for you and your children. This most likely will take years to play itself out.

We're here to help!

LH19 #2852517 06/11/19 10:19 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
L
Lomac Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 5
Thanks LH19, that means a lot.

Yeah that was my feelings too re having it made, I'm going to start applying pressure to get the house situation and financial support sorted.

I knew ahead of time due to the work I had been putting in that the begging and pleading would have pushed her away further so I guess that's one positive from this, I have been working on the marriage for a while now but I long suspected she had possibly checked out and her heart really wasnt in it anymore and for whatever reason she was staying in the marriage.

Will let you know how I get on with balancing the scales.

Lomac #2852533 06/11/19 12:56 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Lomac, you are acting like a beta male. Have to become an ALPHA male. The law is on your side in this as you have as much right to be there as she does. Go back home. Take back the MBR. She is going to complain, cry, yell, scream, threaten, plead, and call you every name in the book. Listen and validate, but remain resolved and firm.

Lomac, here is the thing. WAWs do not need their own place to find themselves or work on the marriage. They need their own place to sleep with other guys. You may not think there is an OM, but a monkey doesn't jump from the branch they are on until they've identified another branch that can support them.

Also, your beta male behavior has made you unattractive. You did well in not begging/pleading/crying, but then leaving the house was beta. Women do not respect beta males. And they aren't attracted to males they do not respect. This is about taking back respect. Not through WORDS (the email was beta, dude, no more weak stuff). THROUGH DEEDS. YOU ACT, NOT TALK. You didn't say the wrong things, but you DID the wrong things.

So 180 on that. Move back in. Do not ask her, just do it.

As far as 50/50 custody, that isn't up to her. The courts are much more friendly to 50/50 custody today than they were 20-30 years ago. She'd have to show a reason that she should have more custody.

The last thing I will advise you is to go talk to a lawyer. You need to know what your legal options are. I know in my sitch my consulting a lawyer made my W take notice that a) I wasn't going to go quietly in the night and b) that stuff was about to get serious.

Lomac, have you read DR? If not, read it. Also, look into a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy. I am seeing some serious nice guy tendencies here.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard