Thank you. And yes, I do still see him in there sometimes - under all that fog. There are moments, right from the start of our situation and very recently - where I see the good man I know him to be underneath there and we've had a moment of connection. I don't read too much into that. It's possible for him to be a good, decent, kind man, and for him still to decide that marriage to me is not what he wants. At least in that case I hope we'd be able to parent with some kindness towards each other. Apart from those small moments - which are extremely painful to experience, more so than the usual lack of them - he isn't who I know him to be. I think the most loving thing right now is to take good care of myself and my kids and wish him well from afar.
Something I've learned I want to note here: he's depressed about a lot of things that aren't anything to do with me, and often vents about things I consider to be a normal part of adult life and the parenting of children. It's only since I've started trying to validate that, that I've noticed how often in our marriage I made his problems and feelings into my problems to fix, felt criticised or blamed and got defensive. I was thinking about recent text exchange about Eldest, who apparently had left the kitchen in a mess. In the past I'd have responded with something like, 'well what do you expect me to do about it? I'm working - you deal with it,' or 'it's not my fault he doesn't clean up after himself' or something like that. I don't think I saw how invalidating and unsupportive that was, or how much of the burden of his moods and irritations I was eagerly taking on myself, resenting taking on myself, or wasting energy defending myself against. Instead, I just said something like, 'sounds like you had a hard morning,' then left it at that. What Eldest does or doesn't do while his father is in charge isn't my problem or isn't for me to deal with. I consider it to be a minor matter. That felt like a real 180 for me. I don't care whether H notices it or not - that's not the point - I notice it in myself and I feel better and more peaceful for it and it is a lesson I want to keep and take into other relationships. Just because someone lays a problem at my feet, I don't need to pick it up.
Please start a new thread and link both threads together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I like that about not picking up other people's problems, I suppose that's what validation is about. It's about accepting and understanding someone else's feelings without getting dragged into the middle of it. That does sound painful seeing flashes of the old him occasionally, because it must get your hopes up a bit maybe?
