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I hope you feel better today Alison. TBH I would have let my kids forage for their own dinner under those circumstances! That sounds like a positive interaction and like your head is in a good place, long may it continue x

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I do feel much better. Don't know what it was - just one of those things, I suppose. I drank lots of water and slept in the afternoon and had a long sleep last night and feel totally normal today. Youngest was saying she was a bit under the weather, but I suspect she was just feeling a bit Monday-morning ish and wanted the day off school (she ate well and her temperature and colour was fine) so I took her in anyway!

Today I am catching up on work, taking the dog to the vet, seeing some friends this evening and planning a shopping trip with Eldest. All his clothes are suddenly - in the course of the last fortnight - too small. We both need a few extra things for going on holiday. I hope we can drive to the city and make a day of it this weekend.

H is back at work today, first day in his new job. I texted him 'good luck from us' in the morning, which is probably bad DBing but I think he was anxious, and he was kind to me yesterday when he was ill, and I wanted to show friendship. Me basically treating him like an unwelcome stranger and being very cold is not sustainable for healthy coparenting, though I don't want to let my guard down either. I think I've got 'walls three feet thick and cold as ice' sort of detachment nearly perfected, but 'loving detachment' is a bit harder to find. I want to try to treat him like a friendly distant relative who I wish well, but don't particularly want to get closer to. We'll see.

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Doing good Alison , not much to add but I think the good luck was fine , the from us toned it down anyway I think

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A sad day today. H is taking Eldest and Youngest to see his parents this weekend. It's so they can give Youngest his birthday presents, and also celebrate my FILs birthday. It brings back memories of when I first had her, and we went to FIL's birthday garden party to show off the baby and celebrate his birthday just a day or two after I got out of the hospital. It was a happy time. I'm not close to my own parents - for many very good reasons (they were abusive and I spent part of my childhood in care) and over the years as they learned more about me and my own background I felt them stepping into that parental role. I can't say we were ever really super close, but they included me in things for their own children, and that meant a lot to me. I think I imagined that in the event of problems in our marriage, they'd want to reach out the hand of support to both of us - without judging - but that hasn't happened. I've had no contact from anyone at all for months - not to ask me how I am, not to ask how Eldest was in the weeks when H was refusing to see him - nothing. It makes me really sad.

I understand the logic of this of course. He's their son and I am not. He stayed with them for a couple of weeks while he was still very angry and hurt at being thrown out of the house, and I don't know this for sure, but I can imagine that he's told them a very slanted version of events in our marriage. I'd expect that. And he has a perfect right to speak to whoever he wants and say whatever he wants. He's much more isolated than I am - except for his family - so it is good he has their support. I would just have hoped that as mature and experienced people, and after knowing me for so many years, they'd have realised he was telling only one side of the story and that I might have had very very good reasons for being so desperate to have him out of the house. That of course they would want to support him and take care of him, but they'd also have it in their hearts to reach out to me and express some kind of concern or interest. That hasn't happened.

I don't really expect anything from the any more. It's been seven months. I have no idea what H has said or not said - that's just speculation on my part. But I do feel sad today that there's going to be a happy family event and I'm not included any more. I didn't expect to be, and of course it's much better that the kids have those continuing relationships and it's good he is taking it on himself to facilitate that. But I am sad.

I can't help but wondering if we do ever R - and I know that is increasingly unlikely and I am not even sure that is what I want any more - that things between me and the wider family will never be the same again. I won't be able to forget how disposable I was to them, and that is going to colour any interaction I have with them going forward.

Nothing for me to do. I guess I don't really need any advice because I know the right thing to do is to wave my kids off at the door, wish them a good day, then go and do something nice for myself in the free time. I've already arranged that. H isn't really doing anything wrong, and neither, really, are my in-laws. It's just sad.

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It must be very hard for you . The good news is that you have a sound grip on the realities of the situation. No fog for you Alison. Hope you enjoy your fun thingy . I do want to hear that you are doing something off the wall soon

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These are some of the hardest days to navigate.

The loss (or felt-loss) of my W's family is really hitting hard. In my case it is not total and complete loss, as my SIL and BIL are still adamant about me coming over and seeing my nephews (who I love very much), but the logistics of doing that while W is there every weekend (she is their aunt, basically 2nd mom) is unfeasible at the moment. (W will not look at or talk to me at all right now, which is difficult at best when the nephews start asking questions as to why this is the case).

It [censored] - I miss seeing them very much and it makes me sad, I totally get where you are coming from, Alison. No amount of GAL or 180s or PMA will change that.

On the other hand, I try to think of things this way. My W has withdrawn so much from who she was, away from everyone and everything, that I hardly recognize who she is anymore. She has no one else she feels comfortable talking to or spending time with other than her S and nephews right now.

I try to see it from her perspective - and remember that she needs them now, really. More than anything. For me to try and interrupt that processing or healing for her (if it happens) is selfish on my part, so I have taken the step of pulling back and letting her have that part of her life so she can hopefully regain her identity.

It is an extraordinarily hard thing to do, I can relate to your position and it is totally natural and ok to feel sad. But keep focusing on you, and try to think of the good things you have in your day to day life.

Stay strong smile

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Thanks both.

IronWill - that's a really useful way to reframe it. I don't have close ties with my family, but I do have some really good friends I can confide in and be truthful to - both about the way H has treated me, and my own shortcomings. I consider it so valuable to have people that I can be honest with about my own imperfections - to be vulnerable about my flaws - and feel support but not judgement or enabling. H isn't really close to his family - in that while I am speculating he's told them some unpleasant things about me (given their radio silence) I doubt he's confiding in them regularly or talking to them about his own feelings and thoughts. I could be wrong - but if he's the man I lived with - then there's nobody in his life who he had that type of relationship with.

In any case, he's really not done anything wrong at all. He's allowed to speak to anyone about his experience of being married to me and process it in whatever way he wishes. That might involve a lot of blame and ranting - I wouldn't be surprised - and painting himself as the victim. It might not. The fact is, I don't know. I'd actually be overcome with hope if I felt like he'd been capable of introducing some honest self-reflection in at least one of his relationships, to be honest - though I don't have any reason to presume that is the case.

The fact is also that while I'd hoped for an expression of care and support from them, that didn't happen and I am sad about it. It isn't wrong that I'm sad. Disappointed, I suppose - that fifteen years of knowing me and counting me (I thought) as part of their family didn't really count for much when it came down to it. I feel like the warmth I had from them in times past was fake and conditional, and anything that comes from them towards me in the future isn't anything I can trust or enjoy. I don't trust people very easily. I don't let people get close to me very easily at all. I'd hoped they counted me as family too and I see that while they might have acted that way in the past, it wasn't real. I might feel differently as time passes. But I have my own friends and connections and my life isn't devoid of people who know the best and worst of me and value my presence in their lives and that's what I am trying to hold on to today.

I guess I feel a bit judged. And again - I've no idea what - if anything - he's said to them. But their silence feels to me like a real judgement - a 'choosing of a side' and that feels unjust. I remember the first few weeks we were separated and I was crying myself to sleep every night, waking up and dragging myself in to work and through the things the kids needed, crying on and off all day, and barely functioning. I lost a lot of weight. I was really really struggling. If one of my PIL had sent me a text letting me know they were thinking of me, I think it would have made a tiny bit of difference to me. The fact that they didn't really hurts. And yes, I feel judged. If they knew the half of what he's said and done to me and the way he's treated Eldest I hope they'd understand why I didn't want to live with him anymore. I know airing the dirty laundry is the worst possible idea - no matter what outcome I want - and my role here is to act with a bit of dignity. But I do feel unfairly judged and that's hard today too.

I suppose I just have to accept the situation, and my own feelings about it, and do the healthy and kind thing with the situation as it presents. I will wish my kids well and encourage them to have a good day with their family. I will tell H to take all the time he needs and not to hurry them back on my account. I'll make sure I spend some time with people who love me while they're away.

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That sounds really rough, Alison. No part of these situations is ever easy, and coping with them is at times a herculean task.

You know your truth, you know whether the interactions between you and your in-laws was genuine. From what you've written it sounds like you had a good R with them, if it were me I would keep that history for myself as good memories and not rewrite it.

It may be that your in-laws are uncomfortable with the situation, it may be that they are empathizing with H but feel awkward contradicting him, or it may be that they simply do not know what to say or do. It could be any of a million possibilities. Its human nature to want to know, but maybe in this case it's better for you not to know.

Such a hard thing to do. Acceptance is not easy but continually struggling against the flow usually only leads to more pain. That's a hard lesson I've learned in my sit, anyway.

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Originally Posted by AlisonUK
in that while I am speculating he's told them some unpleasant things about me (given their radio silence) I doubt he's confiding in them regularly or talking to them about his own feelings and thoughts. I could be wrong - but if he's the man I lived with - then there's nobody in his life who he had that type of relationship with.

In any case, he's really not done anything wrong at all. He's allowed to speak to anyone about his experience of being married to me and process it in whatever way he wishes. That might involve a lot of blame and ranting - I wouldn't be surprised - and painting himself as the victim. It might not. The fact is, I don't know.

The fact is also that while I'd hoped for an expression of care and support from them, that didn't happen and I am sad about it. It isn't wrong that I'm sad. Disappointed, I suppose - that fifteen years of knowing me and counting me (I thought) as part of their family didn't really count for much when it came down to it. I feel like the warmth I had from them in times past was fake and conditional, and anything that comes from them towards me in the future isn't anything I can trust or enjoy. I don't trust people very easily. I don't let people get close to me very easily at all.

I guess I feel a bit judged. And again - I've no idea what - if anything - he's said to them. But their silence feels to me like a real judgement - a 'choosing of a side' and that feels unjust.

I do feel unfairly judged and that's hard today too.

I suppose I just have to accept the situation, and my own feelings about it[[quote][quote]


Aww, love. I'm so sorry about your pain. It's very hard with in-laws. I bolded some things you wrote to remind you that you are speculating and these are your feelings. You are absolutely 100 percent entitled to feel however you feel, remember at the same time you just don't know.

Since you find it hard to trust, are you falling back on old coping mechanisms? They aren't speaking to you - so you feel judged. I would guess that this has more to do with them not knowing what to say or if they should say anything at this point.

If you are right and they are judging you, remember that no good judge only hears one side. It can feel very unfair when people do that - because it is unfair.

I love how you are diving deep into what you feel and why you feel it. I'm not a counselor, just have been to many - my best therapist taught me to explore my thoughts around those feelings. Most of the time, even if the feeling didn't change, I had a better understanding and acceptance of those feelings because I could see the root cause.

Just remember - what other people think of you is none of your business. You are standing. It takes courage, more patience than we ever knew we had and more strength then we ever wanted to use. But here you are, continuously working toward a better life for you and your family. Stand confident in that today. Big hugs.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Thanks IronWill and 97Hope. A bumpy day yesterday, but your posts and insights and suggestions and a session with my IC where we explored the old coping mechanisms and the childhood stuff about family rejection really helped. I feel a bit emotionally hung-over today - tired and vulnerable but okay.

I'm in two minds today. One is that I'm grateful, in a strange way, for all this triggering of old childhood stuff, because I was a very unhealthy and damaged adult, relying on my H to do my emotional functioning for me, and now I am forced to look at some very old stuff and seek some healing. I've never done that seriously before - never had to - and it is so painful and lonely that I know for sure I wouldn't have bothered if the sticking-plaster of a marriage and another person would have helped me avoid it. It is necessary work and I think I will come out the other end a more mature and healthy person.

The other part of me is really fed up that this old childhood stuff keeps surfacing. I am in my mid 30s and you'd think I could have left behind my unpleasant childhood experiences and toxic parenting behind by now. I have healthy children and a successful career. I can take care of myself and my kids financially, and I have good friends. So to have to go to therapy and have another cry over childhood rejections and the way more minor rejections in adulthood trigger that for me makes me feel stuck, and like I am making no progress.

I am trying to hold my two minds together today and just rest and wait it out.

I have a school thing this afternoon where I will be seeing H. It is appropriate we attend together for the benefit of Youngest. I am glad he wants to go and be involved - I know many WHs here aren't making that effort. We've had a few friendly interactions recently, and I doubt very much he'll be anything other than civil to me in public. But I also know he's extremely paranoid (or he was, the last time we spoke about it) as to what, if anything, I've told people about his behaviour. That paranoia makes him lash out unpleasantly. I'm taking my own car - not travelling with him - so I doubt there will be problems, but I do have concerns about what his attitude might be like.

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