Alison: your H is reminding me sooooo much of yours right now. Just plain miserable and confused and unable to engage in an R like an adult. And NOTHING we do is ever good enough, because it's nothing to do with what we do anyway, it's all about their inner pain. You're dealing with it well, keep up those boundaries.
"The key to fighting for your M is to stop fighting for your M"
Read that thread again last night and it is on point. Alison, I think Ginger is right. Going dark will probably be a huge relief for you and a kindness for your H. Give him something else to be miserable about. He will continue to lay it at your door as long as you allow it. That's what I meant about validating sometimes not working long term. It gets to a point to where they start grasping at ANYTHING to lay at your feet.
He will no doubt accuse you of x, y & z when you go dark, but at this point you are being blamed for the reason the sky is blue and the grass green, so you can just not accept it and take some time to breathe.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Oh yes, dark is definitely the plan. He has nothing at all to offer that I need now we've come to some reasonable financial arrangement. If he's not reliable on that, I will formalise a divorce, but so long as he's regular about his responsibilities towards the house and his children, then that's fine.
Lots of GAL today. And all set for the working week in my not-up-to-scratch house with my unwashed fruit in the bowl and my sofa, where the leather is too dry. I feel happy and cosy and looking forward to getting stuck into my work tomorrow with some more vigour and direction.
Alison, I am very worried about you. I think you should be very afraid of your H and you are not. He is extremely abusive, and I've seen too many men like him that started out with verbal and emotional abuse and later escalated to physical abuse. He is a loose cannon and one of these days he will explode and someone is going to get hurt, either you or one of the kids. Just be very careful. I agree with Ginger, no more walks or talks, no more having him over. You need to establish some hard boundaries to keep you and the kids safe. You keep saying you will, but then a few days later you'll post that he came over for dinner and such. It really needs to stop unless and until he gets some in-depth counseling and (hopefully) medication.
I get you, yes. And yes, I did agree to have this walk with him - out in public and with my own car at the ready - because I wanted to get some forward motion on financial separation. That was achieved. My mistake was to then basically enable him to duck out of the school event, which he's uncomfortable about because of his paranoia, and let him get his feet under the table at my house. I let my guard down because we'd had a fairly amicable conversation, and because I felt pity for him. Given the way it ended up, and given that my sense of self preservation is greater than my pity, that won't be happening again. He doesn't have a key to my house and his levels of comfort at school events aren't my concern. He can overcome it, or arrange a child minder to pick up Youngest on the days he is responsible for. I am continuing with NC and GAL and feeling very steady about it. If he doesn't stick to what he has agreed regarding finances, I won't contact him about that, but just go through a solicitor to buy him out of the house and go through our government agency for child support costs. That is the plan and I am - and have been (only a few days, I know, but all the same) sticking to it. I am open for more suggestions as to how to go forward, but I think what is most useful to me now is advice about GAL and how to best support my children, as I don't plan to have any interactions with him now.
