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I am trying to go into this with no expectations, but what I expect is more evasions, or some grudging capitulation to whatever it is he imagines I want, with the extra resentment thrown in. I'm not interested in that.

I could be wrong though. We had a good - brief - conversation today about his future working hours, and the minor skirmish with Eldest last night and how we'd both want to handle that a little differently in future. He wasn't happy with the consequence I gave (too lenient) and I said I thought he had a point, but I struggle to support him in giving consequences when he sits back and waits for me to do it, then tells me he's unhappy with my decision afterwards without telling me what exactly he wanted to be different. It was very calm and ended up with us both meeting in the middle and deciding on a better approach for next time. That felt like very peaceful and collaborative co-parenting around a major hot-button topic for us - even though the incident itself was pretty minor - so perhaps there is movement in a better direction for us as parents, if not us as a couple.

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Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I think that's a good idea and something I was considering myself. Something need to change, and I have the power to change that. I am going to hear him out on Friday - partly because he did speak to me very respectfully yesterday, and partly because, I think, me giving him an ultimatum a couple of weeks ago really upset and angered him (and was a boneheaded move on my part) and we're still dealing with the hangover of that. The ultimatum was the wrong way of going about it, but the spirit behind it - I am done with your cake-eating, poop or get off the pot - is one that I stand by and want to put into action by healthier means. I will listen on Friday, and then we will either be going to therapy or I will be separating finances and going completely dark. He knows that full well. Whether he believes it or not is another issue, but I believe it.


Sounds like a great plan Alison, good luck!


Last edited by AnotherStander; 06/12/19 04:09 PM.

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Alison, you sound so grounded and solid and confident, it’s really great to read and it’s inspiring. You sound more and more detached, and I’m taking notes over here! I look forward to hearing how your walk goes. I think it’s super smart of you to drive yourself there separately, and calmly excuse yourself if it goes sideways. Looking forward to your update!

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I feel more detached. I know giving an ultimatum the way I did was both undignified and manipulative and ineffective. I think I needed to hear myself say it more than he needed to hear it from me. It isn't a course of action I recommend and I doubt it brought us one inch closer to R, but it did bring me much much more clarity on what was on offer from him and what wasn't, and how dysfunctional and unacceptable the cake-eating situation had become. I wish there'd been a healthier way for me to achieve that for myself. But it is what it is.

Last edited by AlisonUK; 06/12/19 04:21 PM.
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You didn't ask for this. It was thrust upon you. You are doing your very best. It is what it is because of things set into motion long before BD. It's good to see you focus on what YOU need to do and get clarity. I'm sorry it was painful getting there. I don't think any of us handle the cake-eating well. We do our best. There are many cogs in the wheel, but from what I've been reading of your sitch, you have always done what you believed to be the best for everyone.

I hope you are able to find peace during these upcoming talks. hugs!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

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Unfortunately, I do not think that this is how people come back together and R. Your belief that it is now summer, that he has had enough time, and that perhaps he owes you an explanation, does not change the reality. The R talks also go against the general advice here. Look, I get it -- you are hurt, you want clarity and you want to know what direction to move in. Limbo SVCKS! ...

The thing is tho, he has already told you --with his actions and words over time -- that he is not in this with you. He left you and he treats you poorly. You already know that. You deserve someone that is willing to change and commit to you. Stop taking his table scraps and thinking by talking more they will become the full course meal. You gotta value yourself more than taking his crumbs, sister.

The only way to get him back is to turn the other cheek and let him go. If he were recommitting to you, remorseful and willing to do anything to save this M, you would already know. I'm sorry to say that, but you would. There would be no reason so set up a time to talk about it. Because HE would be apologizing, pursuing you and trying all on his own. That is what happens when men come back to their Ws and you will know when it is happening! You cannot force him with your timeline. Often men won't do that until they think they have lost you. That was certainly the case in my sitch. My advice to you -- whatever that is worth -- would be to cancel this meeting, and wake up every morning and read Sandi's rules. Then start actually following them. I do not see in your posts (or in Dilly's sitch) where you have given the DB philosophy a true and real shot. I see you both just being friendly and validating one another ....

Maybe down the road he will change, show you someone that has changed and come back and become a decent man that can treat you right. Or maybe he wont. In the mean time, your energy can be taken away from mind reading and waiting, or worse trying to have more R talks, and can be better served with GAL, self-care, and being a great mom and woman! If he doesn't want a W like that, then HIS LOSS! There are plenty of good men that do.

Sorry for the 2by4s, I just don't see how validating and cheering you on is actually helping you move forward. Let him go to get him back and if he doesn't, you wont want him anyways. So simple yet so true, but I never said it was easy to do!

Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 06/12/19 06:33 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thanks Blu. I get a lot of truth about what you're saying. I've made a lot of mistakes and I haven't DB'd perfectly, and not at all some weeks. All that is true. I haven't asked for an R talk, I've asked for him to collaborate on separating our finances. He wants to go to therapy and I'm reluctant. He's asked to talk, and because he was respectful, I am willing to hear him out, see if he's willing to collaborate like an adult, and, if not, as I've said, the plan is to separate finances legally (which will be more expensive without his collaboration, but perfectly possible) and go dark. I don't want to force him to do anything. The ultimatum was an attempt at that, and was misguided and a really bad idea. This is me going ahead, and if he wants to come along, great, and if not, I will go and do what I was going to do anyway and leave him behind. I suspect the latter is much more likely than the former because - like you say - he left me and treated me poorly - but it will be an end to the standing and limbo from my end of things.

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Thanks for the proxy 2x4 Blu smile I'm going to take it on board.
I get you, Alison, it seems like you've got the strength to be ok with or without him, and limbo is a horrible place to be and you've had enough of being there. I feel like the ultimatum was you getting enough rejection to detach a bit but you still sound like you just want to move forward now.

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Alison you have been open and honest and they are great qualities. Going through this is so hard , especially when you are putting in so much effort with control and restraint. The detachment is the hardest thing in the world but it will come if your H continues to treat you badly and neglect you .

How are you going to focus on yourself and away from H ? Get on the GAL with your friends, family and kids . A stand up comedy show ? A day out at the races ? Theme park ? I feel you deserve better and maybe if H sees you being the strong, fun loving girl who people love to be around and is soaring in life he may be drawn to you . I expect it won’t happen overnight and will be months at least if it is going to happen , but what is the alternative? You can do it , be a success story

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Originally Posted by BluWave

The thing is tho, he has already told you --with his actions and words over time -- that he is not in this with you. He left you and he treats you poorly. You already know that. You deserve someone that is willing to change and commit to you. Stop taking his table scraps and thinking by talking more they will become the full course meal. You gotta value yourself more than taking his crumbs, sister.

The only way to get him back is to turn the other cheek and let him go. If he were recommitting to you, remorseful and willing to do anything to save this M, you would already know. I'm sorry to say that, but you would. There would be no reason so set up a time to talk about it. Because HE would be apologizing, pursuing you and trying all on his own. That is what happens when men come back to their Ws and you will know when it is happening! You cannot force him with your timeline. Often men won't do that until they think they have lost you.
Blu



I am gonna go ahead and count this one for myself as well. Wow. This is SO true and I felt it like a punch to the gut when I read it. None of the mind reading/word dissecting/ or microscopic shifts are meaningful at all. If they were trying to come back, we’d know it. I’m suddenly reminded of the saying “he’s just not that into you” as it applies to women who make 1 billion excuses for when a guy doesn’t call after a few dates. UGH. I feel somewhat liberated and also quite ill. This was exactly what I needed at this point. Thank you Blu!

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