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Originally Posted by AlisonUK


I'm in two minds today. One is that I'm grateful, in a strange way, for all this triggering of old childhood stuff, because I was a very unhealthy and damaged adult, relying on my H to do my emotional functioning for me, and now I am forced to look at some very old stuff and seek some healing. I've never done that seriously before - never had to - and it is so painful and lonely that I know for sure I wouldn't have bothered if the sticking-plaster of a marriage and another person would have helped me avoid it. It is necessary work and I think I will come out the other end a more mature and healthy person.


I am in very much the same boat as you, Alison.

I would caution you the same thing I caution myself - I realize that I have these issues, but I force myself not to be consumed by them. After all, they are a part of who you are, and without them you would not be the same person.

A lot of my searching has been existentialist or metaphysical, and some may consider it hogwash. But personally I think it is necessary to allow these emotions to play out, let them simmer for a minute or two, before realizing that you do not have to live within them forever. The emotion or the feeling is only a small part of who you are and exists for only a fraction of your day. It is not who you are entirely, and when the initial wave of it passes, you have the choice to accept that it happened, and continue on with your day.

Sounds easy, right? But it has taken me 46 years to figure this out lol!

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The other part of me is really fed up that this old childhood stuff keeps surfacing. I am in my mid 30s and you'd think I could have left behind my unpleasant childhood experiences and toxic parenting behind by now. I have healthy children and a successful career. I can take care of myself and my kids financially, and I have good friends. So to have to go to therapy and have another cry over childhood rejections and the way more minor rejections in adulthood trigger that for me makes me feel stuck, and like I am making no progress.


I'm in my mid 40s, I've been processing for the past 30 years. Go ahead and have the cry. Feel what it is. It takes as long as it takes, there's no shame in that - that is what IC is for. smile

Standing isn't easy. But it is you who has the control. You have the choice of how far you want to go, how long you want to wait. Never forget that

Stay strong smile

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I read somewhere that the childhood stuff and previous trauma doesn't go away or lessen over the years, if you don't deal with it everything gets bigger and scarier and crashes over you. I think this has happened to our WASes and the walking away is not being able to cope with it and being too scared to address it. In your case Alison you are being brave enough to deal with it and heal from it, and yes it's tough but it'll be worth it. And there are days when you just don't want to face it and want to just get on with your life without this stuff to work through, that is only natural.

I'm sorry about how you're feeling about your inlaws. It seems like they genuinely did see you as part of the family and who only knows what they feel now. Probably pure awkwardness and confusion, I would think if they're decent people. And an unwillingness to get involved in any way. I hope you manage to look after yourself in a healthy way and get past the family time without you xx

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Alison,

I have been away from the boards and am just catching up. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I can relate to your feelings of loss in regards to your in-laws. When all of this began for me it was one of the first things that came to mind as they have been part of my family for almost 28 years. In my mind I was hoping for a phone call from a SIL, but it didn't happen. I'm not even sure how much they know. My H just told his parents about a week ago, but I'm sure they spread the word. My MIL reached out to me, but no mention of our situation, just an invite to visit when I am in town later this month. Two of my SILs have contacted me, but just about day to day stuff, no mention of my H or separation.

I agree with IW, maybe they just feel uncomfortable. Maybe they just don't know what to say or do. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. Who knows what our spouses tell others, if anything at all. I have yet to tell my own sisters, but my parent know so I guess I'm hoping they will spread the word as it is too painful to say out loud at this point.

I understand your frustration with the repeated surfacing of your childhood stuff, but look how far you've come in life despite it all. You are building a life of stability for your children. Look at how strong you are. That's progress!

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I also am really hurt that my in-laws haven't reached out to me. Here I have been crying every day (W and in-laws don't know that), and they haven't even asked if I am alright. While I know that blood is thicker than water, it really hurts to think that people that have been such a big part of my life wouldn't reach out at all. I bet this is a very common experience.


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Thanks everyone. I can't say I am feeling great today, but your kind words and empathy and the understanding from people who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing is very comforting.

The school thing with H was okay. He was very friendly and seemed tense but focussed on Youngest, which was just as it should be. We sat together and had a little chit chat about Youngest's performance. He told me he was feeling very down at the moment, and I said I hoped he had a relaxing weekend as it had been a tough few months for him, and left it at that.

Today he came to pick up the kids. I had them ready and everyone was in good spirits. Youngest wanted to know why I wasn't going, and I said it was a party for FIL and him and it was a bit too long to leave the puppy on his own. H piped up and said, 'well, we could all go and take the puppy with us,' which I wasn't very happy about. Perhaps he meant that out of kindness and wanting to ease the conversation, and perhaps I should have been more honest and direct with Youngest in that moment, but I couldn't think of how to do it without sounding blaming (well, actually I'm not invited as your dad's family has been ignoring me for months,' is true and NOT the right thing to say) so I felt caught on the back foot. I don't suppose it was H's intention to make Youngest think I could have gone, but was choosing not to, but I hope Youngest forgets all about it and just has a nice time.

It's been hard - I can understand the fact that the ILs might feel awkward or confused, and I can also bear in mind I am bringing a lot of my own childhood stuff into this. But it's also true that when I've texted (just twice in six months) to say thank you for bringing the kids back, or thanks for a present they gave to Eldest, those texts haven't been responded to at all. I have no idea what they think of me, but I do know their family culture - one of my SILs had a long term partner who she sadly ended the relationship with. It was all fairly amicable and he was a good man who hadn't mistreated her. And within 5 hours of her telling her mother she'd split up with him, all photographs of him were removed from the family photograph wall and his name was never ever mentioned again. It's like he never existed. How they respond to this is up to them, and how I respond to that is up to me. I am determined to be friendly but that family culture has never sat right with me and I don't want to replicate it for my own children or to communicate to them that's the normal and right way to behave when family structures change.

I'm off out this afternoon anyway to see some friends. I will have a good time and not dwell on this.

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Well, a strange couple of days.

H has been in touch A LOT. Wanting to have R talks. I haven't shut him down, but I haven't really spoken much either. Just listened and said versions of 'this is a lot to process. I don't know what I think yet,' which also happens to be totally true. He's speaking differently - less about me and my faults, more about him and his shortcomings. He says it's coming from his therapy - but he can only have had 2-3 sessions unless he started much earlier than he said (which might be true).

He is dead set on wanting to R. Says it will take lots of time. Is apologetic. Isn't exactly begging but my ego doesn't need that. Only honesty from him.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel unbelievably sad. I just don't think I have it in me to trust him again. I know that people can change - I have, and will continue to do so - but the memories of how he's treated me are still very fresh. He said his actions needed to count more than his words. I appreciate him acknowledging that. I'm not really letting him near me so he's no opportunity to show me a change in his actions though.

I see him being involved and more loving and patient towards Youngest, and him making much more effort with Eldest. But I've seen that before, and he's been unable to sustain it. Also - he needs to be a good father whether or not he's married to me. A good father that I can learn to respect is not the same thing as a good husband I can feel safe and loving with.

I really didn't say much at all. But for the past couple of days I've been very depressed, weepy, unmotivated with my work and not wanting to see my friends. I'm not sure why. He was being very reasonable and calm and open and it seemed like it was my old husband there in front of me again. And at the same time, I just didn't believe a word of it. I know we talk about WHs being in a fog, and being stolen my aliens. I've come to wonder if the nice version of him was the fog, and the horrible version he became in the last couple of years was just his real self showing through, and all he is showing me now the mask again.

I don't have an arrangement to see him or speak to him again - I said I wanted space to think and process.He hasn't asked me to do or say anything. He says he is carrying on with therapy whatever happens, but the offer of MC is still on the table. I suspect some action needs to be taken by me - either to open the door a tiny crack or to shut this down for good. I really really resent having to make that decision just as I'd got myself onto even ground.

I am not sure I will ever be the same person again and we will never be able to go back and have the same marriage again. I am never again going to be innocent of what he is capable of. And I am not sure I can go forward knowing what I know about his character and his capabilities. He could of course say the same about me I suppose. And I know there are many on here who have forgiven PAs and regained trust. Forgiven all kinds of poor treatment, and come out with stronger marriages for it. I have no idea what the next best thing to do is.

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Alison - Give it time. I hear from your post a sense of feeling pressured. You do not need to be on your H's timeline.

He just started IC and might be feeling that initial thrill of making a lot of progress. I know from my own experience that IC has its ups and downs, and it is hard to stay consistent over the long-term. It's easy to say "I need to show you through actions". Great... those are still just words. Perhaps it will stick, perhaps it will not. If he really wants it to work, he will be patient and continue to make an effort. He will be okay with you needing time and space to sort things out.

You also mentioned that you haven't given him opportunities to show you progress through his actions, but then you spelled out exactly what he can do: Demonstrate first that he is a good father.

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Hey Alison - sorry to hear that you are struggling. This cannot have been easy for you, and I think you are more than allowed to have your fair share of emotions and feelings about what you are going through.

You are also allowed to take as much time as you need, I agree with U. This is a period of turmoil and upheaval and great change. If your H shows that he is committed to changing and stays in IC, that's great for him. But you are in charge here of if, how, or when you proceed.

Forgive yourself - that's one of the things I am also learning how to do. It's ok to feel these things. If he is truly serious about what he is doing, then he will give you the time and space to figure it out, and it will be his turn to wait.

Stay strong smile

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Thanks to both of you. I really appreciate it.

I don't know why I am so sad. He said all the right things and is giving me space and I do see him making changes in the way he interacts with our children. He acknowledged his part in things fully and he says he is committed to sorting that stuff out for himself no matter what I decide. They weren't long conversations and I didn't feel pressured or manipulated. You'd think I'd be ecstatic. Or angry. But I just feel so so so so sad. It was easier just to shut him out, go dark and move forward as well as I could when he was behaving like an utter (to borrow a phrase from our friend 97Hope) Dingle Hopper. Today and for the past couple of days I feel totally crushed by grief.

I'm just going to take it easy for the rest of the week. Nothing day to day needs to change and I'm not in a state to make any kind of decision right now.

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Alison - I'm sure you are wishing he had made these changes a long time ago. But he didn't, and you had to start with your own healing process. Think about the lighthouse story - we start moving on, walking our own path, but shine the light back from time to time for our partner. It is really hard to do this -- to start healing emotionally, but also leave open the possibility of change. I think it is completely understandable when we see signs of change in our partner to have a whole range of complex emotions.

I think it's good to sit with your sadness. I am guessing with some time and space you will sort out your feelings.

If you were ecstatic, I would be more worried and would advise you proceed cautiously.

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