Hello everyone, I’m new to the site and could use some guidance with my situation. It’s going to be a long post lol. I’m 30 and she’s 32. Married 6 years, together 9. No kids together (we both have kids from previous relationships). BD 6/2018, she moved out 9/2018. No OM that I know of. In 10/2018-11/2018 we tried talking and going out again but she went cold on me and said she was too angry at me and just couldn’t be with me ever again. In this time I was needy and most likely chased her away. In 11/2018 I filed for divorce and in end of 12/2018 it was finalized. No contact with each other since 11/2018 (other then a few divorce topics in 12/2018). In 12/2018 after divorce was finalized she texted me saying she was sorry and would only remember the good times of our marriage and she felt sad that she gave up etc etc. I didn’t respond. It was a rough time for me but I got through it and felt like I got over her. (When I think about her/the past it doesn’t provoke any feelings of sadness or anger anymore).
Fast forward to last month (5/2019) she texted me asking me if I wanted to buy the house that she got in the divorce (we had two houses together, each kept one). I simply responded “Thank you but I’m not interested”. A few days later she texted me to ask me a construction related question (that’s what I do for a living). I answered the question and told her to take care. A week later she texted me saying she had to get the dog operated on, and she was worried about the dog being ok. I said that I hope that everything turns out ok and to take care. Very short, to the point texts.
Last week, things changed. She texted me to ask me a car question, I answered it (a few hours later), then I immediately received long paragraph responses from her, saying how bad she felt about the divorce, she will regret it forever, she never meant to hurt me, she still misses me/thinks about me all the time. That I deserve the best, and she was too stupid to realize that before. Then she said, take care, and I love you so much (“loving nickname she used to call me”). An hour later I simply responded thank you and take care also.
She immediately said “If we tried again, things would be different this time. I’ve had so much time to reflect and I know I was wrong, and I still love you. We could get married again”. I was in shock and after two hours I said “ what would be different this time?” And she went into detail about issues we had etc. She said she wanted to see me that day, I told her I’d think about it in a few days. She was texting me more frequently but I kept my responses short and to the point.
Two days ago we met up at a restaurant, and honestly it felt great. We caught up like old friends, talking about the kids etc etc, kept it light and fun. Some flirting on her part, I tried to keep it more “friendly” but towards the end I flirted a little also. When we left the restaurant, I said goodbye and she said let’s sit in my car for a few minutes, I agreed. We joked and talked more, and when she turned the ac on she kept her hand on my leg for a few seconds (leg was near ac controls). I told her it was late and I had to leave. She asked if she could hug me, I said ok. She climbed over into my seat and sat on my lap and hugged me for a while. Then we made out and things started ramping up so I said I had to go. She got into her seat, kissed me again, and we left. An hour later she thanked me for coming and said she hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. I just said, you’re welcome, and have a good night.
Yesterday she texted me and I didn’t respond right away and she said “are you still going to talk to me?” I said hi how are you etc and ignored the question, and we texted briefly. She said something about she would love to take the kids to Florida (where I’m going) and I feel as though she said that hoping I’d say “sure we should all go sometime” (in the past I would definitely have said that. She said she wants to meet up again next week when I come back from my trip this weekend. I told her I’d let her know if I could.
I’m scared to start having feelings for her and get rejected again. I feel like this is dangerous in a way. I really got hurt in 10-11/2018 when we tried again, she was very “on/off”. (One day she wanted to be with me next day no etc). If we could have a healthy marriage and rebuild our family I definitely would. She’s been in therapy and I believe she’s changing. I just feel like she’s coming on very strong, all of a sudden she wants to be in contact every day and it feels like too much too soon for mes. How should I go about this? Is it possible she’s playing with me? Thank you for reading this novel lol!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
^^^^ Gentlemen I think all of us LBH need to pay serious attention to the dynamics of this story and how to respond like this in the game of distance and pursuit. JS6199 I am terribly sorry that you had to have your heart broken and your life toyed with by someone eleses hot and cold emotions. But I admire your strength, fortitude throughout the whole scenario. Whether you realize it or not, I think you have a clear understanding of how to handle yourself when someone rejects you, how you can potentially be emotionally manipulated, and putting up boundaries right away rather than later. What your worth is as s man, and what direction you need to take for yourself when things aren't working. I applause you. The bigger questions are: 1.) Is she worth it? 2.) Is she sincere and remorseful 3.) How hard is she willing to work to earn your trust and R the relationship? You are absolutely right. "You have to think about it." Take all the time you need.
Just, thanks for posting. This is why we try to tell LBSs here that D isn't the end. This can always happen. Obviously you need to tread lightly here. She sounds a bit like "thrill of the chase" type. Read the distance pursuit thread. Also it sounds like the reality of the dating world has kind of smacked her in the face.
Can you give us more details about what happened last fall?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Run!!!!!!! Don't look back! This gal is playing oldest tricks in the book. She's just using you, and she'll hurt you again, so leave her alone. I saw the minute she baited her hook. Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't want your advice on anything, that's just her excuse to get her foot in the door.
Oh, and all the hot making out.......was her way of checking to see if she could still get you interested. If so, then sex is the tool she'll use to draw you back again. It's sex......not love. Don't confuse the two. And, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. Be very suspicious of why she seems so eager to start putting sexual moves on you.
You have no children with her. You got over her (rather quickly) and was fine. You just need to cool down and back away. Don't talk to her and clear your head.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you all for taking the time to read my story, and thank you for the responses.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
The bigger questions are: 1.) Is she worth it? 2.) Is she sincere and remorseful 3.) How hard is she willing to work to earn your trust and R the relationship? You are absolutely right. "You have to think about it." Take all the time you need.
To me, she is worth it. I do feel as though she is sincere and remorseful. She said that she wants to earn my trust and for us to have a healthy relationship and rebuild our family. She is very proud, and everything she said to me is not like her. I feel like she is different in a way.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Can you give us more details about what happened last fall?
She said she was confused about leaving me and wanted us to try to reconnect to see how she felt. I was far too needy and she could tell I was desperate. When I would pursue she would run, and I basically pursued her to the point of no return and she said she didn’t want anything to do with me. She was very hot/cold at this time, if I hung back she would pursue me but every time she did that I would pursue much more and I ruined it.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Run!!!!!!! Don't look back! This gal is playing oldest tricks in the book. She's just using you, and she'll hurt you again, so leave her alone. I saw the minute she baited her hook. Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't want your advice on anything, that's just her excuse to get her foot in the door.
Oh, and all the hot making out.......was her way of checking to see if she could still get you interested. If so, then sex is the tool she'll use to draw you back again. It's sex......not love. Don't confuse the two. And, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. Be very suspicious of why she seems so eager to start putting sexual moves on you.
You have no children with her. You got over her (rather quickly) and was fine. You just need to cool down and back away. Don't talk to her and clear your head.
I am concerned about this posibility of her playing and me getting hurt. I don’t see how she could use me? She makes much more money then I do, if she wants sex, she is very attractive and wouldn’t have a problem finding that. She cannot become pregnant ever again (had tubes tied/cut/burned and ovaries removed due to past medical condition. I know her original texts were to get her foot in the door, she is too proud to just randomly text that she wants to try again.
So what should my next move be? Should I ever initiate contact? (I haven’t yet, not once). Any other tips to try to know what her intentions are? Thanks!
This has potential....but she’s moving way too fast. No making out. Take time to decide what you want. There is no rush and if she truly wants you she will wait.
So what should my next move be? Should I ever initiate contact? (I haven’t yet, not once). Any other tips to try to know what her intentions are? Thanks!
First of all what do you want? To be with her or not?
Have you read the pursuit and distance? Because as you distance she is pursuing. If you pursue, she will likely distance, or stop pursuit.
I don't think you should just automatically run. You don't know of any OM. There could be one, but maybe there isn't. It's not guaranteed. It could have been the "seven year itch." Take it VERY slow though. It seems like youu've done everything right to get to where you are. Continue to do what's right for you.
I've read an reread your original post. Why did she move out in the first place? What were her reasons?
Be true to yourself and go slow.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
