Quote How about a crazy story? I flew up to my hometown last weekend for a family wedding (my 3rd this school year!) On Sunday my flight home was at 2:30 but got delayed, then we got on the plane, then we didn't have enough gas and had to go back to the gate, then the crew hit their hours limit for the day, so we all had to get off. Finally at 6 or so, they tell us the flight is cancelled, they can give us a refund or they can put us on the next available flight... on Wednesday! I had work the next morning so that was out. On other airlines there were no flights for less than 600 dollars.
So I start asking people in line for refunds who were all on the flight, who is up for splitting a rental car and driving down. It is about 8-9 hours without traffic. I find three complete strangers and we head down to rent a car. It turns out two of the them are Spanish speakers, so I am happy to have the chance to chat. The one other guy is left out, but he slept most of the time he wasn't driving. One of the guys is a DACA recipient, a "dreamer" who came as a kid from El Salvador, studied philosophy in college and was on his way to getting ordained as a priest, but now is rushing back to my city to be on time in the kitchen he works at. Despite all the driving and the late, late night it was a fun adventure and a cool chance to interact with people whom I normally wouldn't get a chance to talk to. We finally got in to the airport to drop off the rental car at 3:50 in the morning.
That was when the adventure really started. I have no car currently, just a moped, and I had left that at the covered deck at the airport. But I was planning on arriving mid-afternoon and my front headlight had blown out, not a big deal for mid-afternoon, but not great at night. I decided that I was too exhausted to spend any more time at the airport, so I hopped on and set out right then sans headlights. The roads were very well lit and there was no traffic around so I wasn't worried for my safety, but I was paranoid about the police pulling me over and fining me and possibly taking the moped. At one point I passed some cops who had pulled someone over and I held my breathe the whole time. The rest of the ride my eyes are straining to identify the very few oncoming cars, trying to discern if they have police lights atop them or not. It's more stress on top of an already long and stressful night.
Finally, I'm about 2 miles from home when I pull up to a red light and get flagged down by a guy on foot. It's a little disconcerting to get flagged down at that hour (4:15 a.m.) on a moped with no protection, plus my brain is still woozy from lack of sleep. He comes up to me and says, "Can you call 911? I am suicidal and homicidal and a threat to myself and others." He says it calmly, matter-of-factly, with no aggression or impairment. Still, it is jarring and frightening to hear that from another person in the dead of night on a solitary road, on an exposed vehicle. He also tells me that he attacked or kicked another car that refused to call 911 for him. So, I tell him sure, but that I'm going to pull ahead a little and that he should just wait at the intersection. I proceed to call and give the information to the police, but as I'm doing that he calmly walks over to where I am pulled over. He hands me his id card so i can identify him, and tells me what he is wearing as the police are asking for a description. He's just a kid, 19 years old, five feet tall. They ask if he has any weapons and he tells me no. He is still totally calm and collected. Finally they ask if I am going to wait with him for the police to show up and I tell them no (I'm both a little sketched out and still wary of interacting with the police with my headlight out.) But before I can go, a cruiser pulls up behind me, and shortly thereafter an ambulance. The kid tells the cop that he just got released from the hospital and has overdosed on his pills and gives a list of all the pills he has taken. When the cop asks when, he looks at his watch and says five minutes ago. He repeats the part about being a threat to himself and other and tells the cop about attacking the other car. He then asks if he can ask which hospital to go to, and says his preference is a hospital 20 miles away in a suburban town. I am both amazed and bewildered by how calm and collected he is. What kind of situation is he in that he is so desperate to get checked into a psychiatric ward? Finally, I ask the cop if I can leave and take off. It's about 4:40 a.m. when I finally get home.
It's a crazy story and an experience I won't soon forget. I am left wondering how bad things must be to make you approach strangers in the middle of the night in order to get into a hospital and off the streets. I hope the kid gets the help he needs and doesn't simply become a statistic. I'm also grateful that I haven't reached that point yet.
In other news, I had my final official interaction with my EW yesterday. It was the first time we have interacted in months, and the first since the D became official. We met at a notary to sign the quitclaim deed that transferred the ownership of the house into my name alone. I also gave her the check to buy out her portion of the house. She gave me her key to the house and the wedding ring which she had kept. She also tried to give back the engagement ring, but I refused it. She was tearful throughout the process, walking away after signing the deed so that she could cry. When we sat down on a bench outside afterwards to exchange the ring/check/key she was also emotional. It was hard. My father just celebrated his 75th birthday and she had written him a letter. I asked her to please not contact my family, and she burst in to tears, asking if they hated her that much. I told her no, that it was for me. I was calm and composed, with my guard up throughout the conversation. There is no point in making myself vulnerable to her at this point. I know that I came across as a bit cold and business-like in the face of her emotion. But what would have been the point in allowing myself to be emotional there? I was hurting for sure, but that isn't her problem any more than her sadness is mine.
The school year just ended which is both great (no stress) and frightening (lots of time to ruminate). Last year I embarked on an epic road trip which was a great project. This year, I have yet to make any plans. I'd like to get up to Alaska to visit a friend, but it seems like a pipe dream at the moment. I may buy a car, but my financial situation is tighter than I would like after buying my EW out of the house. That precludes any easy road trips to the mountains unless I rent a vehicle. Right now my goal is to practice yoga every day, to read a book or two a week, to clean up the house from top to bottom, to take care of the yard.
Dating has been rather lame. I've given up on the 2nd professor. We exchange some texts but in my mind that's not going anywhere so I don't worry about it. I was chatting with one very interesting doctor, but she freaked out when I texted her and woke her at 11 p.m. during a week that she was on call. I always turn my phone off when I go to bed, so it didn't occur to me that it could be an issue. She ignored me at first and then when I followed up, she expressed her (great) annoyance and called off the date we had planned. Perhaps I dodged a bullet there. I did go on two dates this week but both were flops with no chemistry. I have also been surprised by the number of women that have responded to initial inquiries, started conversations, and then ghosted - five or six just in the last couple of weeks. It's a bit disheartening.
I am grateful for this forum for the opportunity to share these feelings. It's a good outlet, and I hope that I provide some entertainment/amusement for others as they navigate these difficult times.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks for the reply! I 100% agree that building a wall around my heart/emotions when dealing with EW is nothing more than self-preservation. I think that opening up and being vulnerable to the right person is absolutely crucial. In dating, I have tried to be as open as possible, but it takes time to reach a level of intimacy where complete vulnerability is appropriate.
I am sorry for your creepy guy experiences. I hear that a lot from women here and on-line. It seems like a sad and sexist reality that women have to put up with if they go the OLD route. I wish I knew how to change it beyond simply not acting like jerk myself.
Regarding your comment on men in their 40s, I am a man in my 40's but I have no kids and would like to have a family so 40-41 tends to be my upper limit. At this point I tend to date women without children, although the most serious relationship I had (2 months dating) was with a woman with a three year old. For me dating someone with older children would just require a significant mind shift in terms of what my vision of the future looks like (and I feel like we would be at very different stages of life). For the right person I am open to it, but it's hard to imagine right now.
In terms of your guidelines I am with you completely. The body-focused response don't even merit a response, and anyone who is putting serious expectations on a R before even meeting is way too "thirsty" for a relationship. You wouldn't believe how many women have trouble holding up their end of the conversation as well. So many one line replies, or lots of talk about themselves but a complete inability to ask questions about the other person. On the flip side, I have had a number of dates where the woman absolutely loved the date because I was present, actively listening, asking follow-up questions, and contributing my own stories. On some of them I didn't feel any chemistry and knew right away that I didn't want to pursue a relationship, but I was still going to try to have a good conversation and enjoy the evening.
Good luck with it. It's nice to swap stories and realize that I'm not the only one out there struggling with it!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Your XW is a little different...strange that she still wants to use you to get her negative feelings out. It seems really rude and inconsiderate given her whole "I want a divorce" mindset.
As for the interaction with the deranged guy, hahaha wow holy crap. I'm glad it turned out ok but I would have been worried about him doing something dangerous.
Have you considered any side work for extra money this summer? Or is more worthwhile to spend your time elsewhere?
I gotta hit the hot yoga this week at least once, that was as hard as I've worked out in a while and I'm glad you posted about it in your thread.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I just want to say a quick hi. I read your updates today. There's so much going on in your life. So many transitions. I feel sad to hear of your divorce but it's also a huge achievement that you survived the process!! In some ways it's so lonely to be without a partner and not having anyone promising on the horizon but on the other hand it's almost part of the healing process to be alone for a while. It's a strange time in life for sure. I hope your summer break gives you a chance to meet someone special. You can always look outside your immediate geographic area! It honestly sounds tiring to go on multiple dates but I admire your openness to meeting many women and giving each a chance. When you find the right person I'm sure everything will fall into place. I bet you'll feel the happiest you ever felt when that finally happens!
To be fair, XW never pushed for divorce and actually told me she wasn't ready for it. But your point stands since she did push to leave the MR and never showed any desire to return. I have never doubted the sincerity of her emotions, but she is overly led by them and has trouble seeing past them to the point where it could be considered self-centered. She is hurting just like I am hurting over the death of the MR which is fine, the only thing I object to is her dumping those emotions on me.
Nah, I'm not going to work this summer, outside of maybe teaching a week long class at the end of the summer to pick up a grand or so. I'd rather have the freedom to travel, to do what I want when I want. I'm not in a bad financial situation with a super cheap mortgage and few expenses outside of dating, it's just that I depleted the vast majority of my savings to buy her out. I am very frugal and can live on next to nothing and have a very steady if not impressive paycheck.
Good on you with the yoga! My goal is every day that is feasible, even if it just means me practicing in the garage at my parents's place!
Nicole,
Thanks for popping back up. I really value your opinion. More than anything else I miss the intimacy, of having "your person" who you could always turn to when you needed a sympathetic ear or hug. Honestly, going out on dates isn't really tiring, I get energized from it because I almost always have interesting conversations. It looks like I will have 3-4 in the coming week which is cool. Getting ghosted and navigating the texting stage is the disheartening part because everything always starts promising, but it so rarely leads anywhere.
One thing I forgot to mention earlier is that while I signed a contract at my school I still have a placement agency sending me referrals to schools. Of course at this time of the year the referrals have slowed from 5-6 a day to 1 or 2 a week since it is so late. I had more or less decided to come back, unless something spectacular came up. On Friday, the last day of school, I got a new referral which was actually for the school in NYC where I worked for most of my twenties. It was the best job I ever had with amazing colleagues (one of whom is the MS principal currently.) If it were a serious possibility I would definitely at least consider it. However, at this point it just means that they sent my materials (CV/resume and reference letters) to the school. The school itself hasn't actually indicated any interest, and they might not be interested since they have had openings in the past that they didn't consider me for. However, it is also really late in the hiring season for them, so they most likely don't have their pick of the best candidates at this point. I generally don't reach out to schools and let them come to me if they are interested, but I might make an exception in this case. No matter what, I'm going to approach it from a place of no expectations. Most likely nothing comes of it, and if it does progress I'll deal with it as it comes.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I was looking at flying down to Peru, but it is really pricey now. If I could get a good flight I'd be happy to spend some time down in the land of mate.
The dog is still with me. I haven't been able to spend as much time with her, and no car means no trips to the dog park. Yesterday when I went to my backyard in the morning I discovered a present on the ground - a rather large, dead rabbit!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I get your hesitation. I really really do. I imagine that is the reason that there is a big gap in the age range of men who have shown an interest. Younger men have the same vision of the future as you (home, kids, dog), but feel that is something to worry about when they are 'grow up' (i.e. in their 30's). I was the same at that age. I do get older men too but they are significantly older and looking for someone to retire with. I am not looking for forever (so older men are out) and I am not looking for casual (which is what the younger men seem to have in mind) so, right now, am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Limbo, but now a different sort.
Anyway, I have pretty much rejected everything that has come through in the last three days but will keep the profile up on the off chance someone suitable comes along. I'll give it till the end of the month.
I am going to Peru next year. Planning on climbing a mountain . Was thinking Feb. Neff - any good that time of year?
I´m further south FS and it´s over the Atlantic coast. If you come close just come by. All DB bros and sis have a place to stay where I live.
Peru is a beautiful place to go all year long. If you plan to go to Machu Pichu they say it´s better to visit between April and October. It´s the dry season so there´s little rain. You can climb your mountain then. If you go there in summer (J, Feb, M) you´ll find some rain and some occasional flooding (mainly in the mountains and the Titicaca lake).
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Cheers Neff. Offer for a sightseeing tour of London if you're ever in this part of the world. I'd give you a tour of where I actually live, but it is the land of picket fences and perma-tans so not sure your cup of tea.
I'll give an update in a bit (nothing big), but first I have a question (it is so insignificant as to be humorous!):
I am leaving town for a week and so I wrote an email to EW offering her the chance to take the pup for the week. She works from home so could give her lots of attention, and she does love the dog. I was also thinking that it could save me 200 dollars. But EW didn't get back to me and I ran into a (common) friend who said that she would love to take the dog for me. I told her that I was giving EW first chance, but after 4 days EW still hadn't gotten back to me so I told my friend that I would take her up on the offer. Then, yesterday, I wrote to EW letting her know, and she immediately wrote back saying that she thought it was fair (that I had moved on) but that she had been planning to write and let me know that she wanted the dog. She also gave me (lame) excuses about why she hadn't responded. Then later in the day she wrote and told me that if I wanted to cancel the reservation (she thought I was using a boarder) she would love to take her.
My initial reaction is to tell her to F#$# off, because it is so typical of her - not responding to me in a timely manner, and just doing whatever she wants and expecting me to adapt. (Of course, I would never actually say that, I simply wouldn't respond to her message.) However, I am afraid that I am being petty. Am I? The pup would be happier with EW since she works from home, and I'm sure that our common friend would be happy to share the time with the dog. I could easily tell her to talk to our friend so that they can work something out. But I have no desire to do that.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
you have 1 person who offered to watch the dog for you and is following through, and you have another person who had plenty of time to offer to help and is being flaky. I'd go with option 1. Trying to work something out for sake of EW's happiness isn't your responsibility, and your EW doesn't extend that courtesy to you. So I don't think it is petty.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks ovr, it's interesting that the advice I get IRL is the opposite. I'll sleep on it for a few days. No rush.
Update:
I'm enjoying summer break. Lots of yoga, lots of climbing, some biking. I got out last Saturday to rock-climb outdoors for the first time ever (lead and top rope), which was utterly terrifying but also exhilarating. I also gave in and bought a used car yesterday both for the pup and so that I can drive to the mountains and visit family. I took advantage today and took her out to the dog park for the first time in ages.
There has been a lot of dating going on as well. Probably around ten first dates in the last two and half weeks. Unfortunately there hasn't been much in the way of connection. The best one was with a woman a year younger than me, who is super active but not the body type that I am most attracted to. She also has a 13 year old son, which is not what I would picture. That said, we have hit it off on two dates, have tons to talk about and seems to operate on the same wavelength. I am super hesitant to start something with a single mother unless I feel super passionate about it, because I don't want to do wrong by her. So it is a balance of just going out and enjoying myself (ourselves) and living in the moment vs. keeping an eye to the future.
I did also see my (second) professor again. We went to a minor-league ball game and watched fireworks at the end, and then ended up spending two hours walking and talking around town. It was a fun night, and when she is with me she is so positive, and so attentive - she just feels very present, which is a great quality. That said, I have dropped any expectations from that relationship, and I don't know that I see it progressing anywhere.
In a couple of days I am driving up to visit family and get a little beach time. Then I am off to Puerto Rico for a week with a good friend from South America. It will be our first time there, so it should be fun (if hot!) We'll explore the old San Juan, visit the Yunque forest, and spend a couple of days lounging on the beaches in Vieques. Following that I will have about a week back home and then I'll head off to Alaska to visit a friend who is a park ranger up there for a week. We'll camp up in Denali national park for a few nights, then head back down to Kenai Fjords, where I'll go on a 9 hour whale cruise that my friend is leading. It should be a once-in-a-lifetime type of experience!
Mentally I'm doing pretty well, though there are always some ups and downs and the grind of mediocre dates has begun to wear on me a bit. I never thought that my EW was the only woman in the world for me, but there seems to be a shortage of interesting ones down here who are buying what I am selling! I was really affected by a couple of deaths recently. A professional runner, Gabe Gruenwald, who was a US 3000m champion after battling cancer, passed away two weeks ago. She was competing in the Olympic trials in 2016 while undergoing chemotherapy with a giant scar across her torso. She had a great quote about how this wasn't the life she wanted or expected but how she was so grateful for it nonetheless. That's an attitude I am trying to embrace with daily gratitude reflections. And then I found out a week ago that a real close friend and roommate of one of my friends, and a guy who had done a fair amount of biking with my social group, was killed in a motorcycle accident two weekends ago at 30 years old. We weren't very close, but he had an ebullient personality and I always enjoyed it when he showed up for rides with us, or he was at parties that I attended. Given my own adventures on moped, it was a bit sobering.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
ha... so I never responded to EW, but yesterday my friend texted me that she couldn't take the dog in her apartment. So I texted EW to offer her once again, but told her I needed to know in 24 hours, and she got back to me saying that her landlord told her the same thing! So they both flaked out on me, and now I have to shell out 200 bucks for a dog sitter!
Today I filed the quit claim deed at the register of deeds, so the house is officially in my name.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks ovr, it's interesting that the advice I get IRL is the opposite. I'll sleep on it for a few days. No rush.
People IRL are subjective. They are too close to the situation. Most will tell you what you want to hear. Or will tell you what they think will relieve your pain the fastest.
I don't know you from Adam. I can look at your sitch objectively and tell you what works with no preconceived notions and no intentional or unintentional ulterior motives.
Quick story:
Guy I knew was going through his W's PA. She was cheating on him with someone, he didn't know who. He met up with a good friend and started confiding. The friend was offering advice. "Just leave her, D her, and never look back!"
Turns out the friend was the OM and was telling the LBH what he, the OM, wanted so that the guy's W would be completely free!
Be vary wary of IRL people's advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey folks! I'll post an update in a little bit, but I have a question first, as it is something I am struggling with a bit.
I have a dog that my EW still has "visitation rights" to. She had made it clear that she would love to take the dog while I traveled, so in an email I offered her the dog for one of my week long trips. Crickets. No response for nearly a full week. In the meantime another friend offered, so I took her up on the offer. I wrote to EW telling her this, and then she immediately wrote back saying how she had wanted the dog but excuse, excuse, blah, blah, blah... A week later my friend bailed so i wrote EW again, and she responded quickly but saying that she couldn't have dogs in her apt. Evidently she hadn't checked before.
Long story short, I found another friend, a common friend of EW and I, to take in the dog, and it was perfect situation - a fenced-in yard, another dog to play with. She was super happy. When I went to pick her up afterwards my friend mentioned that EW had stopped by on Monday night (her regular night) to walk the dog. I was taken aback, but didn't say anything in the moment since this guy had really saved my skin by taking in the pup (and has been a super important friend ever since the separation.) However, the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got because I had never told my EW where I was taking the dog (I was legit annoyed at her) which means that the two of them had talked about it behind my back. I never, ever, put my friends in the middle, and if there is an event or the like, I'm happy to be the one to bail out to avoid awkwardness. It was clear that EW hadn't just happened to stop by the house - she had come by to walk the dog on "her night".
Last night I got an email, slightly annoyed in tone from EW saying that she didn't come by last Thursday (her other night) to walk the dog because I hadn't let her know that it was time to resume the normal schedule. She said that she would stop by tonight (monday) unless I let her know otherwise. I am quite tempted to sarcastically ask her why she didn't just ask our common friend what day I was coming back when she was there earlier in the week, but I recognize that isn't a particularly productive or mature response. Honestly, I am more annoyed at my friend than her, because I have no expectations regarding her at all, and he is someone I have relied on and trusted a good bit.
Questions 1) Am I overreacting? it seems like a breach of trust to me. 2) Do I say anything to my friend? (I feel like I need to) 3) Do I say anything to EW (my instinct is to ignore)
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
That's really annoying and strange that your friend would do that! I wouldn't say anything though b/c ultimately he was helping you a lot and it probably won't be well received. If you ever took your dog to him again then you could bring it up.
And your EW is still playing little games it seems...oh well. How's your summer break treating you?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It's nice to hear your update although I'm sorry to hear that your friend wasn't totally transparent. If he's a close friend I'd personally ask him to give you a heads up next time before he talks with your ex-wife about the dog's status or anything that concerns you as well.
How was your trip? Did you meet any other nice women recently?
Thanks guys. I agree to just let it go with EW, but with my friend i just feel as though i should address it. Because it does bother me. I used to run away from confrontation or difficult conversations, and I have made it a priority not to do that anymore.
Summer has been great. I took two week-long trips, which sandwiched a week spent up with my family and friends. First I was in Puerto Rico (before the protests) with a friend. It was a blast, we explored a good bit but also spent a lot of time at the beach just chilling. Then I spent a week in Alaska, visiting another friend. It was sublime. The vastness of the land, the contrast between lush green meadows full of flowers and vast ice fields and glaciers just steps away, the wildlife - moose, bears, caribou, puffins, whales, porcupines, the fresh-caught salmon! My friend and I spent a couple of nights hiking in Denali national park - we were fortunate to see the peak for a few hours from our campsite (only 30% of visitors see it due to ever-present cloud cover). We spent a night in a cute little town called Talkeetna where we listened to a Grateful Dead cover band in a dive bar until midnight and walked out into a still light-filled "night". We also went on a day long boat tour (my friend was the park ranger narrating the trip) to visit glaciers in Kenai Fjords where we also saw whales breaching, puffins diving, sea otters and seals. The highlight of the trip was a 7.5 hour hike up and down the side of Exit Glacier, 3,500 feet of elevation change. We made it up to the start of the Harding Ice field which feeds all the glaciers and goes on for 40 miles. It was one of the most spectacular views I have ever seen in my life. The harshness of the icy tundra belied by the 70 degree temperature and the lush vegetation below. Breathtaking.
I've been dating as well with mixed success. Lots of online conversations, many of which fizzle, a bunch of dates of which only a few show any spark. I am starting to doubt my ability to read social cues. Twice last week I went on dates (a first, and a second date) with different women, and I left the date thinking that the women was not interested, that something had fallen flat. In both cases I was proven wrong when the woman reached out the very same day to contact me and let me know what a good time they had. It's not a question of insecurity or lack of confidence, just an interesting failure to interpret signals correctly.
One of those women I saw on Thursday for a mid-day date, a lunch-time walk along the greenway. When she reached out again we ended up meeting again on Friday night when we out to a way-too-cool-for-us repurposed industrial space that is getting repopulated with artist studios and on Friday nights they have food trucks, live music, beer, etc... We spent a great night talking and trading dating stories. I haven't seen anyone who made me laugh this hard ever. It was one of those nights that you don't want to end. However, she is also separated, 6 months out of a 8 year long marriage (with a 3 yr old). Afterward she texted me to let me know that she is unclear what she wants at this point and feels like she could be dangerous to herself and others (in the dating sense). She is in therapy, has a regular yoga practice, and is open when talking about her marriage and the failures, so she is doing the right things, but may not be ready. That said, I'll keep dating other people, but I'd like to keep seeing her without any expectations. I had 3 other dates over the weekend and another few in the process of getting set-up for this coming week, so I'm keeping my options open and not placing too all my hopes in this one basket.
Last night we agreed to meet on Wednesday when she doesn't have her child. She asked me what was on my "bucket list" which wasn't a very clear question to me, but she told me that she wanted to know what I was psyched to do, as an inspiration for Wed night. My immediate response was that I'm dying to try a rock-climbing wall set over water where there are no ropes - you just have to let go and fall into the 16 ft. pool below. But, it's not a date idea necessarily, so I began writing to her about a new duckpin bowling facility which just opened in my neighborhood (a safer date idea). Before I could even send that message, she wrote back to me saying ok, let's do it! (the climbing wall) I was beyond surprised, and honestly quite touched. Not only had she asked me for something I was passionate about, but she was game to try it (she's not a climber) with me. Quite frankly, it struck me as an act of generosity that I have almost never seen in the dating world. I'll often suggest ideas for dates and have women go along with them, but this felt different - she wanted to know my passion and do it for me. I'm struggling to recall the last time anyone (a date or not) has shown such a generosity of spirit with me. It's a small thing, but I really do appreciate it.
I hope everyone is well. I haven't been around much lately, and sometimes feel egotistical posting updates. I know it helps me to put them down in writing. Hopefully it brings some levity and humor to the forum, and perhaps shows some other folks that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a wide world out there if you open yourself up to it. Be well, all!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
1) Am I overreacting? it seems like a breach of trust to me.
Personally I think you are overreacting, it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. She's not your W anymore, but your paths are going to keep crossing in unexpected ways. Try not to see a conspiracy every time it happens!
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2) Do I say anything to my friend? (I feel like I need to)
Nah, I would let it go.
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3) Do I say anything to EW (my instinct is to ignore)
Here's the thing, you didn't tell W where the dog was going to be, you didn't tell her when you would be back, so she took matters into her own hands. Do you think you have a right to be mad at her for it? Does she not have just as much a right to be mad at you for not telling her anything? It's no big deal, let's talk about Davide's awesome life without W instead
Thanks. I appreciate your opinion. And I am VERY receptive to the idea that I'm overreacting.
I would just quibble that I did let my EW know that I was going out of town, and the exact dates I would be gone because that only seemed fair, and I didn't want her to come to the house and not find the dog. After she screwed me over, I found another place for the dog - I've done that a bunch, generally through paid dog-sitting services, and never told her where. This time I used a friend - but I don't see how it is any different. She would never have shown up or complained about it earlier.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Including the bait to talk to your friend about this!
I had a similar situation this weekend. My W and I are S'd, but agreed that with a particular set of mutual friends we would not get them involved in the middle of things, we could both continue to see them, etc. I didn't have the kids this weekend, so I asked a buddy to hang out. He said he was busy -- turns out he was busy doing stuff with his W and my W and our kids.
At first I was irritated with my W for not letting me know she would be taking the kids to see our friends. But then I realized that we did not agree that we would let each other know if we hung out with mutual friends. It wasn't discussed. So nix that.
Then I was irritated with my friend for not letting me know. But then I realized he probably felt like he didn't know what to do, because he was in the middle of it already. He had no clue that I didn't know what my W and kids would be doing.
Replace my W and kids with your dog and it's basically the same story.
Have compassion for your friend, that is not an easy spot to be in.
For your W - she is either intentionally or unintentionally irritating you. If intentional - you have given her control of your emotions by letting her sh*t test you, something to work on. If unintentional - her behavior is just more confirmation that you are on the right path!
I would just quibble that I did let my EW know that I was going out of town, and the exact dates I would be gone because that only seemed fair, and I didn't want her to come to the house and not find the dog. After she screwed me over, I found another place for the dog - I've done that a bunch, generally through paid dog-sitting services, and never told her where.
The way I look at it though, you're divorced. The mutual friend apparently talks to both of you, and probably assumes there is no longer any bad blood between you since the D is final, and probably saw no harm in letting her walk the dog one evening since you typically allow her to do so even when the dog is at your house. I imagine your friend and your XW would be quite shocked if you made a stink out of it, they both probably see it as neither here nor there, right? So why did it upset you? Dig into that, there's something there that deserves exploration.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
. Was thinking Feb. Neff - any good that time of year?