Cheers Neff. Offer for a sightseeing tour of London if you're ever in this part of the world. I'd give you a tour of where I actually live, but it is the land of picket fences and perma-tans so not sure your cup of tea.
I'll give an update in a bit (nothing big), but first I have a question (it is so insignificant as to be humorous!):
I am leaving town for a week and so I wrote an email to EW offering her the chance to take the pup for the week. She works from home so could give her lots of attention, and she does love the dog. I was also thinking that it could save me 200 dollars. But EW didn't get back to me and I ran into a (common) friend who said that she would love to take the dog for me. I told her that I was giving EW first chance, but after 4 days EW still hadn't gotten back to me so I told my friend that I would take her up on the offer. Then, yesterday, I wrote to EW letting her know, and she immediately wrote back saying that she thought it was fair (that I had moved on) but that she had been planning to write and let me know that she wanted the dog. She also gave me (lame) excuses about why she hadn't responded. Then later in the day she wrote and told me that if I wanted to cancel the reservation (she thought I was using a boarder) she would love to take her.
My initial reaction is to tell her to F#$# off, because it is so typical of her - not responding to me in a timely manner, and just doing whatever she wants and expecting me to adapt. (Of course, I would never actually say that, I simply wouldn't respond to her message.) However, I am afraid that I am being petty. Am I? The pup would be happier with EW since she works from home, and I'm sure that our common friend would be happy to share the time with the dog. I could easily tell her to talk to our friend so that they can work something out. But I have no desire to do that.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
you have 1 person who offered to watch the dog for you and is following through, and you have another person who had plenty of time to offer to help and is being flaky. I'd go with option 1. Trying to work something out for sake of EW's happiness isn't your responsibility, and your EW doesn't extend that courtesy to you. So I don't think it is petty.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks ovr, it's interesting that the advice I get IRL is the opposite. I'll sleep on it for a few days. No rush.
Update:
I'm enjoying summer break. Lots of yoga, lots of climbing, some biking. I got out last Saturday to rock-climb outdoors for the first time ever (lead and top rope), which was utterly terrifying but also exhilarating. I also gave in and bought a used car yesterday both for the pup and so that I can drive to the mountains and visit family. I took advantage today and took her out to the dog park for the first time in ages.
There has been a lot of dating going on as well. Probably around ten first dates in the last two and half weeks. Unfortunately there hasn't been much in the way of connection. The best one was with a woman a year younger than me, who is super active but not the body type that I am most attracted to. She also has a 13 year old son, which is not what I would picture. That said, we have hit it off on two dates, have tons to talk about and seems to operate on the same wavelength. I am super hesitant to start something with a single mother unless I feel super passionate about it, because I don't want to do wrong by her. So it is a balance of just going out and enjoying myself (ourselves) and living in the moment vs. keeping an eye to the future.
I did also see my (second) professor again. We went to a minor-league ball game and watched fireworks at the end, and then ended up spending two hours walking and talking around town. It was a fun night, and when she is with me she is so positive, and so attentive - she just feels very present, which is a great quality. That said, I have dropped any expectations from that relationship, and I don't know that I see it progressing anywhere.
In a couple of days I am driving up to visit family and get a little beach time. Then I am off to Puerto Rico for a week with a good friend from South America. It will be our first time there, so it should be fun (if hot!) We'll explore the old San Juan, visit the Yunque forest, and spend a couple of days lounging on the beaches in Vieques. Following that I will have about a week back home and then I'll head off to Alaska to visit a friend who is a park ranger up there for a week. We'll camp up in Denali national park for a few nights, then head back down to Kenai Fjords, where I'll go on a 9 hour whale cruise that my friend is leading. It should be a once-in-a-lifetime type of experience!
Mentally I'm doing pretty well, though there are always some ups and downs and the grind of mediocre dates has begun to wear on me a bit. I never thought that my EW was the only woman in the world for me, but there seems to be a shortage of interesting ones down here who are buying what I am selling! I was really affected by a couple of deaths recently. A professional runner, Gabe Gruenwald, who was a US 3000m champion after battling cancer, passed away two weeks ago. She was competing in the Olympic trials in 2016 while undergoing chemotherapy with a giant scar across her torso. She had a great quote about how this wasn't the life she wanted or expected but how she was so grateful for it nonetheless. That's an attitude I am trying to embrace with daily gratitude reflections. And then I found out a week ago that a real close friend and roommate of one of my friends, and a guy who had done a fair amount of biking with my social group, was killed in a motorcycle accident two weekends ago at 30 years old. We weren't very close, but he had an ebullient personality and I always enjoyed it when he showed up for rides with us, or he was at parties that I attended. Given my own adventures on moped, it was a bit sobering.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
ha... so I never responded to EW, but yesterday my friend texted me that she couldn't take the dog in her apartment. So I texted EW to offer her once again, but told her I needed to know in 24 hours, and she got back to me saying that her landlord told her the same thing! So they both flaked out on me, and now I have to shell out 200 bucks for a dog sitter!
Today I filed the quit claim deed at the register of deeds, so the house is officially in my name.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks ovr, it's interesting that the advice I get IRL is the opposite. I'll sleep on it for a few days. No rush.
People IRL are subjective. They are too close to the situation. Most will tell you what you want to hear. Or will tell you what they think will relieve your pain the fastest.
I don't know you from Adam. I can look at your sitch objectively and tell you what works with no preconceived notions and no intentional or unintentional ulterior motives.
Quick story:
Guy I knew was going through his W's PA. She was cheating on him with someone, he didn't know who. He met up with a good friend and started confiding. The friend was offering advice. "Just leave her, D her, and never look back!"
Turns out the friend was the OM and was telling the LBH what he, the OM, wanted so that the guy's W would be completely free!
Be vary wary of IRL people's advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey folks! I'll post an update in a little bit, but I have a question first, as it is something I am struggling with a bit.
I have a dog that my EW still has "visitation rights" to. She had made it clear that she would love to take the dog while I traveled, so in an email I offered her the dog for one of my week long trips. Crickets. No response for nearly a full week. In the meantime another friend offered, so I took her up on the offer. I wrote to EW telling her this, and then she immediately wrote back saying how she had wanted the dog but excuse, excuse, blah, blah, blah... A week later my friend bailed so i wrote EW again, and she responded quickly but saying that she couldn't have dogs in her apt. Evidently she hadn't checked before.
Long story short, I found another friend, a common friend of EW and I, to take in the dog, and it was perfect situation - a fenced-in yard, another dog to play with. She was super happy. When I went to pick her up afterwards my friend mentioned that EW had stopped by on Monday night (her regular night) to walk the dog. I was taken aback, but didn't say anything in the moment since this guy had really saved my skin by taking in the pup (and has been a super important friend ever since the separation.) However, the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got because I had never told my EW where I was taking the dog (I was legit annoyed at her) which means that the two of them had talked about it behind my back. I never, ever, put my friends in the middle, and if there is an event or the like, I'm happy to be the one to bail out to avoid awkwardness. It was clear that EW hadn't just happened to stop by the house - she had come by to walk the dog on "her night".
Last night I got an email, slightly annoyed in tone from EW saying that she didn't come by last Thursday (her other night) to walk the dog because I hadn't let her know that it was time to resume the normal schedule. She said that she would stop by tonight (monday) unless I let her know otherwise. I am quite tempted to sarcastically ask her why she didn't just ask our common friend what day I was coming back when she was there earlier in the week, but I recognize that isn't a particularly productive or mature response. Honestly, I am more annoyed at my friend than her, because I have no expectations regarding her at all, and he is someone I have relied on and trusted a good bit.
Questions 1) Am I overreacting? it seems like a breach of trust to me. 2) Do I say anything to my friend? (I feel like I need to) 3) Do I say anything to EW (my instinct is to ignore)
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
