"I don't want to come home. I don't want to be married." These are statements my husband (of 6 years ,together 10) said over the phone, while away at sea. He's at work, until November. He left mid April. I wrote these statements down, and I'm trying to forget he even said those words.
A few months earlier, after our 3 yr old daughter was asleep, we had THE TALK. He opened up and communicated with me, that for the last 2 years, he hasn't been happy. As horrible as it was to hear, I was happy that he finally was able to be honest with me. He said, it wasn't me, it was him. He loves me, but he's not sure about our future, not sure if it's what he wants. It's not what he pictured. I suggested we talk to someone, he said no. Us talking was good enough. So we cried, we talked, we cried, and we had passionate sex. In the morning he said, I don't want to lose you guys. We had a great family day. And then the next day, it all went back to being unhappy.
I noticed a change in him 2 years ago. His family & friends noticed a change. We live on an island, and don't see family a lot, but I've been asked, "What's up with him?" Drinking more, distant, and a bit of a jerk. Not his normal behavior. I tried to get him to talk, but he's not one to communicate, would often answer my questions with "why"? I just brushed it off as stress & walked on egg shells around him for a bit, but always tried to get him to open up, even called him out when he was being a jerk. He'd say sorry, and I'd say, "Whatever THIS is, whatever is going on between us, the not being nice, IT's got to stop". His behavior drove me to be silent, and distant. When I tried to address things,he wouldn't talk. And with him being a jerk, I brushed him off. We never addressed anything, and he goes away for 6 months and comes back. And we do the whole thing over again, but finally address it with THE TALK.
Before going back to work, he slept on the couch, and kept himself busy completing renovations on our in-law-suite, which had been on going for months and stressful. I did my mom thing during the day, and tried not to cry at night. The only person that knows our business is us. So we did talk about THIS with each other a few more times, and a few more details came to light, mainly about his past & not trusting anyone, but in the end, he was still unhappy. I still want to work on things, and we do love each other. My love is the same as it ever was. He says that he loves me, but it's not like it use to be. He said, it's like more of his love has shifted to our daughter. When I dropped him off at the airport in April, we hugged & cried. He said, "Will you be okay?" I said, "I have to, for her.... I love you." "I love you too".
I gave him his space, and did not contact him unless it was urgent. We went a couple of weeks with zero contact. For my daughters birthday, he sent her a video message. He looked so sad. And the next contact we had was his call to reconfirm his feelings of unhappiness. It was difficult to listen too and the connection was horrible. He was getting frustrated at repeating himself. I tried to remain calm, and let him talk & not let my emotions get in the way. The D word did come up. With the bad connection, and given the topic at hand, my focus was only on the first 2 statements he said, "I don't want to come home. I don't want to be married." I sent him a text after our call, basically saying , I'll be okay. This is a serious moment in our lives... it's our business.... let's keep it to our selves ... I'm here to listen anytime.." He responded with, "Hi, okay...I'm more than sorry. Thank you".
What can I do to save my married? I love this man. I believe this is a rough patch. I came across an article that I shared with him about Male Menopause (andropause). He has a lot of the signs of going through this (aka mid-life crisis), and he agreed with me. We are both on "pause" right now until November because of his work.
I haven't said it, but I refuse to look into how to file for a D. I'm not replaying his words in my head, but instead say, "Never Give Up". I read a great post on here, OH... Your not going to Die! I think that's it! And it said, Never Give Up. I can't give up. I have no problem with him traveling on his own, going off to find himself or whatever, but I can't give up on our marriage. I'm use to him being gone a lot for work, and he'll always be in my life,(we have a kid) but to not try and save something we both just ignored? We literally never gave ourselves a chance to work things out, and I think we owe it to ourselves, and our daughter to actually try.
He comes from a divorced family. Parents never married, had him & his sister young. They split. Mom gets together with her exs brother & they have 2 kids. My husband & his sister, in their early years, are brought up to believe that their uncle, their moms current guy, is actually their dad. He was lied to for years, even by all his family, and believed this, until he was 8-9yrs old, when his relationship with his real father came to life. He's only really shared this with me recently, the hurt of being lied to and how this cause him to not trust anyone & it's hard for him to communicate.
My parent where high school sweethearts, had their share of rough patches, but stayed married, mostly happy times. My mother passed away from cancer after I met my husband. They got to met in person once at least.
We met in 2008, married & started our island life in 2012. Bought our first house in 2013, tried starting a family right away. Had to go through IVF treatments (and many miscarriages) before giving birth in 2016 (I was 45.. he was 39). And here we are now. Where does the time go?
Never Give Up is my daily mantra. More than a daily mantra, I mumble it throughout the day. I might get it tattooed on my finger ( or a Hana). My daughter is my number one priority, always. And I have to take care of myself too. I know this. I've had my moments. the nights are very hard. Very thankful to find this forum to open up to.
I don't have anyone that I want to talk to. other than my husband. He feels the same way. I'm leaving him alone while he's at work. What can read that might be helpful? He's physically unavailable to interact with. We literally will not see each other until November. (That's our normal). I wrote him a pretty length letter, that he read before he left for work. I hope he has it with him & I hope he reads it. I don't want to give up on our marriage.
Help is needed.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the advice. I do believe knowledge is power, and will take notes on what can work for me in my situation.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Yes, I totally agree that only he can fix himself.
I showed him the highlights of an andropause article, once, and he read it. It was during the first real conversation we had about things. He was bawling his eyes out, unsure of why he was having these feelings. That was the only time.
He has to figure out his path. Some wounds don't need bandages, they just need time to breathe.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am so sorry that you are here. I am just a newcomer like yourself, so I am not going to give you any advice. But please know that you are not alone. There are so many of us out here suffering through this hell on earth. If I have learned one thing during this period of my life, it is empathy. There are so many people suffering in this world due to marriage problems, and we pass so many of these people every day without even realizing it. The best thing I have done so far is to reach out to a few very close friends and family members and created a support team to help me through this time. Many of these people live a far distance from me, but they are only a phone call away. And all of them are praying for me. I pray every day for the people on this forum. May God give you the peace and strength to get through this time as a better person.
My DH is away until November at work. He's at sea. Zero contact unless we email. What book would you recommend I start with?
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change y our subject line at any time within a thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
