Divorce is final (thread #4 - the last?)

[KevinIn]

Its been a l o n g time since i've posted on here. And now begins Thread #4, which i assume will be my last thread.

Before I jump in...

• Thread #1:Background, me not DBing, and first leg of my DB journey
• Thread #2:Separating
• Thread #3:Mediation

Today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. And at this time i would have expected to be celebrating. Instead, i read an email from my attorney that my divorce is now final. Yup, great timing.

While my attempt at divorce busting failed, I'm very happy i found the book, my DB coach (Chuck), this discussion forum, and the many people i've kept in contact with for two and a half years. And looking back, by the time i found out about divorce busting, there was nothing i could any strategy, method, or person could have done to save my marriage. My spouse had made up her mind way before i knew there was any issue. And she stuck to her decision, which i've learned is not an uncommon trait in walk away spouses.

We've been separated for 2 years. I rarely have any communications with her, and the interactions we must have are limited to logistics regarding our kids and are only done through email and text messages. We are in the same room a few times a month for random kid activities, but there's no discussions. We really don't even acknowledge each other, for good or bad. Its pretty much a full blackout unless necessary for the kids. And its been this way for over 12 months.

Looking back, here's some of my observations.

• When i first found out about the affair, I wish i would have been mentally capable of just saying it was over, going to an attorney, and ending the marriage right then and there. Instead, i was a good guy, did therapy, tried DB, left the door open for over a year, and didn't initiate anything that would facilitate ending our marriage. While i can honestly look back and say I did everything i could to save our marriage, i wish i could have just shut her out of my life as soon as I found out she had checked out. Instead i dragged out the pain and it cost more money.
• I feel the DB book and my DB coach (Chuck) helped me get better grounded in my true circumstances. Marriage therapy was also good about this, but it gave me some overly optimistic expectations.
• The other big thing that helped me was an in-person support group for people going through divorce. The one i went to is a faith-based nationwide group that had meetings at a local church. Even if you aren’t religious, this is very helpful and should be part of your new life.
• Most laws surrounding divorce don't give much penalty for fault (e.g. adultery) to people acting like horrible humans. Being a good person sadly doesn't have any benefit in divorce. And attorney's are expensive. ugh. Makes me really dislike everything regarding divorce laws and lawyers.
• Single income with kids is a not a fun alternative compared to dual income.
• Zoloft is good - wish i would have started it as soon as i found out about the affair. it is also something i'm happy i haven't had in the past year. Good to use an antidepressant when needed, but also good to stop when you no longer need it. Although, weaning off it is an emotional rollercoaster.
• Time does heal wounds. While i still have moments of anger, sadness, and other negative emotions, they are much less frequent these days. Don't get me wrong, i severely dislike my ex, but the thoughts of that aren't consistently present in my mind. I also make an effort to focus on the positive and be a positive person. When I get the negative thoughts, i try to move on quickly and get back to a positive outlook. There's no benefit to being negative.
• My children's mom isn't all that great at being a mom, which greatly benefits me since i get more time with my kids than legally required. I take full advantage of this and enjoy getting a ton of extra "bonus" nights with my kids. I don't trade. If she can't watch them, i simply get them and don't give her anything in exchange. i hope this continues. I'll take my kids over anything else in life.
• I wish i was the type to immerse myself in work when times are tough. Sadly, my work suffers. Still haven't figured that part out.
• I'm incredibly happy I got the wild and crazy fun out of my system prior to marriage. While i could go out each night i don't have my kids and party hard, i'm happy I don't have that urge. On the other hand, being fun, fit, gainfully employed, and have a descent personality has given me more relationship opportunities than at any other point in my life. So, that boosts the self-esteem. Its an unneeded temptation though.
• I witness way too many single parents that go overboard on partying when they don't have their kids. It makes me sad that they are clearly going through tough times and party as an outlet. Don’t do this. Personally, i admit its hard to resist their invitations to join them and sometimes i don’t resist.
• I have met way too many walk away spouses. They are fun, but way more messed up than me. I am conflicted when i interact with them, since i think they have made some messed up decisions. They have given me some pretty good perspective though. I also don’t recommend finding these people unless you just want a good time.
• I've met many women who left their husbands because the guys wouldn't stop playing video games to give the women attention. Seriously guys? Get your act together. Video games over a wife and kids? These are the situations where i can somewhat unstand the walk away spouse. Put the video game down and focus on your family. geez.
• Getting a life (GAL) is pretty darn important. Find something. But maybe something not too expensive and not self destructive - my GAL plans may have been a little too pricey as I went skiing a ton out west (i got an Epic pass and made the most of it) and went to a ton of concerts. Both have been amazing, but pricey.
• I'm an awesome dad. I'm okay bragging about this. And if you are an involved parent that rocks, you should brag about it too! My kid's mom is truly mediocre.

One of the many lessons i've learned is nothing in life is certain. Its good to have plans, but curve balls happen. I hope to continue focusing on my kids and my job until my youngest kid graduates from high school.

So, my marriage is officially over. I'm an awesome dad. I'm gainfully employed. Life will go on. Just not the life i envisioned 10 years ago when i said "i do". It took over two years for me to get to a good place in life, partly due to a better work environment and my kids getting just a little older where they aren’t babies anymore.

If you are in the early stages of marital challenges, i sincerely think you found the right resource to help you here on DB. Please try to stay positive. Be a great parent if you have kids. Follow Sandi’s rules (especially #1 - turn off your spouse completely - 100% blackout). And just be patient - time will help.

For me, until my youngest daughter graduates high school in 13 years, i hope to stear clear of love and relationships. It will be hard to do, but my focus should be my children. And i'm honestly now skeptical of relationships and don't really want to experience another broken heart. I'll still enjoy the company of others, but my heart has a brick wall around it for now.

[ovrrnbw]

Good read, glad you're posting. I will say, if we knew our situations were to end in divorce, that most would probably want to just file and get it done with, "You didn't fire me, I quit!"... buttttt we all need time to truly heal. Some here don't do that and go back to the ways that haven't worked. That's humans for you.

If you're still skeptical of relationships, I think you may have more healing to do. Sounds like you and your XW both have a wall up. Perhaps this is still showing in your interactions with the XW.

Love requires vulnerability. Eventually you should get there.

[neffer]

Glad to hear from you Kevin. Your old sitch was one of my first readings along with TxHubby, Jeep, LH,...

Glad you found yourself man, just let time the time to heal some more. I like what Ovr said: love needs vulnerability. Yes, you´ll be there soon.

My best wishes for you and your kids Kevin.

[MLCxH]

Your post gives me strength. My D moved through very quickly and I am still coming to terms with it. On the other hand reading your post makes me realize it is like ripping off a band aid. Hurts a lot now but probably good in the long term. The thing I need to get over is hope for recon and remarrying her for the sake of the kids and family


If you have any advice for me on my sitch (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2849990#Post2849990) please let me know. I can use all the help I can

[KevinIn]

Hi Ovr. Yes, I am still very skeptical of relationships. At least second marriages. I do feel fortunate that I was able to fall in love and have a very long and happy marriage that resulted in two kids. It is a bummer that it did not work out. I also know that I do not need to immediately jump into another relationship. My kids are definitely my focus for the foreseeable future. I don't need to pull another person into my life right now. One lesson I've learned through watching others go through this is that jumping into another relationship is definitely not a good idea for the long-term. I have seen too many men and women think that they are healed and ready to move on, only to jump into another relationship that quickly fails. This is tough on them, and even tougher on the children.
So, for now, my kids and my work seem to take up more time than I have, so I don't need to worry about a relationship right now. not to say I don't occasionally enjoy the company of another adult. Thankfully that is easy to find when I need it.

Oh, and yes, I definitely have a major wall up between me and the ex. That is a matter of trust. I'm not sure what she is trying to do next as far as custody or anything else with my children. These days, the wall is more from being a protective father, than a bitter ex.

[KevinIn]

Your post gives me strength. My D moved through very quickly and I am still coming to terms with it. On the other hand reading your post makes me realize it is like ripping off a band aid. Hurts a lot now but probably good in the long term. The thing I need to get over is hope for recon and remarrying her for the sake of the kids and family


If you have any advice for me on my sitch (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2849990#Post2849990) please let me know. I can use all the help I can

I'll try to find some time this weekend to read up on your situation. looking back, I do wish I would have just ripped off the Band-Aid instead of let it linger for over 2 years. There are probably benefits to both approaches. It did take me 2 years to get rid of the hope that we can reconcile and get back together for the sake of the kids and family. That hope is completely gone now.

Take care and good luck.

[Davide]

Kevin,

It's always good to hear from wise old heads (even if you are younger than I). I know what you mean when you refer to putting up a wall between you and your Ex. I am the same way. I have to gird myself to deal with her. I know that I come across as hard and cold, but that's what it takes.

Your focus on your kids is laudable. You sound like a great dad! It is excellent to take pride in that. They should be your focus.

That said, I think it is always best to leave yourself open to the possibility of future romantic relationships. It's more complicated with kids, but like you said, the future is unpredictable. It does require vulnerability, and given all that we have been through that is scary.

Good luck, and thanks for checkin in!