My divorce should be final soon. His lawyer informed my lawyer that she would be filing at the beginning of May. I could care less about all of it, TBH. I have no feelings about it anymore. Like everyone said when I first joined this site...eventually I would be detached and moved on to the point that even if he showed up tomorrow to ask for a second chance, I more than likely wouldn’t want him back. I could not imagine feeling that way when all this started but wow, here I am. I see things clearly now. I was not married to someone who was capable of being a full partner who can weather the ups and downs of life without assigning blame and allowing resentment to build.
Well said DV6!! Right there with you! Happy for you!
Thanks Neffer & Ballast. You guys have been in my corner for so long... words cannot express my appreciation for you and for all of the others who have been there for me these past eight months pushing and pulling me along...sometimes kicking and screaming...lol. Gosh it feels so good to be here...detached and enjoying my life. So much better than the existence I was living before...because that’s what it was, an existence. I am LIVING now...for me.
Saw my STBXH today when he picked up our kids. He gave my SD19 a ride to the mall to get her hair done. Apparently they argued on the way because he had texted her what basically amounted to a “hi...I’m busy” text and she had not responded. He thinks that was an effort. Anyway...he was pissed she didn’t reply and apparently thinks that the issues between them are all to do with the relationship between me and him...that she is upset because he felt trapped in his relationship. Sigh...he just cannot take responsibility for his own behaviour. It is because of me that he has any relationship with her at all. He thinks because they had some fun in Mexico on our family trip that they were “in a good place”. They had fun but she was also grossed out by his ogling of women when I wasn’t around and him treating her like a drinking buddy rather than his daughter. He has never fully explained or apologized to her for not being in her life until she was seven years old. He thinks sending her random texts once in awhile is making an effort. He just doesn’t get it and maybe he never will. I am actually shocked by that because he has the exact same relationship with his dad and knows what not to do. Yet...he mostly does what his dad does. It is sad... his daughter deserves better as does he from his dad. So thankful for the parents I was lucky enough to have who were such good role models...as parents and as partners. (((HUGS))) to all...
This weekend was "Jack's" birthday. He came over on Saturday and we went out for dinner to celebrate. Afterwards we went to the local pool hall and ran into a couple of friends of mine. We played for about an hour and he let me give him some pointers. After that we went back to my place and he showed me a couple chords on the guitar. He makes it look so easy. Pool came easy to me... don't think guitar is going to be the same story...lol. He stayed overnight and the next day we took my dog for a walk on the seawall and he took me out for a late lunch and then we stopped by my sister's for a few minutes. He left for home at about 10 p.m. so I could get a good night's sleep for work this morning. It was nice going out with him. Still really liking his company and trying to just take each day as it comes. Not easy for me as I am a planner by nature and it occurred to me a few times this weekend that I should prepare myself for a break up at some point and not get too attached. This is a 180 for me as usually I am "all in" when it comes to relationships. But the differences between us...in particular the age difference...makes this relationship a bit tenuous. Of course, if I had known at the time that my XH was as dishonest as he turned out to be, I might have thought the same thing about my relationship with him. So...treading carefully...
Speaking of XH...he texted me yesterday morning that he was coming over to get some wood out of the back yard and I heard him out back moving boards around a short time later. I didn't go outside. One...Jack was there and two...I just didn't feel like it. The less I see him, the better...IMO. He is going away next weekend with his gf for her birthday (she and Jack are exactly a week apart in age). He was so adamant about this May 1st separation so we could divorce in May, I wonder if he would be crazy enough to get engaged at this stage...or even crazier...elope. My first thought is "no" but then again, he has consistently surprised me with his behaviour so it is not outside the realm of possibility. He's already tied himself to her financially by buying a house with her so why not go all the way? Anyway...I've run that scenario through my brain to prepare. Not sure if it would bother me that much, TBH. Guess we'll see. Hope all is well with everyone in DB Land !!! (((HUGS)))
DV, what I really like about this post is that you admit you aren't sure how something such as your XH eloping or remarrying would affect you. You hope and think it would not send you spinning, but you are honest enough with yourself to acknowledge it might hurt you. I feel this shows incredible strength of character and maturity to admit that you are A) vulnerable. We all are - and you are okay with that in yourself, and , B) Still growing. You know this process is never linear, and you accept your future (the good, the bad, the weird) with eyes wide open.
I'm glad to hear that what you have with Jack is going so well. That really sounds like a fabulous weekend to me (with the exception of the unwanted intrusion of XH). Don't catastrophize. It might work in the long run, it might not, but it is bringing you joy now, so let yourself feel that. You can't predict the future but you can prevent yourself from fully enjoying the present. Let it go. Trust yourself. Have fun!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Not a whole lot to report on my end. Things just keep moving forward. Had a bit of a hiccup in my R with Jack. I got a bit irritated by his texting habits... long time gaps between replies. Friday I texted him good morning and he replied an hour later. No less than one minute after receiving his text, replied with a question about when/if he was coming over this weekend. No response. Two hours later I was just irritated so I sent him a text about how I had learned to pay attention to what people do more than what they say and that if he was having second thoughts about “us”, he should just tell me. An hour later, I get a response saying that he gets the impression that he is not affectionate enough for my needs. Huh?? When I see him, he is beyond affectionate... it is when I don’t see him that I wonder about his feelings for me. Anyway...I text him that and he texts back that maybe I would be better off finding someone else cause he is obviously not that good of a team player. So then I texted him something about reading between the lines...if he’s not willing to make an effort to meet me half way, maybe we should just call it quits. So I think that’s pretty much it and he texts me an hour later a text that says...”DV?? I just didn’t know what to say”. And then another one awhile later saying that he was looking forward to seeing me on the weekend and didn’t know how to respond to what I was saying. So I tell him that I hate texting important conversations and that if that is the case, he should come over and we can figure it out. So... about 90 minutes later he shows up at my door and immediately gives me a hug. I ask him if he is okay and he says, “I am now that I am holding you.” We then talked about his lack of communication during the week and he tells me this is basically the one complaint that any person he has ever dated has had. Really? Maybe you should work on that a bit.
The rest of the weekend was great. My kids were occupied with sleepovers and playing with neighbourhood friends so we got to spend some quality time together. My daughter commented to me that she thinks we are “cute together” because he likes to cuddle with me on the couch when we are watching a movie. She thinks he is shy with kids but she does like him. I told her he thinks she is “cool” and she got a big grin on her face. My son told me that he thinks Jack isn’t used to kids so he doesn’t really know what to say to them. But...he likes him too and says “I know you and Jack are in love”. I ask him why and he says “because you are always laughing when you are together”. I love my kids...lol.
So Jack left on Sunday afternoon and I am pretty sure I scared him because we’ve had three text conversations since then... all with reasonable time lapses between texts (5 minutes at the most) and with a clear end to the conversation rather than him just disappearing for a few hours. So...I think he heard me and is making an effort. Honestly...I know that he is not a phone guy. The whole time he was over this weekend, I’m pretty sure his phone was in his car as I didn’t see it. He wasn’t running out to his car to check it either. So...not looking at his phone seems to be a well-ingrained habit of his. With that in mind, I’m going to keep my texting to a minimum to try to meet him half way.
Saw my H yesterday. He came into the house and seemed a bit more relaxed than normal. We had a brief exchange about our kids that was quite pleasant. I continue to feel completely detached from him. From time to time, I have tried to imagine being back together with him (kind of an internal test) and I really can’t. Our MR is a thing of the past and I am much happier than I have been so I’m okay with it. Didn’t think I would get there but it seems that I have in spite of myself...lol. Feels great!! (((HUGS))) to all of you out in DB land!!!
That's my girlfriend too!!! It's nearly impossible to have a texting "conversation" with her because she'll take hours to reply to the simplest text. And if I text her a question and she doesn't reply for an hour and I text a 2nd question/ statement, she will completely ignore the first one and only reply to the 2nd one. It's enormously frustrating and we've discussed it many times and she always promises to do better and she does.... for 2 or 3 days. Then it's right back to normal. So I definitely understand your frustration. In person we have great conversations, but I only see her 2 or 3 times a month due to distance so it would be nice to fill in the gaps with some nice texting conversations, but it doesn't happen. If he doesn't stay consistent with the improvement you might have to ask yourself if it's a deal-breaker to you. I've been dealing with it for years and I've honestly never gotten used to it, it's aggravating.
Hey you - long time no update Assume you've been busy living life which is wonderful but I've missed your updates.
As a person who is rubbish at responding to text I apologize on his behalf. Sometimes, texts come through whilst i am in the middle of doing something and think I'll respond to that later, and then never do. By the time I realize, so much time has passed that it is just awkward, so I don't. So, again, I apologize on Jack's behalf and say don't be too hard on him. You did the right thing by letting him know it annoys you. I wish my H had (it was one of his complaints during MC).
It sounds like you are in a good place with your STBXH (or is it actually XH now?). I am so so happy for you. Well done my darling. They are right, we do eventually come out the other side better than when we went in.
Oh, I have started dating !!!. Weird, adventurous and downright scary. But and adventure none the less. Unlike you though, when I am with someone else, I compare them to my H and they always fall short. I wish it was different, but there it is.
AS... it is super annoying, isn’t it? It’s like starting a conversation with someone on the street and then, without warning, turning your back and walking away on them without so much as a “gotta go”... If you did that to someone in person, chances are you wouldn’t be friends for very long. But that’s how you and I look at it. I realize that other people see it completely different. Jack’s response was... “it’s just texting”. That would be fine if I was going to see him every day but we only see each on weekends at this point so texting is all we have and that requires way less effort than calling, as far as I am concerned. I’m sure if I called him, I’d get his voicemail most of the time so it would be pointless.
FS...I saw that you had started to date. It really can be an adventure. At the very least, it fills up the time when your kids are away and, who knows, lightening could strike and you could find someone who compares favourably to your H. I get why you would naturally make those comparisons... your story is a little different from mine in that your H was your H until he left. My H disappeared from our relationship five years ago so if I were to compare anyone to him, I would have to go back to who he was about six years ago and I can barely remember that person. The person of recent memory...the real person that I “lived” with...most guys would outshine him if they paid any attention to me at all. Sad, but true. I see things pretty clearly now and he was a complete jerk. Most of the time he was gone but when he was there, he was irritable and resentful and had everyone walking around on egg shells not wanting to upset him in case his “chronic pain” got worse. Seriously... he really was King Douche of Douchebag Land. I do not miss THAT guy at all. I’m sure the current gf is getting the good version of him. Once all the newness fades and life becomes routine, she will eventually meet the version I was living with. I hope I am wrong, but I’ve learned that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. My XH has not done any work on himself or taken any hard looks in the mirror from what I can tell... he will repeat his behaviours until he does... maybe not to the epic extent that he did in our MR but he will show up again. Anyway...glad you are putting yourself out there and testing the waters. Good luck!!!
Good to hear from you! You are so strong forward-facing at this point. It is an inspiration.
To a certain extent I think it sounds great that Jack is not constantly attached to his cell phone. When he is with you, he is really with you, not checking out. Being present is an underrated part of dating and any relationship. Can you reframe your thinking to appreciate that aspect of him?
That said, I get how annoying it is to be ignored via text. I was writing one woman on-line and she ghosted me for 5 days after I suggested a date, only to reappear and say that sounded like a great idea. I have been ghosted by countless others. Not quite the same thing as texting with someone you already have a relationship with, but it comes from the same school of thought. Damn kids! haha...
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Assume you've been busy living life which is wonderful but I've missed your updates.