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Happy to hear you decided no on the polygraph and I think for the right reasons. It seemed like you were going to do it when you talked about logic vs. feelings and seemed to be saying the polygraph made sense logically but your feeling was not to do it. To me it made sense more emotionally as some concrete step to get some kind of answer, but not logically since it's not really lasting reassurance like you want..

I had same "friend zone taps" experience, I think around my wife's birthday. Didn't say anything but I've been around enough women to know that's a kind of nervous defensive thing.


M 44, W 32
T 10, M 8
D 2
Oct '18: Fantasy affair with OW1 (yes, W)
Feb '19: Inseparable from new lesbian BFF
Still live together but a lot of tension
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AS, It is taking some time to believe it's real. You are right, I am skeptical and it can create these road blocks.

In the last two weeks I have been over at the house. She first said I could come over and we take it slow day by day and then she said she'd like me over every day, which led to some small talk about us being together, our home, our bedroom. Everything US. She said she will make more room in the closet for my cloths which she requested I bring over to sleep over and go to work.

I look back since April and her tune has changed and she has appeared to do a lot of 180s on what she is saying and doing. I remember Sandi initially posting that W would need to stop acting a certain way and acting another. I hadn't gone back to the list of things to write them off but there is enough W has done to get a general vibe that she is out of the fog and very much wiling to work on the MR.

I showed her something online about Retrouvaille and she is on board to go. She showed some concern about the religious part because she didn't want to feel judged by Christians for not being a devout Catholic. She kept reading and later felt at ease.

Niall, I don't know how good these lie detector tests are or how easy it is to cheat them. I do know one person who has managed to pass it by lying so it can be done through some type of pain management. As for if she would do all that, I am not sure. The logical vs emotional. I also think as you did, emotionally it would make sense to satisfy this need to know. Logically thinking in the long run if I want to be with her and build this trust, I need to keep the road paved smooth. Not saying she gets an out of jail free card but right now she is doing a few things in an effort to be transparent and she is willing to go to counseling and she wants me to be with her and work things out. We both know we still have issues.

W has said she wants to work the marriage out and go to counseling. W will get the medical records for her birth control pills she is taking to reduce the cyst she has. She said she has put the find me app back on. She has given me her code to the phone and gave me the phone to install the camera app to the house on her phone and also on mine. She had all her passwords up to all the apps and emails and didn't mind me looking or knowing them. She communicates more her daily and weekly schedule. She said her work has a baseball game she was invited to and asked me if I wanted her not to go. I told her going or not going, I don't think that builds trust but I do appreciate her asking me about how I felt about it. I told her she could go and if she was concerned about how I felt, she would figure something out. I told her if she wanted to cheat on me no matter what I did right or try to prevent, she would cheat on me. I told her I cant or don't want to live my life like that, looking to try and catch her cheating or lying to me. I did say it was important to have safeguards in place and we work to strengthen our marriage so that moments of weakness aren't exploited so my focus is to be better.

My W told me what helped her change her mind was seeing how serious I was about changing and she realized I must have been getting some help. I think part of it too was seeing my life going on without her and me and the boys were fine. Along with that was my attitude. I didn't let it get me down around her or other people. Not around her family and siblings. My Sister in law was saying she was there for me and asked about us, her sister and me. She was saying she'd always be there for the kids to help. My head space with them wasn't running for support. It was to say I'm okay with whatever happens to us. I love her sister but I'm not going to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I'm not going to try and force anything on anyone. The few times I did talk to the in laws, it was express life was going on and its good. It wasn't about saying negative things about the W or trying to get them to take sides. My W later said her sister and the brother in law talked to her and asked that I not get mad at the BIL. I don't recall when, but she asked me , so you love me enough to let me go, is that what you are doing? I didn't give her a direct answer as something else came up but in that moment I think she got the point.

I haven't been on the ipad or computer much at the house to journal. I'm taking walks with the kids, out in the streets with them in the evening times. Enjoying a lot more artwork with my youngest boy. Things have been busy.

W has said a couple of times she loves me but this was out of old habits like right after doing something. We tried to take it slow but after 2 nights of sleeping in the same bed in the master bed room, she initiated the physical contact and its been a green light ever since. We've been more intimate. We both have been enjoying our time together. Did I mention she no longer reads those romance novels? More of that focus is in the bedroom. We do tell each other we love things about each other.

My feelings are still guarded and I keep thinking W hasn't "come clean" about the past and I'm wondering if I am making a mistake to move forward the way I am. When W told me about the baseball game she got invited to, she later didn't go because the client didn't get their way with something and made a douche move to her bosses and she was so upset. I was there to validate and support. That same day I had problems at work and pushed those feelings aside to be there for my W. After that, W said she was going to bed and wanted to unwind so she was on the phone looking at Instagram following celeb stories. We are sharing moments together looking through those things together and laughing. that night I had to leave the house though to get some fresh air. I came to the apartment for a while to give some space. We later talked about it and she asked if I was alright and I said I was just giving us some space.

Also shortly after W told me about the baseball game which she didn't go to because she couldn't stand dealing with the client who she felt made a douche move to go above her, W told me she got invited to the lake house of her female boss along with a couple of other ladies from work. She wasn't sure if she wanted to go or not.

Then last night she gets a text like at 12am. I was starting to fall asleep at this time until it came in and I woke up. She said she would show me the text of who it was and that it was her boss being up and doing something. I told her I couldn't sleep anymore and I was going to go driving and she showed me the text. I told her I didn't have an issue with that. She asked what it was and I told her it wasn't really about that but now that I know her boss is asking her to the lake house and sending her texts late at night, she cant tell me her boss is just her boss and not a close friend. I sad it was hard for me not to see this person vouching for her friend whose marriage was on the rocks.

Am I crazy for taking her back too easily? MY W said she knows its tough and still swears she hasn't cheated on me. I feel there is more that she hasn't said.

Her mom is now staying over at the house starting this weekend. This is W's week with the boys. I am not sure if next week I should return to my apartment with the boys and do a hard reset. This morning we went to church together for the first time in a long, long while.

There were a few times throughout the weeks she would do a sh1t test like saying there was a faster route or alternate route to go somewhere, I'd smile and look at her and thank her for the info and keep driving my way or tell her I preferred to look at the beautiful trees or scenery. I noticed the way I handle those are usually with some type of humor and she would laugh. laughing a lot more and being happy.

Seems like rambling trying to put everything down and making sense of the things unfolding. Need advice if I should proceed with caution and still have no expectations or if its okay if she is willing to make some commitment and not doing this to temp check.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Originally Posted by Adam04
I showed her something online about Retrouvaille and she is on board to go. She showed some concern about the religious part because she didn't want to feel judged by Christians for not being a devout Catholic. She kept reading and later felt at ease.


Great! My XW is Catholic but I am not. Not once did I feel the least bit uncomfortable about not being Catholic. The program is hosted by the Catholic Church and there is some praying involved but the focus is on communication skills and not religion.

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W has said she wants to work the marriage out and go to counseling. W will get the medical records for her birth control pills she is taking to reduce the cyst she has. She said she has put the find me app back on. She has given me her code to the phone and gave me the phone to install the camera app to the house on her phone and also on mine. She had all her passwords up to all the apps and emails and didn't mind me looking or knowing them. She communicates more her daily and weekly schedule.


These are really, really good signs Adam! This is very consistent with the behavior of someone that has turned around and is all-in on making it work.

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My W told me what helped her change her mind was seeing how serious I was about changing and she realized I must have been getting some help. I think part of it too was seeing my life going on without her and me and the boys were fine. Along with that was my attitude. I didn't let it get me down around her or other people. Not around her family and siblings. My Sister in law was saying she was there for me and asked about us, her sister and me. She was saying she'd always be there for the kids to help. My head space with them wasn't running for support. It was to say I'm okay with whatever happens to us. I love her sister but I'm not going to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I'm not going to try and force anything on anyone. The few times I did talk to the in laws, it was express life was going on and its good. It wasn't about saying negative things about the W or trying to get them to take sides.


Awesome, you're describing model DB'ing right there smile

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W has said a couple of times she loves me but this was out of old habits like right after doing something. We tried to take it slow but after 2 nights of sleeping in the same bed in the master bed room, she initiated the physical contact and its been a green light ever since. We've been more intimate. We both have been enjoying our time together. Did I mention she no longer reads those romance novels? More of that focus is in the bedroom. We do tell each other we love things about each other.


Fantastic!

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My feelings are still guarded and I keep thinking W hasn't "come clean" about the past and I'm wondering if I am making a mistake to move forward the way I am.


Totally normal to feel that way, Steve did as well and I think still struggles with it a little.

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Am I crazy for taking her back too easily? MY W said she knows its tough and still swears she hasn't cheated on me. I feel there is more that she hasn't said.


Look at it as a work-in-progress. Go to Retro, that will help a lot. If you stick with it and work on the exercises together you'll both have much better insight into what the other is thinking and feeling.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks for checking in on my thread Adam. Just wanted to offer my encouragement for you as well.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hey Adam - just catching up.

Looks like things are going well for you. Keep.it up, it's always great to see positive signs. smile

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journaling

Tried to do this since Fathers Day several times. The internet ate my words up a couple times. Other times I felt like I had a mental block in trying to express what I had been feeling. Like I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Then the opportunities to have some down time are fewer these days.

This year will be 15 married, 25 years together, and in 2 months it will be 1 year from BD.

If you would have asked me 10 years ago if I ever thought I would get BD'd, I would have naively said no. And post BD, if you would have asked me if I ever thought I would be here, I would have naively said no.

So where is here? Continuing from the last update, W and I are what I consider progressing. I say that very loosely. It's been a couple weeks since last update and W has asked me to move in to the new house and one night she was moving clothes from one side of the closet to the other and I happened to walk in and I asked why all the moving. She said it was for me, and I told her she didn't have to do all that moving that night and she replied without hesitation that she didn't mind doing it and that she loved me. We both paused and she gave this smile like okay, this is it. It's real. So ever since, she has been able to tell me she loves me again when we sleep, wake up, sometimes random times throughout the day.

With W mother over for the summer to help watch the boys, W and I both wake up super early in the morning to go work out at the gym at our work. I'm up by 4am, workout, work, get home, and we eat, spend time with the boys and make effort to spend time together. Couple days ago, we went on a date night. Both our boys spent a night at their cousins. After date night and a few drinks we headed home and crashed early. In the past, I would have expected sex from something like this and I was good with the way things turned out. There have been so many moments, I could have expected something and not voiced it or I could have acted a certain way from the past but I didn't. I don't. I haven't purposefully written a list but its a pretty lengthy one on how I changed. I notice when I am in the moment. If she says something that could have sparked a different reaction out of me, I am patient and cool headed. I have been listening to a lot of John Gottman and not only controlling emotions but controlling physiology is important as well. So I had been working on emotional control , controlling those flare ups, impulses etc from BD. I am a work in progress on both emotional control and the physical.

When I want something and if its that important to me, I talk to W about it and I encourage her to do the same so that we don't harbor ill feelings or become passive aggressive. W has also said when I moved in, she noticed I placed my shoes on top of the dresser once or twice and she didn't say anything at first but then told me it bothers her because its shoes and they could have anything on the bottom of them. I have no idea why I placed by shoes on the dresser except that sometimes I take my workout shoes out of my gym back and place them on the dresser. I could see her point. Because I care about what she has to say I cleared all my mess. She is a neat freak and I am the slob. She says she didn't make a stinker about it because she has seen me change in so many ways and she notices how I am with other parts of the house. We do laundry together, we split our fair share of the house work and also the 50/50 split helped us continue that schedule while we are both at home. One week I help the boys with the bath or put them to bed and the other week she does it. Some nights if I am tired she will or if she is tired I will.

W and I haven't scheduled Retro. She is willing to do MC. Her Medical Records did come in but they weren't full records and her ovarian cyst was from 2017. Along with her breast cysts. At the time I must have been unaware or not in tuned with what was going on with her. These records weren't full records and only showed that she had been taking meds to control the size of it. I told her I know she loved me and it was important for me to see the medical records where it showed the doctor prescribed the BCP initially as treatment. She said she was a little disappointed that what they sent her wasn't good enough but she would get me the full records and she would tell them what she needed. Last week she said she left a second message with the office, which she had to do with the first set. So there is some effort she is willing to make. She doesn't know it, but the fact that she is doing this is the sign I wanted to see and not so much what is on the initial record. I could tell her it would be unnecessary, but since its in motion, I will let it play out.

W and I do have or conflicts. There have been a couple but nothing big. I mention this because I don't want people to think that because it seems like we are working on the relationship that its conflict free. On the contrary. It's how we approach one another and the willingness to listen, validate, and try to resolve the issue. I don't approach her saying things are her fault. If there is something that bothers me, I express how I feel with the I feel this way when this happens. We try not to use the words always or never. She catches herself sometimes saying that and backtracks and says that's unfair and is not what she meant to say so she is working on some parts of her.

As for intimacy, its steady. I don't want to get too graphic or give too much info but sex is good. Sorry in advance if too graphic... Sex ranges from a few times a day to few times a week. She sometimes initiate and I mostly do. I make sure she is satisfied first if not several times. Sometimes if I ask , she'd be willing and we would have a quicky. Other times it could be an hour to hour and half. When its like that, I don't know what is wrong with me. Its like my mind shuts down and we're just having sex. It was like that a few times and I started to trip out where we could have sex for an hour and she would get hers and I wouldn't be able to. Like there is a mental block. There is something psychological behind it and it doesn't happen all the time. I'd stop and we continue later and that's when I'd be good.

W and I aren't on the same wavelength yet with reading or watching self help stuff. We had a discussion on that and she said she is open to both of us watching something together but wants to check the self help stuff on her own time. She said she felt pressure from me when I asked her if she had done any of that. She said she will in her own time and she didn't want to do anything because I was trying to force her into it especially with self help because that infers something, like I'm trying to point out her faults to fix. I expressed that wasn't what I intended because with Retrovaille I heard that we would go back for exercises and I wanted to know if she would be on board with wanting to do the home work. This she said she would. So I think overall we are trying to hear and understand each other better. I also am working on being patient.

Since Mother In law is living with us, we are going to church every Sunday now. W holds my hands a lot on the drive and in church. We are both happy to go and our boys are happy, although my youngest one says he gets bored and doesn't understand what is going on.

We talked about the apartment. She wants me to break the lease but I said I wasn't sure. She said why not give it 6 months. She says she knows what she wants and that its us as a family and she knows it will be tough and rough but she is committed to making it work. I told her I want to be patient, hence keeping the apartment. I am actually at the apartment now where my PC is. I leave and go out every now and then. Sometimes coming to check the apartment or clean it up and head back or go out to the mall here.

The other night my oldest son wanted to link a Microsoft account to hers and I helped do that and set up everything on her phone because she didn't know how. Again I had the list of her passwords and apps. She not once hovered or was keeping tabs on me to checking her phone. The Microsoft account she has was also for skype. I don't purposefully go through her phone but if its something like this, I would skim the info or see if anything was just odd and I get no red flags.

W and I also communicate via texts more daily now. I am trying to build that emotional road map with her by letting her know I am thinking of her. I am asking how her day went. If she needs anything. She texts me in the mornings asking about me. She thanks me for the talks we had. She didn't go to the lake house with her boss and said she didn't go because of me. She knew I didn't care if she went but they did a half day at her boss's house in town with the ladies from work. W expressed that when I listened to her unloading about work, it was very important to her and she really appreciated it. She said it was really a big thing for her.

My brother in law also works out at the same gym my W does also early in the mornings so she would send pix of him or if he comes visit he would say he saw her. He is also the head IT guy at her company and she has two sisters working with her who knows we are trying to recon.

The guy who she used to text a lot at work, they still communicate when there are issues. Sometimes by phone and I noticed she does talk to different people at different terminals pertaining to her work. When this guy's name came up on the phone she looked at me and said sorry. She knows I don't like what happened in the past with not knowing or feeling like something could be going on that's fishy with him or anyone. She said sorry, its work and took it and they spoke to resolve an issue. I got no red flags from her behavior or from listening to how he spoke to her. Everything and every call she has been right next to me to take when dealing with emergency issues from work. no red flags.

I know I am not out of the woods yet. I don't proclaim it and am taking it one day at a time.

One last thing, her boss's H recently said he wanted a Divorce and bomb dropped the boss. So W is seeing what its like with what her boss is going through.

I think I covered most of what has been going on. I'm just another average guy trying to live the best he can and live right, there is no magic bullet to it. There are no guarantees. If W was to BD me again tomorrow, I'd be alright this time around. I live in the moment. I embrace all my emotions and don't let any one get me to acting emotional or crazy. We as men have to be stable and in control of our emotions. I couldn't tell you what caused my W want to come back to work on the marriage. It could have been several things lined up or everything had to line up. And still, there are no guarantees...

I tried to do the work, read and soak in practices, stand my ground, not be a pushover to her, squelch that disrespect, be upbeat and be a great father to my kids. Sometimes none of this matters to them.

I think its too soon, but I brought it up to my W that maybe we should discuss where we are at with our children because the last talk was about D. Now she wants to reconcile, do I remain patient and let things play out the way they do for a while or do we have another talk with the kids so they aren't confused? They love both of us working it out as a family.

Time to go have dinner with the family.

Please keep the posts coming. I feel like this could be a pivotal time. I've made the decision to move forward and try to be the best me possible but if you think I am going too fast or should be doing something differently, feel free to chime in.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Adam,

Give it time. When she is sure, she will tell you she wants to sit down with kids and update them. Until then, it may be too much pressure.

I don't think you're moving too fast. Have you talked to friends or clergy in real life? What do they say?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Congratulations Adam. It sounds like you are doing a great job. You are an inspiration to me. You give me hope.


M: 22, T: 27
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Updating,

Ovrrnbw, patience feels like one of those things where no matter how much you practice or have, you will need more of and I am always trying to be more patient. I haven’t spoken to anyone else really about my sitch other than coming here. No clergy. I am not Catholic and haven’t converted over. Thought has crossed my mind to convert since we go every Sunday now.

D, thank you ... Let me say that this is an uphill battle with an unknown outcome. All I can do is try to be the best me day by day trying to be a good person and ultimately her decision to come back is her own.

So I have been away for a while trying to DB this thing. I been at the house living there. The apartment just sits there with some of my clothes and I’ve gone back and forth sometimes to get space and take care of bills etc. Where I last left off my W wanted me to move in and I did.

In June we took the kids to Legoland in California and my youngest son overcame his fear of flying. We were all so happy for him. The place was beautiful and we all had a great time.

W and I have said we enjoyed this last month being together. She said she likes being with me alone doing our thing. She said she is excited to plan for our anniversary in a few months. She said it was easier to talk to me about anything and she didn’t feel like she was on pins and needles or that I would judge her. We’ve gone on a couple of date nights. So everything seemed to be going okay. I was being patient and didn’t push for immediate marriage counseling. She doesn’t seem ready like taking the bull by the horns type ready doing the searching and basically doing the work. So I haven’t been controlling or forceful, I still have my guard up. W and I have slowly started to open up more about our feelings...

I did bring up to my W there was more to that day of BD than she admitted and I needed to get over that hurdle. So yesterday, she has a Snapchat coming in from a close friend when we were standing close together at a restaurant and she didn’t check it then on her watch, I turned around to do something and turned back and she was in Snapchat on her phone with another lady. She told me what the lady was doing and showed me a picture. I asked about the other person who is her friend and asked what did she send. She said she already looked at it and couldnt retrieve the picture because as you know, that’s how it works if it isn’t a story , I guess... I am not a SSM person. Later she noticed I was kinda quiet and asked me about it and if I was okay. I expressed to her at home that I felt like when the snapchat came in on the watch , that she waited to view it until later, which immediately made me think she was being secretive. She said she didn’t mean to be secretive. As she was leaving the room I asked for her phone passcode and she gave it to me so I decided to look at a couple of numbers. She left the room and later came back. She realized I had a copy of a phone record of the time she said she texted her other friend on BD to say our marriage is over. So I was matching the number she texted to the number of the lady friend on her phone directory and no match. The phone number wasn’t even in her phone so I called it in front of her and she asked me to hang up and she would tell me the truth...

It turns out day of BD she had lunch with a guy, a client who has been picking her up several times throughout a few months to go to lunch and ask for business which she said she gave. I asked questions on if there was an EA or PA and she denied that saying they no longer talk and it has always been about business. She said she knew it would look bad and panicked that day so covered up with the lie and she said she came close to telling me the truth several times but it didn’t happen. I packed up my clothes and said I was going to the apartment and told her I was disappointed that she kept this lie going on this long and I was hurt and angry that it was only when I was going to bust her in a lie that she decided to come clean and it wasn’t on her own free will. So I left and I told her I would need to think about this whole thing and do a reset with the kids with her this week and next week they be with me. I had her tell my older son what happened and she told him and said she was the reason why our family was breaking apart because she lied to daddy about being somewhere and she was with a guy.

A lot of thoughts were flooding in. Is the house my home, am I doing the right thing or am I being punitive? It’s hard to tell sometimes. Later that night when I was in the apartment we talked more on the phone.

A few take aways was she said she finally felt good to get it off her chest because she felt guilty for lying to me but she was scared of what I would do. I hated the way I found out and it feels like I can not trust her with anything but I love her and think I make it too easy to forgive her. She is sad and angry at herself and has said she doesn’t know how we can bounce back from this because now I have a name and would always think she wanted out because of this guy

My W didn’t want me to unload my clothes to the new apartment. She also said she wasn’t sure what would happen with us mostly because she felt like I was using the kids and she didn’t want to see me get angry one week and say I’m taking the kids back to the apartment and the next week I am back at the house, she didn’t want to do that with the kids.

Was late last night and she didn’t want me back at the house that night because she didn’t like herself and she was feeling some sort of way at me about the kids, but I told her since she said this was OUR home and I had been there a month, I was going back that night and if she didn’t like it she could sleep in anther room. I told her I was not leaving to quit the family.

So I went home and slept in the MBR next to my wife and we woke up and she laid in my arms. We got up and talked more. She knows she can’t reassure me that no EA or PA happened but she said she is relieved now to tell me what actually happened that day. She got ready to go to church and asked me to go. I went and she later said she was thankful I went to church because it meant a lot to go as a family, where we could work this out as a family.

And here I am...

Any advice is appreciated.

I don’t know if I mentioned it above but I asked my W about the find me app and she said when she tried to turn it on there was an error but she will try again. Told her with all this going on it’s a little disappointing. Also I asked her to write a no contact letter to this guy and do a no contact call. Told her to google it. She said she will do it but she hasn’t communicate with this guy in a long while. Would the no contact letter/ call be best in this scenario ?

I am thinking about going thru the call logs to confirm she hasn’t contacted or been contacted by his number after that day or from any number from his company that’s on his LinkedIn account.

If I find something and we go thru this again with her lying, do I go back to the apartment and resume the 50/50 split or do I stay in the MBR in the new house?

Btw, we are together a lot more. On weekdays, we text throughout the day. She tells me her work schedule and if she will be out to lunch and with who. She said like a week or two ago she was meeting with two people from another company. A lot of the current stuff, there aren’t red flags except how she is handling the past up to BD.

Am I making this too easy for her and what could I be doing differently? Always open to advice. Thanks again.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
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My opinion is that if you want to be married to your wife, you have to trust her.

Originally Posted by Adam04
Updating,

Ovrrnbw, patience feels like one of those things where no matter how much you practice or have, you will need more of and I am always trying to be more patient. I haven’t spoken to anyone else really about my sitch other than coming here. No clergy. I am not Catholic and haven’t converted over. Thought has crossed my mind to convert since we go every Sunday now.

D, thank you ... Let me say that this is an uphill battle with an unknown outcome. All I can do is try to be the best me day by day trying to be a good person and ultimately her decision to come back is her own.

So I have been away for a while trying to DB this thing. I been at the house living there. The apartment just sits there with some of my clothes and I’ve gone back and forth sometimes to get space and take care of bills etc. Where I last left off my W wanted me to move in and I did.

In June we took the kids to Legoland in California and my youngest son overcame his fear of flying. We were all so happy for him. The place was beautiful and we all had a great time.

W and I have said we enjoyed this last month being together. She said she likes being with me alone doing our thing. She said she is excited to plan for our anniversary in a few months. She said it was easier to talk to me about anything and she didn’t feel like she was on pins and needles or that I would judge her. We’ve gone on a couple of date nights. So everything seemed to be going okay. I was being patient and didn’t push for immediate marriage counseling. She doesn’t seem ready like taking the bull by the horns type ready doing the searching and basically doing the work. So I haven’t been controlling or forceful, I still have my guard up. W and I have slowly started to open up more about our feelings...

I did bring up to my W there was more to that day of BD than she admitted and I needed to get over that hurdle. So yesterday, she has a Snapchat coming in from a close friend when we were standing close together at a restaurant and she didn’t check it then on her watch, I turned around to do something and turned back and she was in Snapchat on her phone with another lady. She told me what the lady was doing and showed me a picture. I asked about the other person who is her friend and asked what did she send. She said she already looked at it and couldnt retrieve the picture because as you know, that’s how it works if it isn’t a story , I guess... I am not a SSM person. Later she noticed I was kinda quiet and asked me about it and if I was okay. I expressed to her at home that I felt like when the snapchat came in on the watch , that she waited to view it until later, which immediately made me think she was being secretive. She said she didn’t mean to be secretive. As she was leaving the room I asked for her phone passcode and she gave it to me so I decided to look at a couple of numbers. She left the room and later came back. She realized I had a copy of a phone record of the time she said she texted her other friend on BD to say our marriage is over. So I was matching the number she texted to the number of the lady friend on her phone directory and no match. The phone number wasn’t even in her phone so I called it in front of her and she asked me to hang up and she would tell me the truth...

It turns out day of BD she had lunch with a guy, a client who has been picking her up several times throughout a few months to go to lunch and ask for business which she said she gave. I asked questions on if there was an EA or PA and she denied that saying they no longer talk and it has always been about business. She said she knew it would look bad and panicked that day so covered up with the lie and she said she came close to telling me the truth several times but it didn’t happen. I packed up my clothes and said I was going to the apartment and told her I was disappointed that she kept this lie going on this long and I was hurt and angry that it was only when I was going to bust her in a lie that she decided to come clean and it wasn’t on her own free will. So I left and I told her I would need to think about this whole thing and do a reset with the kids with her this week and next week they be with me. I had her tell my older son what happened and she told him and said she was the reason why our family was breaking apart because she lied to daddy about being somewhere and she was with a guy.

A lot of thoughts were flooding in. Is the house my home, am I doing the right thing or am I being punitive? It’s hard to tell sometimes. Later that night when I was in the apartment we talked more on the phone.

A few take aways was she said she finally felt good to get it off her chest because she felt guilty for lying to me but she was scared of what I would do. I hated the way I found out and it feels like I can not trust her with anything but I love her and think I make it too easy to forgive her. She is sad and angry at herself and has said she doesn’t know how we can bounce back from this because now I have a name and would always think she wanted out because of this guy

My W didn’t want me to unload my clothes to the new apartment. She also said she wasn’t sure what would happen with us mostly because she felt like I was using the kids and she didn’t want to see me get angry one week and say I’m taking the kids back to the apartment and the next week I am back at the house, she didn’t want to do that with the kids.

Was late last night and she didn’t want me back at the house that night because she didn’t like herself and she was feeling some sort of way at me about the kids, but I told her since she said this was OUR home and I had been there a month, I was going back that night and if she didn’t like it she could sleep in anther room. I told her I was not leaving to quit the family.

So I went home and slept in the MBR next to my wife and we woke up and she laid in my arms. We got up and talked more. She knows she can’t reassure me that no EA or PA happened but she said she is relieved now to tell me what actually happened that day. She got ready to go to church and asked me to go. I went and she later said she was thankful I went to church because it meant a lot to go as a family, where we could work this out as a family.

And here I am...

Any advice is appreciated.

I don’t know if I mentioned it above but I asked my W about the find me app and she said when she tried to turn it on there was an error but she will try again. Told her with all this going on it’s a little disappointing. Also I asked her to write a no contact letter to this guy and do a no contact call. Told her to google it. She said she will do it but she hasn’t communicate with this guy in a long while. Would the no contact letter/ call be best in this scenario ?

I am thinking about going thru the call logs to confirm she hasn’t contacted or been contacted by his number after that day or from any number from his company that’s on his LinkedIn account.

If I find something and we go thru this again with her lying, do I go back to the apartment and resume the 50/50 split or do I stay in the MBR in the new house?

Btw, we are together a lot more. On weekdays, we text throughout the day. She tells me her work schedule and if she will be out to lunch and with who. She said like a week or two ago she was meeting with two people from another company. A lot of the current stuff, there aren’t red flags except how she is handling the past up to BD.

Am I making this too easy for her and what could I be doing differently? Always open to advice. Thanks again.

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