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AndrewP Offline OP
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New thread time. I'm not actually much of a David Bowie fan, but it seemed appropriate. The last one only lasted a month but lots was discussed.

Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2851576&page=1

The journey continues. Navigating life as a middle-aged guy in a new relationship with the obligatory crazy ex-wife. Or at least we assume she's crazy.


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She must have been crazy to dump a guy who cooks and does his own laundry!!!!

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And I will just say, re: B and whatever her retirement status is - she should make plans AS IF you might get hit by a bus and she has to figure it out on her own. She should be saving for her retirement if that is needed (sounds like it will be) and not assume you will always be there to help out (because you might not be).

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Agree with kml. Your XW was absolutely insane to have walked away from you. I also agree re the finances. It won't matter who I end up with, if anybody, I will always have to look out for my own financial well-being.

Just like all of us, really.


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Originally Posted by AndrewP
New thread time. I'm not actually much of a David Bowie fan, but it seemed appropriate. The last one only lasted a month but lots was discussed.

Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2851576&page=1

The journey continues. Navigating life as a middle-aged guy in a new relationship with the obligatory crazy ex-wife. Or at least we assume she's crazy.


Oh Andrew, you are so cute and you make me smile. You do NOT have the obligatory crazy ex-wife. I'm sure some others here could tell you some crazy ex-wife stories that would make your toes and your hair curl. You, my friend, have an ex-wife behaving pretty normally and a desire to know what she's thinking, doing, wondering.

Sounds like you and B are adjusting nicely and I'm so glad for both of you. Happy is a good place to be for sure.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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^^^^what dawn said. Your ex wife luckily isn’t crazy. She does exactly what an ex wife should Sox stay away and not stir up trouble. M’s ex wife is seriously certifiable. I think M would give his left arm to have an ex W like yours.

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Trying to get back on my old twice weekly posting cadence.

Things continue to be good with some bumps and wobbles. I am taking next week off to relax and get some stuff done around the house. There are some meetings at work that I perhaps should be attending and may get called in for but I think that I can safely skip them as I will be attending the earlier set this week.

I continue to struggle to define myself within the company now that we are more or less fully post reorganization. My direct boss is useless and provides no guidance other than wanting me to not participate in some strategic projects. The two company presidents have requested that I do so and they win - but the conflicting priorities are challenging.

As someone who essentially provided supporting IT services the company being 1/3 the size but with roughly the same size IT department makes it pretty obvious that I need to reimagine my role. I've been doing fairly well at that with our Sulphuric / Alkali business where I am now "in the room" where strategic decisions are being made and think that there is a possibility that my role may expand in to sales / account management. We lost our single salesman a few months ago and he's not been replaced and I am now involved with most of the meetings with our largest customer along with working with plant and production people on ensuring smooth flow of orders. For our Plastics business I'm not quite so involved but still work closely with them on supporting the sales cycle and production.

My brain knows that I'm undoubtedly fine but I can't help but have the feeling like I've had for the last couple of years that there is a lot of risk going on.

There is also some very clumsy politics being done by my colleagues who also feel this risk trying to make sure that they aren't left standing when the music stops. Rumours that my immediate boss is going to retire "any day now" continue to increase and I am at least in my own mind the obvious replacement but still .... Nothing is certain in this life.

----------------

S24 is now the proud and somewhat nervous owner of a modest car loan cosigned by his mother. He did ask me to review the add-on services and warranty that the dealer tried to sell him as a matter of course and agreed with my suggestion that they weren't necessary. Had his mother requested that he ask me? Who knows. I expect a significant increase in her presence because now that he has a car he has to practice up for his licence. I'm presuming that he is on his mother's car insurance too.

I will confess that my primary feeling is one of relief that this financial burden wasn't placed on me. I would have accepted it but it's nice that she's stepping up. The "why" could certainly be debated but the results are ones that I am in favour of.

The car is I believe supposed to be available on Tuesday.

------------------------

Navigating co-habitation continues well with both expected and unexpected bumps. I'm not too surprised after my initial assessment of B based on her car that I do spend a bit of time going behind her closing cupboard doors etc. We joke about it but one of the cats did get shut in to a cupboard the other day. I think she's trying harder.

The Battle of The Kitchen continues. B has lived her entire adult life since the age of 19 being the sole possessor of "her" kitchen. While she expresses resentment that she was never helped and does appreciate my "help" I think it's just really really weird for her. As it is for me. Last night she took a break from doing dishes to have a cup of tea and I just automatically took the plates from dinner and started washing them. Her reaction was to insist that she would do that but I persisted. Things are migrating from the drawers where they lived for many years to other drawers as well.

Even though we joke about it, I am treating this as a very serious thing. I'm not going to give up my "rights" to cook and clean and enjoy myself in the kitchen and so am standing firm on these boundaries. B has also asked me to show her how I like doing the dusting which I think is much more thorough than she is used to. But she is also used to managing a household with 8 people and 2 dogs in it and in a much smaller house. Perhaps dust doesn't get as much chance to settle there.

The cats are joked about but are a definite source of irritantance for B. She talks regularly about S24 moving out to a place where he can take his cats with him. Completely understandable and also one of my own wishes. Her main argument is that pets tie a person down but she is used to dogs. Again, I stand firm on the fact that S24 can stay here as long as he wants and if he moves out and "the girls" are left behind that's fine with me.

TBH - The presence of B and her encouragement of S24 to be independent is undoubtedly a positive thing. As "dad" S24 can more easily dismiss what I say and yes - he's comfortable enough to sometimes be a bit rude. B, being someone "outside" the manners ingrained in to him oblige him to be cheerful and pleasant. B is well aware that this is tricky waters and I believe was one of her big worries in getting involved with me as S24 is a rather large and hairy set of baggage.

-------------------------------

B and I regularly talk about our former marriages which I find somewhat uncomfortable but does allow us to explore things about each other that might not have been obvious. One thing that B was confused about because it is so outside her experience for a man was the fact that I hung on to hope for so very long even after I knew about my wife's affair. I saw a change in her expression and understanding though in that I was someone who wouldn't easily give up on a person that they cared about which I think she likes.

----------------------------

Sleep and "ahem" bedroom related activities are continuing to be navigated. I've redacted the two paragraphs I'd previously written but will just say that things are very very different for both of us. Especially me. B gets up at 4:00. We go to bed around 8:30, get to sleep an hour or so later, she comes over sometime between 2:00 and 3:00 for a half-hour cuddle and then the alarm. She gets home early and so has a nap from time to time but this old dog is dragging. She's away this weekend to the cottage with her girl-friends and I'm looking forward to being able to stretch out and get caught up on my sleep.

----------------------

Overall we're very happy still. Pretty much all of her stuff has been moved in and is mostly sitting in boxes in the laundry room. We're keeping our eyes open I think and doing the best we can.


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It is hard to get used to having someone else in your space again. I have struggled with that a little as well and Sparky and I don't live together. We spend weekends together, but that is only 2 nights out of 7. Occasionally he will spend an extra night or 2 and if he has to work, it makes for an interesting morning routine, because he has to be AT work at 6:00 and I don't usually even get up until 6:00. Fortunately I'm a pretty heavy sleeper so after I am awakened by the alarm, I can typically go back to sleep quickly. The other thing is that he's a snoozer and I'm not. He sets his alarm then snoozes at least twice. I get up the first time my alarm goes off. When his starts going off somewhere after 4:30 and keeps going off until 5:15ish, that can be annoying.

Y'all will get it figured out. And, in the meantime, naps are good. wink


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Well - I'm exhausted. I also think that I hurt my right shoulder while sleeping on Thursday night. Yesterday I couldn't lift my arm hardly at all which made the day difficult and painful. It's slightly better today but not a lot.

A bit disjointed and rambly today.

------------

B's having a good time on her girl's weekend. Both surprisingly and unsurprisingly she calls and texts through the day. She left mid-day Thursday and I expect her back sometime later this afternoon.

I had been hoping to have dinner with an old friend on Friday which I think made B nervous because this friend happens to be a single woman. My friend has been going through a very rough time lately and I thought an evening out would cheer her up. It fell through though as she never got back to me on if she was actually ok with going out.

So on Friday night I watched "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote" which I found fabulous. So many things woven together from the book in to the story. The editing etc on the movie wasn't all that good and so unless you are also a fan of The Knight of the Rueful Countenance I'd suggest giving it a pass.

There were some heavy duty meetings last Thursday and Friday at work where I learned more officially that my boss will indeed retire this year with some people saying September. The new project is expected to go until at least next summer so I pretty much have at least a year's worth of job security. That's a good thing.

I did ask S24 how he and B are getting along and he was very positive about it. I did remind him that he has seniority and if there are any problems to please let me know. He gets his car on Tuesday I believe and we've more or less sorted out the parking situation. I wasn't asked about financing or insurance so presumably his mother is dealing with all that which is a relief that it's not another thing on me. I'm bracing myself for potential interactions with my ex as I expect her to help S24 with his driving practice. I think it will go ok. It's almost a full 3 years now since she moved out following roughly 4 months of in-house separation h@ll. Other than one "coffee date" in late November 2016 and the lawyer meetings I've not passed any words with that woman since. Where I might have had things to say to her years ago I can't think of anything that I would care to hear or say.

I expect that my ex would be pretty annoyed though if B offers to help S24 with driving practice which she may well do as she's done work early afternoon most days.

I did have a reconciliation nightmare on Thursday night which was tough. First one of those that I've had in a while. It was also weird sleeping alone again. I thought that it would be nice to have the bed to myself but I did miss B being there.

I ordered a bouquet for B last week and it's waiting for her on the dresser. The flower shop did a nice job of it. I just gave some guidelines about colour (oranges and yellows) and budget ($40). I feel bad a bit because I can't help but look at FSL, or even CL who has re-emerged to a degree and think "what if". I am committed to making things work with B though so need to put those thoughts out of my head. Even though FSL didn't do the bouquet herself she highly approves of B's taste in colours.

Now that we're connected on social media I did notice that B's STBX seems to be clinging on, commenting on a fresh made pie "my favourite" and interacting with the girl's weekend postings. B normally doesn't post original content. It makes me feel awkward. Almost as if I am an OM - which by some definitions I am. And that does bother me. B and I have talked about it a few times but I don't push her to get her divorce moving. It is literally none of my business. It will happen when it happens and until then I'll feel awkward. B has a specific timeline that she's talked about and it's still well over a year out before she's going to push. Whether he initiates it or not is anyone's guess but being as his current affair partner of a few year's standing has made no moves to move to Canada (she's in the US) and in with him I can't see his moving out of his paralysis.

Having been in the position of stalking my wife's social media and interpreting and overthinking everything I do feel bad for him. But if he wouldn't have cheated on his wife multiple times and rubbed her nose in it, perhaps he wouldn't be where he is. There was one picture of a grandson with cheesies sticking out of his mouth taken in my kitchen that he commented on with a "love you grandson" message. I decided to block him so that I don't see his interactions and also so that he won't be lurking around on my profile either. Not that I have anything to hide, but I don't want him stalking me either even if only online.

-----------------

It was a very productive day yesterday - and exhausting. I was going solid from about 9:00 am on. Lots of laundry done, I picked up a sheet of 3/4" plywood to build some more blanket boxes that B said we need and shifted the boat and utility trailers around so that the boat is more accessible to be worked on. Not bad with a bum shoulder although I did have to adapt so that while I had lots of strength in that arm, that I didn't lift it much. Unavoidable when hanging out the wash.

I did notice while cutting the grass that the northern part of my lilacs are now out. What glorious thing to see and smell.

I did sit outside for a while. First while BBQing a small steak for my dinner and then later with a book, fire and a beer. B "of course" called me on video chat with the other girls and I was teased for sitting out with a beer. While I was on the phone with them, 20S called and updated me on her medical condition. The good news is that they have figured out what her issue is and it's treatable. The bad news is that it is a life-long condition that she will have to manage. She said that her boyfriend is being very good through everything which is nice.

B's youngest son is going to stop by this afternoon dropping off a couch that was surplus from B's daughter who is moving. S24 helped me shift the old futon that was doing duty as a couch and filling that empty spot in the living room where the couch used to live before my ex took it in the first purge she did of the house.

B messaged me early this morning concerned about a book that one of her girlfriends is reading. It's from a faith based healer and she wanted my opinion. I did do a quick browse around and among the "this book changed my life - 5 stars" was a review on bible dot org which seemed to be a good scholarly review that basically said that the author was twisting scripture for his own purposes. I let B know that it didn't appear to be on the up and up but that she needed to form her own opinion. B and the other girls did a bit of an intervention, reading through parts of the book themselves and pointing out that the idea that you could be cured of hypoglycemia by having a Godly husband seemed a bit absurd.

B is herself Catholic although not practicing for many years. Even though I'm not a person of faith myself I have told her that I would certainly be willing to attend Mass with her. I think that her past partners weren't supportive at all. On the other hand B also believes in psychics which I'm skeptical about but I think she was surprised when I didn't dismiss them just saying that there's a lot in the universe that I don't know.

Well - I think I'm going to soak my tired muscles in the tub for a while. No ironing today I think as I'll do it on one of the rainy days forecast for this week. I hope to get some bedding plants in to the flower beds and planter today.

I have a lamb shoulder thawed that I'm going to put in the slow cooker for Sunday supper. I also picked up a butternut squash that I'll cube and bake.

B regularly makes spelling mistakes and her first message said homey husband rather than Godly. I am pretty good at the homey part. It's so nice having someone to spoil that really appreciates it.

Last edited by job; 06/09/19 04:22 PM. Reason: edited a word

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Flowers for your girlfriend when she comes home is out of a movie. I have never had a guy do something like that for me and B is really lucky. Hope you give her the chance to reciprocate as it seems like she likes to give as well.


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