I don't think meeting tonight is a good idea. He isn't going to approach this constructively, with either solid plans to D (which means him staying out of your house and giving you your key back!) or to R. It will just be more spewing or posturing or noise. And you've listened to enough of that already. You can be kind and respectful without having to eat up any more of his nonsense.
Yes I think you're right. Not sure I want yet another R talk right now. One WEIRD thing he said at one stage on the phone was 'why don't you come here tonight?' And I said 'where?' and I could have sworn he was going to say his flat. Lol. But then of course he didn't. But he nearly did. Talk about mixed signals.
OK, I will meet him tonight, there was too much prevarication from both of us not to stick with it. The activity will take the pressure off. I will listen and I will validate and if he says he wants to D I will say that's not what I want but he's an adult and makes his own decisions. And if he presses it I will say I'm not willing to make any sort of big decisions until the end of my project in December. I'm certainly not doing any of his dirty work when I'm going to be up to my eyeballs in work.
Talking of which, I really need to get on with some!
And another text. 'I still haven't calmed down. 2 days in a row' (because I told him both days that I was upset about the mess he left in the house, so he's feeling attacked, and possibly a bit guilty??). I said I that sounded hard for him and that it wasn't my intention to upset him, and if he wanted to cancel tonight then to let me know. He seems like he's blaming me for him not being able to focus on his work, he said that he's behind because yesterday I upset him by telling him I wasn't happy about the mess in the house.
His feelings are not my fault, and my feelings are not his fault. Goodness knows I have spent years now blaming him for me not being able to focus on my work and make progress, but I have finally come to the realisation that no matter what his behaviour, I can choose how to respond to it and that if I'm not making progress on my work then that's on me. It's been a hard lesson to learn, I can see how sometimes I even self-sabotage by allowing him to upset me and then not being able to focus. I have to grow from this and move past it. It's difficult, it's been literally years of this and spotting my unhealthy patterns is hard!
OK, so I texted him to say I was sorry he was stressed about work. And that I've been hit by a truck full of hormones and am not in a place for any serious talks tonight, I don't mind meeting up to have fun though but he can cancel if he wants to. Tonight is definitely not a good time for an R talk, for either of us. I don't regret putting in the boundary about my house though, that needed doing no matter how much pushback I get.
1) I see a lot of mind reading here. Trying to gauge how he is feeling, what he will want to discuss, what he is going to do. Mind reading does two things: keeps too much focus on him, and makes you prepare for things that may or may not occur. I've read a lot of sitches here and those that struggle the most do a lot of mind reading.
2) He is stringing you along. And it is time for tough love. All I can tell you is what would work for me. Maybe he isn't like me, as I've never left my W and MR. But I really liked Alison telling you to ask for the key back. I know that is a thorny issue and you aren't entirely comfortable with it. dilly, often times LBSs feel like GAL and detachment will push their WAS further away. Here is the thing, you have to decide if the crumbs this guy is willing to toss to you is what you are willing to live on. Or if you are worth more and that his crumbs are not worthy.
3) You seem really set on this event tonight. My guess is that you couldn't give a flip about the event, but you want to see him. Be in his presence. Have his attention. I say this because I remember in your OP you mentioned wanting to ask him to spend one night a week at home so that you didn't go an entire week without seeing him. WAY TOO ATTACHED.
dilly, are you in IC? I am wondering how someone could allow someone to treat them this way and still keep them in their lives? If I pulled half this crap on my W she would boot me out of her life in an instant. In short, he treats you this way because you let him.
Imagine the impact it would have on him if you changed the locks again. Cancelled all future "appointments" with him. Went dark on him (meaning you didn't initiate ANY contact, and only responded to his direct questions with short, to the point answers, (yes or no questions getting yes or no answers). If the thought of this makes your pulse quicken, causes you to breath hard, and you break out in a sweat, then you are selliing yourself short. Dillydaf will survive and thrive with or without this flake (and yes he is acting like a total flake) in her life!
Last edited by Steve85; 06/11/1912:38 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1) yes, I find it really difficult not to do this. Any suggestions? 2) yes, also true. Hmm, I just realised that he didn't give me either the car or house key...And no, the crumbs are ridiculous. I suppose I keep thinking that the crumbs will turn into crusts which will turn into a loaf eventually? Only they haven't, they really haven't. We don't spend much more time together than a few months after BD. Things haven't really warmed up. I think actually we're just both getting used to living without each other. Not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing. In some ways we might spend more proper time together than before BD, but the way he has prioritised his job over his family for the last few years is not healthy for anyone. Actually, I would be ok with not living with him if we went on holiday, had sex and saw each other weekends and 2-3 nights a week. That would work for me if it was decent time together. But he's not offering that. 3) kind of, though I went and had lots of fun. It was like a proper date, there were other couples there and we laughed with them and enjoyed ourselves. No R talks, nothing really, I told him about my weekend away and we chatted about the kids a bit and that was it, quick bite to eat and now I'm on the train home. I feel kind of detached from the outcome of this in a weird way but am still attached to him, if he's not being a totally rude inconsiderate arse he's quite good company and we have so much history together. I don't really know how to get unattached, he is my attachment figure and ripping that attachment apart is difficult (as we are finding, I'm sure he feels the same because I'm the only person he can talk to about most stuff) Also, I'm lonely. I have a bunch of friends but they have their families and jobs and lives and I'm important to them but only as a peripheral thing. I'm busy trying to make new friends and to go to the office and meet more people, but having worked from home for years this is difficult. GALing is pretty knackering and takes a lot of time. My teens are teens and although we spend some time together, they're doing the teen thing of hanging out in their bedrooms with the door shut most of the time. My H is probably the only person I see every week regularly. I like my own company but there is a limit. I don't really know what to do about this, perhaps if I did go dark then I would eventually fill in the gaps.
Yes, I am in IC. And believe it or not I am actually a lot more assertive than I ever was before. I'm stronger and take less crap. I got used to taking a LOT of crap over the years, it's a hard habit to break.
Yes, he is acting like a flake. Sigh. I don't know, I guess I am scared that if I do go dark that he'll take it as rejection and D me once and for all. But maybe that's what I need to do.
Anyway, dodged any R talks and had a really good time this evening. I'm not sure it was because it was with him either, weirdly. Maybe I just need to get someone to go on dates with to do stuff like this instead of him...
I'm glad it wasn't terrible, Dilly. And you know, you will be his attachment figure too, and he'll be having trouble letting go of you, even if it is what he wants to do. Which means nothing will change unless you change it.
I wonder if dating might do you good? It sounds like you're starved of affection, company, some flirting. It needn't be searching for another relationship, but some mildly non-platonic contact with a nice man who can be part of your GAL?
(This might be terrible advice, I don't know. I just hate to see you stuck.)
P.S I'm reading a book called Attached which is all about attachment theory in adults. There's a fair bit I take issue with, but it is interesting. I'm anxious and he's avoidant. I think you and H might be the same, even though our pursuer-distancer dynamic is the other way around...)
Yes, maybe. I'm not sure I could bring myself to go on a dating app though. I am quite a flirtatious person naturally. When I was away this weekend I chatted to plenty of men and got plenty of attention, it was really nice. One of them I was trying to hook my friend up with because I could see she was interested. Eventually I turned to talk to our other friend so she could talk to him but she didn't end up with his number. Afterwards I was telling her off for not being more flirtatious and she said 'but he only had eyes for you' and I told her it was because I'm a loudmouth, but I am pretty confident at talking to most people. I'm going to another couple of groups on Friday, maybe I'll do a bit more flirting then I feel weird flirting when wearing my wedding ring though, and when people ask me about my family and so on. I feel weird people seeing me as single and potentially a romantic interest. I'm easy to talk to but hard to get to know I think.
Anyway, I am turning my attention more towards what I will do with my life after this work is finished at the end of the year. I'm going to a networking thing next week, that would be good if I could meet anyone there who has some contacts or ideas about how I could take my ideas forward. If not, then fine, there will be other opportunities. Some may involve moving to another area, I'm not sure how I feel about that. Ds1 is finishing school next year and ds2 is starting GCSEs and is happy at his school, he would hate to move. I would really like to move but think I will stay put till ds1 has finished, maybe put the house on the market after my work finishes and then rent for a bit nearby to give me flexibility. If I did get a job further away H could move somewhere closer to here and look after ds2...
Just saw your last bit. I've always been the avoidant one and H has been the anxious one. Now he's the avoidant one and I'm the anxious one, I read that you inevitably switch to the other end in order to get to secure attachment! But maybe H is disorganised attachment, he has so many weird things going on given his abandonment history.
That's the problem with the theory, I think. I don't think people are 'wired' in one set way - or at least, that's not my experience. I am anxious with H, secure with a small handful of close friends, extremely avoidant with my parents... before H I had one significant relationship with a good man and I'd say we were both secure (until we both kind of lost interest, which was interesting...). H is obviously my primary attachment figure despite all my efforts at detaching, and my head is so anxious when I am in the room with him it drives me (and him, no doubt) nuts.
I feel weird flirting when wearing my wedding ring though, and when people ask me about my family and so on. I feel weird people seeing me as single and potentially a romantic interest. I'm easy to talk to but hard to get to know I think.