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#2851571 06/03/19 07:34 PM
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From last thread: Alison, your eldest sounds wonderful. I feel sad for your H that he is missing out on that, just as I feel sad for my H that he's missing out on my kids, especially youngest. He may be a teen and have his moments but he's fantastic. Also, my GP was hopeless beyond belief about hormone stuff but I came up with one idea with her (my suggestion, seriously I am not sure she has medical qualifications!) and will stick with that for 3 months before switching options (and a different doctor!)

Journalling: today I had another leap forward. Not sure why, I suddenly feel much lighter and more like myself. I've had these moments before and they have been wonderful but temporary but this feels kind of new. I feel more detached (it's a process I think, just like everything). I took ds2 to his activity this afternoon and we were joking about in the car and I did not feel that DRAG of sadness which has been underneath everything for, well, 9 months now. I was counting back to how long it's been since BD and it's almost exactly 9 months. I'm not sure whether this is related! Part of it is looking back and realising how far I've come emotionally, I no longer feel like someone has ripped my skin off. I no longer cry in the car, in the bus, in the train, in shops, in the street, in bed, in petrol stations. I can even suffer the odd R talk from H and still not feel like I'm falling apart. I can make plans for the future even if they don't include H.

I still love my H. I miss him. I would like to R. I would love to have a much better M with him. But for now, I accept how things are. I have scars from this utter heartbreak, which has been the most painful experience of my life. But those scars have healed and I am a much stronger person for it. And I'm capable of feeling happiness again. Feeling joy is one of my gifts, and I've been deprived of it for so long. I've had some very lovely times with friends since BD, but there has always been an undercurrent of heartbreak and loss underneath it all which has got in the way of enjoying myself fully. It's very nice not to feel it at least for a little while.

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So happy to hear you aren't in that place where it feels like your skin hurts!! Not to make this all about me, but I was smiling reading this post tonight. That joy and happiness you feel has been stifled for so long, how amazing that it's coming back to the surface. It's good to read a good update.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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It really is. I am so glad that you're feeling happy, Dilly. No matter what happens, you deserve it. You might have bad days in the future but when you do you can remember this feeling and know it will come back.

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Journalling: Obviously I didn't stay on this high today, but I feel pretty calm mostly. H texted me quite a lot yesterday because he wasn't out with work, today I just kept quiet other than texting him a funny photo of something I knew he'd appreciate. I know he's out with work every night this week. He was often out one or 2 nights with work before he moved out, now it's more often than not. It's almost like he's still running from something. The nights out with work got more and more frequent over the years because he prioritised his job over his family. That saddens and actually disgusts me, that his values are so out of kilter with his behaviour. The work socialising is not compulsory for career advancement. But hey, it's his life. If he wants to go out and get drunk and call it networking or career building (when he's already almost at the top) then that's his choice. I'm not anyone's plan B, even if plan A is making a ton of money he doesn't need.

I had a productive work day and am having an early night. I arranged to meet my new friend tomorrow evening at a group social thing, should be fun. I also arranged a few more things for the weeks to come, it's good to have stuff to look forward to. I'm still half thinking about moving house, but I will be patient for a while longer. Maybe this time next year.

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In a way, Dilly, it's like he is having an affair, isn't it? Perhaps not with another woman, but certainly with his work. I've done that. I didn't realise the effect it might have had on my family and my H until I started reading your posts. But it is a kind of infidelity.

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Appears he is running from himself, IMO. I could be wrong, but my H told me he was thinking about me and the sitch 90% of the time and it got to be too much. He was driving himself crazy. I noticed after he said that, he started taking extra jobs, buying more cows, working around here more. Pretty much anything he could do to stay 'busy'. It's hard to watch, but it's their journey, right?



I love how you make plans and have fun things to do. Looking forward to good things in your life is a huge milestone!! I don't know if you see it, but from my view, you are getting much better at detachment. Encouraging!!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Joined: Feb 2019
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The funny thing is, he's always said that he doesn't really like his job, and that he can't wait to retire. Cue being just a year or so away from being able to retire (assuming he doesn't get divorced) and here he is doing nothing but work stuff. It's pretty sad really. I suppose he doesn't know what else to do. He could GAL. I recommend it. I have always had tons of hobbies and interests! It's kind of like he's scared of what retirement might mean to his ego. I feel sad that he doesn't see the huge opportunities he could have ahead of him, but I suppose being scared limits your vision.

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Thanks hope, I do feel more detached actually. And I'm enjoying looking forward to stuff in the future, whereas before I was pretty scared of it actually. None of the things I plan are going to cause either R or D, so I might as well do what I fancy.

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We are in the same boat over here. Wow. It's crazy how similar our stitch's are. My H is full-out running. I don't think he knows quite what he's running from. I have some guesses.

That's the thing with GAL and doing what brings you joy. Healthy activities should never make one want a D or R more, you know? We should all be free to be ourselves, pursue hobbies etc without fear of retribution. That's where I land. I don't want a R that keeps me in bondage.

I was scared of the future for a bit. Sometimes still am. Work in progress. It's much more manageable. and for the most part, I just don't go too far out. But it doesn't paralyze me like it did in the beginning.

Cheers to growth.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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