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Together 16yrs Married almost 10 Separated Jan 19/2019
Me 39 Wife 35 Son 5 Daughter 8

Noticed wife distance and seemed resentful since June 2018

I'm a stay at home dad and we own small farm I work – gardens livestock firewood etc. She has a solid career.

We had been growing apart some due to busy everyday lives. We had argument in July 2019 and after pursuing her distance she stated she had resentments that I wasn’t doing enough domestic duties, not enough date nights, helping with kids etc. I took her concerns to heart wrote them all down and worked on the issues she brought up. For everything I did she seemed to push back with more resentment and distance.

In fall 2018 she seemed to start provoking issues to push buttons which would lead to arguments. I would bring up concerns and was feeling neglected on some issues and she would dismiss them. Sex became less interesting to her and she came home and started putting on really unflattering clothes which was a big change.
January came and we had another argument over resentment and that she was really not communicating with me about my concerns with her (including clothing which she did not like me bringing up). She brought up more changes I needed and I agreed to other things but the next night she came home and said she wanted to separate and went to Mom’s. Sends email saying it is all my fault, rewriting marriage history, loves me but not in love with me and its over. She took rings off a week later.

I pursued begged and pleaded for next month or two. Then read DR and being doing my best.
Month after sep. she says I was emotionally abused her…I asked what is that….she said because I made comments about her clothes/smoking etc. though I was genuinely concerned about her wellbeing.

In late Feb/March and since kids start talking about male coworker being around, first lunch, then dinner, then movie etc. Asked wife at beginning to separation about terms and she said no dating etc. Now everytime she has kids this guy is around. Guy started at her work when she became distant and she knew him previously.

She is extremely selfish, and angry. I am in a limbo minefield. Trying to make a kid sched is impossible as anything I say is wrong, I get little input, when I agree to something she then wants to change it again. Its draining me and I want routine and consistency for the kids. She is lying about a lot of things and kids are coming to realize her lying to, I see disappointment in their eyes.

She has not inititated anything with me legally wise, has said nothing about selling house, continues to pay all bills and will attend multiple weekly kids activities. We have had many meals after kids activities, a few meals at home, and odd family outings together.

She knows I want to reconcile but I have not brought it up since reading the DR book. I’m concerned about the kids as its been hard on them and the new man just seems more confusing for them and that she purposely has him around to hurt/spite me. I don’t ask her anything about new relationship.

As she is at Mom’s she has no responsibilities with kids as parents make meals lunches watch kids etc. Don’t think she is thinking about reality of situation or consequences of what’s to come for kids/finances/home etc. She is just thinking of herself and being free.

I have spoke with lawyer and getting all my documents ready. Ive been to ind. Counselling since separating. We did one session of marriage counselling where she said she would attend with open mind then went in and said she wanted a separation, no more sessions since.

I am hoping and praying she wakes up and sees the pain she is causing kids and I, the changes I’ve made ( and told me she has seen changes in me), and her relationship/infatuation with other Man falls apart ( he is out of long term relationship too- can’t see their relationship being very healthy)

Last edited by Flare180; 06/03/19 06:34 PM.
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Thanks Cadet,

I have been reading the boards for some time and have read all the links and threads. They have been extremely helpful.

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At this point I really do not know how to proceed as I feel controlled by her finances as being a SAHD, don't want to be pushed out of the house or lose anymore time with the kids.

I have been stunned by this and as have been focusing all my life on family/kids/house so I don't have any friends, so its been hard to Get a Life but have been spending time with family and focusing on kids as much as I can.

Last edited by Flare180; 06/03/19 06:56 PM.
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I have kept my ring on at this point as I believe in the commitment I made and do want to reconcile the marriage. I'm not sure to keep it on or remove it?

My thoughts were to keep it on for at least a year. I am not interested in others or dating etc anytime soon.

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I also did initially confront her about other man when saw her car at his place and she seemed embarrassed and guilty but said that they were just "friends". That was more than a month ago now.

He has also been out a few times and had easter dinner, mothers day dinner with In Laws, which seems weird on their part (kids told me this)

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She has been flip flopping on kid exchange schedule for a month now but she has trapped herself in her own words through email on the schedule she wants. I finally agreed to it and she now realizes she doesn't want it for the summer months. I want to hold firm ground but also don;t want to get lawyers involved/make things worse if there is any chance of reconciling.

Kids say when she had them she is just focusing on the other guy anyway and they are feeling left out. Though she has been disneyland parenting them and every time they come back home they have some new toy, been somewhere or ate at McDonalds as I think she feels really guilty.

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I'm a fan of taking the ring off b/c

1. You'll stop thinking about it so much
2. It shows them you aren't plan B anymore
3. Cheaters suck

Some will say to leave it on. But you said it right there - you want to reconcile. That doesn't matter unless she wants it too. So don't bother telling or showing her how badly you want to reconcile unless you just like adding pressure.

The OM went to Easter with your kids and in laws?

Originally Posted by Flare180
I don’t ask her anything about new relationship.
Lol, giving it that label gives her an awful lot of credit. I say don't call it that. It's an affair. She's married, remember?

Hold firm on the agreement with the kids, if it suits you. Getting lawyers involved doesn't mean things will get harder or easier for reconciling - you need to focus on what's best for you and the kids.

Quit worrying about her and the OM and focus on your detachment and GAL. You'll need to grow a lot before you two are ready to consider reconciling - and that may never happen anyways.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Thanks for the insights on the ring.

Yes I was there for Xmas and at Easter OM is there with kids and inlaws. For mothers day she, OM, the kids and inlaws, all went to a local restaurant for Brunch

You are correct it is an affair.

They have also been hanging out other times with her sisters/brothers.

Last edited by Flare180; 06/03/19 08:11 PM.
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Hi Flare, welcome to the community. Sorry about your situation. As you start reading the threads on the board, you'll quickly see how common they sound.

The excuses your W gave you, are extremely common for the W who wants out of the MR. At one time, she may have had reason to complain and/or needed more help......but now, no amount of extra help is going to change how she feels toward you. That has changed and it won't switch back overnight.

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In fall 2018 she seemed to start provoking issues to push buttons which would lead to arguments. I would bring up concerns and was feeling neglected on some issues and she would dismiss them. Sex became less interesting to her and she came home and started putting on really unflattering clothes which was a big change.


I suspect she was being negatively influenced about the MR, and she began looking for excuses to end it. She have had her eye on OM, or there could have been a friend or co-worker filling her head about how exciting the single life is. At any rate, she starts dropping words such as emotional abuse, and OM shows up to get better acquainted with your kids.

Is an affair a deal breaker for you?

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She has not inititated anything with me legally wise, has said nothing about selling house, continues to pay all bills and will attend multiple weekly kids activities. We have had many meals after kids activities, a few meals at home, and odd family outings together.

She knows I want to reconcile but I have not brought it up since reading the DR book. I’m concerned about the kids as its been hard on them and the new man just seems more confusing for them and that she purposely has him around to hurt/spite me. I don’t ask her anything about new relationship.


She's getting tips from friends about all her options, and how she can better benefit. Plus, the OM may not be a secure branch just yet. If you think she's selfish now.....just wait. Don't expect her to do the right thing, or to even be fair. Don't expect her to think logically, b/c she's too caught up in this new fantasy to think rationally. The fact she has not mentioned selling the house, or anything legal.......doesn't mean a thing!

I'm not sure why you are having meals together after attending some kid function. My suggestion is to pull back hard, and stop playing as if you one big happy family. It's fine to go to the kids activities, but you don't have to attend as a couple. She is replacing you with the OM! Why should she benefit from both men? Pursuing her is not what you need to do to get her back. Her mindset has changed and this is not the girl you M. She needs to feel the emptiness you leave behind. The LBH never looks so attractive as when he is walking away. Pursuing a cheater, is not attractive whatsoever.

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I am hoping and praying she wakes up and sees the pain she is causing kids and I, the changes I’ve made ( and told me she has seen changes in me), and her relationship/infatuation with other Man falls apart ( he is out of long term relationship too- can’t see their relationship being very healthy)


First of all, forget about doing those things she listed as a way to draw her from OM and back into your arms. The LBH cannot get good enough. I've seen some pretty spectacular changes in LBH's, but not enough to change the cold/hard heart of WW. At least, not those kind of changes. No amount of housework and playing Mr. Mom is going to attract a W that's closed her heart. She has lost respect for you as a man, and in order for her to realize she can love you again.........she's got to respect you, first.

Her thing for OM can fall apart, but she may go after OM#2. So, what do you do? You stop kissing up and find your b@lls, b/c it's going to get worse before it gets better. You set personal goals and breakdown how to achieve them. You start GAL (getting a life) like crazy....and one that does not include her. You improve yourself, ........for you, not as some formula to get her back, cause it doesn't work that way. Don't put life on hold.....hoping she'll return. Live as though you know you are going to be just fine.....with or without her.

Can't tell everything in one post. Read the homework Cadet assigned. Take care of yourself, physically, mentally, & spiritually. That is your number one priority.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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At this point I really do not know how to proceed as I feel controlled by her finances as being a SAHD, don't want to be pushed out of the house or lose anymore time with the kids.

I have been stunned by this and as have been focusing all my life on family/kids/house so I don't have any friends, so its been hard to Get a Life but have been spending time with family and focusing on kids as much as I can.


Did you grow up on a farm? Do you sell livestock or produce, or is the farm more of a preferred lifestyle you chose?

Whether or not this M is ever reconciled, you should never be completely financially dependent up a woman again. If nothing else, to protect yourself from being at the mercy of her hands. You need to make steps now, to get yourself out of this financial predicament.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Sandi

Really appreciate you taking the time to respond

Yes basically everyone she works with is divorced and she always had talked about them doing this and that, but is like facebook you never hear about the bad times - people only represent the good stuff. Her parents divorced too and not sure her mom particularly like me, whom she has been staying with.

Coincidentally her and OM ended their long term relationships at same time. Her phone seemed to be going off alot more before the separation.

I am not perfect either and an affair is not necessarily a deal breaker as long as it were to end and not reoccur. Ive always viewed marriage a commitment for life. People make mistakes and I can forgive if it is in the best of interest of the kids and I.

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Lost job just around time we had first kid/global meltdown. We decided together I would stay home as the cost of child care would eat most of salary. I was fine with that. I produced alot of our food with garden livestock and heating with our own wood which kept our expenses really low and were able to flourish financially with just one income but I didn't bring in much.
Was just looking for work again now smallest is in school. I still am trying to find something but as she keeps flip flopping on child schedule I dont know what days I will have kids. I have recently took a stand on the schedule and haven't budged, but she wants to change it come summer but I am pushing back hard to holding it where it is.

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I purchased our 10acres myself from prior employment and were married afterwards. It is a beautiful property and I built the home myself. OM is renting a dumpy house in town. I don;t understand the draw compared to what she is giving up.

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Originally Posted by sandi2
If you think she's selfish now.....just wait. Don't expect her to do the right thing, or to even be fair. Don't expect her to think logically


Does she even care about the kids at this point?

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Hey Flare,

Just reading your situation and see a lot of similarities in the way your W is behaving to mine - your timeline is pretty much identical too. OM has not been confirmed for me which is making it harder for me to detach but I know I must be patient and focus on GAL and the kids.

The ring question has come to the front of my mind too. W has took her ring off but says it’s not her real one (that is now too small) so isn’t the same thing! Thinking the symbolic act of removing mine may be a 180 and may help clear some of the dense fog in her head...

Anyway, all the best and hang in there.


H41 (me), W43
M10, Together 16
S18, D9

BD - Jan 19
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Flare. I love simple living and anything to do with wood. Especially cooking :-) Rooney I'm about seven to eight months in and I'm telling you right now you removing your ring or you even pushing for divorce will not clear her fog. All the experts and Veterans on here said it. Its probably going to take at least 3 things.

1.) You are willing to completely walk away, move forward with you're life from a place of indifference, name, status, lifestyle, home and all. Except kids. They are always you're main priority.

2.) You make changes 180's to yourself, for yourself, she learns to respect you, and you become the better option, deal, or more attractive to her in her eyes whether its with or without her. She has to view being with you as being more attractive than single life, or with OM.

3.) THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT. You are always emotionally calm, grounded, indifferent, unaffected at her attempts to manipulate you or $hit test you in any way shape or form. You are impenetrable to any of her antics. You are a leader, independent, cool, calm, and collected at all times. You are a man only a fool would leave or AMOAFWL whether she decides to return with complete and total transparency and humility or not. You do what is right for you and your kids, morally, spiritually, legally, financially, etc, you are not concerned with what your W does whatsoever, as long as it does not violate your personal boundaries which is meant to protect you and your kids. They will try to manipulate you and they or you won't even realize it, this is known as "cake eating" here. In other words they will try to attempt to play family when they want to separate from you and they will ask for favors but not give you anything in return. They will use the kids as leverage and try to get you to do things for them even though they want to separate from you. Learn the signs and negotiate them appropriately. She fired you as her husband so you need to treat her accordingly this is nothing more than a business deal at this point and your W and M as you knew it is dead.

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Originally Posted by IHCLACS

1.) You are willing to completely walk away, move forward with you're life from a place of indifference, name, status, lifestyle, home and all. Except kids. They are always you're main priority.


I am on the brink of this, just had no clue how long to remain consistent with our prior lifestyle as my concern has always been kids and did not want to disrupt everything in their life (home/school/friends etc) if I did not need too.

Originally Posted by IHCLACS

2.) You make changes 180's to yourself, for yourself, she learns to respect you, and you become the better option, deal, or more attractive to her in her eyes whether its with or without her. She has to view being with you as being more attractive than single life, or with OM.


I have been making personal changes and not just around the house, my counseling has helped, and was thinking if we were out to dinner after kids activities and such she would see (and she has said she has seen changes) but how do you show the changes when she spends so much time with OM and not myself.


Originally Posted by IHCLACS

3.) THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT. You are always emotionally calm, grounded, indifferent, unaffected at her attempts to manipulate you or $hit test you in any way shape or form. You are impenetrable to any of her antics. You are a leader, independent, cool, calm, and collected at all times. You are a man only a fool would leave or AMOAFWL whether she decides to return with complete and total transparency and humility or not. You do what is right for you and your kids, morally, spiritually, legally, financially, etc, you are not concerned with what your W does whatsoever, as long as it does not violate your personal boundaries which is meant to protect you and your kids. They will try to manipulate you and they or you won't even realize it, this is known as "cake eating" here. In other words they will try to attempt to play family when they want to separate from you and they will ask for favors but not give you anything in return. They will use the kids as leverage and try to get you to do things for them even though they want to separate from you. Learn the signs and negotiate them appropriately. She fired you as her husband so you need to treat her accordingly this is nothing more than a business deal at this point and your W and M as you knew it is dead.


I have been calm and collected since beginning of March. Took up coaching and she complimented me on it and the great job I did - was the first compliment in months. Thought dinner here and there would help her show what she is missing and she would be able to see changes in me. Also thought she was doing the dinner so that she could keep her eyes open for changes or prospecting to come back. But at the same time have been wondering if it is just cake eating,

Really tough times, what a roller coaster.

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Flare,

Just to add onto to the information that IHCLACS provided for you. Your M as you know it is dead. That does not mean you and your W can't create a new one. But no matter what happens the old M is gone forever. That M is the one we grieve and mourn for and keeps us in limbo. Let that M die so you can grow a new one. That is the only way forward, no matter if your W comes back or not. It's hard letting go of something we put some much work in, but in life in order to move forward and get better we must know when to let go. Letting go is not a bad thing, there will be something people telling you to hold on tight, just in case, but the truth is, your W doesn't want the old M, but she might just fall in love with the thought of a new one with YOU!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Thanks for the reply Joejoe

I have awakened to a lot of our issues and also realize we could not go back to the way things were. She knows I am in counselling and working to better myself. She also knows Id be willing to do marriage counselling to resolve our issues and forge a new dynamic.

By completely letting go I have to sell house and our acreage. In the end its just a property (but was our dream together). Uprooting the kids from their home/life/school/friends/ etc.seems to be holding me back the most as they are going through so much right now, having a tough times with things. I hate seeing them hurting and I don't want to disappoint them more.

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The other tough thing with letting is go is then I'm just lost. I'm not sure what I want as I have been focusing all my life on our family and property. My whole life is uprooted. Basically have to move in with my parents until I can find steady employment, as a SAHD I haven't worked for 8 years and not sure what I want to pursue. Then decide where I want to live and not sure where I want kids to go to school. All the while still having to deal with her and co-parenting, legalities etc.

So many other threads of similar women...do they ever find what they are looking for?.....does is end up being worth all the pain to their families/kids in the end?.....do they ever have regrets?

I am feeling by the responses and most other threads that the chances of her coming back are slim to nil.

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Flare,

TBH there's no conclusive numbers on restored Ms after infidelity. Most marriages go through some form of trauma and the outside world never knows. And after the trauma the couple stays together.

From reading an exhaustive amount of threads on this site, one dynamic that seems to shake most WW spouses, is being kicked to the curb, not literally, but what AS calls lovingly detaching. Letting go of your WS without being angry, resentful, revengeful and pursuing. When a LBS starts to walk there on path and building a new life away from there WS that starts the new awakening from what I have seen and read. Also, that awakening has came after the LBS has let go and put all their focus on themselves, after some form of separation. Be it, in-house, regular separation or D. There has to be TIME and SPACE.

You have a lot of questions you need to sit down and answer for yourself. If you want to keep the farm, fight for it. There are other SAHDs or fathers on this site that were the primary custody provider for their children and the got to keep their homes. Start looking for a job, prove to yourself that you don't need your WW to survive and thrive, it might be painful at first, you will make mistakes but you are going to be ok. Show your kids that their father is a strong, confident and loving man. Start building a resolve that you will not let this event in your life hold you back. Trust me, I have been here almost two years, I have seen all kind of sitches come thru this site. You are not alone!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Thanks for taking the time with the insights Joejoe.

Back to the detachment pages for me!

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I still am trying to find something but as she keeps flip flopping on child schedule I dont know what days I will have kids. I have recently took a stand on the schedule and haven't budged, but she wants to change it come summer but I am pushing back hard to holding it where it is.


In her mind, everything is about her, and the world should cooperate to insure her happiness. smirk
Set up a schedule that you see as fair, and stick to it. If it inconveniences her, she'll have to figure out an alternate plan, other than just expecting you to do whatever she wants. Her happiness is not your responsibility. Hope that will lighten your grief a bit.

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I have been making personal changes and not just around the house, my counseling has helped, and was thinking if we were out to dinner after kids activities and such she would see (and she has said she has seen changes) but how do you show the changes when she spends so much time with OM and not myself.


I hear this a lot from H's who have a WW. I get the idea he is doing 180's to get good enough that she'll pick him over the OM........or at least, want to return home. (I think of a peacock showing his tale feathers to impress the female.) Guess what? Those type of 180's are never good enough for the WW. Sure, she may notice them, but it doesn't change her heart. The type of 180's the H needs to do are those he is reluctant to do. Like, letting her go. Like, not allowing her to manipulate him. Like, not giving in to her demands. Like, going on with his life, as if she will never be a part of it again. Like, no pursuit, no availability, no attention for a WW. Like, getting respect. I could go on, but you get the picture. You see, these type of 180's are necessary to change the dynamics that were set in your MR.

Right now, you may not understand how these would work in getting her back, when it looks as if you are moving on with your life. That's why H's are reluctant, b/c they are afraid to let go. You have to let her go, before you can get her back, b/c there are things that need to happen. Currently, she's the one in charge and if affecting everyone's life. That's needs to change, where you are concerned. She'll probably still have some affect, but only you can limit how much. You limited your world to her and the kids. So now, your world feels threatened b/c you are losing her. Raising two kids and running a farm & home, it's easy to pour all your time & energy into it. First thing you know.....your world has become very small. (FWIW, there are some of us who would love to have a man who could build us a house! You sound like a man with many skills.)

There are no guarantees, b/c some WW's get M to some other guy. That's just a fact. Some LBH's move on and by the time his WW wants to work on the MR, he's done and is happier without her. For whatever reason, the farm/home life no longer holds her interest. IMHO, she has been influenced by the people at work, and she started resenting the dynamics in the MR. She's lost the respect she once felt. Now, she's complicated things by having an affair. It's not the first story like this, and won't be the last. Don't compete with OM. She is not the prize. You are the prize, so stop trying to win her.

Glad to hear about your coaching position. smile


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^^^ What Sandi said. Nothing more than a fair an equitible business transaction and custody. Emotionally investing yourself in the M is pointless.

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Sandi, thank you again for providing the time to respond with your insights and nice words.

I was at counselling today and she pretty much said same thing. Move on, let go, focus on myself and kids. Counsellor was shaking her head alot in a "no no" fashion about OM being around kids already and inlaw's having him over when kids were there.

Originally Posted by Sandi2
First thing you know.....your world has become very small.


Yes I recognize now my world is small and unfortunately I made it smaller after she left. I was highly involved as president of a couple local community groups and when she left I decided to drop them as I was an emotional wreck and wanted to focus all my time on self improvement, kids and repairing marriage. Sort of regretting that now but may get involved again just in a smaller role.

I took the kids to an activity the other night and she arrived later. I brought a chair to sit in. She came over and stood over my shoulder the whole time. I acknowledged her only when she spoke.

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Flare - not sure I can offer much advice as I’m still finding my way through this nightmare for myself - I feel like I’m grappling in the dark most of the time.

I just wanted to say Hang in there and keep doing things for you - I guess if we can all help each other through this, we might all learn some valuable skills that help us interacting with others as we go through life.

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Took off the ring today, it slid off easily with the 30lbs I've lost. Feel really naked, haven;t taken it off for nearly 10yrs. Not sure what to do with it, guess I will just lock it up for now. Made me cry.

Went around the house today and took down all the family photos which included her. House seems really bare. Kids will wonder whats up when they get home from school. Made me cry.

Explained to kids last night that there maybe some changes coming up....asked them what they thought about moving, changing schools, me getting work etc. They want to stay where we are at home and at the school they are at. They want Mom home. Told them I do to but wasn't sure If she was coming back.


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Yeah it hurts, taking the ring off, putting it back on, taking it off again. 7 months after 10 years and I still feel naked without it. The pictures too. It will subside. Every piece of change in a negative direction is going to make you emotional and reactive.. My best advices accept it for what it is and the current reality not from the past or the future, and keep moving forward

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Originally Posted by Flare180
Took off the ring today, it slid off easily with the 30lbs I've lost. Feel really naked, haven;t taken it off for nearly 10yrs. Not sure what to do with it, guess I will just lock it up for now. Made me cry.

Went around the house today and took down all the family photos which included her. House seems really bare. Kids will wonder whats up when they get home from school. Made me cry.

Explained to kids last night that there maybe some changes coming up....asked them what they thought about moving, changing schools, me getting work etc. They want to stay where we are at home and at the school they are at. They want Mom home. Told them I do to but wasn't sure If she was coming back.



I’m feeling for you. This must be a really hard part of the process. Try to remain strong and use the advice the good folk on here provide about looking after your kids and yourself. That’s number one priority.

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Took off the ring today, it slid off easily with the 30lbs I've lost. Feel really naked, haven;t taken it off for nearly 10yrs. Not sure what to do with it, guess I will just lock it up for now. Made me cry.


Big step........and a hard one. ((hugs))

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Went around the house today and took down all the family photos which included her. House seems really bare. Kids will wonder whats up when they get home from school. Made me cry.


I suggest you keep a family photo in each child's bedroom. Whenever you make changes in the rest of the house (removing photos, rearranging furniture, etc.) try to put forth a positive face.....for the sake of the children. If they see daddy sad over these changes, then they feel insecure. Daddy is strong, and they will feel protected through his strength & wisdom. Daddy does his crying in private, so as not to scare his children.

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Explained to kids last night that there maybe some changes coming up....asked them what they thought about moving, changing schools, me getting work etc. They want to stay where we are at home and at the school they are at. They want Mom home. Told them I do to but wasn't sure If she was coming back.


I can't imagine being so young and thinking my mom would not come home. Naturally, they want both parents living together. If that doesn't happen, then they need to be assured they won't lose either parent in their lives.

FWIW, my parents moved a lot when I was in school. I'm not just talking about moving to the neighboring school district. In one school term, I went to four schools.......from SW Texas to two northern states, to a southern state. Talk about culture shock! Things were very different back then, and the world was much bigger. I think, for me, it was like a new adventure. I never knew what it was like to live in the same location throughout my childhood.
Kids get clues by watching the parent(s) attitude. I have to give my parents credit for not showing grownup concerns to their kids.

I suppose I said all of that just to tell you that kids can survive changing schools and moving into a different house, as long as they feel protected & loved.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this terrible ordeal. ((hugs))


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Originally Posted by sandi2
[quote]

I hear this a lot from H's who have a WW. I get the idea he is doing 180's to get good enough that she'll pick him over the OM........or at least, want to return home. (I think of a peacock showing his tale feathers to impress the female.) Guess what? Those type of 180's are never good enough for the WW. Sure, she may notice them, but it doesn't change her heart. The type of 180's the H needs to do are those he is reluctant to do. Like, letting her go. Like, not allowing her to manipulate him. Like, not giving in to her demands. Like, going on with his life, as if she will never be a part of it again. Like, no pursuit, no availability, no attention for a WW. Like, getting respect. I could go on, but you get the picture. You see, these type of 180's are necessary to change the dynamics that were set in your MR.




Sandi, your posts are very insightful and help a lot. Thank you.

What you say about the 180s resonate with me. It has helped me get respect from my wife (at least some) but unfortunately for me dropping the rope meant letting her have the divorce she wanted. I saw some signs of her having doubt and what looked like reconnection (my thread is here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2849990#Post2849990) but the process went through because ultimately she did not take the step to stop it. For now I am not treating the D as the end of the relationship even if it legally ended the marriage. There is no OM in the picture and who knows if she will wake up.

Surprisingly she has started to 'play family' with me and the kids since the D. Guessing this is touch n go but things are moving fast and I need to decide whether to let her stay at home and cake eat or kick her out. I read through some of your other posts and it feels like I need to kick her out but if you can provide any insight it would help

Flare, sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread here. The removing ring and pictures is something I am going through and your situation resonated with me.

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Thanks Sandi for your time and thoughts. They mean more than you know. I did leave the photos up in the kids room, but all the others have been taken down.

Originally Posted by sandi2
[quote]If they see daddy sad over these changes, then they feel insecure. Daddy is strong, and they will feel protected through his strength & wisdom. Daddy does his crying in private, so as not to scare his children.


Yes I have been remaining calm around them as much as humanly possible. Took ring off, pics down and did my crying when they were at school.

Originally Posted by sandi2
[quote]I can't imagine being so young and thinking my mom would not come home. Naturally, they want both parents living together. If that doesn't happen, then they need to be assured they won't lose either parent in their lives.


My youngest asks every night when Mom is coming home and it breaks my heart every time. I have been reassuring both of them daily that we both love them and will always take care of them. My counsellor has provided me resources on dealing with the kids and I have read up and applying them.

Thanks again for you thoughts Sandi

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Had a great day with the kids today,, they were off school...fishing, park, ice cream, etc.

While I was packing kids stuff to go to Moms Daughter went out and sat in grass with a depressed face....didn't want to go to Mom's/Inlaws for the weekend. I comforted her but at same time made me feel good. I think my daughter is being a little put off by Mom spending so much time with OM when they go with Mom and wants that time for herself & brother. I know daughter wants me there rather than OM.

Did the kid exchange later today. Saw wife do a triple check of my wedding ring being off now. I didn't say anything other than answered her question about the kids day and then just walked away after hug/kiss to kids and got in my vehicle. Surprisingly a minute later wife opens my car door (I was paying attention to my phone) and say kids insist on another hug/kiss....I went and gave them one and pretty much ignored wife....it seemed like she was wanting me to acknowledge HER with 'have a good weekend' or something, like I normally would, but I just walked away.

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I have been reading the lighthouse thread and its states to

"set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives"
"be clear that the OP is to have no access to them"

Looking for advice as how i go about doing this without enraging angry selfish WW. I feel anything I say she will just push back harder and involve OM more just to spite me at this time. Inlaws don't seem to concerned about it either so that is also not helping.

WW has been involving OM every time she has the kids.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

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Flare180. I really can't imagine what goes in through your's and every other LBH's with a WW. It must be agonizing. I have my own suspicions, but no solid proof. Is it only me, or does most LBH and LBW think like this? ? When a WAW or WW or even a WAH leaves a marriage, its more than a betrayal. Its a trifecta to the LB Its a divorce, and legal bantering and bartering. It affects you, and it affects the kids and the family unit.

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Thanks for taking the time to reach out IH.

Despite the agonizing and pain, still want her and my family back reunited. I'm bewildered as why she would not want to work through our issues when we have built this life and family together.

I'm having a real tough time trying to detach.

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I have been reading the lighthouse thread and its states to

"set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives"
"be clear that the OP is to have no access to them"


If you are physically separated, you can't set boundaries like those ^^^^. In some divorce cases, you are able to state that no OM spend the night when your children are present......and if the judge approves, then she has to stick to it or risk losing the kids. IDK about separations, but if this is not a legal separation and the two of you just set the terms......then I don't think you have power over who she brings around the children.

Here's the thing. If you were to tell her that OP is not to be around your kids, and then you find out he has..........what would/could you do? Boundaries have no effect if there are no consequences to those who don't honor them.


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Sandi thank you again for taking the time to respond! I have read many of your posts now and you KNOW who my wife has turned into. I even showed a bunch of your posts to my parents as you can read my wife like a book without having ever met her.

Why is she so bitter angry and cold? Is this just to cover her conscious?

She wants to go to dinner tomorrow before a kids activity but I am just going to drop kids off and bail out of dinner then go to the activity.

She is renewing my wholesale shopping membership for another year which seems odd.

Despite her anger and walls being up I still seem to sense some kind of love, or hesitation of her decisions, or something??? Tough to explain but there is something about her that seems not completely willing to let go of relationship/family. Its really weird.

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Just keep detaching Flare. Avoid those family events, they are not real and all you’ll get is some anxiety from them.

No fear, no expectations. Keep DB


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Originally Posted by Flare180
I even showed a bunch of your posts to my parents as you can read my wife like a book without having ever met her.


Do your parents have any contact with your W? If so then try not to feed them too much info because there's a good chance part or all will get back to W.

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Why is she so bitter angry and cold? Is this just to cover her conscious?


This is very typical and is her way of preparing you for S and D. She thinks if she treats you poorly then you will want S and D too. My XW did this as well and actually admitted later that that was why she did it. She said she felt guilty because I continued to be kind to her while she was being a b*** to me, so she wasn't going to do it anymore. And she didn't, she quit being so cold and angry- appearing. Anyway just continue being you and don't let her cold and bitter treatment of you drag you down.

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She wants to go to dinner tomorrow before a kids activity but I am just going to drop kids off and bail out of dinner then go to the activity.


Good.

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Despite her anger and walls being up I still seem to sense some kind of love, or hesitation of her decisions, or something??? Tough to explain but there is something about her that seems not completely willing to let go of relationship/family. Its really weird.


It's not weird, we refer to it here as cake-eating. She wants to have her fun little fling with OM but also have "family time" with you and the kids whenever it's convenient to her. Don't let it confuse you, she is not even remotely considering reconciling yet. That won't come for quite some time, and she has to fall and fall some more before she'll even begin to straighten herself out. All you can do is focus on you and the kids and leave her to the mess she's making.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Hey Flare, would like to hear from you.

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Why is she so bitter angry and cold? Is this just to cover her conscious?


Another Stander gave an excellent answer. I'll just add that she sees you as the cause for her unhappiness. That doesn't mean that you really are, okay? That's her negative mental attitude that WW's develop toward their H. She blames the H for everything, and therefore, she feels a sense of justification for whatever action she takes. She often rewrites history, in order to achieve that sense of justification.

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She wants to go to dinner tomorrow before a kids activity but I am just going to drop kids off and bail out of dinner then go to the activity.

She is renewing my wholesale shopping membership for another year which seems odd.


As Another Stander stated, this is the WW cake eating. The WW will take advantage of being legally M to her H.....like using him for an escort or to play family with the kids. She will use his credit cards or whatever that benefits her. So, whenever you think something seems weird, just ask yourself how she benefits financially, emotionally, or physically. Usually, it will fall into at least one of those areas.

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Despite her anger and walls being up I still seem to sense some kind of love, or hesitation of her decisions, or something??? Tough to explain but there is something about her that seems not completely willing to let go of relationship/family. Its really weird.


Sorry to tell you, but this is mostly what you want to see in her. ((hugs)) Apply what I just said above about her benefiting. If she is hesitating, it is b/c she benefits financially, emotionally, or physically.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandie,

Is there any way WAWs will realize on their own that their husbands aren't causing their unhappiness? How do you recognize this struggle?


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Hi Sandi,

Been having a tough go.

She has stated bringing OM to kids activities which is really hard for me and seems confusing for the kids. Shes just rubbing my nose in it. She has no shame as we live in small community and lots of people were noticing.

A Mom we both know I was talking to whom spouse and her normally talk, said over the past few weeks spouse has been short and rude with her?!?!

I made a stand on the kids schedule and she got angry and emails back allegations that I am alienating the kids from her with all these statements that the kids day "Dad said....." Just twisting my words through what the kids statements are.

Every time she has the kids now OM is included and she has started to tell kids to hug him. I told kids that it is your own body and your own choice and that you do not have to hug him if you don't feel comfortable.
Detaching seems to be going better

She sent an email demanding the house be sold with all these dates and stuff and more talk of emotional abuse, so I have meeting with my lawyer this week.

Had a decent fathers day with kids and been talking with other parents around town and at kids events which has been good. As we live in a smaller community most have heard and I seem to be getting a lot of support and sympathy. Many are shocked at what she is giving up.

Everything she does to me is just really cruel, and it hurts. I just want a kid schedule so I can enjoy the summer with my kids and put focus on what I want going forward rather than pushed around by her and her demands.

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Keep your hard work on detaching. Be strong, keep DB.

It´s hard and it takes time but what else can you do? Work on yourself! GAL
Be there for your kids.

Patience, consistence, respect.



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Is there any way WAWs will realize on their own that their husbands aren't causing their unhappiness? How do you recognize this struggle?


Yes, but if she is wayward, it will require tough love......and not the soft, nice guy type that tends to run in the majority of the male population on the board. She's lost respect for her H, so to get it back...it has to start there....with her respecting him as a man. She'll need to see everything he says & does through the lens of respect. For a wife, she can't feel in love with a H she doesn't respect. If she's wayward, he can forget wasting time trying to make 180's he thinks she'll like.......b/c everything has shifted and she no longer cares about the M. Do you know what I mean? The dynamic of their relationship has changed. Instead of him trying to get "good enough" for her to stay with him, he puts all that aside and focuses on changing for himself. Not as a H, but as a man. He can't be a great H if he can't even be a man who has decided he will have respect under his own roof. He needs to make 180's to improve himself as a man.....and forget trying to improve a MR she no longer wants. Am I saying he should file for a divorce? No, I'm saying if he becomes the man he should become and stops putting up with her cr@p behavior, and exercises tough love.........there will be a much bigger chance of her being drawn back to him.

My advice is don't chase someone who doesn't want to be with you........especially a spouse! Don't try to convince a WW that she really loves you. The more you apply that method, the further you push her away.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Wow! Bringing OM to your kids activities while still married is the lowest of the low. That also tells me he is a complete loser and just her lap dog.

So sorry my man.

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My EXWW did the same thing with MC. We had actually set it up post BD but re confirmation of her A. But she still went with me. She essentially used it as a "see I tried, the counselor says we should D, so lets D".

Im sorry you are dealing with this. Keep up the DB. Your W is a WW. Its a very difficult and hurtful thing to find out the one you love the most cheated.


I dropped my EXWW like a bad habit after I found DB.

Keep focusing on yourself and the kids. Keep your head up. Even if it ends in D, you will still be a better man.


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She has stated bringing OM to kids activities which is really hard for me and seems confusing for the kids. Shes just rubbing my nose in it. She has no shame as we live in small community and lots of people were noticing.


My adult son experienced the same thing. You are right, they have no shame. WW's feel justified, plus they are rebelling all over the place........so, no, they don't feel shame.

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A Mom we both know I was talking to whom spouse and her normally talk, said over the past few weeks spouse has been short and rude with her?!?!


Many, many WW's drop old friends/acquaintances who stand for marriages and taking the moral high ground. Even if that mom did not act or say anything negative, your WW may have sensed her disapproval........or, who knows.

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I made a stand on the kids schedule and she got angry and emails back allegations that I am alienating the kids from her with all these statements that the kids day "Dad said....." Just twisting my words through what the kids statements are.


I have found that the more a H spoiled his WW, the worse time she's going to give him after the bomb drop. WW's are selfish. They have a sense of entitlement. Most nice-guy H's allowed their W to call the shots, so is it any wonder that she thinks she still gets to do it? Here's the thing......don't be bullied by your WW. You took a stand, so let her rant through emails. You don't have to respond to those rants. You don't have to allow her moods to dictate your life any more.

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Every time she has the kids now OM is included and she has started to tell kids to hug him. I told kids that it is your own body and your own choice and that you do not have to hug him if you don't feel comfortable.
Detaching seems to be going better


I fully understand, albeit from the viewpoint of grandparent. You have to be very careful what you tell the kids to do or not do when they are on their mother's time. Yes, it is soooo hard! However, those kids are going to pull you in emotionally, and they'll use the OM to do it. I have a grandchild who does the same thing to me!! I have to constantly remind myself to zip my lips, b/c I know my words will be carried back to that house.......and won't be taken well. I try to listen and validate my grandchild's feelings.

With that said, I do believe your children should feel that they can tell you anything.......without you going over the edge of a cliff or declaring war with WW & OM. Kids are so smart, and although they love us, they can create drama and suck us right into the big middle of it. As difficult as it is for you to think about OM around your kids, if you don't have the law behind you in order to keep him away from your kids......then you can't really control it. Their mother can introduce them to whomever she wishes, and she might tell them to offer a hug. So, just try to control your reactions when the kids say something about the OM.

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She sent an email demanding the house be sold with all these dates and stuff and more talk of emotional abuse, so I have meeting with my lawyer this week.


Do whatever it takes to protect yourself. I think she's listening to other women tell her how to get whatever by claiming abuse.

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Had a decent fathers day with kids and been talking with other parents around town and at kids events which has been good. As we live in a smaller community most have heard and I seem to be getting a lot of support and sympathy. Many are shocked at what she is giving up.


Glad you are getting out. Just conduct yourself with honor & dignity.

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Everything she does to me is just really cruel, and it hurts. I just want a kid schedule so I can enjoy the summer with my kids and put focus on what I want going forward rather than pushed around by her and her demands.


She's spoiled and a bully, so expect her to give you a hard time. She'll kick you where it hurts the worst.

Prepare a list of questions to ask the lawyer.


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Originally Posted by sandi2


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Despite her anger and walls being up I still seem to sense some kind of love, or hesitation of her decisions, or something??? Tough to explain but there is something about her that seems not completely willing to let go of relationship/family. Its really weird.


Sorry to tell you, but this is mostly what you want to see in her. ((hugs)) Apply what I just said above about her benefiting. If she is hesitating, it is b/c she benefits financially, emotionally, or physically.




Sandi, does this apply even if she is not wayward? I see similar signs of love in my exW and desire to play family but difference is her anger has decreased and is rarely angry. She goes out of the way to do nice things but is resolute about the end of the MR.

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Thanks for your responses everyone, I appreciate the support.

Sandi I really appreciate all the time you have put into responding to my situation and great advice you have given me and understanding. Your caring of my situation really means so much to me.
Thanks for you tips about lawyer, I wrote up questions, but feel a little nervous about the meeting.

I believe you are correct that she is talking to other woman (her Mom who did same thing when my WW was a child) and is trying to build up a case for full/sole custody. The big question I have for lawyer is do I respond and clarify allegations or just ignore them. Without guidance I feel whatever I do right now is a lose lose situation. I have had my own concerns on her side of things but have just kept them to myself/documented. I don't really want to get into a pissing match. It's really making it hard to focus on what I want going forward with contact from her asking about schedule and this and that every couple of days. Hoping lawyer helps me out as I really need time to clear my head.

She makes these accusations and demands and at same time says she wants to be "amicable"....so frustrating. Her vision of amicable is accept my demands....or its court, she can't negotiate or discuss and no talk of mediator.

"conduct yourself with honor & dignity"....I'm not really the one to bad mouth anybody and haven't said anything to the people that have commented, just been appreciating the support.

Kids had another activity tonight and she brings him out again....they come right over and sit with me (and one child) my scheduled evening with kids. So confusing for kids at just 5months since she left. There was a break so I took kids both kids away from them for a bit and when came back sat elsewhere.

Originally Posted by LH19
Wow! Bringing OM to your kids activities while still married is the lowest of the low. That also tells me he is a complete loser and just her lap dog.


Yes I have heard some stories of OM being a shady character in past business dealings, failed business, money problems. He is less physically attractive than myself (not gloating here by any means). He lives in a dumpy rental in town and we have a beautiful home and hobby farm. I really do no understand the draw. Honestly I can't see it lasting....I saw at the kids activities out of the corner of my eye after I had moved seats that they weren't even talking (I know she would be angry that I moved myself and child away from them). Also noticed she has been putting on the pounds....she takes kids out every day she has them rather than cook half decent meals for them. Prior to separation we always ate pretty healthy and only had fast food maybe once a month. I've kept the home routine as stable as possible for the kids with meals, bedtimes, rules, homework, screen time etc. Seems like a free for all on WW's side when she has kids.

Detaching has been going better as she is starting to disgust me with her actions/attitude etc. Coaching kids sports went great last night. The married moms seem to be hanging around and talking to me after coaching...I guess its just sympathizing but its been nice to talk to some people....been pretty lonely other than my parents and kids.

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Sandi, does this apply even if she is not wayward? I see similar signs of love in my exW and desire to play family but difference is her anger has decreased and is rarely angry. She goes out of the way to do nice things but is resolute about the end of the MR.


I'll drop by your thread and try to answer your question. smile


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Originally Posted by sandi2
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Sandi, does this apply even if she is not wayward? I see similar signs of love in my exW and desire to play family but difference is her anger has decreased and is rarely angry. She goes out of the way to do nice things but is resolute about the end of the MR.


I'll drop by your thread and try to answer your question. smile



Thank you, Sandi! Your perspective will be helpful to me

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My WW's mom was a WW and has taught this to my spouse (who is now a WW). It appears she is reliving her Mom's life.
My WW is showing, by very poor example, my daughter how she has treated a marriage and her conduct involving another man etc.

How do I break the cycle? How do I educate/protect my daughter?

Very disappointed in the lessons my WW is teaching our children at this time.

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Kids had another activity tonight and she brings him out again....they come right over and sit with me (and one child) my scheduled evening with kids. So confusing for kids at just 5months since she left. There was a break so I took kids both kids away from them for a bit and when came back sat elsewhere.


OMG! This is very inappropriate of her.

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I believe you are correct that she is talking to other woman (her Mom who did same thing when my WW was a child) and is trying to build up a case for full/sole custody.


Her mother was not a good role model. Is she still living?

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The big question I have for lawyer is do I respond and clarify allegations or just ignore them. Without guidance I feel whatever I do right now is a lose lose situation. I have had my own concerns on her side of things but have just kept them to myself/documented. I don't really want to get into a pissing match. It's really making it hard to focus on what I want going forward with contact from her asking about schedule and this and that every couple of days. Hoping lawyer helps me out as I really need time to clear my head.


Yes, ask lawyer what you can do legally, or what lawyer advises how to deal with her demanding and uncooperative behavior. If it means getting a court ordered schedule, it might be less stressful......and cool her heels a bit, but IDK. Just a suggestion.

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She makes these accusations and demands and at same time says she wants to be "amicable"....so frustrating. Her vision of amicable is accept my demands....or its court, she can't negotiate or discuss and no talk of mediator.


She is a bully. Ask lawyer the best way to shut her up and leave you alone. If WW is always threatening court......then you just might have to call her bluff, so to speak. However, I am not a lawyer, so IDK. You need a lawyer who shows interest in your rights as a father, and in protecting you from her threats.

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Yes I have heard some stories of OM being a shady character in past business dealings, failed business, money problems. He is less physically attractive than myself (not gloating here by any means). He lives in a dumpy rental in town and we have a beautiful home and hobby farm. I really do no understand the draw.


Not uncommon for the WW to pick an OM who is less successful, attractive, etc., than her H. The H wonders why, and my answer is to remember what I said about her benefiting from something. He may make her feel like she's the sexiest woman that ever walked the planet, or the most beautiful....or whatever. Right now, she feels she is benefiting something from this guy. My OM was less attractive than my H, but he was successful, represented power & leadership, made me feel good in ways my H lacked.

If you have just cause for the OM staying clear of your children, you can ask your lawyer if there is a chance in getting a restraining order against him being anywhere around the kids. Again, it's just a suggestion.

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I saw at the kids activities out of the corner of my eye after I had moved seats that they weren't even talking (I know she would be angry that I moved myself and child away from them).


No offense against you, but I'd dare say that she has used anger to bully you in the MR......and she's still using it.
She's like the mean kid who makes an angry face, balls up her fists and says, "You better not make me mad, or you're going to get it!"

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Detaching has been going better as she is starting to disgust me with her actions/attitude etc. Coaching kids sports went great last night. The married moms seem to be hanging around and talking to me after coaching...I guess its just sympathizing but its been nice to talk to some people....been pretty lonely other than my parents and kids.


Disgust is an effective detaching tool. I'm glad you are enjoying coaching. Be careful about those married moms! smile


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Sandi Thanks again for all the time you've allocated to me.

I had meeting with the lawyer and despite my nervousness it went great. She is tough, seems to know her stuff and is going to help me push back on allegations, schedule and her demands which feels like it has lifted some weight off my shoulders. She thought my WW right now sounds very chaotic and I think seemed concerned about kids too.

Yes her Mother is still living. That's who my WW is currently staying with when she has the kids. Both teaching my daughter now.

No offense taken...she bullied through stonewalling all the time, but especially since (when I believe) affair started.

Lol! Yes I will be very careful around the married Moms!

Again Sandi I really appreciate the chat

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Things have taken a turn for the worse.

She is a cruel vindictive bully who has put her self interest above the best interest of the kids.

I don't know how she sleeps at night. She has no conscious. I never knew she could turn so evil.

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Originally Posted by Flare180
Things have taken a turn for the worse. I never knew she could turn so evil.


Oh no! Sorry on many counts. We're here, if you want to talk about it.

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Yes brother we are here if you want to let out your frustration and anger. Sorry that you are having a tough night.

The cruel vindictive bully crap where nobody is more important than her is the most unsettling thing for me. If my W wants a divorce then let’s get it done. Doesn’t seem like that is what she wants u til she had punished me enough to feel better about herself. It’s horrible.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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Tomorrow would have been our 10th wedding anniversary, The first anniversary since she has left.

Have not seen or heard from my kids in 10days....including my birthday. I don't know where they are.

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Finally got kids back with lawyers assistance. They were so glad to be home, they said they don't want to go back to Mom. Apparently they are feeling ignored being put in front of TV/Ipad while Mom talks on phone or hangs out with new infatuation.

Haven;t had any contact with ex for over a month now. Been GAL as best as I can. Still think of her often and why she has broken up our family, but trying to change thoughts when they come up.

Pretty lonely and it has been tough attending things and watching other families go about their fun outing.

Not sure how to approach other women, online dating etc. I feel scared of it as it has been so long.

Last edited by Flare180; 07/15/19 06:15 PM.
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