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Originally Posted by Flare180
I even showed a bunch of your posts to my parents as you can read my wife like a book without having ever met her.


Do your parents have any contact with your W? If so then try not to feed them too much info because there's a good chance part or all will get back to W.

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Why is she so bitter angry and cold? Is this just to cover her conscious?


This is very typical and is her way of preparing you for S and D. She thinks if she treats you poorly then you will want S and D too. My XW did this as well and actually admitted later that that was why she did it. She said she felt guilty because I continued to be kind to her while she was being a b*** to me, so she wasn't going to do it anymore. And she didn't, she quit being so cold and angry- appearing. Anyway just continue being you and don't let her cold and bitter treatment of you drag you down.

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She wants to go to dinner tomorrow before a kids activity but I am just going to drop kids off and bail out of dinner then go to the activity.


Good.

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Despite her anger and walls being up I still seem to sense some kind of love, or hesitation of her decisions, or something??? Tough to explain but there is something about her that seems not completely willing to let go of relationship/family. Its really weird.


It's not weird, we refer to it here as cake-eating. She wants to have her fun little fling with OM but also have "family time" with you and the kids whenever it's convenient to her. Don't let it confuse you, she is not even remotely considering reconciling yet. That won't come for quite some time, and she has to fall and fall some more before she'll even begin to straighten herself out. All you can do is focus on you and the kids and leave her to the mess she's making.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Hey Flare, would like to hear from you.

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Why is she so bitter angry and cold? Is this just to cover her conscious?


Another Stander gave an excellent answer. I'll just add that she sees you as the cause for her unhappiness. That doesn't mean that you really are, okay? That's her negative mental attitude that WW's develop toward their H. She blames the H for everything, and therefore, she feels a sense of justification for whatever action she takes. She often rewrites history, in order to achieve that sense of justification.

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She wants to go to dinner tomorrow before a kids activity but I am just going to drop kids off and bail out of dinner then go to the activity.

She is renewing my wholesale shopping membership for another year which seems odd.


As Another Stander stated, this is the WW cake eating. The WW will take advantage of being legally M to her H.....like using him for an escort or to play family with the kids. She will use his credit cards or whatever that benefits her. So, whenever you think something seems weird, just ask yourself how she benefits financially, emotionally, or physically. Usually, it will fall into at least one of those areas.

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Despite her anger and walls being up I still seem to sense some kind of love, or hesitation of her decisions, or something??? Tough to explain but there is something about her that seems not completely willing to let go of relationship/family. Its really weird.


Sorry to tell you, but this is mostly what you want to see in her. ((hugs)) Apply what I just said above about her benefiting. If she is hesitating, it is b/c she benefits financially, emotionally, or physically.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandie,

Is there any way WAWs will realize on their own that their husbands aren't causing their unhappiness? How do you recognize this struggle?


M: 22, T: 27
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Hi Sandi,

Been having a tough go.

She has stated bringing OM to kids activities which is really hard for me and seems confusing for the kids. Shes just rubbing my nose in it. She has no shame as we live in small community and lots of people were noticing.

A Mom we both know I was talking to whom spouse and her normally talk, said over the past few weeks spouse has been short and rude with her?!?!

I made a stand on the kids schedule and she got angry and emails back allegations that I am alienating the kids from her with all these statements that the kids day "Dad said....." Just twisting my words through what the kids statements are.

Every time she has the kids now OM is included and she has started to tell kids to hug him. I told kids that it is your own body and your own choice and that you do not have to hug him if you don't feel comfortable.
Detaching seems to be going better

She sent an email demanding the house be sold with all these dates and stuff and more talk of emotional abuse, so I have meeting with my lawyer this week.

Had a decent fathers day with kids and been talking with other parents around town and at kids events which has been good. As we live in a smaller community most have heard and I seem to be getting a lot of support and sympathy. Many are shocked at what she is giving up.

Everything she does to me is just really cruel, and it hurts. I just want a kid schedule so I can enjoy the summer with my kids and put focus on what I want going forward rather than pushed around by her and her demands.

Last edited by Flare180; 06/18/19 07:15 PM.
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Keep your hard work on detaching. Be strong, keep DB.

It“s hard and it takes time but what else can you do? Work on yourself! GAL
Be there for your kids.

Patience, consistence, respect.



WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
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Is there any way WAWs will realize on their own that their husbands aren't causing their unhappiness? How do you recognize this struggle?


Yes, but if she is wayward, it will require tough love......and not the soft, nice guy type that tends to run in the majority of the male population on the board. She's lost respect for her H, so to get it back...it has to start there....with her respecting him as a man. She'll need to see everything he says & does through the lens of respect. For a wife, she can't feel in love with a H she doesn't respect. If she's wayward, he can forget wasting time trying to make 180's he thinks she'll like.......b/c everything has shifted and she no longer cares about the M. Do you know what I mean? The dynamic of their relationship has changed. Instead of him trying to get "good enough" for her to stay with him, he puts all that aside and focuses on changing for himself. Not as a H, but as a man. He can't be a great H if he can't even be a man who has decided he will have respect under his own roof. He needs to make 180's to improve himself as a man.....and forget trying to improve a MR she no longer wants. Am I saying he should file for a divorce? No, I'm saying if he becomes the man he should become and stops putting up with her cr@p behavior, and exercises tough love.........there will be a much bigger chance of her being drawn back to him.

My advice is don't chase someone who doesn't want to be with you........especially a spouse! Don't try to convince a WW that she really loves you. The more you apply that method, the further you push her away.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Wow! Bringing OM to your kids activities while still married is the lowest of the low. That also tells me he is a complete loser and just her lap dog.

So sorry my man.

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My EXWW did the same thing with MC. We had actually set it up post BD but re confirmation of her A. But she still went with me. She essentially used it as a "see I tried, the counselor says we should D, so lets D".

Im sorry you are dealing with this. Keep up the DB. Your W is a WW. Its a very difficult and hurtful thing to find out the one you love the most cheated.


I dropped my EXWW like a bad habit after I found DB.

Keep focusing on yourself and the kids. Keep your head up. Even if it ends in D, you will still be a better man.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
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She has stated bringing OM to kids activities which is really hard for me and seems confusing for the kids. Shes just rubbing my nose in it. She has no shame as we live in small community and lots of people were noticing.


My adult son experienced the same thing. You are right, they have no shame. WW's feel justified, plus they are rebelling all over the place........so, no, they don't feel shame.

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A Mom we both know I was talking to whom spouse and her normally talk, said over the past few weeks spouse has been short and rude with her?!?!


Many, many WW's drop old friends/acquaintances who stand for marriages and taking the moral high ground. Even if that mom did not act or say anything negative, your WW may have sensed her disapproval........or, who knows.

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I made a stand on the kids schedule and she got angry and emails back allegations that I am alienating the kids from her with all these statements that the kids day "Dad said....." Just twisting my words through what the kids statements are.


I have found that the more a H spoiled his WW, the worse time she's going to give him after the bomb drop. WW's are selfish. They have a sense of entitlement. Most nice-guy H's allowed their W to call the shots, so is it any wonder that she thinks she still gets to do it? Here's the thing......don't be bullied by your WW. You took a stand, so let her rant through emails. You don't have to respond to those rants. You don't have to allow her moods to dictate your life any more.

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Every time she has the kids now OM is included and she has started to tell kids to hug him. I told kids that it is your own body and your own choice and that you do not have to hug him if you don't feel comfortable.
Detaching seems to be going better


I fully understand, albeit from the viewpoint of grandparent. You have to be very careful what you tell the kids to do or not do when they are on their mother's time. Yes, it is soooo hard! However, those kids are going to pull you in emotionally, and they'll use the OM to do it. I have a grandchild who does the same thing to me!! I have to constantly remind myself to zip my lips, b/c I know my words will be carried back to that house.......and won't be taken well. I try to listen and validate my grandchild's feelings.

With that said, I do believe your children should feel that they can tell you anything.......without you going over the edge of a cliff or declaring war with WW & OM. Kids are so smart, and although they love us, they can create drama and suck us right into the big middle of it. As difficult as it is for you to think about OM around your kids, if you don't have the law behind you in order to keep him away from your kids......then you can't really control it. Their mother can introduce them to whomever she wishes, and she might tell them to offer a hug. So, just try to control your reactions when the kids say something about the OM.

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She sent an email demanding the house be sold with all these dates and stuff and more talk of emotional abuse, so I have meeting with my lawyer this week.


Do whatever it takes to protect yourself. I think she's listening to other women tell her how to get whatever by claiming abuse.

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Had a decent fathers day with kids and been talking with other parents around town and at kids events which has been good. As we live in a smaller community most have heard and I seem to be getting a lot of support and sympathy. Many are shocked at what she is giving up.


Glad you are getting out. Just conduct yourself with honor & dignity.

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Everything she does to me is just really cruel, and it hurts. I just want a kid schedule so I can enjoy the summer with my kids and put focus on what I want going forward rather than pushed around by her and her demands.


She's spoiled and a bully, so expect her to give you a hard time. She'll kick you where it hurts the worst.

Prepare a list of questions to ask the lawyer.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by sandi2


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Despite her anger and walls being up I still seem to sense some kind of love, or hesitation of her decisions, or something??? Tough to explain but there is something about her that seems not completely willing to let go of relationship/family. Its really weird.


Sorry to tell you, but this is mostly what you want to see in her. ((hugs)) Apply what I just said above about her benefiting. If she is hesitating, it is b/c she benefits financially, emotionally, or physically.




Sandi, does this apply even if she is not wayward? I see similar signs of love in my exW and desire to play family but difference is her anger has decreased and is rarely angry. She goes out of the way to do nice things but is resolute about the end of the MR.

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