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Took off the ring today, it slid off easily with the 30lbs I've lost. Feel really naked, haven;t taken it off for nearly 10yrs. Not sure what to do with it, guess I will just lock it up for now. Made me cry.


Big step........and a hard one. ((hugs))

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Went around the house today and took down all the family photos which included her. House seems really bare. Kids will wonder whats up when they get home from school. Made me cry.


I suggest you keep a family photo in each child's bedroom. Whenever you make changes in the rest of the house (removing photos, rearranging furniture, etc.) try to put forth a positive face.....for the sake of the children. If they see daddy sad over these changes, then they feel insecure. Daddy is strong, and they will feel protected through his strength & wisdom. Daddy does his crying in private, so as not to scare his children.

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Explained to kids last night that there maybe some changes coming up....asked them what they thought about moving, changing schools, me getting work etc. They want to stay where we are at home and at the school they are at. They want Mom home. Told them I do to but wasn't sure If she was coming back.


I can't imagine being so young and thinking my mom would not come home. Naturally, they want both parents living together. If that doesn't happen, then they need to be assured they won't lose either parent in their lives.

FWIW, my parents moved a lot when I was in school. I'm not just talking about moving to the neighboring school district. In one school term, I went to four schools.......from SW Texas to two northern states, to a southern state. Talk about culture shock! Things were very different back then, and the world was much bigger. I think, for me, it was like a new adventure. I never knew what it was like to live in the same location throughout my childhood.
Kids get clues by watching the parent(s) attitude. I have to give my parents credit for not showing grownup concerns to their kids.

I suppose I said all of that just to tell you that kids can survive changing schools and moving into a different house, as long as they feel protected & loved.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this terrible ordeal. ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by sandi2
[quote]

I hear this a lot from H's who have a WW. I get the idea he is doing 180's to get good enough that she'll pick him over the OM........or at least, want to return home. (I think of a peacock showing his tale feathers to impress the female.) Guess what? Those type of 180's are never good enough for the WW. Sure, she may notice them, but it doesn't change her heart. The type of 180's the H needs to do are those he is reluctant to do. Like, letting her go. Like, not allowing her to manipulate him. Like, not giving in to her demands. Like, going on with his life, as if she will never be a part of it again. Like, no pursuit, no availability, no attention for a WW. Like, getting respect. I could go on, but you get the picture. You see, these type of 180's are necessary to change the dynamics that were set in your MR.




Sandi, your posts are very insightful and help a lot. Thank you.

What you say about the 180s resonate with me. It has helped me get respect from my wife (at least some) but unfortunately for me dropping the rope meant letting her have the divorce she wanted. I saw some signs of her having doubt and what looked like reconnection (my thread is here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2849990#Post2849990) but the process went through because ultimately she did not take the step to stop it. For now I am not treating the D as the end of the relationship even if it legally ended the marriage. There is no OM in the picture and who knows if she will wake up.

Surprisingly she has started to 'play family' with me and the kids since the D. Guessing this is touch n go but things are moving fast and I need to decide whether to let her stay at home and cake eat or kick her out. I read through some of your other posts and it feels like I need to kick her out but if you can provide any insight it would help

Flare, sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread here. The removing ring and pictures is something I am going through and your situation resonated with me.

Last edited by MLCxH; 06/06/19 04:33 PM.
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Thanks Sandi for your time and thoughts. They mean more than you know. I did leave the photos up in the kids room, but all the others have been taken down.

Originally Posted by sandi2
[quote]If they see daddy sad over these changes, then they feel insecure. Daddy is strong, and they will feel protected through his strength & wisdom. Daddy does his crying in private, so as not to scare his children.


Yes I have been remaining calm around them as much as humanly possible. Took ring off, pics down and did my crying when they were at school.

Originally Posted by sandi2
[quote]I can't imagine being so young and thinking my mom would not come home. Naturally, they want both parents living together. If that doesn't happen, then they need to be assured they won't lose either parent in their lives.


My youngest asks every night when Mom is coming home and it breaks my heart every time. I have been reassuring both of them daily that we both love them and will always take care of them. My counsellor has provided me resources on dealing with the kids and I have read up and applying them.

Thanks again for you thoughts Sandi

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Had a great day with the kids today,, they were off school...fishing, park, ice cream, etc.

While I was packing kids stuff to go to Moms Daughter went out and sat in grass with a depressed face....didn't want to go to Mom's/Inlaws for the weekend. I comforted her but at same time made me feel good. I think my daughter is being a little put off by Mom spending so much time with OM when they go with Mom and wants that time for herself & brother. I know daughter wants me there rather than OM.

Did the kid exchange later today. Saw wife do a triple check of my wedding ring being off now. I didn't say anything other than answered her question about the kids day and then just walked away after hug/kiss to kids and got in my vehicle. Surprisingly a minute later wife opens my car door (I was paying attention to my phone) and say kids insist on another hug/kiss....I went and gave them one and pretty much ignored wife....it seemed like she was wanting me to acknowledge HER with 'have a good weekend' or something, like I normally would, but I just walked away.

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I have been reading the lighthouse thread and its states to

"set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives"
"be clear that the OP is to have no access to them"

Looking for advice as how i go about doing this without enraging angry selfish WW. I feel anything I say she will just push back harder and involve OM more just to spite me at this time. Inlaws don't seem to concerned about it either so that is also not helping.

WW has been involving OM every time she has the kids.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Last edited by Flare180; 06/08/19 11:57 PM.
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Flare180. I really can't imagine what goes in through your's and every other LBH's with a WW. It must be agonizing. I have my own suspicions, but no solid proof. Is it only me, or does most LBH and LBW think like this? ? When a WAW or WW or even a WAH leaves a marriage, its more than a betrayal. Its a trifecta to the LB Its a divorce, and legal bantering and bartering. It affects you, and it affects the kids and the family unit.

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Thanks for taking the time to reach out IH.

Despite the agonizing and pain, still want her and my family back reunited. I'm bewildered as why she would not want to work through our issues when we have built this life and family together.

I'm having a real tough time trying to detach.

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I have been reading the lighthouse thread and its states to

"set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives"
"be clear that the OP is to have no access to them"


If you are physically separated, you can't set boundaries like those ^^^^. In some divorce cases, you are able to state that no OM spend the night when your children are present......and if the judge approves, then she has to stick to it or risk losing the kids. IDK about separations, but if this is not a legal separation and the two of you just set the terms......then I don't think you have power over who she brings around the children.

Here's the thing. If you were to tell her that OP is not to be around your kids, and then you find out he has..........what would/could you do? Boundaries have no effect if there are no consequences to those who don't honor them.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi thank you again for taking the time to respond! I have read many of your posts now and you KNOW who my wife has turned into. I even showed a bunch of your posts to my parents as you can read my wife like a book without having ever met her.

Why is she so bitter angry and cold? Is this just to cover her conscious?

She wants to go to dinner tomorrow before a kids activity but I am just going to drop kids off and bail out of dinner then go to the activity.

She is renewing my wholesale shopping membership for another year which seems odd.

Despite her anger and walls being up I still seem to sense some kind of love, or hesitation of her decisions, or something??? Tough to explain but there is something about her that seems not completely willing to let go of relationship/family. Its really weird.

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Just keep detaching Flare. Avoid those family events, they are not real and all you’ll get is some anxiety from them.

No fear, no expectations. Keep DB


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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