The other tough thing with letting is go is then I'm just lost. I'm not sure what I want as I have been focusing all my life on our family and property. My whole life is uprooted. Basically have to move in with my parents until I can find steady employment, as a SAHD I haven't worked for 8 years and not sure what I want to pursue. Then decide where I want to live and not sure where I want kids to go to school. All the while still having to deal with her and co-parenting, legalities etc.
So many other threads of similar women...do they ever find what they are looking for?.....does is end up being worth all the pain to their families/kids in the end?.....do they ever have regrets?
I am feeling by the responses and most other threads that the chances of her coming back are slim to nil.
TBH there's no conclusive numbers on restored Ms after infidelity. Most marriages go through some form of trauma and the outside world never knows. And after the trauma the couple stays together.
From reading an exhaustive amount of threads on this site, one dynamic that seems to shake most WW spouses, is being kicked to the curb, not literally, but what AS calls lovingly detaching. Letting go of your WS without being angry, resentful, revengeful and pursuing. When a LBS starts to walk there on path and building a new life away from there WS that starts the new awakening from what I have seen and read. Also, that awakening has came after the LBS has let go and put all their focus on themselves, after some form of separation. Be it, in-house, regular separation or D. There has to be TIME and SPACE.
You have a lot of questions you need to sit down and answer for yourself. If you want to keep the farm, fight for it. There are other SAHDs or fathers on this site that were the primary custody provider for their children and the got to keep their homes. Start looking for a job, prove to yourself that you don't need your WW to survive and thrive, it might be painful at first, you will make mistakes but you are going to be ok. Show your kids that their father is a strong, confident and loving man. Start building a resolve that you will not let this event in your life hold you back. Trust me, I have been here almost two years, I have seen all kind of sitches come thru this site. You are not alone!
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I still am trying to find something but as she keeps flip flopping on child schedule I dont know what days I will have kids. I have recently took a stand on the schedule and haven't budged, but she wants to change it come summer but I am pushing back hard to holding it where it is.
In her mind, everything is about her, and the world should cooperate to insure her happiness. Set up a schedule that you see as fair, and stick to it. If it inconveniences her, she'll have to figure out an alternate plan, other than just expecting you to do whatever she wants. Her happiness is not your responsibility. Hope that will lighten your grief a bit.
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I have been making personal changes and not just around the house, my counseling has helped, and was thinking if we were out to dinner after kids activities and such she would see (and she has said she has seen changes) but how do you show the changes when she spends so much time with OM and not myself.
I hear this a lot from H's who have a WW. I get the idea he is doing 180's to get good enough that she'll pick him over the OM........or at least, want to return home. (I think of a peacock showing his tale feathers to impress the female.) Guess what? Those type of 180's are never good enough for the WW. Sure, she may notice them, but it doesn't change her heart. The type of 180's the H needs to do are those he is reluctant to do. Like, letting her go. Like, not allowing her to manipulate him. Like, not giving in to her demands. Like, going on with his life, as if she will never be a part of it again. Like, no pursuit, no availability, no attention for a WW. Like, getting respect. I could go on, but you get the picture. You see, these type of 180's are necessary to change the dynamics that were set in your MR.
Right now, you may not understand how these would work in getting her back, when it looks as if you are moving on with your life. That's why H's are reluctant, b/c they are afraid to let go. You have to let her go, before you can get her back, b/c there are things that need to happen. Currently, she's the one in charge and if affecting everyone's life. That's needs to change, where you are concerned. She'll probably still have some affect, but only you can limit how much. You limited your world to her and the kids. So now, your world feels threatened b/c you are losing her. Raising two kids and running a farm & home, it's easy to pour all your time & energy into it. First thing you know.....your world has become very small. (FWIW, there are some of us who would love to have a man who could build us a house! You sound like a man with many skills.)
There are no guarantees, b/c some WW's get M to some other guy. That's just a fact. Some LBH's move on and by the time his WW wants to work on the MR, he's done and is happier without her. For whatever reason, the farm/home life no longer holds her interest. IMHO, she has been influenced by the people at work, and she started resenting the dynamics in the MR. She's lost the respect she once felt. Now, she's complicated things by having an affair. It's not the first story like this, and won't be the last. Don't compete with OM. She is not the prize. You are the prize, so stop trying to win her.
Glad to hear about your coaching position.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thank you again for providing the time to respond with your insights and nice words.
I was at counselling today and she pretty much said same thing. Move on, let go, focus on myself and kids. Counsellor was shaking her head alot in a "no no" fashion about OM being around kids already and inlaw's having him over when kids were there.
Originally Posted by Sandi2
First thing you know.....your world has become very small.
Yes I recognize now my world is small and unfortunately I made it smaller after she left. I was highly involved as president of a couple local community groups and when she left I decided to drop them as I was an emotional wreck and wanted to focus all my time on self improvement, kids and repairing marriage. Sort of regretting that now but may get involved again just in a smaller role.
I took the kids to an activity the other night and she arrived later. I brought a chair to sit in. She came over and stood over my shoulder the whole time. I acknowledged her only when she spoke.
Flare - not sure I can offer much advice as I’m still finding my way through this nightmare for myself - I feel like I’m grappling in the dark most of the time.
I just wanted to say Hang in there and keep doing things for you - I guess if we can all help each other through this, we might all learn some valuable skills that help us interacting with others as we go through life.
Took off the ring today, it slid off easily with the 30lbs I've lost. Feel really naked, haven;t taken it off for nearly 10yrs. Not sure what to do with it, guess I will just lock it up for now. Made me cry.
Went around the house today and took down all the family photos which included her. House seems really bare. Kids will wonder whats up when they get home from school. Made me cry.
Explained to kids last night that there maybe some changes coming up....asked them what they thought about moving, changing schools, me getting work etc. They want to stay where we are at home and at the school they are at. They want Mom home. Told them I do to but wasn't sure If she was coming back.
Yeah it hurts, taking the ring off, putting it back on, taking it off again. 7 months after 10 years and I still feel naked without it. The pictures too. It will subside. Every piece of change in a negative direction is going to make you emotional and reactive.. My best advices accept it for what it is and the current reality not from the past or the future, and keep moving forward
Took off the ring today, it slid off easily with the 30lbs I've lost. Feel really naked, haven;t taken it off for nearly 10yrs. Not sure what to do with it, guess I will just lock it up for now. Made me cry.
Went around the house today and took down all the family photos which included her. House seems really bare. Kids will wonder whats up when they get home from school. Made me cry.
Explained to kids last night that there maybe some changes coming up....asked them what they thought about moving, changing schools, me getting work etc. They want to stay where we are at home and at the school they are at. They want Mom home. Told them I do to but wasn't sure If she was coming back.
I’m feeling for you. This must be a really hard part of the process. Try to remain strong and use the advice the good folk on here provide about looking after your kids and yourself. That’s number one priority.
