At this point I really do not know how to proceed as I feel controlled by her finances as being a SAHD, don't want to be pushed out of the house or lose anymore time with the kids.
I have been stunned by this and as have been focusing all my life on family/kids/house so I don't have any friends, so its been hard to Get a Life but have been spending time with family and focusing on kids as much as I can.
Did you grow up on a farm? Do you sell livestock or produce, or is the farm more of a preferred lifestyle you chose?
Whether or not this M is ever reconciled, you should never be completely financially dependent up a woman again. If nothing else, to protect yourself from being at the mercy of her hands. You need to make steps now, to get yourself out of this financial predicament.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes basically everyone she works with is divorced and she always had talked about them doing this and that, but is like facebook you never hear about the bad times - people only represent the good stuff. Her parents divorced too and not sure her mom particularly like me, whom she has been staying with.
Coincidentally her and OM ended their long term relationships at same time. Her phone seemed to be going off alot more before the separation.
I am not perfect either and an affair is not necessarily a deal breaker as long as it were to end and not reoccur. Ive always viewed marriage a commitment for life. People make mistakes and I can forgive if it is in the best of interest of the kids and I.
Lost job just around time we had first kid/global meltdown. We decided together I would stay home as the cost of child care would eat most of salary. I was fine with that. I produced alot of our food with garden livestock and heating with our own wood which kept our expenses really low and were able to flourish financially with just one income but I didn't bring in much. Was just looking for work again now smallest is in school. I still am trying to find something but as she keeps flip flopping on child schedule I dont know what days I will have kids. I have recently took a stand on the schedule and haven't budged, but she wants to change it come summer but I am pushing back hard to holding it where it is.
I purchased our 10acres myself from prior employment and were married afterwards. It is a beautiful property and I built the home myself. OM is renting a dumpy house in town. I don;t understand the draw compared to what she is giving up.
Just reading your situation and see a lot of similarities in the way your W is behaving to mine - your timeline is pretty much identical too. OM has not been confirmed for me which is making it harder for me to detach but I know I must be patient and focus on GAL and the kids.
The ring question has come to the front of my mind too. W has took her ring off but says it’s not her real one (that is now too small) so isn’t the same thing! Thinking the symbolic act of removing mine may be a 180 and may help clear some of the dense fog in her head...
Flare. I love simple living and anything to do with wood. Especially cooking :-) Rooney I'm about seven to eight months in and I'm telling you right now you removing your ring or you even pushing for divorce will not clear her fog. All the experts and Veterans on here said it. Its probably going to take at least 3 things.
1.) You are willing to completely walk away, move forward with you're life from a place of indifference, name, status, lifestyle, home and all. Except kids. They are always you're main priority.
2.) You make changes 180's to yourself, for yourself, she learns to respect you, and you become the better option, deal, or more attractive to her in her eyes whether its with or without her. She has to view being with you as being more attractive than single life, or with OM.
3.) THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT. You are always emotionally calm, grounded, indifferent, unaffected at her attempts to manipulate you or $hit test you in any way shape or form. You are impenetrable to any of her antics. You are a leader, independent, cool, calm, and collected at all times. You are a man only a fool would leave or AMOAFWL whether she decides to return with complete and total transparency and humility or not. You do what is right for you and your kids, morally, spiritually, legally, financially, etc, you are not concerned with what your W does whatsoever, as long as it does not violate your personal boundaries which is meant to protect you and your kids. They will try to manipulate you and they or you won't even realize it, this is known as "cake eating" here. In other words they will try to attempt to play family when they want to separate from you and they will ask for favors but not give you anything in return. They will use the kids as leverage and try to get you to do things for them even though they want to separate from you. Learn the signs and negotiate them appropriately. She fired you as her husband so you need to treat her accordingly this is nothing more than a business deal at this point and your W and M as you knew it is dead.
1.) You are willing to completely walk away, move forward with you're life from a place of indifference, name, status, lifestyle, home and all. Except kids. They are always you're main priority.
I am on the brink of this, just had no clue how long to remain consistent with our prior lifestyle as my concern has always been kids and did not want to disrupt everything in their life (home/school/friends etc) if I did not need too.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
2.) You make changes 180's to yourself, for yourself, she learns to respect you, and you become the better option, deal, or more attractive to her in her eyes whether its with or without her. She has to view being with you as being more attractive than single life, or with OM.
I have been making personal changes and not just around the house, my counseling has helped, and was thinking if we were out to dinner after kids activities and such she would see (and she has said she has seen changes) but how do you show the changes when she spends so much time with OM and not myself.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
3.) THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT. You are always emotionally calm, grounded, indifferent, unaffected at her attempts to manipulate you or $hit test you in any way shape or form. You are impenetrable to any of her antics. You are a leader, independent, cool, calm, and collected at all times. You are a man only a fool would leave or AMOAFWL whether she decides to return with complete and total transparency and humility or not. You do what is right for you and your kids, morally, spiritually, legally, financially, etc, you are not concerned with what your W does whatsoever, as long as it does not violate your personal boundaries which is meant to protect you and your kids. They will try to manipulate you and they or you won't even realize it, this is known as "cake eating" here. In other words they will try to attempt to play family when they want to separate from you and they will ask for favors but not give you anything in return. They will use the kids as leverage and try to get you to do things for them even though they want to separate from you. Learn the signs and negotiate them appropriately. She fired you as her husband so you need to treat her accordingly this is nothing more than a business deal at this point and your W and M as you knew it is dead.
I have been calm and collected since beginning of March. Took up coaching and she complimented me on it and the great job I did - was the first compliment in months. Thought dinner here and there would help her show what she is missing and she would be able to see changes in me. Also thought she was doing the dinner so that she could keep her eyes open for changes or prospecting to come back. But at the same time have been wondering if it is just cake eating,
Just to add onto to the information that IHCLACS provided for you. Your M as you know it is dead. That does not mean you and your W can't create a new one. But no matter what happens the old M is gone forever. That M is the one we grieve and mourn for and keeps us in limbo. Let that M die so you can grow a new one. That is the only way forward, no matter if your W comes back or not. It's hard letting go of something we put some much work in, but in life in order to move forward and get better we must know when to let go. Letting go is not a bad thing, there will be something people telling you to hold on tight, just in case, but the truth is, your W doesn't want the old M, but she might just fall in love with the thought of a new one with YOU!
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I have awakened to a lot of our issues and also realize we could not go back to the way things were. She knows I am in counselling and working to better myself. She also knows Id be willing to do marriage counselling to resolve our issues and forge a new dynamic.
By completely letting go I have to sell house and our acreage. In the end its just a property (but was our dream together). Uprooting the kids from their home/life/school/friends/ etc.seems to be holding me back the most as they are going through so much right now, having a tough times with things. I hate seeing them hurting and I don't want to disappoint them more.
