Together 16yrs Married almost 10 Separated Jan 19/2019 Me 39 Wife 35 Son 5 Daughter 8
Noticed wife distance and seemed resentful since June 2018
I'm a stay at home dad and we own small farm I work – gardens livestock firewood etc. She has a solid career.
We had been growing apart some due to busy everyday lives. We had argument in July 2019 and after pursuing her distance she stated she had resentments that I wasn’t doing enough domestic duties, not enough date nights, helping with kids etc. I took her concerns to heart wrote them all down and worked on the issues she brought up. For everything I did she seemed to push back with more resentment and distance.
In fall 2018 she seemed to start provoking issues to push buttons which would lead to arguments. I would bring up concerns and was feeling neglected on some issues and she would dismiss them. Sex became less interesting to her and she came home and started putting on really unflattering clothes which was a big change. January came and we had another argument over resentment and that she was really not communicating with me about my concerns with her (including clothing which she did not like me bringing up). She brought up more changes I needed and I agreed to other things but the next night she came home and said she wanted to separate and went to Mom’s. Sends email saying it is all my fault, rewriting marriage history, loves me but not in love with me and its over. She took rings off a week later.
I pursued begged and pleaded for next month or two. Then read DR and being doing my best. Month after sep. she says I was emotionally abused her…I asked what is that….she said because I made comments about her clothes/smoking etc. though I was genuinely concerned about her wellbeing.
In late Feb/March and since kids start talking about male coworker being around, first lunch, then dinner, then movie etc. Asked wife at beginning to separation about terms and she said no dating etc. Now everytime she has kids this guy is around. Guy started at her work when she became distant and she knew him previously.
She is extremely selfish, and angry. I am in a limbo minefield. Trying to make a kid sched is impossible as anything I say is wrong, I get little input, when I agree to something she then wants to change it again. Its draining me and I want routine and consistency for the kids. She is lying about a lot of things and kids are coming to realize her lying to, I see disappointment in their eyes.
She has not inititated anything with me legally wise, has said nothing about selling house, continues to pay all bills and will attend multiple weekly kids activities. We have had many meals after kids activities, a few meals at home, and odd family outings together.
She knows I want to reconcile but I have not brought it up since reading the DR book. I’m concerned about the kids as its been hard on them and the new man just seems more confusing for them and that she purposely has him around to hurt/spite me. I don’t ask her anything about new relationship.
As she is at Mom’s she has no responsibilities with kids as parents make meals lunches watch kids etc. Don’t think she is thinking about reality of situation or consequences of what’s to come for kids/finances/home etc. She is just thinking of herself and being free.
I have spoke with lawyer and getting all my documents ready. Ive been to ind. Counselling since separating. We did one session of marriage counselling where she said she would attend with open mind then went in and said she wanted a separation, no more sessions since.
I am hoping and praying she wakes up and sees the pain she is causing kids and I, the changes I’ve made ( and told me she has seen changes in me), and her relationship/infatuation with other Man falls apart ( he is out of long term relationship too- can’t see their relationship being very healthy)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
At this point I really do not know how to proceed as I feel controlled by her finances as being a SAHD, don't want to be pushed out of the house or lose anymore time with the kids.
I have been stunned by this and as have been focusing all my life on family/kids/house so I don't have any friends, so its been hard to Get a Life but have been spending time with family and focusing on kids as much as I can.
I have kept my ring on at this point as I believe in the commitment I made and do want to reconcile the marriage. I'm not sure to keep it on or remove it?
My thoughts were to keep it on for at least a year. I am not interested in others or dating etc anytime soon.
I also did initially confront her about other man when saw her car at his place and she seemed embarrassed and guilty but said that they were just "friends". That was more than a month ago now.
He has also been out a few times and had easter dinner, mothers day dinner with In Laws, which seems weird on their part (kids told me this)
She has been flip flopping on kid exchange schedule for a month now but she has trapped herself in her own words through email on the schedule she wants. I finally agreed to it and she now realizes she doesn't want it for the summer months. I want to hold firm ground but also don;t want to get lawyers involved/make things worse if there is any chance of reconciling.
Kids say when she had them she is just focusing on the other guy anyway and they are feeling left out. Though she has been disneyland parenting them and every time they come back home they have some new toy, been somewhere or ate at McDonalds as I think she feels really guilty.
1. You'll stop thinking about it so much 2. It shows them you aren't plan B anymore 3. Cheaters suck
Some will say to leave it on. But you said it right there - you want to reconcile. That doesn't matter unless she wants it too. So don't bother telling or showing her how badly you want to reconcile unless you just like adding pressure.
The OM went to Easter with your kids and in laws?
Originally Posted by Flare180
I don’t ask her anything about new relationship.
Lol, giving it that label gives her an awful lot of credit. I say don't call it that. It's an affair. She's married, remember?
Hold firm on the agreement with the kids, if it suits you. Getting lawyers involved doesn't mean things will get harder or easier for reconciling - you need to focus on what's best for you and the kids.
Quit worrying about her and the OM and focus on your detachment and GAL. You'll need to grow a lot before you two are ready to consider reconciling - and that may never happen anyways.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes I was there for Xmas and at Easter OM is there with kids and inlaws. For mothers day she, OM, the kids and inlaws, all went to a local restaurant for Brunch
You are correct it is an affair.
They have also been hanging out other times with her sisters/brothers.
Hi Flare, welcome to the community. Sorry about your situation. As you start reading the threads on the board, you'll quickly see how common they sound.
The excuses your W gave you, are extremely common for the W who wants out of the MR. At one time, she may have had reason to complain and/or needed more help......but now, no amount of extra help is going to change how she feels toward you. That has changed and it won't switch back overnight.
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In fall 2018 she seemed to start provoking issues to push buttons which would lead to arguments. I would bring up concerns and was feeling neglected on some issues and she would dismiss them. Sex became less interesting to her and she came home and started putting on really unflattering clothes which was a big change.
I suspect she was being negatively influenced about the MR, and she began looking for excuses to end it. She have had her eye on OM, or there could have been a friend or co-worker filling her head about how exciting the single life is. At any rate, she starts dropping words such as emotional abuse, and OM shows up to get better acquainted with your kids.
Is an affair a deal breaker for you?
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She has not inititated anything with me legally wise, has said nothing about selling house, continues to pay all bills and will attend multiple weekly kids activities. We have had many meals after kids activities, a few meals at home, and odd family outings together.
She knows I want to reconcile but I have not brought it up since reading the DR book. I’m concerned about the kids as its been hard on them and the new man just seems more confusing for them and that she purposely has him around to hurt/spite me. I don’t ask her anything about new relationship.
She's getting tips from friends about all her options, and how she can better benefit. Plus, the OM may not be a secure branch just yet. If you think she's selfish now.....just wait. Don't expect her to do the right thing, or to even be fair. Don't expect her to think logically, b/c she's too caught up in this new fantasy to think rationally. The fact she has not mentioned selling the house, or anything legal.......doesn't mean a thing!
I'm not sure why you are having meals together after attending some kid function. My suggestion is to pull back hard, and stop playing as if you one big happy family. It's fine to go to the kids activities, but you don't have to attend as a couple. She is replacing you with the OM! Why should she benefit from both men? Pursuing her is not what you need to do to get her back. Her mindset has changed and this is not the girl you M. She needs to feel the emptiness you leave behind. The LBH never looks so attractive as when he is walking away. Pursuing a cheater, is not attractive whatsoever.
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I am hoping and praying she wakes up and sees the pain she is causing kids and I, the changes I’ve made ( and told me she has seen changes in me), and her relationship/infatuation with other Man falls apart ( he is out of long term relationship too- can’t see their relationship being very healthy)
First of all, forget about doing those things she listed as a way to draw her from OM and back into your arms. The LBH cannot get good enough. I've seen some pretty spectacular changes in LBH's, but not enough to change the cold/hard heart of WW. At least, not those kind of changes. No amount of housework and playing Mr. Mom is going to attract a W that's closed her heart. She has lost respect for you as a man, and in order for her to realize she can love you again.........she's got to respect you, first.
Her thing for OM can fall apart, but she may go after OM#2. So, what do you do? You stop kissing up and find your b@lls, b/c it's going to get worse before it gets better. You set personal goals and breakdown how to achieve them. You start GAL (getting a life) like crazy....and one that does not include her. You improve yourself, ........for you, not as some formula to get her back, cause it doesn't work that way. Don't put life on hold.....hoping she'll return. Live as though you know you are going to be just fine.....with or without her.
Can't tell everything in one post. Read the homework Cadet assigned. Take care of yourself, physically, mentally, & spiritually. That is your number one priority.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
