Our marriage was not perfect, but it was, at least to me, amazing. We loved each other madly and deeply. Most core values were matched perfectly. Amazing sex live where we both were content and happy. The only room for improvement, would be communication, in that we could have learned better ways to hear and be heard at times. Occasional irritation and not agreeing on a specific topic was the worst it got... no shouting, no degrading or disrespecting each other, nothing.
While in Hawaii just us a few weeks ago, my father in law was watching my twin boys (9), my bonus daughters (11, 8) and our son together who is just under 2 yrs. During this vacation it was disclosed to us by my twins that my father in law molested them the night before at bedtime. I interviewed both, then him on video chat, to which he made admissions to the actions. We were both absolutely blindsided by this. I told her we needed to report it, she agreed, and I did. Not even 24 hrs later the detectives had investigated, interviewed my children, examined them and arrested my father in law.
My bonus daughters since hate me and blame my boys. This has caused family conflict which I've done my best to manage constructively and objectively. My wife ex (their birth father, no legal custody, child support paid or any responsibility whatsoever, but joint physical custody) has told my wife that he will take custody of the girls if she does not leave me and ensure they are no longer around me. She has told me that she is terrified of losing them, cannot and will not, and that she cannot be with me even though she loves me, will never love another, i am her person, and so on. Ive asked her to trust me he cannot do that (several attorneys even have said he cannot) and to get family therapy with me. She will only communicate by occasional email, brief, and will not deviate from she cannot be with me.
This doesn't need to be this way. There is no reason for our marriage to fail or be given up on. If we love each other why not stand by our vows for better and worse and get through this?
I am devastated. I feel abandoned. Betrayed. Destroyed. I have not lost my boys innocence to a predator, but have lost my bonus daughters, wife and family.
Tell your W's ex to shove it and if he has something to say the next time it should be in court.
Your W is full of crap. She's giving in to her ex's threats? C'mon. There's more to it than that.
Right now things don't make sense b/c some crazy stupid stuff is going on - and it's not just your FIL's horrible actions.
Be strong, do the right thing at every moment. Your kids need you. Right now you need to keep getting legal advice and stop worrying about your W b/c I smell a rat.
Sorry to read all this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My bonus daughters since hate me and blame my boys.
Is your wife acting like she had no part in this and knew nothing of it? I mean you did discuss it with her, I would think she would mention that to her daughters but apparently not? So your W is just throwing you under the bus?
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My wife ex (their birth father, no legal custody, child support paid or any responsibility whatsoever, but joint physical custody) has told my wife that he will take custody of the girls if she does not leave me and ensure they are no longer around me.
I'm sure you realize it but YOU didn't arrest the grandfather, the POLICE did. The POLICE conducted the investigation and made the arrest. The ex can't go to court and demand custody based on the fact that you reported someone for sexual abuse (someone who the police in fact do believe committed the abuse).
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She has told me that she is terrified of losing them, cannot and will not, and that she cannot be with me even though she loves me, will never love another, i am her person, and so on. Ive asked her to trust me he cannot do that (several attorneys even have said he cannot) and to get family therapy with me. She will only communicate by occasional email, brief, and will not deviate from she cannot be with me.
Well something else is going on here. If she really loved you then she wouldn't have been so quick to run away for something that is clearly and obviously not your fault. Has she been diagnosed with mental illness (serious question) or any kind of disorder that might explain why she is being so irrational? If not then you have to wonder if she doesn't have an ulterior motive, like setting up a fling with her ex.
So what you need to do is leave her alone. Give her time and space and hope that with time she becomes more reasonable. Hopefully she will. She seems to be lost in a fog right now, it should clear with some time.
Something seems off here. There are courts that decide custody, and D'd parents threaten each other with that kind of thing all of the time. For W to react that way is strange. Especially since it is her father that molested the kids. How is keeping you away from her going to protect his daughters.
I am very confused.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Firstly, I'm so sorry that this happened to your boys. As a parent, I can't even imagine.
I had to read your post twice, so to understand the point of view of your W ex, and her reaction to her ex. What was their marriage like? I can see why the girls father is reacting this way; the word molestation would make any parent want to protect their kids. BUT, the reaction of your W (his ex), in my opinion comes from a place of fear, as in she fears her ex.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I agree there are some odd bits here--(a) why the bonus daughters blame you as if the mom didn't explain it was the father-in-law at fault and (b) why the ex blames you as if the mom didn't explain it was the father-in-law at fault. Does she not agree the father-in-law is actually at fault as the police seem to think?
