So, Here goes...I have been pondering over this forum now for along time...I though i may as well get my first post over and done with and im reaching out for help.
So...a little background. Me 40, H43 and S6. Together for 19 married for 11. Had a row at the end of last year and H left saying he was no longer in love with me. For the majority of our marriage i thought we were happy, admittedly though, over the past few years thing were generally going down hill and we both hit an unhappy stage. Over the years we have been through and tackled lots of very stressful situations and we struggled to get "us" back.
H is currently living with his mum and regularly sees S6. Initially when he left he said there was no chance of getting back together, now he said he will "try" in hope that his feeling come back. There is so much anger and resentment. He left saying he was a broken man, wanted to live and wanted to be happy. Blames the whole failure of the marriage on me.
I have Michelles book, and im thinking i may need to re-reed....I seam to be taking a step forward then straight back again. I try to DB but with S6 it can be difficult, especially as we are now "getting along". we just dont seam to be "getting along" any further if that makes sense. He has no desire to have any intimacy with me at the moment (appart from a quick peck on the lips when he or i leaves).
There is obviously lots more to say that im unable to put it all in one post. I suppose my question is, where do i go from here??.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just a thought....My H had a thing about not showing affection and /or attention (This was very difficult to do when he seamed to make many excuses to do his own thing...work, gym or going out with friends). a 180 for me would be to try and show him some affection / attention but as we are no longer in a marriage how do i do this?. Thanks
You dont. You pull back. Detach. You are purshing him. That will push him away. Finish up DB book. Read everything Cadet posted a few times. Time to focus on you and S6
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Im certainly trying So Torn. I suppose i slipped a little when H said he would "try". Im struggling with how i "try" also but still keep detached?. We see a MC one a week together (originally in H's mind this was so we could separate amicably) we have since made baby steps. We are kinda in the friendzone.
Im i rude to think that sometimes i just want to shake him and shout "get a grip" of course i wouldn't do that!.
It's a delicate dance to accomplish isn't it? Keeping the door open whilst not expecting too much because that just leads to disappointment. And yes, I think everyone here would like to smack their spouse and tell them to get a grip, grow up, work on themselves and stop blaming others for their unhappiness. I certainly feel like that a lot of the time
dilldaf, it certainly is...and i wish i new to to accomplish it. As for unhappiness, i have been blamed for it all!...not taking into account all other lifes stresses. Up u till a year ago he seamed seemed genuinely happy...i mean, do they put up a front for all those years of unhappiness. Ive even had the "I remember 14 years ago when you said bla bla" Seriously?. H is obviously hurt and wants me to feel the same. He is breaking me down bit by bit so now i feel worthless I nees to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop mopping about!.
I can identify so much with what you've been saying, Zooming. I too have a H who likes to blame me for minor incidents going back to the very early years in our relationship, his career stresses, not being comforting enough when he was sad that his EA OW dumped him, not supporting him in what I consider to be pretty abusive treatment of his children, dismissing his feelings by setting a boundary of not listening to verbal abuse... he's like a child having a tantrum and blaming the world for it (or just me!) much of the time. If it's any use to you, I can say that I have tried pleading, begging, reminding him of good times, giving him the cold shoulder, ultimatums, threats, declarations of undying love, patience, being a doormat and probably lots of other things. I have told him to get a grip on himself, etc, and pointed out in detail how his childhood issues and temper problems are affecting our marriage and family life. Not one bit of it has worked at all. I have tied myself up in knots trying to find a way forward for myself to find peace and happiness that would not irritate, upset or displease him. Not possible. None of it worked and all of it made me feel terrible and resulted, at times, in some pretty poor behaviour from me that hurt him and more than that, demolished my self esteem and dignity. People say it here all the time and it is easy to type and hard to do, but the only answer is to detach and live your own life without reference to how he feels about it. I am working on that.
