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Thanks AS for the affirmation. KNOWING something is the right move and FEELING it is can be two different things entirely. I've been a bit emotionally up and down this weekend. Being able to come here and let all the what if's and maybes out is very helpful. I know I'm not plan B. I am plan ONLY. Being plan A implies there is still an alternative. He's just got his head in the sand. Or up his..... smile


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
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I agree with AS. It sounds like there is drama with OW and that will only get worse in time! OW often tend to be jealous and insecure. They know there is a W in the picture that he chose initially and didn't have this crap-y adulterous R with.

That was certainly the case in my sitch! OW and I had been "friends" (obvi she was never a friend) for years and she knew how my H felt about me and our family. She was always jealous. She knew that he was just using the A to escape our difficult and stressful life (we had a lot going on). She also knew (as they both did) that they could not trust each other, as they were both capable of cheating. He found her needy and annoying, but also she became the only friend that supported him during this messy time. She also flattered him and tried very hard to "get him" in a real R with her. It was a huge mess and all drama. He felt stuck with his bad decision (there was pride too), and thought I would never truly forgive him, and he was afraid he had ruined any chance with me. But he also found her increasingly annoying, which caused him to miss me more. It eventually all spiraled downhill and he couldn't stand her anymore. This happened around the time that I dropped the rope and started to move on. He flipped and did a very fast turnaround when he realized I wasn't waiting anymore ...

Goddess, I think you know what to do here and you seem to be naturally following the DB rules. No, it's not easy tho! I can relate to those feelings of anger -- even when you are out GAL, and realizing there are other options or men, but you know that you only want H. It svcks and feels bad. I even tried to go on a few dates during my separation, but it just didn't feel right to me and I knew I was using it (them) as a distraction. Meanwhile, H had a full on relationship with OW and here I was feeling bad about some meaningless dates. Ugh.

It can be confusing to send two opposite messages simultaneously -- 1. I am not plan B and am moving on with my life, and 2. if you end your A, I might be willing to give you another chance. .... I think you can only go with the first. If, and only if, he comes to you and has ended the A, shows you proof and remorse, and is asking for another chance, then you can entertain the second. ... In the mean time, keep pulling further and further back. His drama with OW should eventually spiral. You get to hold your head up high and remain plan A, that may or may not even want him later. ...

My only real regrets are that I let them (him and OW) control my emotions so much. I hate that I gave them that power over me. I wish that I had held my head up and taken the higher road. There were so many times I lost my cool. You seem to have a better grasp on that.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Need a quick opinion.

H just text me for the first time in days. First was about the new cc. I answered that with a simple no since it is technically financial. Then asked about my job prospect. I didnt respond to that. Now he just sent a message about his final class grade. Do I ignore? Or send a simple congrats? I don't want to play games but I don't want him cake eating either. I don't want to burn bridges.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
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I haven't said anything to him yet. One side of me says this is a huge accomplishment for him and he's been working towards this promotion for years. The other side says let tbe OW validate him.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
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Originally Posted by Goddess8
I haven't said anything to him yet. One side of me says this is a huge accomplishment for him and he's been working towards this promotion for years. The other side says let tbe OW validate him.


I can't tell you the right answer; that is in your heart and head.

Me personally tells my W when she has some great achievement something to the effect of "That is really great." She fishes for compliments a lot, always has, but im not going to stroke her ego with effusive praise at this time. Just give her a simple acknowledgement of her achievement without giving an ego boost. That is what I do.

Validate feelings, not things. So he sent you a grade for his class. No validation needed, but acknowledgement that he accomplished something is appropriate I think. Hope that is helpful!


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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Well I decided to congratulate him. It came from a place of sincerity. I would rather be able to look back and know I did the right thing for me than regret it. If we were divorced I'd still be proud of him and would say so. No matter the personal hurt he's caused he still worked hard and earned this promotion. So the higher road I'll walk. And besides not feeling appreciated was a complaint early on.... 180 maybe from me? Although I believe most of his emotional complaints were justifications for OW.

On the flip side of that he text me more in the last couple of days than the last week. No expectations of course just observations.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
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I agree with LB; you probably know the right answer somewhere in your head and heart. If it was a 180 for you, then it seems like the right move. I find it hard to advise people on the specifics because I cannot take into account the nuances that exist in their interpersonal dynamic. Sometimes these subtle differences between our sitches can get lost here; because let's face it, none of us really know each other, our personalities, details in our M histories, etc. My advice is slightly generic based on DB principles, and of course it is biased due to my own sitch.

My best advice I have, is that when in doubt of what to do, less is always more, and no response at all is better than the one you cannot decide on. Second, when deciding on how to respond, put your head above your heart. Why? Because your heart is broken right now! When we respond based on emotion, it is often coming from a place of fear. It is also from a place of expectations. It is much safer to respond using your head -- the logic without emotions -- and your most reasonable self knows this if you can access that.

When I didn't know how to respond to H after DB, I gave myself some time. I learned that there were a few things I did that led to me feeling better about my responses. Those things were 1. giving time in formulating the response, 2. responding in a genuine way and without expectations of how he should receive it or respond back, 3. making sure there was zero cake involved, 4. not showing my cards (emotions, thoughts or plans), 5. Taking back my integrity, not being petty, so that I could hold my head up high and have less regrets. ... maybe see if this works for you next time.

So he is texting you more now? Of course he is. WHs are so predictable. Classic. SMH.

Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 06/26/19 11:38 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thanks y'all I appreciate the sounding board. I know it can be hard to advise online. To pull a classic card I blame monthly hormones :)~ Feeling much more me today thankfully.

Blu your last sentence made me lol for sure. They really do seem to follow a script in so many ways. I have to say I think overall it's easier to deal in these situations with the S out of the house. At least in my sitch. WAY less drama.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
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So update for today.

H was texting D11 asking what we were up to(not sure who started the convo). We were out to lunch with a friend and her kids. Well he was in old town at mechanic shop and was going to head to our town and asking if we wanted to meet him. Well curiosity might kill the cat, but ok I'll bite. Meet up at store after lunch. Picked up a few things H paid. Drove back to my house in separate cars. He proceeded to hang out for a couple hours. Joked with kids and dogs. Joked with me and had nornal conversation. My new cc came in and he set that all up. Curiouser and couriouser. Then when he finally left about 20 mins ago he hugged the kids and said by love y'all. He lingered at the door STARING AT ME until I looked up and he said see y'all later.

I have no expectations at this point. But wow.

Oh and tranfered most of his education benefits to the kids and ME. w t f.... I swear I am going to change my name to Alice because I have just fell down a rabbit hole.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
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I think the only thing to say to that is curiouser and curiouser!
Hopefully his A is falling apart, keep being your goddess self smile

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