Am I doing this right??

[dillydaf]

That sounds really hard for you. I'm sure he'll get over the OW soon, it already sounds like the shine is fading on that relationship, no wonder because it's built on lies and immorality. It almost sounds like you feel sorry for him in a weird way?

[Goddess8]

I really do have a lot of compassion and empathy for him. I know I cant know everything from his childhood but I know a lot. I see the pain and confusion. It makes it a bit easier to step back and breath if he starts projecting( now that i know what that is ) I get confused on how to handle things sometimes, but the best bet all around is just to remove myself from the line of fire.

Funny thing... he text the kids this morning asking if they wanted to get lunch today. He drove over and hung out for a few then asked me if I wanted to join them. I agreed. Didnt accure to me to that maybe I might shouldn't... Oh well. I'm not going to play games. If he asks me he better plan on possibly getting a yes lol. We'll see how he continues from here. He was talkative and a little reminiscent. Laughed at the kids shenanigans. Last year he would have griped at them singing along to music at an empty restaurant. Small steps I guess. He also wasn't on his phone very much and didn't seem to be texting so who knows where the OW stands. Somewhere far away would be nice

[AlisonUK]

Hi Goddess - just checking in with you.

I think the SAHM or D thing has a huge effect on a marriage. I wonder if it's just a very unnatural way to live - traditional, sure, but in our modern society it means one partner needs to work like crazy, and the other is fairly isolated at home, and there's such a disconnect in roles that resentment builds on both sides.

My experience is a bit more unusual for a woman but I was always the breadwinner in our marriage, and H was either the SAHD or taking a very very long professional qualification that he is just on the brink of finishing. I share it here in case it is useful to you. During his SAHD days, he did absolutely everything, I worked a lot, and I took him totally for granted. He became very fussy and anxious and controlling over the way things were done in the house - because I think he felt like his work was invisible (and that's on me) and that turned into him being just constantly moaning and critical and I hated it and we were very very distant. Once he started this qualification, we split the household work more evenly, but he still acted like he was 'in charge' of all domestic and childrearing matters, and I really resented this because not only was I still earning 100% of the money, but was also doing half of the childcare and domestic stuff, and still getting criticism for it. And this professional qualification was incredibly demanding of his time, stressful, emotionally taxing (he's in medicine) and I failed to validate the pressures he was under, and just lashed back at his controlling and behaviour in really unhealthy ways. A healthier set of people could have coped with the uneven division on labour and money in a better way - and it was something I agreed to (I love my job and didn't want to be a SAHP) but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I know from my point of view, H could have done more to change his circumstances - he could have worked if he didn't want to SAHD and we could have paid for childcare. He could have spent the time the kids were at school / nursery working on his own social life and let the housework fall back a bit in favour of his own mental health. I couldn't do that for him. It's a very tangled situation.

I hope you're well and will check in on your situation soon.

[ovrrnbw]

Goddess,

if you're going NC, then going to lunch with him and the kids seems strange. What was the reason you wanted to go NC in the first place?

I think if you go NC, try to send the kids out when he gets there. I wouldn't even want to see him. You don't have to go NC for any reason other than to protect yourself IMO. So do it when you have to and then if you're ready for small communication then you cease NC. But inconsistency is no good IMO.

[Goddess8]

I started NC to process my feelings and protect myself. Three weeks ago I found out OW was finally coming back from deployment. That was mothers day weekend. He pretty much forgot my existence. I was PISSED. I gave you three children and the last 17 years. Wtf repeated on a loop in my brain all day. I had not detached. I had been doing all this work on me and I was STILL affected by his BS. Sad part is I knew better. I didn't go NC as a punishment to him. But I will admit he hadnt yet to truely feel the potential loss of me. I know better than to allow myself to be manipulated by him.

As far as the lunch went I agreed because it was an honest invitation. I don't know what the status of the OW is. I know its been ugly and volatile from the git go. I didn't go with any expectations other than food

[Goddess8]

Just a bit of an update.

H text me yesterday with an update on his test that has been stressing him out. He passed with a 90! I knew he could do it. He has never had confidence in himself when it came to school stuff. I've always tried to encourage him otherwise. He is smart enough but can't see it. I did learn something about myself recently when he started this new class for work. That even though I have been bis biggest cheerleader I was also an unintentional enabler. If he was too busy or too stressed I would help him or flat out do the work. I thought I was helping. Contributing to the growth of his career to help the family in turn. And why shouldn't help? I was ONLY staying home with the kids...

Fast forward to last week. He has a paper due. I get it 6-8 pages about stuff you find uninteresting [censored]. Yes I can under the right circumstances write that much in a couple hours. BUT he had the b*lls to offer to pay me a couple hundred bucks to write it for him! I laughed and said NO. He of course tried buttering me up with compliments. I just want to say dude you fired me as your wife. The handholding for schoolwork is over. Heck I don't even do that for the kids!! Guess he'll really get a dose of who's had his back all these years. 'Cause if the OW is still around he sure isnt asking her for help.

[dillydaf]

Wow, that's funny! I guess NOW your brains are worth something hey?

[Goddess8]

I had that exact thought. Being able to step back from the situation and see things as an "outsider looking in" sometimes it is comical the stuff they pull. Other times just sad. He hasnt text at all today. Oh well.

I did get great news that I can take the next step on my new career today! Full steam ahead.

[Goddess8]

Again with the random text updates from H yesterday. School isnt going well. He is of course freaking out. Not sure what he expects me to do. I validated a little, but since his comments seemed more pitty party it was fairly limited. He had told the girls he had to study this weekend so "hanging out is probably a bad idea this weekend". I hope he's truely studying. Id say his consequences are his own if he's not, but the truth is if he lost his career after all these years it would be a huge blow to the family. In all honesty it's probably good we are all used to him being gone for deployments.

Overall I feel I'm doing pretty well with detachment. I talk about the situation with us but its with limited or no emotion involved. I might have a fleeting thought about him and the OW, buts its just that. I don't spare them two brain cells. Its easier to put them out of my mind now.

The kids are officially out for the summer. I've been GALing with a couple friends and the kids. A semi new friend asked me to a local pub tomorrow for a live band playing during the day. No idea what the music is gonna be like but sounds like a good change of pace. She's also trying to get me to join the rugby team...

[Goddess8]

I've been debating posting this convo from sat night. I have been rereading the archives and trying to understand and wondering if I handled the whole thing right. At the time it felt right... But in the light of day i worried I was too dismissive and not enough of a "soft landing spot". I do also worry about posting too much detail in case he begins searching the net for his own answers. I don't want to betray confidneces but I really need some help.


This all took place after H picked up the kids for father's day weekend visit. I didnt respond to his selfies with the kids even though I saw them. I was Gal'ing with a friend at the time and it was supposed to be dad kid time. I have them all the time. While I appreciated the pics and they were cute I wasn't sure why he was sharing them. Especially after hardly talking to me the past few weeks. I have remained dim with no initiating contact. I guess I am worried that in protecting myself from getting hurt I may cut off my nose to spite my face. I have read conflicting opinions on reconnection and when it happens. True remorse vs guilt. I know I've gotten the guilt apologies in the past. What frustrates me is this stuff is never said face to face. Does that come later? Is this feeling me out? There has definitely been small baby steps towards forward growth and his willingness to own his part of the marriage. This is the first time he's spoken in absolutes of loving me in months. Before is was "mights" and "maybes". I did not reciprocate the ILY. It didnt feel right in this context. Of course I still love him. I never stopped. I have made that choice every day for years. Ups and downs. Unconditionally. That's never been an issue. But him realizing he still loves me and never stopped seems big. What he does with that knowledge is of course yet to be seen. So any pointers going forward in furture interactions is much appreciated.

H: I Think more of you than you know
I do appreciate everything you do for our kids I hope you know that

Me: Thank you

H: Ur welcome
: I mean it
:Might not mean anything or you might not believe me , but I do love you I hope you know that
:I may have said otherwise in the past but that wasn't true
:Always feel like you ignore me now

Me: Im sorry you feel that way.
: Ignoring you isnt my intent, but pulling back to protect myself while you made your choices felt best for me to heal

H: I do
: Made my choices of what
: I dont even know what my choices are any more

Me: You chose another life besides the family. You chose another woman

H: I never have or never will chose another family
: An I dont want you to think i chose another woman or anyone or anything
: You really think I've gave up everything??
: Think I'd be upset that you ignore me
: Think I'd still think about you an us

Me: It definitely seems like you gave us up and chose someone else
: Thats how it felt

H: Well I'm sorry
: I do love you though I just want you to know that
: I know I said at one time I didn't
: An maybe even thought it but truth is I really do
: For whatever its worth