Am I doing this right??

[Goddess8]

Needing clarification... H text me yesterday out of the blue with a rather benign question about my potential future job. I was out and about around town and didnt answer right away. Debated whether I shouldnt answer at all. Ended up responding about 30 mins later since he'd asked the same question last week. Gave a straight to the point response and left it at that.

Was this the classic temp checking? Did I handle it right?

[FlySolo]

I may have this wrong but to me this doesn't sound like temp checking. Temp checking is when they do or say something and then gauge your reaction to see if you are still plan B or to do or say just enough to keep you as plan B.

Examples:

1. You look really nice today, is that a new dress. It suits you.
2. Touching you in a familiar, husbandly way (could be sexual in nature, or could be as subtle as a hand held to your shoulder for slightly too long)
3. Asking if you want to join him on family things (when he has avoided it for months)

Temp checks are OK as long as you don't have any expectations that they will lead to R. When they happen, you just have to not react to them either negatively or positively.

It is difficult to work out if a temp check is a temp check or a genuine but tentative step towards R. If it is a temp check, then as soon as he is confident that you are still Plan B, then he will revert to his pre-temp check behavior. If it is a genuine attempt at R, then the behavior will manifest consistently over a long period.

I read the question about your job as controlling or manipulative. He still wants to be consulted on things. My H was the same when I started making changes to the house. He would ask who I was getting to do it, how much it was costing, whether I had shopped around blah blah blah. Your response was the correct one (IMHO).

[Goddess8]

Thanks for the feedback. This part of things is new for me. I feel we were having small baby steps forward in the months OW was gone, but since she's been back we are at square one. Minus the negativity and him blaming me for everything. He quit saying they were just friends months ago and apologized for the affair and hurting me. Considering it was over text and pretty sure he'd been drinking I chalked it up to guilt and manipulation and took it with a grain of salt.

I know for a fact she is controlling and jealous which I find poetically hilarious since he's been that way off and on for years. Its an issue he needs to overcome(assuming he ever does the personal work). Is it safe to say since the bright shiney new toy is back in town I should remain completely backed off and do not initiate any contact unless an emergency? Then if he reaches out when is it ok to respond?

[AnotherStander]

Hi Goddess, Is OW married or do you know? Seems like when the WAS isn't pressing for D even though an OP is in the picture, it's usually because the OP is married as well.

We sold the house (something we'd been talking about prior to BD) and bought a new one in the area we'd been wanting to move. He helped move. Began coming around and hanging out at the house.

But he's never lived there? I'm curious how all that went down, did the two of you buy the new house under the presumption that you would both be living there or was the house specifically for you and the kids?

Then May arrives and along comes OW again.

Where had she been until then? Did they break up or was she deployed elsewhere?

Whelp I got set aside so fast my head spun. Our conversation dwindled during the days leading up to her arrival(Ive been No initiating contact since the begining of his runaway replay behaviour in Sept) then I didnt hear boo feom him for 5 days.

OK sounds like she was just gone for a while, so he probably never let up with her, but she wasn't immediately available so he reverted back to Plan B (you) temporarily.

I completely ignored the next two temp checks. One was midnight this past friday Asking why I was ignoring him lol. Clearly NC from me makes him anxious. So my question is am I handling this whole thing right?

Yes I think so. I think you need to go as dark on him as you can, keeping contact limited to discussions about finances or the kids. You need to protect yourself financially, but you've got to stop his cake-eating.

[Goddess8]

AS,

OW is not married. From what I can tell she is younger. More towards the mid 20's if not a little younger.

No he's never lived at the current house. Kids and I have only been in it a few months. I agreed to selling the previous house since its something we'd been talking about doing for a couple years because i knew taking care of an older house on land by myself would be hard. But it was with the express understanding that he would help us get a place like we'd talked about previously. He had tried to show me too small cheap rentals in less than great parts of town. Big no on that. He had already moved out a month prior to us closing on the new house.

She was deployed dec-may. I know they kept in contact the whole time. I did find out she had broken up with him multiple times because he was still talking to me. Go figure. The most recent breakup was a week or so prior to her getting back.

Yes since she came back and he completely ignored my existence on Mother's Day he made his choice well known I haven't spoken to him. I go for the "friendly cashier" approach when he comes to pick up the kids. In person when he's being friendly and engaging it takes conscious effort not to slip back into normal.

[dillydaf]

Well in a way you're lucky having moved house like this and not having had him live there. I find my current house excruciating sometimes, because we have lived there together almost all our married lives. Sometimes I want nothing more than to sell up and move somewhere with no memories. You know, like my H has done, he hasn't even let me see his flat.

I hadn't seen FS's definition of a temp check before, I kind of assumed it was any non-essential contact. I would have taken that text as temp checking myself. You sound like you're doing ok, if he's busy having an A then you're plan B and you are too good to be plan B.

The SAHM and breadwinner dynamic is interesting, I think fundamentally it's about power imbalances and living very different lives. I agree that being a SAHM with small children is incredibly hard, and also the difficulty is impossible for the spouse to appreciate. Similarly, working a stressful job with long hours is also hard. I never, ever wanted to end up living an unequal marriage, but my H worked such ridiculous hours that I figured one of us had to be at home to be a parent. You do lose confidence being at home, but then if you're at work all the time you feel like you're not part of the family, I feel like that's what happened to my H, especially as the kids got older. And the less you engage with your family, the less they engage with you and you have a vicious circle of disconnected lives.

[sandi2]

Hi Goddess........(love the name!)

I don't know that I can add anything to the great advice you have already received. Just going to share some thoughts. The first thing I would suggest is stop trying to fix your MR. Let go of your H. I'm not telling you to divorce him, I'm saying to drop that tight emotional rope you have around him. Trust me, he feels it. It's pressure to him, and works like garlic to a vampire.

Luckily I got my stuff together and stopped loosing and regained my appetite. Started eating better and working out. I have maintained my 180's in most places.

Good, focus on being fit & healthy......not skinny.

Backslid a tiny bit into emotional shopping territory but knowing its an issue so it makes it easier to pull myself up short.

I understand how you probably had to buy a new wardrobe after so much weight loss. However, emotional shopping is an addiction, which can lead to hording and other problems. It can destroy relationships, especially if the W is spending her H's money on her addiction. So, if you need IC or whatever to help you in this area, I hope you will follow through. You've shown you "can" control it, but those moments of relapse can be a deal breaker in some R's.

Still has only mentioned divorce one other time in Dec around the time OW went out of country. Oh they know each other from work. Well she was physically out of the picture for about 5 months. This seemed to take tremendous pressure off H. He was nicer to me again. Having normal conversations and no longer looking at me like the enemy.

He is/was getting pressure from two women. Both were making demands, in their own way. So, when OW was gone, he felt relieved and turned to you......b/c by then, you felt the threat of OW ease, and you probably let up on the pressure from your end. However, he is addicted to the thrill that OW provided........much like the feeling you get through shopping.

So my question is am I handling this whole thing right? I know MLC is on their timeline and I do truly hope he finds peace in himself. I am willing to give him time and space. I know i have no control over anything but myself. I also know that i can't do anything about the affair. I just dont want to make things worse.

Is he still financially providing for you and the kids?

Well, here's what I would do. He would never know I lost a wink's sleep thinking about him and his OW. I would NEVER make any reference to her. I would find my own employment (part time, anyway) for my own self esteem purposes. My GAL would keep me so busy that he would find it difficult to get me into a texting conversation. If it's about business or the kids, I would keep it short and have a professional tone. I'd learn to not be chatty-Cathy with text responses. I wouldn't be cold, but just nonchalant. You know, when a gal is filling her life with new experiences and letting go of things she can't control.......well, there's just a different air about her.

I would always look good. No, I'd look hot! (I'd make him regret leaving me!) Actually, others may tell you that's not a good attitude......but I'm just saying it would give a lot of motivation for "me time" at the gym, the spa, beauty shop, etc. Instead of the "mom look", I'd update it, and who knows......he might not even recognize me the next time at kid swap.

It is rare to have a woman on the board who was wayward, WAW, or MLC. It is even more rare to hear from a man who had that experience. The few I remember giving their story, said how they were drawn back to their LBW. It was when he felt she was truly moving on and leaving him behind. She would be nice, she wouldn't bad talk him, try to hook him by finding excuses to have him come to her place, etc. He's see her wearing new hair styles, maybe change color, looking fit, dressing nice, etc. But there was no pressure from her.

Goddess, this is true when the shoes are on the other feet. The spouse that wants out, or can't make up their mind what to do........will always wake up and sense they are really loosing the one they want. That means, you've got to do the walk, know what I mean? Stop hanging out with him. You don't need to be talking to him, when you've been drinking.

Okay, so does he ever go to the house to spend time with the kids? If so, do you get dolled up and leave? Try it and be a little mysterious. He doesn't need to know about your personal life. There's a contact number, should there be an emergency.

Here's the thing. He needs to miss you! He can't miss you, if your presence is with him. If you are texting......he has your presence. If he sees you, he has your presence. LBW's are afraid of removing themselves, b/c of their fear of losing the H & MR. Don't let him more than just glimpses of you, b/c you need to give him that space from you. The tough part is to let him get all of OW he can stand. Let him get so sick of her he'll puke at the sound of her voice. You let off the pressure, no nagging, no insecurity, no critical talk. He will get sick of the OW's jealousy, insecurity, pettiness, and emotional pressure. In the meantime, the Goddess is building a new life, and she's going to be just fine.

[Goddess8]

Working on a response for you sandi and dilly but H just text me again! Last night was about kids finals this week but since he was actively texting them too i didnt respond. Just now is about a class he is taking and apparently looking for sympathy for how difficult it is. Do I respond at all? Wait a while first? Why the heck is he texting me if she's there for him?? Ugh

[Goddess8]

Hey Sandi,

I appreciate the response. I highly respect your option and journey and willingness to share it with the rest of us.

Yes emotional shopping is an addiction and just as hard to break as any other. It can be more insidious though, because going to the store is unavoidable. Everyone needs to eat and kids need stuff lol In my case it was never a conscious decision. Never an "I feel like crap lets go buy something". I was always I'd already be depressed and next thing i knew we'd be fighting about the money spent. Most of the time it all went back. Since moving it has been an even bigger effort to tell myself no. Being in town makes it SOOO easy to just pop in and see whats new. And yes losing weight and needed new clothes didn't help. Neither did needing things for the new house.

I will readily admit to unintentional pursuit after bomb drop before finding info like here. TBH it was when he'd be home instead of running away out to bars before I found out about OW and we would hang out with alcohol. Stupid I know. Being no new and hurting I scarfed up those crumbs he threw every time. That all stopped in Nov when I'm guessing guilt got the better of him after things went physical with the OW and he called me while they were out at a bar. I did the opposite of what would have been expected. I didn't react. No yelling or crying. I honestly expected it just didn't know when or how I'd find out. At that point he still claimed they were just friends. That "she got him" and their "personalities were just alike". I had a "whoop there it is" moment in my head lol By that point I'd already found this site and heartsblessing's sermons. I was more prepared than if I'd gotten the affair knowledge at bomb drop in July. I was still devastated but after a good crying jag by myself it honestly helped trigger growth in me personally. I had already been gaining strength emotionally and finding my self-confidence for the first time ever so this just gave me more resolve to be the better person. Not to stoop down to their level. Be the better person for me and my kids. To know that no matter what I handled everything with grace and dignity.

Yes he is still paying for everything. I get the lion share of the paycheck and he's got an small amount going to a separate account that he uses. I have suspicions that the OW has been helping with his rent while shes been gone. Obviously have no proof just my intuition.

I have to say other than the very beginning I haven't lost sleep over all this. There has been the occasional toss and turn night with dreams processing everything but for the most part I sleep like a baby

I do not talk about her at all with him. I don't make any noise about her whatsoever. That is his emotional ticking time bomb not mine. To the point that a week after she came back and I hadnt heard from him his second message to me was "Oh btw incase you care OW is back..." my response was OK. Then "how will this affect kids" lol. I'm not 100% sure why he felt the need to tell me other than to get a reaction. It's like dude what did you expect???

I literally LOL'd at the looking hot comments. I have to say that has been part of my 180's and I've never felt better. I have always been a jeans a tshirt kinda girl, but making the effort to wear a blouse with my jeans and cute shoes makes a huge difference. Making myself do something besides a ponytail with my hair and put on my makeup goes along way to feeling better about myself. And I know he's noticed because he's complemented me. You could have knocked me over with a feather the first time he told me my hair looked nice a couple months ago. He was actively flirting with me. To the point the kids noticed. And we have talked at great length about what their dad is going through. Minus OW. That is his can of worms to open or not.

While I was doing night classes he was coming over and helping with the kids picking up from practices and such. I was already gone by that point. But on the weekends when he'd drop off or pick up I always made sure I looked great and so did the house. (That was a big 180 after my depression keeping the house properly) But I would make plans to hang out with friends with kids which he would find out about from D11 and it would make him so nosy. Asking all sorts of questions lol Where ya at? What ya doing? When ya gonna be home? At x house. Hanging out. IDK

He has shown and expressed confusion. He has told my SIL a few times he didnt know what to do. That he loved us both. He gets "fed up" with OW BS. Tired of the lies. He has told me a few times he feels crazy and doesnt know whats wrong with him. He knows he's f ing up. He has even gone so far as to get full panel blood work done and testing for early onset alzheimer's. He's been convinced he might have some kind of cancer. Obviously nothing like that and all test came back normal. I know I cant say anything about MLC. About all ive done is say stress and depression can be rough on the mind and body. He is on anti-d meds because of sleep issues. So those might be helping him a little.

Yes! When I got a big ol goose egg for acknowledgement on mothers day because OW had just gotten back I took a deep breath and said Ok. I said ok Goddess if thats his choice then there is your answer. Step back. I needed to pull up my emotional big girl panties and give him ALL the space. And get mine too. The first couple times after that when he sent random texts i had mild panic attacks. Now less than three weeks later I don't anymore. Just the mild confusion on the best way to handle those random text

And yes I will be just fine. He is the one losing the best thing to ever happen to him.

[Goddess8]

No contact is so hard. Especially when they arent spewing and seem to want to talk, but it is inconsequential. H keeps sending me random text. Last most recent was a sad face emoji. He also asks the kids what I'm up to. Ugh