Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
#2850958 05/29/19 07:06 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 40
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 40
Hey all! Apologies in advance it's a long one.

I am new to posting but have been reading, lurking, and learning here for months. I have read both DB and DR. I have also read heartsblessing site backwards and forwards many times along with Cadets welcome message post. I have been working on myself since the very begining. At first it was like we all seem to do and was a mad dash to fix all our "issues" according to our spouse. But then i started to really look inward. Boy she was a mess grin I was depressed, feeling neglected, resentful and unappreciated. I had no self esteem and legitimately did not see myself as attractive. (Theres a childhood issue right there lol) Right after bomb drop I lost 30 lbs. That put me back down into teenage pre kid weight. Luckily I got my stuff together and stopped loosing and regained my appetite. Started eating better and working out. I have maintained my 180's in most places. Backslid a tiny bit into emotional shopping territory but knowing its an issue so it makes it easier to pull myself up short. Which is good considering one of his BD complaints is only being with him for the money... Which is total BS. I have been a SAHM almost our entire marriage. I don't regret it for a minute but guess who does.

As far as our MR went it had its issues clearly but for the past decade things were good. We never fought ( red flag i know) always loving and affectionate. Fantastic sex life. Partners and a team in every sense. I was always the main parent but he backed me up fluidly. Kids love and respect him. I think the only reason this isnt harder on them is they are used to him being gone for training and deployments. So H moving out in Jan hasnt been a bigger deal to them. At this point they do not know about OW and I hope they never do.

So on to the confusing part. He told me about the OW(and recent physical nature) in Nov. I had suspected due to his phone behavior but didnt know for sure. Prior to that I had gotten all the classic MLC drivel. From "I can't do this anymore" to a very brief and taken back ILYBNILWY. Made vague references to separation but never straight out asked for divorced. Very tighted lipped on anything. Still has only mentioned divorce one other time in Dec around the time OW went out of country. Oh they know each other from work. Well she was physically out of the picture for about 5 months. This seemed to take tremendous pressure off H. He was nicer to me again. Having normal conversations and no longer looking at me like the enemy. We sold the house (something we'd been talking about prior to BD) and bought a new one in the area we'd been wanting to move. He helped move. Began coming around and hanging out at the house. Which seemed to make him anxious with how much he liked it and felt comfortable. He has been much more involved and helpful with the kids and their activities whereas before that always fell on me. I feel without pursuit and pressure from me and implementing my 180's and GALwK we were able to rebuild a little. Then May arrives and along comes OW again. Whelp I got set aside so fast my head spun. Our conversation dwindled during the days leading up to her arrival(Ive been No initiating contact since the begining of his runaway replay behaviour in Sept) then I didnt hear boo feom him for 5 days. Then my first official temp check asking how my exam went. WOW! Then another 5 days after the weekend kid visit dropoff. I completely ignored the next two temp checks. One was midnight this past friday Asking why I was ignoring him lol. Clearly NC from me makes him anxious. So my question is am I handling this whole thing right? I know MLC is on their timeline and I do truly hope he finds peace in himself. I am willing to give him time and space. I know i have no control over anything but myself. I also know that i can't do anything about the affair. I just dont want to make things worse.

If you've read this far thank you. Any and all questions, comments and 2x4's welcome and appreciated.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Welcome,

Glad you posted. Let us know how we came help.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 199
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 199
Goddess8,

I am so sorry that you are here. If there is one thing that I have learned since my wife dropped the bomb, it is empathy. I can't believe how many people are suffering in the world. I pray that God brings you peace and comfort. I hope that the community here can help us to get through this terrible time.


M: 22, T: 27
Three Children
BD: 12/15/18
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 40
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 40
Thanks Destroyd I really appreciate any and all positive thoughts and prayers.

R2C I am trying to make sure my DBing right. I havent made any noise about the A or OW. Minus early on after a few drinks when we were hanging out. And even then it was along the lines of "I know I cant change your mind or control what you do, but you know you'll have to make a choice" paraphrasing as its been months. He was attempting to cake eat for sure. Even called me his "ride or die" saying he'd always be there for me no matter what. And I was his best friend. Well ya I always had been. I guess I worry about coming off ambivalent to the affair. I refuse to be actively labeled as his plan B, but I also worry that its blatantly obvious since I still wear my rings.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
Goddess,

I like your statement about not wanting to appear ambivalent to the affair, many here come off that way. But how do you show that you won't tolerate it?

I said F it and stopped worrying about wearing my ring 6 months ago. I haven't touched it physically, and more important mentally, since then. I was tired of being played.

Are you really going to be his ride or die if he has affairs forever? Is it fair to hurt your ride or die like this?

I also needed to go NC a couple times. The BS was just too much. I hope you are getting out and having fun. What's your GAL like?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 40
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 40
And there in lies my problem. I don't know. I set a boundry on him talking to her on the phone in my house before the move. I will not tolerate that disrespect. I refuse to discuss her at all with him. I know its only to alleviate his guilt. I set a boundry on him driving her car to my house(long story). Aside from those things that directly affect me and or my kids since he's moved out i just dont know.

I feel like my rings are my symbol to my commitment to my marriage. Which he knows. BUT I'm still married so... I know ultimately he can think what he wants.

I have always been a bit of an introvert homebody so GAL activies are challenging. Ive gone to all the kids sporting events etc. I have attempted to hang out with friends(minute social circle). I went to school for something I've wanted to do for awhile. Mainly it's been things he's been disinclined to do over the years ie the beach. I read a lot and have been working on writing. I've been disenchanted with the gym but really need to suck it up since it would be a 180.

Overall my postive metal attitude has been very good. There are days that arent so good, but i push through.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 704
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 704
you sound like you're doing ok Goddess8, keep up with the GAL, particularly stuff he never wanted to do!

I too get the whole 'you're with me because of money' thing because I've been a SAHM. It's rewriting history. I earnt more than my H for a few years and we've been broke together and we've been rich together and I would swap every single penny we have to get my H back. When my H was going through a hellish time at work and was worried about losing his job, I told him that I didn't care about money, that we would be ok no matter what happened with his job and that he was more important to me than any amount of money.
Guess what he throws in my face now about that time?
I WASN'T SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH
This makes me utterly spit with rage, but at the same time I know that it's my H's way of saying he doesn't feel appreciated for earning lots of money, and that at the time I should have validated my socks off instead of saying this stuff. I disrespected his feelings, and I still don't understand this but I accept it. I also think there is a LOT of jealousy there, because I have a very flexible life now the kids are older, and he is stuck working 14 hour days. But there's not much to do about that, his jealousy is his own business.

Sorry, I made this all about me, but I can see a few parallels in our sitches (other than I don't think my H is having an A but who really knows). I think maybe you let him back too early the first time, he got lonely when the OW went and was using you as his plan B till plan A arrived back on the scene.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 199
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 199
Dillydaf and Goddess8,

My wife is a SAHM too, and boy I wish we didn't go down that route. We were lucky to be able to afford it, but she never liked it. Then I would feel that she was ungrateful. I felt like I was working all the time, and then I would come home and the house would be a mess and nothing got done. I felt like I was being used. I really regret these feelings now, because I am sure these feelings lead to her resentment. I love her so much, but I am scared her resentment will never leave her now. I am scared that I will have this regret and guilt the rest of my life. I am so scared that I will never be happy again.


M: 22, T: 27
Three Children
BD: 12/15/18
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 40
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 40
Hey dilly,

Yes! I have gotten the I wasnt there for him too. Spitting rage is a good way to decribe it. And yes the jealousy is very accurate. I came to the conclusion mine was projecting and resentful of me "getting" to stay home. Forget the fact that being a SAHM comes with its own set of emotional issues. He'd lose his mind. But that is the difference; in his ugly moments he felt i didn't do anything or contribute because I didnt have a 9-5 income producing job. A job is actually one of the draws of the OW. But in true damaged hypocrite style he'd hamstrung me through the years about getting work with his jealous controlling behavior.

He hasnt moved back. Sorry if my post was confusing and rambled on. But I do agree with the lonely part. He's never lived on his own. He went from living at home to military and being married young with a family.


Me: 36 H: 37
M: 16 T: 17
Kids: S15 D14 D11
BD: July '18
OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me)
H moved out Jan '19
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard