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Originally Posted by Destroyd
So now I have to commit to giving as much space as possible, while still showing that I am a good partner. Do you have any advice on how to walk this fine line?


I would not walk the line. It looks like she wants to cake eat. If you do this she will only lose more respect for you IMO. Give her space but start detaching.

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Originally Posted by Destroyd
We had our MC session, and then a LONG R talk where I cried many times throughout the conversation. Here is what I learned.

D you have to learn to control your emotions. Crying in front of your W is very unattractive. You have to be the rock where nothing sways you. Just listen and validate.

Originally Posted by Destroyd
1. She needs space to make up her mind on her own. She wants me to quit making family plans. Life is too busy, and she needs time to think. I will need to make family plans without her, so that I can still have fun.
Listen to what she is saying.

Originally Posted by Destroyd
2. She has complained that some of the things that got her to be unhappy with our M is that she has felt alone in performing household tasks and taking care of the kids. So, she wants me to continue to do these things with her. She wants me to continue to cook dinner and talk with her during this time. She wants me to continue to do house chores with her as a team.
Do your fair share of the cooking and cleaning. No more. No less.

Originally Posted by Destroyd
3. She wants me to stop pursuing her in any romantic way. I have done almost none of this, but I will stop any type of physical contact.
Absolutely no pursuit.

Originally Posted by Destroyd
4. I learned that she has told her parents about our situation, and I told her that I told my mother and brother. I really wish that this didn't come out today. I thought she wasn't telling her parents because of the guilt, and I didn't want her to know that I told my mom and brother, because I wanted that guilt to keep her from asking for a divorce.
You don't want her to stay because she feels guilty.

Originally Posted by Destroyd
5. I promised her that I would give her space, but to continue to show that I am a new man (the partner that she has wanted). I would continue to be the partner she has wanted me to be. I know this is against the DBing, but how do I make this work with the DBing methodology?
You know what a good partner does? Listens! Give her space and then give her even more space then that.

Originally Posted by Destroyd
6. If I am going to give her space, I need to get more of a life. I hate this!! I feel like I am not able to live the family life that I want to live this way. I like being at home after working all day. But, I am going to try to do more things with my kids. I am going to have to do more things with friends, all the while showing that I am the good, reliable partner.
A good reliable partner gives her the space she asks for. Get out and reconnect with old friends.

Originally Posted by Destroyd
7. As I was telling her that I was committed to being a new man, she asked why I kept saying this and it sounded like I wanted something from her. I said that I wanted her to be 100% committed to fixing the relationship, even though she didn't know whether it could be fixed. She promised me that she was trying to be 100% committed to fixing the relationship, but she reiterated that she didn't know whether it could be fixed. She loves me, but doesn't have romantic feelings for me. I thought the commitment to try to fix the R was a good sign.

Stop pressuring her looking for reassurance. She can't give it to you right now.

Originally Posted by Destroyd
8. I made a terrible mistake in our conversation where I said that this was very unfair to the kids. This was the worst mistake I made. I told her that it was unfair to them and that we would be hurting them financially. This made her angry, but I thought it had to be said. She said that she also had to be happy. I am sure that this really pushed her away from me, so I bet you guys are really going to hit me with 2x4s for this one.

More pressure. You are digging yourself a hole you may not be able to get out of if you keep this up.
Originally Posted by Destroyd
9. So now I have to commit to giving as much space as possible, while still showing that I am a good partner. Do you have any advice on how to walk this fine line? I really do think this is a line that I need to walk. I know that it doesn't jive 100% with DBing, but in my situation, I think I have to modify some things here.

I will say it one more time. A good partner listens. Give her space. Do your share of the chores and the child care.
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Thanks LH19. You are right. Now tonight, she asked if I want to go for a walk with her later. Man this is confusing. I will go for that walk since she initiated it. We are going on a date tomorrow night, dinner and a movie. I will stop initiating these things. She is so damn nice, except for the pain she is causing me, that she continues to treat me like her partner even though she tells me she isn't in love with me anymore.


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My WAS has herself convinced that our family is not going to by financially strapped after a divorce. It is crazy. I pray that I can keep our marital home. I want it because the kids will always view it as their home. I don't want to be the dad in the terrible apartment. But, I am not sure that after alimony and child support I could afford it. My wife is a SAHM. Divorce is so evil. I am convinced that it is the Devil's work.


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I am not a chick, but I yesterday I read The Christian Chick's Guide to Surviving Divorce. It is a really good book. In order for me to get through my day-to-day life during this limbo period, I think I need to get comfortable with the idea of life after divorce. I have terrible feelings of embarrassment, failure, guilt, and shame. I never in a million years would have thought that I would lose my wife's love.

One really important section of the book that hit home was putting my wife above God and making her an idol. I think that I have done this throughout my marriage. And at times, I have lost my connection with God by being too focused on my wife. I need to reconnect with God during this time. If my faith grows during this time of turmoil that will be a great positive to come out of this. I also hope to use this experience to help others how are suffering from divorce and to help people build stronger marriages.

Throughout most of my life I consistently said that divorce is one of the only crosses that I can't bear. It is eery how divorce has consistently been one of my biggest fears in life, and now it might actually happen to me. The feeling of abandonment is such a dreadful feeling. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. God please give comfort to all of us suffering here on this forum and those suffering through relationship issues around the world.


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May God bless you and keep you!


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Thank you, Steve!!


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Goals for the day:

1. Keep giving space and more space.
2. Do chores alongside my wife to show that I am a good partner, but as soon as done give space.
3. Work out
4. Talk to wife about reducing MC to once a month


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Destroyed. From a religious and spiritual perspective, Divorce is evil. It is encouraged by our society through no fault divorces, lawyers, media, mediators, courts, celebrities, and selfishness as individuals, whether well intending or not. There is no sense of sacrifice or honor in it whatsoever. There is way too much encouragement and emphasis in western society IMO that you have to be self empowered, you have to find your purpose, and you have to be happy to have a fruitful life. If that life involves leaving your spouse then so be it. Not that there's anything wrong with pursuing these things in life, but at what cost? Typically the cost of the potentiality of our children.

I can't speak for everyone, but I am confidant that some of us would rather be miserable and keep the family intact to see if things can be worked out, and the fog cleared over time. If there's one thing I've learned from this forum and many other sources is that most people think happiness comes from achievement, experiences, inner work, confidence and purpose. This is true to an extent. But then what? What's next? What comes next? The relationship that we have with happiness needs to be a balance one. We need happiness to remain motivated with purpose. What most people don't realize what the cost is in a long-term when severing a marriage or family.

What I find absolutely fascinating is, women are great planners as far as social occasions, entertainment, achievement, self improvement, intuition, and planning on moving forward in getting away from us and on with their lives moving forward. They are not happy so they need to do something or change something with their lives. They no longer derive happiness in their perception from their marriage so it must be the marriage? Right? Even though happiness brings contention and satisfaction? What most of our WAW do not recognize is that happiness is fleeting like any other emotion. It is only temporary. Its supposed to come and go despite it motivating us to do bigger and better things. Like a child temporary fascinated with a new toy, and then within hours, throwing it into a corner out of boredom. Happiness has its place to an individual, but we must recognised its value and pitfalls, pros and cons, for what it is from a balanced perspective.

I've mistakenly at times tried bargain with God and I stopped that. I know that we all have free will and God cannot control my wife's decisions. I just hope that one day she sees things as they are one day with a dose of humility. Divorced, separated or not... I think we all just want to be validated and understood.

God wants us to be happy, but first and foremost God calls us to be obedient, commited, and disciplined first, My W is a Christian. She says she prays every night, and I believe her. But she takes a no interest in the bible, its stories, meaning, parables, its application, despite being given to her by her minister of a grandfather. She also has a book for women on daily devotionals for people of separation and divorce. She probably only read about 15 pages in the last 7 months. My take on things is the Heart Wants What It Wants. But the heart can be deceived and misled through emotions. I'm willing to bet that most of our spouses have only read about the direction that they think they should take, about thriving after divorce, about self-empowerment, self improvement, etc. They are continually looking for encouragement beyond the the marriage for themselves, but I'm willing to bet they never investigate the consequences.

I'm willing to bet that they haven't read or investigated the other side of divorce. How it mentally affects our children, their upbringing, and their behaviors as a result of divorce, effects some of their potential outcomes in life. How most likely that's someone that our WAS dates after us, there is an exponentially higher chance of foul play, molestation at worse, and family dynamic confusion at best with blended families. MWD even states these statistics in her book. (Think of a five-year-old yelling to to anex spouses new boyfriend yelling YOUR NOT MY DADDY!! Or to a GF YOUR NOT MY MOMMY.) LOL. Nothing but tension and competition between personal relationships and children. It's a freaking mess.

Im going to make a battle of the sexes, political and media argument here and am probably going to get roasted for it, but whatever.

I think men in general in today's western society need to grow up (including myself) and study the ways of old dynamics from the past 70 years of values, what it means to be a man, a father, and a husband, despite it not fitting very well into today's model of reality. The nuclear family is a thing of the past unfortunately, along with Its stability, because of economics, current culture, and propaganda. Its practically impossible to carry on traditional gender roles in today's relationships, marriages, and families without a backlash. I have noticed within my own M the double standards that my W has, and has tried to demasculate me and challenge me on certain things, which i have stood on. Some of these things have caused the dissolution of my marriage. But I won't compromise my traditional principles and values. I think that we cherry pick on both sides of ideals, what should be traditional and what should be current. I agree that marriage should be an equal partnership of value, commitment, understanding, and growth, but men and women will never be equals. Its very egalitarian. When you think about it I mean really think about it we are not even equal to ourselves, because we are always changing. We are never static. Not that either sex is superior to their opposite. Just different. They should compliment one another. But it is my HO that feminism has sold a bunch of lies to women falsely empowering them they can have it all. That they can be strong and independent, be single moms, that they should never need a man, but want one for their own benefit, that comes with such a high list of expectations that no human can fulfil thanks to Disney, movies, and media. They are easily influenced by fiction, novels, media, trends, social dynamics, etc.
While going out the door yesterday, I actually caught my W filling out a survey of what Disney Princess she equivilates to go post on FB. They want the fantasy. Rarely do they with objectivities explore the realities of seperating, and the pit falls of it. They just want to escape from being unhappy, they want to run, they want to explore, they want rebuild themselves and trust themselves. I get that.

Men of today need a kick in the behind too, with the pornography (guilty) the immaturity, the expectations, arrogance, etc. (By all means please point out to me how you think men can be better today, if I am not seeing it at this time.) A lot of them have NGS. Lack of purpose, fortitude, etc.

Where I'm going with this is these are all divisions created by Satan. Men are asked to act more like women and women are asked to act more like men today. Its unnatural. Add support of groups of either extremists, that support the role reversals, and you wonder why there is conflict and confusion, within the family, the marriage, and society from the societal values of old. If you ever noticed these days everything is about the self. Self-empowerment self-improvement self-help self independence, and the like. Satan has been very successful in sowing discord within our Western Society because of the freedoms that we have in it, are slowly losing, and has gone from a nation of great value to a nation of self entitlement and promiscuity. Community starts with the family, not the other way around IMO.

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IH,

The only problem I have with this is that this is men vs. women. And whether one sex is more prone to this or not, both sexes are equally effected. Let me give you two recent examples:

My W and I are good friends with another couple. Recently, (last 5-6 months) we have noticed a definite pullback by the W of this friend couple. She engages less with my W, is less responsive, less willing to do thing with her. Etc. So obviously this woman is going through something in her own life that is causing this, but if my W was invested in that friendship more than she is for her happiness, I think you could see the effect that has.

Secondly, my daughter has been best friends with a girl in her class for about a year now. They were good friends before that, but have been best friends since then. This girl has called my W and I her second parents. Jokes about moving into one of our spare bedrooms, needing a key to her home, etc. But in the last week or so she has started to flake out on my daughter including posting something on social media about needing to find a new BF for the summer. My daughter has been distraught. And I've tried to have discussions with her about finding happiness from within, that friendships at her stage of life are fluid, and that no one I know in my peer group is still "best friends" with their best friend from high school.

I'll also add that males can have this phenomenon too. I've had many friends that I was close to suddenly start ghosting me (including one recently who I think is angry that I wouldn't skip mid-week Bible study to attend a concert with him).

Obviously, this forum is marriage focused and therefore has microscope on the male-female relationship dynamic. And rightfully so. And IH while you hit on some good topics here, especially Satan's role in turning upside down a hierarchy that God put into place, I think to primarily blame women is probably misguided. Our society makes it so it seems more of a issue with women, however, many other societies in the world do not have the same dynamic.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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