I feel that it would really be a step backwards for me to stop MC. It seems really important to my wife, even though I don't think that it is really helping anything. In her mind, it is a safe space to talk. She is afraid of conflict, so she likes have the mediator in the room.
Two things stand out:
"This is not helping anything." Then you, as the man, need to "decided" not to go.
You need to be safe to talk to. That means shut up and listen with full attention on her and validate when she comes to you to talk. Follow all the DB rules and do not initiate. Do not let her disrespect you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If your wife has already dropped the bomb, can using the love languages still help?
As long as you do them in a non-needy way, maybe.
The biggest issue 99% of the time is there is OM. Or at least a fantasy of one.
The best thing you can do is increase Alpha male traits. Change your behavior. Change your look. Change your beliefs. Change your thought processes. Change your voice.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I feel that it would really be a step backwards for me to stop MC. It seems really important to my wife, even though I don't think that it is really helping anything. In her mind, it is a safe space to talk. She is afraid of conflict, so she likes have the mediator in the room.
You know why it's important to her? So that she can tell her kids later "we tried everything, even MC". I think deep down you know this is true. This is the only reason a woman that is "done" attends MC.
I am scared that you are right Steve, but why do you think I will be better off stopping the MC? Even though I don't think it is really helping, I am not sure why stopping is better. I think in her eyes, it will look like I am not trying and this will give her further justification for D.
The last few nights have been so lonely in my house. I keep going to sleep around 9:30PM because I am emotionally exhausted. I feel like my wife is going through a MLC and is a WAS both at the same time. She is dressing differently, listening to pop music and rap, and focused obsessively on exercising. All she thinks about each day is getting her two hour exercise in. If she doesn't, she is miserable.
I still don't think she is having an affair, but when I read these forums, it sure seems like you guys would think she is. Even though I am still living in the same house with my wife, I sure do miss her.
I feel that it would really be a step backwards for me to stop MC. It seems really important to my wife, even though I don't think that it is really helping anything. In her mind, it is a safe space to talk. She is afraid of conflict, so she likes have the mediator in the room.
You know why it's important to her? So that she can tell her kids later "we tried everything, even MC". I think deep down you know this is true. This is the only reason a woman that is "done" attends MC.
I am scared that you are right Steve, but why do you think I will be better off stopping the MC? Even though I don't think it is really helping, I am not sure why stopping is better. I think in her eyes, it will look like I am not trying and this will give her further justification for D.
Typical LBS fear. You answered your own question: "Even though I don't think it is really helping"
Remember, do what works, don't do what doesn't work. Going to MC with a WAW going through motions never works. Remember what I said about doing things she doesn't expect. She expects that you will continue MC. So think about how it will surprise her.....and it will make her curious, if you stop it. And it will make her even more curious when you say "I need to work on myself so I am going to start IC" will make her even more curious. Curiosity breeds interest. Interest is how attraction starts.
Remember, this stuff is counter-intuitive, but what is intuitive in these sitches have a very small chance of working. Think 5%. The counter-intuitive gives you a better chance. No guarantees, as there are no such thing in these things. Remember, saving your marriage is out of your hands. It is not in your control. So work on saving yourself.....and maybe the marriage will come along as well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When I got hit with BD I went into full research mode. I found a lot of anti-D, save your marriage experts and authors. MWD being one of them. They agreed on some things, they disagreed on some things. But universally, all of them, whether they were the "don't pressure or pursue type", or the "reconnect and work on showing love type", agreed one thing: DO NOT DO MC.
MC has a very low success rate. In fact, most of the experts said that the one thing that virtually guaranteed a D was MC.
Now if you read my threads you'll see that my W and I did MC. However, I should point out that the MC we did was less MC and more IC for me with her present. MC should be reserved for couples with both people committed to saving the marriage. Once she got on board then our sessions transitioned to more traditional MC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I had an absolute terrible marriage counseling session today. I have tried to make so many 180s, but I have not made any progress in winning back my wife's love. I know this shouldn't be my expectation from the advice on this site, but it is so counterintuitive.
I love my wife and kids so much. I just don't want my family destroyed.
During the counseling session she said that she has been unhappy and lonely for so many years and is just done.I never in a million years would have thought that she has been this unhappy. I have always thought we got along really well. Sure, there were reoccurring problems by both of us, but not to the extent that I thought our marriage was in trouble. PLEASE GOD HELP ME.
Ovr, see bolded line.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I had an absolute terrible marriage counseling session today. I have tried to make so many 180s, but I have not made any progress in winning back my wife's love. I know this shouldn't be my expectation from the advice on this site, but it is so counterintuitive.
I love my wife and kids so much. I just don't want my family destroyed.
During the counseling session she said that she has been unhappy and lonely for so many years and is just done.I never in a million years would have thought that she has been this unhappy. I have always thought we got along really well. Sure, there were reoccurring problems by both of us, but not to the extent that I thought our marriage was in trouble. PLEASE GOD HELP ME.
Ovr, see bolded line.
In more plain English this is a sign of depression, you did not break her and you can not fix her.
Getting divorced will not make her more happy, she must do that herself.
All you can do is FIX yourself and make yourself into a person only a FOOL would leave. You might be married to a FOOL but that is out of your control.
I had an absolute terrible marriage counseling session today. I have tried to make so many 180s, but I have not made any progress in winning back my wife's love. I know this shouldn't be my expectation from the advice on this site, but it is so counterintuitive.
I love my wife and kids so much. I just don't want my family destroyed.
During the counseling session she said that she has been unhappy and lonely for so many years and is just done.I never in a million years would have thought that she has been this unhappy. I have always thought we got along really well. Sure, there were reoccurring problems by both of us, but not to the extent that I thought our marriage was in trouble. PLEASE GOD HELP ME.
Ovr, see bolded line.
In more plain English this is a sign of depression, you did not break her and you can not fix her.
Getting divorced will not make her more happy, she must do that herself.
All you can do is FIX yourself and make yourself into a person only a FOOL would leave. You might be married to a FOOL but that is out of your control.
Concentrate on the things you can control. YOU!
Cadet,
I think you are so right. She is depressed. She always hated being a SAHM, but she was scared to actually get a job. Then she says that she is the only adult in the relationship. Meanwhile I am a highly functioning executive. Unbelievable.
I need a plan for fixing myself. I have lost 50 pounds so far, but I really need to get interests outside of the house. I love watching football, but I don't have many hobbies that don't involve just reading.
