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I think your words are very misogynistic IH. My H is in some ways acting very much like your W. It's about POWER, not about gender. There are elements of gender to it and people's assumptions about how people should behave, but fundamentally the WAS is the one with the power.

If I'm honest, I read some of the stuff you write about your W and about women on here IH and I think that I too would not want to be married to you, I know here is where you unload but if a fraction of that seeps into RL, then just ugh, no. Stop reading and spouting sexist guff on the internet and take a good look at yourself, quit the anger and blaming. It's never going to attract your W back or a new woman to you. And that statement is gender neutral, I promise you, anger and blaming is unattractive in anyone! I'm not saying there are no differences between the sexes, but from reading most sitches here both men and women behave very similarly and as the LBS we suffer the same pain.

ALSO, one thing I've noticed a lot on here is that men mostly comment on men's sitches and women on women's sitches. It's weird, we have a LOT to learn from the other sex. But honestly I don't feel that comfortable coming onto threads like this with misogynistic rants on them, and perhaps us women are unconsciously doing something more subtle but similar. I have 2 sons so I am very careful not to label men in negative ways, but these things are insidious.

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dillydaf, I tend to post in men's threads only because I can relate much better to a LBH than I can a LBW. To help a LBW more I feel I would have needed to have been a WAH at some point, but I never have been. Obviously there are differences based on gender, whether we like to admit it or not.

Also, please go easy on IH. My guess is that he is jaded due to dealing with his WAW. My guess is that most of his ranting is due to the pain and hurt from that experience. Bitterness is clearly something we LBSs can deal with in a myriad of directions. Pain is pain, and IH ranting occasionally, I think, is his outlet for trying to reduce his pain.

Anyway, back to Destroyd sitch, Destroyd, I see you moving to a much healthier place in your recent posts and I think that is to be commended.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Steve: I agree that there are differences based on gender, which is why it's valuable to get different perspectives. Otherwise we end up with segregated threads and entrenched views, and entrenched views are partly how we got here! I think that part of the problem in my M is that my H is a ridiculously hard working breadwinner and I ended up as an unappreciated SAHM, and we lived such separate lives both of us felt resentful of each other and unvalued and lacking in understanding of the other person's perspective. In any M there are inequalities and misunderstandings and these creep in and multiply over time, sometimes these are gender-based and sometimes they're power-based, and the two interact.

Steve: I valued reading your thread because your description of your behaviour pre BD was very like my H's, and it gave me hope in him changing. Getting a male perspective is good even if it's a LBH instead of a WAH, because there are certain ways of looking at a situation that you might understand differently from a woman. For example, my H has said to me frequently that his ego is everything, and that embarrassment is the one thing he cannot tolerate. He works in a hugely competitive environment (of mostly men) and it is really hard for me to understand from a female perspective, because it is SO male-oriented.

And oh, the bitterness is so hard to avoid isn't it? But I want IH to be better, not bitter. I found it empowering to step out of blaming and bitterness (though I have to admit to a right old pity party on the phone to a friend this morning though, thank goodness I didn't ring my H then!) because bitterness gives all the power to your spouse. So I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt earlier IH, I like Steve's explanation of you ranting to decrease pain. Natural, but ultimately unproductive I think. And it's so much easier to see bitterness and victim behaviour in other people than in ourselves, I usually have to spot it in someone else to make me reflect how I'm doing it myself.

Sorry for the thread hijack Destroyd smile

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Dilly, I wrote a similar post to yours to IH but ended up deleting it since this isn't his thread. Plus I don't want anyone here to feel I'm attacking them so instead I will share a personal story of where that chosen path leads. My friend's XW cheated on him and left him. This was before my sitch so I knew nothing of DBing and did not have the equipment to help him through it, which I regret. He handled it poorly, turned to drinking, gained a lot of weight, lost his zest for life. They've been divorced a good 10 years now and he has never dated again. He is still extremely anger and bitter about his divorce. He now lumps all women into one category, they are all liars, cheaters, they think XYZ while men think ABC, men and women aren't compatible, etc. etc. etc. It has affected his personal life, his work life, his relationship with his kids, everything. He doesn't take care of himself or his kids or his home or his cars because he just doesn't care about anything, his whole attitude is "what's the point". And of course even though it's 10 years later it's his ex's fault for every bad thing that continues to happen in his life.

I would just implore anyone going through this misery to work hard to be optimistic about your future. You may not be able to choose to stay with your spouse, but you CAN choose whether to be happy and positive (after getting through the grief after BD of course) or angry and pessimistic. Whichever path you choose, don't blame your spouse, YOU chose that path. I've said it before but the end of my M wasn't the end of my "book" even though I thought for a long time that it would be. It was the close of one chapter of that book and the opening of another. Most of us have many chapters in our life, how boring would your book be if it was just one chapter long? This may be happening against your will but you have 100% control of your future. You control your own destiny.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I responded to dilly in her thread. However, I have to shout a loud "AMEN" to what AS posted here. LBSs should get into IC, in my opinion, THE DAY AFTER BD. Moving forward healthy and happy is the most important thing.

We've had posters here that bucked that. "I don't have time." "I can't afford it." "I don't like counseling." Where there is a will there is a way. Further, you cannot afford NOT to deal with this in a proper way.


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Also want to note - if you are lucky, some employers offer programs (sometimes called Employee Assistance Program) which offer free counseling sessions if affordability is a problem.

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AS: I have a friend who got Ded 10 years ago and is similarly crushed and bitter and unable to enjoy her life. It is very sad to see and makes me determined not to end up there, she is such a victim and it's such a poor place to be. Yes, we all need to grieve our M and suffer through the pain of BD, but once that pain has lessened somewhat (that pain doesn't last forever thank goodness), then I agree that you have to make active efforts to choose life and to reject bitterness. It's difficult, because bitterness is such a natural response, it's so EASY to blame the person you trusted for betraying that trust. But the older you get the more you realise that with everything in life it's a case of picking yourself up after setbacks and continuing with a PMA. And some days you wallow and then you decide to move forwards and be a better person.

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Originally Posted by dillydaf
AS: I have a friend who got Ded 10 years ago and is similarly crushed and bitter and unable to enjoy her life. It is very sad to see and makes me determined not to end up there, she is such a victim and it's such a poor place to be. Yes, we all need to grieve our M and suffer through the pain of BD, but once that pain has lessened somewhat (that pain doesn't last forever thank goodness), then I agree that you have to make active efforts to choose life and to reject bitterness. It's difficult, because bitterness is such a natural response, it's so EASY to blame the person you trusted for betraying that trust. But the older you get the more you realise that with everything in life it's a case of picking yourself up after setbacks and continuing with a PMA. And some days you wallow and then you decide to move forwards and be a better person.


Man I pray that I am not still terribly bitter after 10 years. That is no way to live. God hates divorce. It is such a terrible experience. I read someone recently say it was like licking the floor of Hell. I think that is such a true statement.


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Hi Destroyed, it's amazing you've hung in so long while feeling that heartbroken! Take care.

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When and how did you guys tell your kids? Did you tell that that there were marriage problems before separation?


M: 22, T: 27
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BD: 12/15/18
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