Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks A...I feel very grounded with it and very much in control of my emotions, centered. Our lives, patterns, lifestyles, etc. are so similar it has made things really easy. She is so sweet, loving, caring and brings out the best in me. She would also be an excellent role model for my girls. That said I am nervous, excited but I am a very lucky man.

It is a big change after being with someone like my XW for so many years who was a taker and very critical/controlling. In all fairness though this is not a 17 year relationship either and it should be this way early on. She is the polar opposite of my XW and while that is really awesome I have struggled with it as well. I read something that essentially said that you know when you are over your X when you are open to dating or being with someone that doesn't look/act like them or the same pattern will repeat. I am trying to break the cycle.

Obviously who knows what will happen in the future however I do see her in it. We still have not met each others kids yet, coordinating meeting some friends but no other discussions at this point. We are still getting to know each other as well in many ways although she has been who she said she was all along and she still has not waivered. It does feel like both of our guards are continuing to come down. It's not easy for either one of us to feel vulnerable and really let our emotions go there. I also think I am starting to see her for who she is really is.

That said I am just taking one day at a time. I will see her again tomorrow night and then we have the whole weekend to spend with each other.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
That's great! But WHEN are you going to start meeting each other's friends? That should happen soon.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
We are going to meet some of my friends this Friday night. I have met her friends at her ranch and have a double date planned with one of her closest friends and her boyfriend the weekend of 6/29. Neither one of us have a very wide circle so it there not that many to meet.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I knew she loved you 😉

At 9 months We are still learning more and more about each other. Love styles, communication styles, our needs in the relationship, etc. just keep getting to know each other. No big major commitments need to be made yet. You are exclusive. You don’t need to get married anytime soon. No ones biological clock is ticking .

Enjoy it

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thank G....I could feel it as well. It is scary and exciting, at times I do find myself looking forward at what potentially could be. We went to the gym together this morning and I will see her tonight. There have been no more I love you's exchanged since Sunday night. I do get the feeling that she has pulled back some, not in contacting me but with expressing her feelings. That's ok though I don't need to hear it every day or express it to her every day either. I think we are both sort of feeling each other out if that makes sense.

Obviously the next steps are meeting friends and meeting kids however I don't anticipate any issues. I do agree though one day at a time, slow and steady, there is no rush, just enjoy each others company.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Good for you!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks D...…..saw the dr. last night for a couple of hours. Our normal mid-week get together and then I saw her briefly at the gym this morning.

We exchanged the words again last night, I could tell it is something she is still getting comfortable with. She told me she was scared of getting hurt again. I told her the same thing on my end so I understood. I am starting to see a more sensitive side to her, I am starting to see her walls come down, seeing that she is not as strong as what she leads on to believe. I think I really sensed it last night for the first time. We will see each other again on Friday night, I got us tickets to the Improv.

My XW was the type of person who would want me to drive but would then criticize how fast as I was going, or how close I was to another vehicle, etc. Sex to her was a means to the end, performing her womanly duties, no problems receiving pleasure but having a hard time giving it (wanting it to end quickly). She wanted time to herself, liked to sleep in, take naps, family vacations never happened because taking them didn't sound like fun to her since our kids were little. The Dr. and I got on this subject last night (as she was talking about her X) and I found myself struggling to think of one thing I actually missed about my XW outside of the idea it was my XW (and the mother of my children). I can't think of one memory that I enjoyed or something about my XW that I truly missed. The only thing I come back to is that she is the mother of my children. That seems really crazy after being with someone for 17 years.

Sometimes I wonder if I suffered years of abuse and I never knew it since I was in it. Do I really know, understand, and can appreciate what a normal relationship looks like with someone. What a partner is like who is a giver, not a taker that is not controlling, who is kind, loving, caring, sweet, and wants to spend time with you. When I tell my mom about the Dr. she gets all excited and tells me that I deserve someone that is nice to me.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
It's like I told people after I decided that I was done with my own marriage. You never know you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine. Call it Stockholm Syndrome if you like perhaps wink

It doesn't take too much effort to remember good times with my ex but yes - for me as well it was pretty much all about her and her wants as well. At least that's my perception 3 years out.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I do often wonder though, we accuse our ex’s of rewriting history when they leave us, but do we rewrite history when we are dating someone new and experience something different?

Do we do the same they do?

Or did we really have miserable marriages?

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Originally Posted by AndrewP
It's like I told people after I decided that I was done with my own marriage. You never know you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine. Call it Stockholm Syndrome if you like perhaps wink

It doesn't take too much effort to remember good times with my ex but yes - for me as well it was pretty much all about her and her wants as well. At least that's my perception 3 years out.


I wonder if that is common for the LBS. When I read J9's post, I thought, yeah, I get it. I have few good memories of my XH. Sure, if I REALLY put some effort into it, I can think some happy times, but really, what stands out most is how it was all about his wants and needs and I didn't even realize it when I was living it. I didn't realize it because I am a giver. I have seen that quote before that says something about givers have to learn to set boundaries because takers never have any. So, so true! Even in BD and D, my XH, who was always the focus of anything going on, tried to blame a lot of crap on me that just wasn't the case.

Interesting to hear it from a man's perspective, from you and J9 both, but it really does make me wonder if this is just how it is for the LBS, regardless of gender.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard