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I am back from my week away. It was amazing. I noticed that I felt so comfortable and calm on my own - really content in the silence and my own company. I've always been more of an introvert than an extrovert, but I notice I need to give myself a lot of distractions - internet, audiobooks, work in the house, obsession with my career, etc. Just to sit quietly on my own with nothing to do or be, or walk out in nature with no particular achievement or destination in mind was a massive 180 and I felt all the better for it and really want to build more of that into my life.

Another positive - it seemed that Eldest and H got on fine when I was away. It looks like standards in the house were pretty low (ironic really, given that it was him who wanted the kids on a schedule of chores and wanted me to do more housework...) but I suspect he was exhausted and basically doing the bare minimum to keep things ticking over. Which is fine - I have my own routines and there's no need for us to parent exactly the same way. Eldest didn't bring down any of his laundry to be done all week, so H said that Eldest had to do it himself this weekend (which is fair and I totally agree with that) and Eldest seems to have done that without complaint.

H texted me affectionately goodnight every night when I was away. It was nice. I had some bad news on the last day - a friend of mine (not close, but more than an acquaintance) died by suicide. It was totally unexpected. I ended up calling H in the middle of the night (he absolutely hates being woken up) and we spoke for about 15 minutes. He was actually very kind. He said something like, 'I'm worried I am not saying the right thing but I'm sorry you're so upset' and it made me realise how totally inadequate he feels when I express strong emotions. I texted him the next morning to tell him I was going to come home a few hours earlier than planned (I was sad and really wanted to see my kids) and that I was grateful to him for being there, even though it was the middle of the night, and what he said was just fine and enough.

Me getting home was another matter. I was tearful and needy - the news about my friend had really sunk in on the drive home. And he was tired and sick (again - I wish he'd go to the doctor, but he won't. He is very run down and has had some kind of feverish cold / throat / ear type pain for over six weeks...) and the kids had worn him out and I think was obviously worried about what state I'd be in and what I would want from him. And I was upset and wanting - just once - to come home and have someone be pleased to see me and wanted to know if I was okay, rather than be irritated or guarded or disappointed or just not interested. It was tricky. I think we made it though okay in the end.

Some interesting things: he is putting A LOT of effort into rearranging new working hours for easier family life, less shift work and to make room for us to have a regular MC appointment, though he says he isn't ready to start yet and won't be - in practical terms - for another couple of weeks. When I was upset when I got home he started talking - again - about our past and the times I had not been there for him. I just could not have any more of it. I said 'I am never listening to you battering me with the past ever again,' and I left the room. Then he wanted to talk to me about how I was dismissing his feelings. I held tight to my boundary and said 'you can talk to me about your feelings. You can tell me what you want and need. You can tell me what is on your mind. But it is your responsibility to find a way to communicate that to me without couching it in blame and criticism, because I have flourished after escaping from that, and I'll never put myself through it again.' He was pretty shocked at that. But I think the message did go in because he stopped.

I guess he just has nothing much to offer at the moment in the way of repair, or comfort. There are really good reasons why he's in that state and I don't blame him for them. I can see that he wanted to, I can see that he tried. And I can also see that - I think - be brings up the past in order to illustrate the times when I have fallen short, as he is falling short now, as a way of getting me to understand or show some patience. But I'm not listening to that any more. If he wants to sit in blame and resentment, he can do it alone. I think we could have a really good future together - something new, not a repair of the old - but I am not sure I am ready and I don't think he is either.

I am sad today about my friend. I have spent so long surviving, and living a joyless existence entirely focussed on my work and the problems in my marriage. I plan to live with as much happiness as I can and get all the enjoyment out of each day as I can, and I'd love to be able to share that with H but if he doesn't want to take that journey with me I will go ahead and take it on my own.

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Please start a new thread and link both threads together.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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