You are spinning hun. Breath. It will be ok. We all fall of the horse. It was before your time here, but after months of DBg I basically threw myself at my H in the most disgraceful way. And I will tell you what all the good people here told me - stop beating yourself up and get back on that horse. You can do this.
You can gloss over it and pretend it didnt happen, go dark or apologise. Do whatever feels right for you. I will bet my last dollar that he would like to pretend it didnt happen. They dont like emotions - it makes them uncomfortable.
FYI - i apologised. Im sorry for my behavior. This is hard but i know that that wasnt fair on you and it is beneath me. It wont happen again. And then carried on. I have faltered since, but never to the same extent.
You will be fine. Head high, back straight, one day at a time. One breath at a time.
Gosh Alison- when you'd said you'd done something insane I thought you'd lost your sh** and killed him.
I don't think anybody needs to point out it goes against DB principles; you know that already.
But i'm going to look at it differently. If you've reached the end of your tolerance then that's your right. Essentially you've said 'be in this marriage, all in, or get out' I don't think that's any different from my 'I'm not continuing in a 3 person relationship, so it's over'
So, you've reached your boundary. Let's hope that he knows you well enough to know that you mean it. And if you mean it then follow it through. Last resort technique.
If tomorrow you have regrets then apologise or pretend it didn't happen.
Only you can decide which route to follow. You are strong enough for whichever route you choose.
I agree Allison, it hurts and you want your H back. If he is already gone then what you did was not wrong. It was your choice. There is no right or wrong, its only what you feel is right or wrong to do. If you felt the need to tell him that, then thats your choice, so dont beat yourself up about it.
If you are honestly to the point where you want him back or nothing, then its probably a good thing you voiced that to him. Maybe its time for LRT for you. Maybe you need to start moving on and remove him from your heart.
I made that decision with my EXWW. She pushed the D along finally and I agreed and signed it all without hesitation, because I am way to valuable to be sitting around waiting for someone who has shown me they dont care about me and that they will choose their selfish desires before me.
I dropped that rope and lit it on fire. I will not play games or wait around. I have way too much to live for and way too much to offer. My EXWW wanted out, she got it and I will NOT look back. I absolutely miss my wife, but not this selfish NPD shell of my wife. The person that I loved is long gone and therefore, so am I.
You will find love again. If your H doesnt come back, you will find someone that will cherish you, love you, support you, empathize with you, adore you, pay attention to you, life you up and treat you like the goddess that you are, because you deserve that. I promise that you will feel better. I am on my last two days in my home with my EXWW and my kids. Then I am off on my own in the wild for the first time ever with my kids half the time. I am looking forward to steering my own life and meeting my own goals. You will get to the same point by choosing to do so. When the time is right for you.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Can you explain the last resort technique? I think I might be there.
LRT is literally ending it all and walking away, going dark, moving on, with a slight hope that this will jar your WAS into realizing they are losing you. But you are doing this with full knowing that you are going to completely end your MR. You are there when you are completely detached and completely moving forward with zero expectations from your WAS.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thank you everyone. Yorkie - you did make me laugh. I think spousal murder would be a DB first, wouldn't it? Possibly a rather drastic way of applying the LRT.
Well, he came back. He went to his own house first and picked up a few things then turned up at the door. He gave me a hug and said he didn't want any heavy conversations tonight because he was tired and had had a really bad night the night before with nightmares and anxiety. I said okay. So we sat and had our lamb dinner and after tea watched a film sitting together on the settee. I took the dog out, we went to bed. Youngest was a bit unwell and upset so in the end she slept in bed with H and I slept in her bed, which was fine.
There was a moment when I was cleaning up after tea and locking up the house and I went to him while he was sorting out Youngest and asked if he needed anything (I was thinking tea, calpol, etc) and he said 'it's going to take more than a lamb dinner and you wearing a bit of lipstick,' and I said, 'I know that,' and he said 'I don't think you have any idea what I want,' and I said, 'you could tell me,' and he said 'I just need to rest,' and I said, 'Well rest. And there's no need to be cruel,' and he said 'I told you I didn't want to talk about anything tonight,' and I said 'yes, and all I've done is ask you if you need anything while you're putting Youngest to bed,' and he accepted that. He came to me afterwards for a hug and I said 'you're allowed to be out of sorts and in need of rest,' and he said thank you, then we all went to sleep.
He's off to work now. He's coming home at lunch time to take care of Youngest and dog while I do Eldest's hospital appointment. That is practically much better than us all going together - esp. as Youngest is under the weather - and I hope will make it easier for me just to get on with the day and not replay old memories. What happens after that I don't know. I can cope with him being depressed and exhausted. I can cope with things between us being fragile and it taking a long time - and MC - for it to be repaired between us - I can cope with him not being perfect and my own anxieties about that. All that is fine. But I won't put up with him throwing the past in my face at every opportunity or complaining about things without participating in a resolution. He knows that full well. Its time for me to put my money where my mouth is.
Time will tell I suppose. The ultimatum was against DB principles and will probably blow up in my face at some point. I suspect he will stay a couple of days then sneak off back to his own house, claiming that he'd never agreed to come back permanently and I am manipulating him and controlling him. If he does that, he is free to leave - he was always free to leave - but then I go to LRT and he doesn't have a wife. Maybe I should have been more patient - but my needs matter too and it's either this or the LRT which I am ready to do and very clear about and I would rather that than limping along in this half-life any longer with him making vague promises about the future and me tossing and turning and being ambivalent about them.
Well, I'm shocked. There was me thinking that my marriage had broken down because I didn't cook lamb dinner nor wear lipstick. I'll have to rethink now.
What a numpty comment but in the spirit of harmony we'll let it go!!
Alison, you are now going to have to box clever. You need to be very specific in your interactions or he's going to misread them. "do you want a cup of tea or any calpol for youngest"
It's good to be realistic but if you act as if you expect him to fail then it may be a self fulling prophecy. Live in the moment and try not to worry about if he's going to bottle it in a couple of days. I think it will come across in your body language and conversations.
But do stick to your boundary about the blaming and cruel talking. Tell him you won't listen to it and leave the room / the house / put the phone down whatever.
Nothing has to be said at the moment. Just get used to being in each other's space for now. Let him be and see that you are not going to force anything. He's fallen out of his boat, he's swirling in the rapids trying to hang on. Every time you try to get some rational actions and sense out of him, he doesn't hear the sense, just hears pressure to 'get back in the bl**dy boat"
I think nothing should be said for the time being. I think he's burned out and depressed. I also wonder if he's going to feel resentful and forced into a corner by me. He is going to feel pressured. He has a right to feel that. There is pressure here and I am applying it. The corner he is in is to work on our marriage, or watch me end it - and yes, he can feel as resentful about that as he likes, but I won't tolerate a half-life any longer. It might be that if I'd waited another three months then he'd have had his time to rest and reflect and come back to me on his own, but that wasn't possible for me - it was a boundary - and that is where we are. I think he does believe this. Which doesn't mean I expect hearts and flowers and a happy ending today.
I think I need to carry on with GAL and 180s and detaching and as far as I can, ignore his numpty comments (which come from fear and resentment and uncertainty - and I can have empathy with that because I feel it too, but I've had the rest and reflection time that he hasn't had) and set a boundary on the blaming and cruel behaviour. I won't argue with him about it, but I won't get embroiled in it any more either. I can be caring and loving without being a doormat. That's going to be hard for me, but that's my problem and not his. And I know in my heart of hears I am ready to end this marriage if he isn't able to participate in repair. I need to think to myself about what small steps from him would look like to me. But for the time being he can rest and we can talk about starting MC in a couple of weeks.
There was a moment when I was cleaning up after tea and locking up the house and I went to him while he was sorting out Youngest and asked if he needed anything (I was thinking tea, calpol, etc) and he said 'it's going to take more than a lamb dinner and you wearing a bit of lipstick,' and I said, 'I know that,' and he said 'I don't think you have any idea what I want,' and I said, 'you could tell me,' and he said 'I just need to rest,' and I said, 'Well rest. And there's no need to be cruel,' and he said 'I told you I didn't want to talk about anything tonight,' and I said 'yes, and all I've done is ask you if you need anything while you're putting Youngest to bed,' and he accepted that. He came to me afterwards for a hug and I said 'you're allowed to be out of sorts and in need of rest,' and he said thank you, then we all went to sleep.
You don't have any idea what I want, ugh! HOW ABOUT THEY JUST COMMUNICATE WITH US???!!! In reality he means HE doesn't have any idea what he wants. Which sounds just like my H. And he sounds burnt out and unhappy and exhausted. Which also sounds just like my H. At what stage will they take a good long look at themselves and pull themselves out of this abyss?
You're doing fine Alison. And I get the impatience and living a half life, it's so frustrating and painful and seemingly unnecessary. But they're right on here when they say it's a marathon. You're not going to get your H back with grand pronouncements, but by working on your own safety and security and tiny, tiny steps towards him, and then only if he makes tiny, tiny steps towards you. It's like a dance in slow motion. As I told my IC, this marriage took decades and lack of attention to fall apart so it's going to take years to repair and a lot of attention. If it's even possible.
