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Are you back to IC soon? Sounds like something to work on there.

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Yes, today in fact. I don't think I will be ready for piecing, or another R with someone else at some point in the (distant) future, unless I work through this. It does feel like a kind of grief. I know that H is aware of it and feels very burdened by my sadness at him not being what I want him to be - and I get that. The job for me is to process that, and decide if he, as he is, is someone who I want. Today I would say no, without any problems at all. But he is showing willingness to change and see some small changes. I am not in piecing and I am not ready for that - even if it were on offer - but as time goes on I am seeing how unbelievably difficult the task will be. Much more difficult than walking away. It is making me reflect seriously on whether it is worth my while. Whether it would improve my life as it stands today. I won't make a decision today. I will wait until the end of June for us to get into MC and give that a fair chance, and it feels good to me that if MC isn't set up or doesn't work, divorce is a healthy step and an option I can handle.

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How did IC go? And I wouldn't be so sure about walking away being the easy option. Wherever you go, there you are. And you take your issues with you into the next R too. So unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life, best to deal with your issues now...

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It was really hard, actually - the way it sometimes is. We talked a lot about my sadness - she said it didn't sound like I wanted perfection, only an acknowledgement from him that he'd deeply hurt me and I was wounded, and a more reciprocal relationship in terms of care, thought and attention. And that neither of those things were desires that I should work on eliminating. So it put me back a bit really. I guess I thought if I could work through some unreasonable expectations, the sadness would lift. But it really isn't unreasonable to expect that my sadness would be met by compassion from my husband, rather than irritation, anger or indifference. And that the encouragement and affection and effort I am attempting to put his way would be returned a little. I guess I can want what I want, and I need to accept that H does not offer that to me. Being honest with myself, there's no relationship between us now - other than the love I pour into a black hole. And I am entitled to my sadness, but I have to hide it when I am around him because it seems to trigger his anger. I do want to stop doing that. Which means being around him much much less.

I didn't reply to his goodnight message last night. He texted this morning wanting to make arrangements for later in the week, so I see he isn't interested in seeing Youngest tonight either (which is his regular night to come and visit). He's also wanting me to do more childcare at the weekend as he is working on Sunday. It's fine - he took care of them both for me for a full week while I was on holiday and I understand him wanting some time out to himself. But I notice that him initiating contact is to do with him getting something he wants, not offering anything to me.

On Thursday we were supposed to go together to take Eldest to a hospital appointment. It's an outpatient clinic appointment, so nothing risky or terrible, but it is so bound up in memories of this time last year for me and how much he hurt me and let me down. I don't trust myself to actually be able to focus on Eldest on the day if H is there. So I said I'd prefer to take Eldest on my own, and have him just look after Youngest instead. That's a massive 180 for me as I usually cling to him like a limpet when anything stressful is happening, but in my heart of hearts I can't see him being there helping me or helping Eldest and I just don't want to have to go through those memories of him texting his EA woman how much he couldn't wait to see her again. It's just too much for me. I know I need to forgive him for it, but every time he gets annoyed that I am hurt, the process of forgiveness takes a step back and for my own sake, not the sake of the marriage, I just can't put myself through it.

I am very sad today. Am going to walk and do some work and hang out with my kids and just try to let him go.

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I don't think that's entirely fair, actually. I know that he has acknowledged that he has hurt me deeply and that has had a severe effect on me. That there's healing to do that he's caused, but isn't responsible for. That I need to do my own healing. He has acknowledged that. And he has tried to comfort me and show care for me in the past. And he can't do it now, and I am feeling the lack of that, and feeling incredibly vulnerable that I am trying to show him care and encouragement and understanding while there's nothing coming back, and the time when he's always said he will turn back to me and start giving in the relationship is nearly here and I am so afraid. I am afraid there will be more delay and excuses and I'll have believed him all this time for nothing. I'm afraid that we will try to start fixing it and won't be able to. I am afraid that I will never ever be able to do my healing and let go of this sadness about the way he treated me last year, and that will mean our marriage can never heal. I know it is my responsibility but today I just can't seem to do it.

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Alison, you have a great understanding of where you are . Being sad is perfectly natural, none of these is easy , I am sure it is one of the hardest things we will ever go through. I know it doesn’t help , but time will heal you . Just keep moving forward and improve yourself so that when you come out the other side you will be set to have a much better life and experience than before all the heartache.

You can do it , I know you can

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Thanks TryHard.

I've really been upset today. I called H at lunch time and had a brief chat with him about tomorrow. I think he understands why I want to handle it myself, though we didn't really get into it.

I know 100% he is just not available to give anything, or repair anything. And I don't see that changing any time soon. I really don't. I believe that he loves me and he probably does want to repair things, but he just can't. I think he's probably quite severely depressed and he won't seek any help or treatment for that. I suspect over the summer things will improve for him a little bit, in that his working situation will be much much better, but that's temporary, and a far cry from the deep intensive soul searching that a repair to our relationship requires.

And I am just so terribly sad about that. I think I knew that once we got to the end of his major work project, that I'd have all kinds of hopes and expectations that he still wouldn't be able to meet. And that I'd be hurt. And that's where I am today. And tomorrow will probably be better and when I am ready to let go, I will, and I wish I was ready today because I miss my husband and he isn't capable of missing me or turning towards me and it really really hurts.

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Of course it hurts , give yourself and him time , maybe once he has recharged after his project and had some time he will change

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Oh Alison, I don't have any advice, just hugs to offer. I'm sorry you're sad. And I can understand that him being in hospital with you and eldest again would be very triggering.

I kind of think that in order to minimise the horrible memories you need to start painting over them with more positive ones. Maybe that would be somewhere to start? I don't even know what that looks like but maybe you could think of something...

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Oh Dilly. I've done something insane. INSANE.

He texted and asked if he could come over for tea tomorrow night after we get back from the hospital. And I texted back saying I wanted him to come home, properly, tonight. That I wanted flowers and mix tapes and his whole heart and I couldn't hold onto a ghost any more, and if he couldn't come back, I would accept that, and I would be fine. And I texted him a poem. And a link to a song. And I bought a leg of lamb and put it in the oven. And then I bought a packet of cigarettes and sat in the garden getting rained on for an hour.

I know. I know. Whatever 2x4s people are about to dish out to me, I am already dishing them out to myself.

The thing is, I mean it. I do. I can't hold on to him any more and if he can't give me more and be a husband to me and at least start making a repair, then I need to get out, drop the rope and go dark because this sadness is too much. I am moving towards happiness and that means away from him.

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