Good! This process encourages introspection, but at some point you have to stop thinking quite so much and take action. That sounded like a healthy exchange on the way to the station, I hope you can have more of those no matter what happens. My H was also very much like that, accused me of not supporting him but was pushing me away so very hard when I was trying to support him that it was impossible. Well, maybe it wasn't impossible but it felt like it was, I didn't have the tools to do so, and he didn't have the tools to tell me HOW he needed support (if he even knew, I suspect he didn't). It's like the longer you''re together with someone the less you're able to tell them what you need, how ironic.
It was a healthy exchange. I don't think it changes anything substantially, but I've decided if he speaks to me respectfully I will respond and validate - though not seek those conversations out - and otherwise go very dark.
He sent me a text in the morning complaining that Eldest had left the kitchen a mess and that the bathroom was filthy and the house unpleasant to be in (he's right - it's a proper state - I can't be bothered recently and as we're not at the point of health-hazard, I can't care about it too much right now) and I just said 'sounds like you've had a hard morning,' and left it at that. I am not sure that is great validation but I felt criticised about the house and didn't want to get into it with him. He can clean the bathroom himself, or go home and use his own clean bathroom (cleaned by someone else), or STFU.
I got home last night and he was in with the kids. I just came in, dropped my bags then went out again to pick up the dog. He'd left me some tea, which was kind and unexpected. We talked a bit afterwards - he asked me about the promotion plans and I said I was struggling to get motivation for it, and he said he thought that was a change, and perhaps healthy, because I'd been so driven by my demons to over-work and over-achieve that perhaps it was just time to take a breather and enjoy where my life was right now. I said I thought he had a point (he does) and I would probably apply but not get too worked up about it, as I have done in the past. I know I've been unbearable with work pressure sometimes and I don't want that in my life any more.
Today is the very last day of his project. He got the main results yesterday and he did brilliantly. Not as well as he wanted (he's a perfectionist and more critical of himself than he is of others, which is saying something...) but given the circumstances and his obvious depression, it's very impressive. He has about three weeks vacation now and I hope he takes proper advantage of that and does some self care so he can be more present and patient for the kids - he's still pretty 'absent' and wrung out most of the time and I can see him trying, especially with Youngest, but getting irritable with their normal wants and needs and noise.
GAL plans. Am seeing a friend this morning for coffee and a meeting afterwards regarding the promotion - just gathering some information at this stage. Plan to do some housework this afternoon and then take the kids to the seaside for a good runabout tonight. Am in good spirits.
GAL yesterday was good and I felt more motivated than I had in a while to concentrate on my career for a while. We had an arrangement where he'd have Youngest at his house, and I'd drop him after tea, but there was some mix up on either side - he isn't very clear about what he wants verbally, prefers to do it over text, but is sporadic in replying to direct questions about arrangements over text (and never replies to email). So it got to after six and he said it was too late. I said I was willing to drop Youngest at his home, and Youngest wanted to come, but if he thought it was too late I'd tell Youngest he was tired and could he let me know. He kept on trying to start an argument. I ignored and said 'am I dropping him off or not?' and in the end he rang to speak directly to Youngest. I think he was trying to convince Youngest to say he didn't want to go, but Youngest was very keen so in the end I did drop him off. He looked exhausted when I arrived and had been drinking. He wasn't drunk and perfectly able to look after Youngest, but I suspect he wanted a(nother) night to himself and didn't want to come out and say so. I don't know what the assertive thing would have been to do there - I can't really co-parent healthily with him if he's dishonest and plays games about what he does and doesn't want, and tries to manipulate what he wants out of a situation rather than asking for it. But I can also understand that he was very very drained and perhaps not in the headspace to deal with an energetic child at the end of the day. Ah well.
We had another moment like this when I got back from holiday. He was complaining that Youngest was behind on his homework and wasn't doing well enough at her maths (I've actually been to see her teacher about this, because H has been worried about it for a while - and the teacher is very pleased with Youngest's progress and despite being the youngest in the year group, is second in the class at maths). Youngest is a bit behind on maths homework, but not disastrously so. I asked how it had been while I was away - it's sometimes a challenge to get him to do it - and H told me he hadn't asked him to do any. And hadn't asked either child to do the chores that he was so insistent they get assigned during family therapy (I have been great - not perfect, but really great - at sticking to the schedule the therapist suggested and which H agreed on). I just don't get it. I tend not to take these comments too seriously and just listen, given that he's complaining about something that either isn't true, or is in his power to alter. It's probably part of his depression or his negative mindset right now. But then he says he feels unimportant and not listened to when I don't jump to resolve whatever it is he's identified as a problem that day. I don't want to live my life like that any more. But I also want to be kind and respectful to him. It's a head scratcher.
I don't know what my question is. I guess even when he's not being out and out appalling, he's whinging and complaining and manipulative and passive and I don't know how to deal with a person like that with kindness and respect. And I still miss having an actual understanding adult at my side - that's the loneliness I am feeling. I feel it when I am in the room with him and have done for a long time. I feel better when I don't see him much. He is still talking about counselling etc but without that basis of him being able to take responsibility and say what he wants, I don't see what the use of counselling would be.
Today the weather is terrible so GAL plans are going to need to be adjusted a bit. But I am seeing a couple of friends this morning and I think it is time to attack the housework this afternoon while Youngest is with H.
Alison you are dealing with one of the most heartbreaking and sad events in life . You are doing a lot better than you think . For me dbing is focusing on yourself, giving your partner space and time , improving yourself, starting with fresh eyes . I am the worst for this but patience is needed .
Priorities wise , kids first in all situations, yourself next , then husband . Have a read of the success stories and try to get some confidence from reading what worked and how the lbs dealt with things . In the meantime what puts a smile on your face ? What gives you pride and confidence? Go out , have a laugh with your friends, get back to being the Alison that only a fool would leave
I don't know what the assertive thing would have been to do there - I can't really co-parent healthily with him if he's dishonest and plays games about what he does and doesn't want, and tries to manipulate what he wants out of a situation rather than asking for it.
The assertive thing to do was whatever felt right for you at the time and then to stick with it. If I had plans, I would have told my H "I am dropping youngest off at 6:00 as planned". If I did not have plans but wanted the night to myself I would have said "I am dropping youngest off at 6:00 as planned". If I really wasn't that bothered and quite fancied an evening in with my children, I would have said "I don't have plans so am happy to keep them tonight". Be the author of your own story.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
But I can also understand that he was very very drained and perhaps not in the headspace to deal with an energetic child at the end of the day. Ah well.
Seriously, Alison, [censored] him. This is what it means to be a parent. Rain, hail or shine, we get up off our [censored] and parent our children. I have a tract infection at the moment, am under stupid amounts of pressure at work, and I got myself out of bed this morning to make the kids breakfast and help them get ready for their club. Would I have preferred to stay in bed a little longer, absolutely. But I didn't. I don't expect a medal for this because this is what it means to be a parent.
I will however, be going straight back to bed when I finish this entry as the kids are at their clubs for the next two hours
Can I ask a stupid question ... why do you want to be with a man like this.You deserve so much better. Give him space to become better and carry on with your life in the meantime. You don't need to date. You just need to live.
Yes - the weather is terrible. Housework and cinema for me today.
Can I ask a stupid question ... why do you want to be with a man like this.You deserve so much better. Give him space to become better and carry on with your life in the meantime. You don't need to date. You just need to live.
The short answer is because he wasn't always like this, because I do genuinely think he's depressed and burned out, and because I hope that there's a chance that in time he'll straighten himself out. As he is today, no, I don't want him and I deserve better.
I've had a long day to myself today. Bottomed the house, long walk, coffee with friends and bed early on fresh sheets with a film to watch. I haven't been lonely, and keeping busy has stopped me dwelling on things that aren't in my control or succumbing to self pity. I have made some arrangements for GAL and friends next week, and some work appointments to progress things with my application, and I am hoping for better weather!
I'll be glad to see the kids tomorrow, but it's more appropriate that H has Youngest at his house when he wants to see him rather than here from now on. I suspect not being keen on that - parenting himself, rather than enjoying home comforts while I run around after him and the kids a couple of evenings a week - was behind his reluctance last night. He's not working for the next three weeks or so, so there's no reason why he can't do a fair share of school runs and tea and homework, and do it at his own place rather than coming here, being cooked for and complaining about my parenting and housekeeping. He'll still have all the day while the kids are at school to rest and recovery and please himself. I can't fix him but I don't have to let his misery become mine.
Journalling: H dropped Youngest off this morning - he was distant, no eye contact, that sort of thing. He started talking about arrangements for birthday and the coming week, and I suggested we just do it over text. I'm tired of him using conversations over practicalities as an excuse to get a jab in at me so I'm going to move towards doing it over email / text as much as possible. I didn't invite him into the house but was friendly otherwise. I could just leave the childcare stuff in his hands - but I really want to be able to plan GAL and not have him text me with an hour's notice then get into a snit when it doesn't work for me. More importantly, I think a predictable schedule is better for Youngest. He texted a few hours later saying it was nice weather today so he was going out, but rain the rest of the week so we could make arrangements then (?!). I said, 'I want to know when you will be picking up and taking Youngest to school this week - today if possible,' and he texted me back a couple of days. I suspect he's annoyed he's no longer getting the red-carpet treatment in my home, and that I am expecting him to do equitable childcare now he's finished his project and not working. It's sad, really sad. I feel that going dark this way is necessary for me to have the space to focus properly on myself, and it stops me enabling his lack of care and attention around the kids. I still feel a bit fearful about the consequences of me going dark, but I am doing it anyway, because logically even if it burns bridges between us, the status quo isn't acceptable to me and neither was the marriage as it was. No going back.
The short answer is because he wasn't always like this, because I do genuinely think he's depressed and burned out, and because I hope that there's a chance that in time he'll straighten himself out. As he is today, no, I don't want him and I deserve better.
They all were. If they were all like they are now, then we would not have married them. And that person we married is still there, buried beneath the hurt and the resentment and the anger. But the thing is, only they can find their way out. You can't fix him. You can only fix you. So, sit with his hurt, his anger, and his resentment, but do not let it become a part of you. Understand that, rightly or wrongly, you are the focus of his pain. The more he sees you, the more pain he is in.
Alison, it is not just them in a fog. We too are put there, whether we like it or not. Your last entry suggests you are coming out of yours. Leave him to his. What is important is that you heal and that your children feel loved and secure. That is all that matters right now.
Yorkie is right (isn't she always) - you are doing well.
