I've just caught up a little and wanted to say you are not the same Alison as you were when you joined. It is a two step forward one step back dance, and none of us really know where it will lead, but irrespective, I think you will either have a stronger marriage for it, or you will just be stronger for it.
Hey Alison, I am so sorry about your friend, how tragic
I'm glad eldest and H got on ok without you there, hopefully now they have done that they can continue their dance without dragging you into the middle of it (and you can step back out of it too...)
You handled the criticism just wonderfully! I am taking notes here on how to deal with this situation like a proper adult...
I'm glad you had such a great time away, sounds like it was just what you needed.
And those are positive changes that your H has made to address problems in your M, but it's good that you're being realistic about what is possible right now without closing the door entirely.
Finally: thriving rather than surviving is BRILLIANT! Keep on going
I've just read my post back and I've made H sound like a monster - criticising me after I'd come home early after hearing of my friend's death. I can see I've elided my own part in it pretty nicely - which was to be really weepy and teary and upset, and then criticising him first. I think I said something like, 'I just need someone to act like they're pleased to see me when I come home, rather than being bored or irritated or scared of me,' and I can see he was terrified of not being able to comfort me, and me getting angry about that. It wasn't wrong of me to be upset and I'd have had better control if I hadn't have had such shocking news. It would have been nice for him to have been able to absorb that, but, well, he just can't - he isn't capable of being a proper husband and I was expecting him to act like one and that was on me.
I've pretty much decided I will go to MC with him. I had a good think while I was away. I think the thing I am most afraid of is accepting less than I want, or being unable to say what I really think because I am worried it will drive him away. I need to accept that the marriage is pretty much dead on its feet right now, and if it turns out my honesty and his means that it can't make it work, then at least we can get the finances settled and he can take on a more equitable share on the childcare. I am afraid he will just stonewall and criticise and moan he doesn't get what he wants without saying what it is he actually wants, but I am going to give him a chance to act differently and if it doesn't seem he is able to come up with the goods, I am going to buy him out of the house and divorce him. I know the separation has only been six months, but I really don't have anything at all to say to him I haven't said a hundred thousand times before. If he isn't able to speak up for himself and participate like an adult in a repair, then he isn't the man I want to spend my life with. Dropping the rope and leaving it to him is the single thing I have not tried yet.
I feel calm and positive about this.
Edited to add: this is H's usual night to come over and spend time with the kids. He hasn't been in touch to arrange anything and I haven't chased it up. I am going to leave organising all contact with them or me to him now - I chased him a bit on this, and hand on heart I think I am guilty of using his wish to come and see the kids here at our home to see him myself. I'm going to stop doing that now. If he wants to come and see me I will welcome that, but I won't chase for it. I will just reply to his texts with warmth and kindness - but for my own peace of mind I need to see him making small steps to initiate contact with me now.
Hmm, that's good that you could spot your own role in that, still there is no need for him to counter-attack if you attacked him first because you were upset about your friend. Maybe MC can help unpick some of these negative cycles you both engage in? I know you've been before, but maybe you have a better handle on your role in this now? It seems like MC is worth a shot, not sure you have anything to lose...
Yes - I can see he is a little less reactive and he does claim to be very committed to making things work, and he will acknowledge he needs to look at himself and his own behaviour - though whether he's done that and what he's seen when he looked isn't anything he's shared with me... lol. I have a fear that it is all talk and no action - and I've been here before - but I love him and I am willing to take a risk because I have seen some action.
I needed to think about what was different when we went to MC. And what I came up with was this - he's suggested it, I didn't put a gun to his head by threatening divorce. And that he's making practical sacrifices to make it possible, including telling his line manager the reason why he wanted a change in hours and work location (this is MASSIVE for him.) He might just be doing it so he can say he's ticked the box, but I don't think so. He's massively concerned by what people think of him, and very private. And if he is, well, I will find that out pretty quickly.
I also think I am different. Not different enough. But different. I think I was holding him emotional hostage last time. It was all about my pain and distress and his resentment. I want a therapy that is more solution focused and looks forward. I am not interested in hearing him bang on about the past and I am no longer willing to do that myself either. So there is a fair bit that is different. I also feel more confident that if it doesn't work for me, I will pull the plug on it after giving it a fair chance - let's say six sessions.
That does sound like he's done some 180s there. I'm not sure that men in general are very good at sharing with us what they see when looking inside...
That sounds like an excellent idea to avoid dumping resentments on each other, that just keeps you both stuck in a negative cycle. Every time my H gives me the whole R talk it annoys me so much that he bangs on about the past, there is no way you can build a better future if you're clinging onto resentments. I now feel that there were certain things my H did in our marriage which were completely unacceptable (I was just remembering one this morning actually, when I found out I was pregnant with ds1 I made a special meal and chilled some champagne ready for him to come home from a golf game. When he came back he was annoyed, refused to drink the champagne, said he didn't like the meal and was generally not as happy as an expectant father should be at the news!!), but I'm prepared to put those unacceptable behaviours in the past if we can both change. I'm sure some of my behaviours were unacceptable too, but again my H has to be able to forgive me like I forgive him.
Do you have any particularly form of MC in mind? I know some are more solution oriented than others.
Eldest has a medical condition that involves a regular quite invasive check up (under anaesthetic) at the hospital. He's due it in a couple of months, in fact. When we went last year, I was worried sick and while H was there, he was actually sitting on the other side of the waiting room texting his EA woman, too hungover to really engage with us. He'd been out with her the night before and was worried he'd embarrassed himself in front of her, so was trying to do some image management and arrange to see her again. I don't know if I will ever really be able to truly forgive that. I am sure he has some moments of mine that were unacceptable too, and which he clearly struggles to let go of and forgive. There's a difference, I think, between just not bringing things up as ammunition in an argument (which is where I am at) and genuinely letting go of them. I do love my H very much, but I have a lot of grief at no longer being able to look at him the way I did. I think I hero worshipped him a bit and I definitely thought of him as steadier, more controlled, more moral and generally just 'better' than me. He loved that - course he did - and it's been a real hard transition for me to try to love a flawed human.
I am going to see what he says in respect of MC. He says he hasn't had time to think about it yet. I let him know I'd be willing to see the family therapist we saw in Feb. I liked her suggestions, I like it that she got a wider view of us as parents, as conflicting parenting styles is something we have to address together and get sorted - and I liked how detailed and practical she was in an email with follow up suggestions that were about concrete ways forward. He said he would have a think. So I guess the ball is in his court. If there's no movement by the end of next month, I will visit a solicitor. I haven't told him that - but for my sanity I need to keep things moving forward, and I am not happy with his financial contribution (nil) and his off and on approach to childcare and want those made regular either through therapy or solicitors.
Ugh, that is pretty horrible of your H! I can remember a LOT of horrendous things my H has done over the years, you don't have 30 years of someone without seeing their ugliest side do you? I do feel like I genuinely forgive my H for them though, it's not forgetting them, it's just saying to myself 'that behaviour was unacceptable, he shouldn't have done that but YOU also shouldn't have tolerated it, that last part is on you', and then also realising that my H also has a list of awful things I have done to him, and thinking that if I want to be forgiven then I can only model that behaviour first and I have no control over whether he does or not. There's not much future in a M if both sides don't forgive though is there?
That sounds like a great idea about the family therapist, he might feel more comfortable if he's already met her. I hope he gets moving on it!
When I take the focus off my H for a minute - and I could list many many instances of really ugly, selfish and unacceptable behaviour from him - I know the deep deep grief I am feeling (and I did lots of crying on my week away) is about letting go of the idea that he was going to save me and rescue me, that he was better than me, that he was some kind of hero which meant I could be fragile and weak and damaged and he would always be wise and big and steady enough to sort it all out. I think he's actually a very good man in lots of ways, and he's been under a lot of pressure the past couple of years, and he's needed an adult as a wife and not had one, and he's crumbled a bit and acted like an utter ... well, so and so, at times. I think I need to grow up. To be a flawed adult wife who can take care of her own emotions and tolerate living with someone who is flawed, sometimes unpredictable, sometimes unavailable, and generally a decent human being. That wasn't what I signed up for when I got married - I wanted the fairytale that let me be the little girl forever. And I still have a lot of sadness about the death of that dream to work through and I need to do that on my own before I am really ready to look around and explore with H what might come next.
