New here and looking for help. 2 weeks ago my wife told me she wants a divorce. We have been married 13 years, together 18. We have one child, a 6 year old daughter. I bought the DR book and am about halfway through it.
She has been unhappy for a while and we've tried counseling, once a few years ago and then again last fall. Neither were really helpful and the more recent counselor seemed more to convince her that she should divorce me. We are still living together but she plans to move out soon with our daughter. I know I haven't been a great husband and have not met her needs. We both work full time, she works from home with a good amount of travel (has increased a lot the last year) and doesn't have much time for the family. Her main complaints are I'm not good with affection, I have a lot of hobbies that take time away from the family (although that has decreased a lot the last couple of years) and I don't help enough around the house and support her busy schedule. I don't think shes having an affair but I could see her getting close to a co-worker or perhaps someone else is giving her the attention that I didn't and that is helping solidify her decision.
I want nothing more than to save the marriage but it's a one way street. I know I could change to meet her needs but she is done giving me chances and any effort to our marriage. Although I haven't finished the book I'm far enough along that I know I need to work on detaching and GAL. The thing I'm having trouble with is I believe the root cause of her unhappiness is my detachment and my outside interests away from the family. I don't see how continuing that is going to help in any way but I don't really have any other options. We aren't fighting (we never really "fought" per say, I would typically shut down and ignore the problem and her needs) and she is not open to any kind of affection or talks of reconciliation.
I know my situation is not unique but I'm really lost here. I can give a lot more details if necessary although I feel there is no way forward. Appreciate any advice or help.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
What do you mean, to my daughter? I’m pretty confident that I am a great dad. Just need to be more patient with her at times so I’m working on that. Also trying to spend a lot of time with her now as that will inevitably decrease if wife moves out.
Do you know what stopped you being present and affectionate earlier on, if this has been addressed in your counselling before? Without blaming your wife for her shortcomings, is there something about you that makes it difficult for you to show love and affection, to give time and attention to someone else, to bury yourself in work? If there is, then is that something you can work on?
Now isn't the right time to shower your wife with affection and attention. But it is the right time to look at the roots of those problems in yourself.
I wish you well. It's a hard place we're in but you're not alone.
Do you know what stopped you being present and affectionate earlier on, if this has been addressed in your counselling before? Without blaming your wife for her shortcomings, is there something about you that makes it difficult for you to show love and affection, to give time and attention to someone else, to bury yourself in work? If there is, then is that something you can work on?
Now isn't the right time to shower your wife with affection and attention. But it is the right time to look at the roots of those problems in yourself.
I wish you well. It's a hard place we're in but you're not alone.
I’ve never been affectionate in our relationship, it’s just not how I show my love. My wife acknowledges this and says she was ok with it initially in our marriage but now needs more. She says she can’t expect me to change or keep hoping I will change. I know I can change and am working on myself. As stupid as it sounds I think it makes me feel vulnerable when I show affection that way, not sure why. Ironically, there’s nothing more than I want right now than to hold my wife and tell her I love her but it’s too late for that.
But the information is important to have, even if you can't put it into action right now. It will serve you for a R or for a future relationship.
Perhaps self care (GAL and detaching) need to be a higher priority. But sometimes our 180s can come from the feedback we've had from our spouses.
My H's LL is 'acts of service' and while I can't do too much for him in that department - we're not in piecing and not living together - I do try to bear in mind he's an 'actions speak louder than words' kind of guy, which means me speaking a bit less, and watching how he acts towards me.
If you can, I'd do a call (or calls) with the phone coaches.
You need a plan of attack, and you need change. This doesn't sound like a WW or MLC, so at least she's sane (all the other people just want some sanity and we'd be golden).
It sounds like she's a regular woman with some emotional problems and got fed up. The good thing is you know what you want, you know you have problems, and she's still there.
Here's what I would do.... you need to wooo her. You need to bend over backwards and sacrifice. AND you need to make it permanent. That means, you "change" for a little while, and go back to being what you were..... forget it, you're done (and I wouldn't blame her).
Now if it was a MLC W, don't do any of this, that's suicide. But for a real woman..... heck ya. And the other thing.... this is VERY important. Enjoy it. Now about enjoyment: What you enjoy, everything..... is a CHOICE. You may HATE doing dishes... do them and choose to enjoy it. You don't like cleaning toilets..... do it, and choose to enjoy it.
Find out what she doesn't like doing the most, and DO IT. Did you neglect something which is important to her? Get on it, right now. Then do it again, and do it again, and do it again. Change your behavior. Don't point it out to her. Don't say look at me. You need to HUMBLE yourself. You also need to pray for your wife, for yourself and for your marriage. Humble yourself. Change. Be the best man you can be. Then talk to her, probe her mind, start interesting conversation. Bring up good memories...... LISTEN and more importantly, HEAR. Shut your mount and don't try to fix her problems. Only act if she asks. Other than that, listen and hear. Women need their sounding board, and they need to know you care. Ask questions but do not try and solve their stuff yourself.
Make her happiness worth more to you then your own.
You still have a chance. Use it. It's not just time to man up, it's time to Husband up. You can do it. Take action, not words.
