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Looks like I hit 100 on the last one.... so this new thread is part 2.

Link to old thread:
Soloflex's first thread (I can't believe this is happening to me)

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Soloflex. I would like to hear you're ideas and theories about our spouses being emotionally bankrupt. Do you really think it has to do with themselves as an individual? Or do you think it just has to do with the dynamics of the R? Or both?

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Another weird and shocking behavior change(?)

So last night she went to a baseball game after returning from staying the night at her sisters.
She went to a bar with girlfriends from work and was out late.

I may have made a mistake without knowing it was a mistake (hindsight 20/20 right?).

So I planned to be in bed (and try to be asleep) before she got home, to remove stress/pressure and show trust.
I didn't want to be the "were do you go? Did you dance with men?", that kinda H.
No, just calmly be in bed, be asleep. Cool as a cat.

Well, I wasn't asleep.... did my best to ask asleep though.
She came in and I think I could lightly smell the alcohol...... I've never seen my wife drunk, and I've never smelled alcohol in her, ever. I could heard her moving around, and heard her close the MBR door. How I was able to fall asleep in this moment, I don't know. My heart was beating.... no it was racing. But it fell asleep right then.

This morning I woke up, no W.
??????
The TV was still on (we leave the TV on until someone comes to bed, normally me, and then it's turned off).

I realized she didn't come to bed. She went in there, waffled around and then went and slept in the guest room.

Ungh!!! Now I understand.... In trying to removed stress, I increased it. She could see me there sleeping and couldn't join me. Normally I'm climbing into bed with her when she's already asleep, so no stress... but she's been moving fast to get away from me in the mornings. Now I understand why.

Holy crap this just took a turn for the worst. Will she move out of MBR today? Will she ask me to move out of MBR (I don't think she'd do that. The extra bed is in her crafting room).

I'm so sad.... in kindness and love, what have I done?

-SoloFlex

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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Soloflex. I would like to hear you're ideas and theories about our spouses being emotionally bankrupt. Do you really think it has to do with themselves as an individual? Or do you think it just has to do with the dynamics of the R? Or both?



They are bankrupt, of that I have no doubt. What makes it hard for us is there is no perfect R, so we have "what if's" to beat ourselves up with.
Normally you get to work on issues and resolve them. Once this MLC happens, and there is no working on these issues. Everything stops. That increases guilt on us. I'm not sure what it does to them... they're so lost anyway..... they can't process anything.

No, the R is NOT the problem. They are broken, that is the problem.


-SoloFlex

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Im sure that move feels like 1 of 1000 papercuts of behavioral changes that is to come. (There will be many others to a point where you ask yourself, who is this person? Why did I marry them? And why am I still with them?)
My best advise is to just roll with it and deal with the emotional effect of it in your own time and space. Don't bottle it yo for too long though, or you might lash out. I wish we could all get together physically meet and support one another,

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Yes, I totally agree and I know that will come.

The struggle (for me) is, your W is still in there. She's a hostage.

Just like a hostage situation, you don't know if the terrorist is gonna start shooting people.
We all want to believe our spouse will overpower the terrorist and save themselves..... but that's the tragedy of life, things don't always work out. People are lost.

If the W wasn't still in there, it'd be easy. The hard part is they aren't dead.
I'm starting to realize this is just like a coma patient. Most of the time, the brain is dead and isn't coming back. The spouse grieves, holds out hope, and in time has to let go & accept their spouse is dead. The problem is sometimes they do come back, and the spouse has moved on. That movie Castaway with Tom Hanks really puts it into perspective. Tom comes back and Helen Hunt has moved on. There in the rain she tells him he is the love of her life, but can't be with him... time has passed, life has passed. Oh what could have been.

Sheesh, I've always been a hopeless romantic......


-Soloflex

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I can report today something nice.... I caught a "glimpse" of my W.
It was soooooo nice after a month of nothing but pain (today is one month).

She was doing her own thing (good), but she came to me. Held eye contact, and even had me feel her leg muscle she was proud of working out.
It' small. It's crumbs. But you know what? I'll take it.

Thank God for a little ray of sunshine in this dark time. I really needed it.

-SoloFlex

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Hey man. Dont move out of the MBR.

Also, if she moves out of the MBR into the guestroom its going to hurt bad. Im sorry but I have to warn you that its going to be god awful. The level of lonliness is simply unbearable alon with the punch in the gut that the one you love can do this.

I slept in the same bed as my EXWW for 20 years. Her moving upstairs was akin to ripping my heart out and throwing it in the trash. I dont mean to scare you or bring you down.

I just want to let you know because it caused me to pursue badly. I tried hard to not pursue but the emotions were just so strong that I couldnt help myself.

Eventually I stopped yes, but i went bat [censored] when she moved out because it floored me.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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Originally Posted by SoloFlex
I can report today something nice.... I caught a "glimpse" of my W.
It was soooooo nice after a month of nothing but pain (today is one month).

She was doing her own thing (good), but she came to me. Held eye contact, and even had me feel her leg muscle she was proud of working out.
It' small. It's crumbs. But you know what? I'll take it.

SF - Be careful. She threw you crumbs and you liked it. I completely understand and get it. I, too, fall for the periodic table scraps my W throws me.

I would file this under "believe none of what they say and half of what they do." Maybe she just wanted to flaunt how good she looks. Who knows? I would not consider this a turn.

Just be careful and check your mindset... I get those table scraps too, and I scarf them up every time, and then I sit waiting at the table for days hoping for another scrap. I'm trying so hard to get out of that mindset that it is acceptable to eat table scraps. We are worth more than that.

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Sorry but here comes the rager side of me. Pack her F@$!ing bags for her and tell her to get out if she wants to leave so bad. Soloflex... Funny you should mention terrorists. I don't negotiate with terrorists. That is what has been in my mind all night.

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