Today is a tough day for no particular reason. I am just emotionally upset today and I just want to go scream at someone. W didn't do anything or say anything, this is just me being upset. Roller coaster ride. Haven't been this way in a few weeks, and don't know what triggered it.
I hate this process.
Want it to be over and done with. Sick of feeling like a hostage.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Recovery is not linear! Recovering from DB, S and D is very much like grief recovery, such as the death of a loved one. There are 7 stages (Google "stages of grief recovery" for more info) and we go through them all, but not in a particular order and not on a particular timeline. We may go through each one and be done or bounce back and forth between the stages multiple times. It helps to recognize that it is normal though, and that while it is unpleasant it will pass!
I need you to take 10 days of leave from work to watch the kids while I take a business trip in July. I will let you know the days after this weekend. Thanks
I’m not burning my leave to help her out? What is she thinking? I have the leave, previously I would have taken it to help her out; you know, like when I wasn’t fired. She can figure something out. I’d love to have the kids for 10 days, but not under hers terms when she benefits.
She doesn’t want me to have extra kid time unless it benefits her. ARGH!!!
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I am going to reply with something to the effect of:
W, I understand that you need me to take leave in order for you to go on the business trip. I do not want to take my leave for that purpose. As your H I would have done this every time; however since I’ve been fired from that role I do not want to use my leave to serve your needs. Thank you, H
Good; bad; otherwise? I do not want to take leave to babysit, I don’t want this to set any precedent for that going forward, and I don’t want to upset the apple cart.
She wouldn’t offer 10 days with the kids to me if I asked; this is strictly to meet her needs of babysitting without having to burden her family and friends for 10 days. I’m not her babysitter, and I certainly don’t want to spend 33% of my leave days to meet her timeline.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Why not just tell her that you will be unable to take leave in July for this? She knows she fired you as her H so what is the point explaining it to her? IMHO less words the better.
"That doesn't work for me, I have other plans for my leave. You will need to make alternate arrangements."
Do not get into the whole "if I was your H......" That makes you look small and petty. Trust me, she will get the difference between being a married couple arranging things vs. D'd parents making arrangements without you having to connect the dots for her.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/10/1906:14 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ok thanks all, I understand, exactly what I was looking for.
Don't want to be petty or childish.
One of her complaints was that I wasn't able to take leave regularly during our marriage, so this is a bit of a test that also meets her needs. I would love to have the kids, I would take leave to make sure they are taken care of, I have the leave to take, I just don't want to take it during her prescribed time. This is her responsibility and she needs to find a way to get them taken care of. Not here to rescue her nor to set a precedent for rescuing going forward.
She sent me the bill for rental house maintenance that we had agreed to split from marital funds. Asked if I was still good with selling some mutual funds to pay for it; oh and could I address this today, as we will get late fees tomorrow. I simply replied that I am good with her selling mutual funds to pay for it. She will be in for a life lesson in waiting until the last minute when she finds out it will take 3-5 business days to get the funds from the sale. I am no longer going to be responsible for 'we need to do this'; in the past I have always done those things, she needs to understand that she is a part of 'we' when she says that. The financial penalty is worth the cost of the lesson.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I agree with MLC, Steve and Neffer. Just be very brief and don't offer explanations. Steve's suggested response is on target. No anger or resentment or anything, just plain and matter-of-fact. Then if she sends a nastygram, offer some validation like Neffer said, but also make it clear to her you will not tolerate disrespectful comments from her (if it comes to that). I think now you know why she's been nicer lately, she knew she was going to need something from you.
